Husband says I raped him

[CompletelyUndone]

Really in need of some advice. Feeling very vulnerable right now so I'm hoping for some real advice, not to be flamed.

Things have been hard in my marriage. Before we were married our sex life deteriorated because past sexual trauma got in the way. I had counselling for this and by the time we were married things were better. 4 months after we were married I fell pregnant with our DS. I thought husband was happy about this.

5 years on and after a terrible few months my husband has told me that because we had sex when he was half asleep that I raped him to get pregnant. Apparently because I came up to bed later than him I should have known he didn't consent. And he only had sex with me when I initiated it because I'd 'deprived' him of sex for so long. I feel so awful. He's so angry all the time. I can't really get my head around this because having endured raped and sexual assault myself then idea that I've inflicted pain on someone else in this way is abhorrent. As far as I can remember, my initiating sex involved me snuggling up to him, I didn't grab him genitals or anything. If he actively responded to me then I assumed that he was enjoying it as much as me. Sometimes I did come to bed later than him, but I'm pretty sure he was always awake whilsy sex was ongoing. Is this really me molesting him? I'm thinking that maybe this is not something that we can get past. Any advice mumsnetters?

This.

You are in a highly abusive relationship.

Please contact Women's aid and ask for advice.

You desperately need to log this behaviour.

Email to yourself EXACTLY what he has accused you of, so it is clear in your head and date stamped.

This is a really bad man and you need to start protecting yourself NOW.

I think ringing the police and asking to speak to an officer specifically trained in DV would be wise.

Log the allegations and threats your husband has now decided to make against you.

Get in front of this.

His friends reporting of his girlfriend, has put this ugly idea into his head and he has decided to use it as anothet stick to beat you with.

He will not be expecting YOU to have gone to the police.

You are being abused.
Protect yourself.

Get yourself organised to get away.

Tell family and friends the truth and take support from them.

Your marriage is over.

It's time to leave safely.

He is using his knowledge of your trauma to manipulate, coerce and control you. Please think about that and if this is how you want to a) spend your life b) raise your son

You probably feel like you can’t make choices without his approval. He will never approve to you getting freedom. Does that mean you should never be free? Or can you see your way to being your own approver, being your own judge of your life?

Would also highly recommend the freedom course so you can heal and recognise behaviour patterns in the future.

Bless you op. I’m so sorry and I hope you can leave him. I’m glad this thread has made you feel vindicated.

I wonder if he is planning on divorcing you at some point and is looking for a way to wiggle out of child maintenance...

He sounds insane

This.

I know his allegation is very distressing but you need to NOT focus on his lies and manipulations.

Focus on your escape plan.

Until you can get out you need to go grey rock with him ( google it). So when he tells you about his mate going to the police etc say “ ok “. When he asks what you have to say / think about it, say “ I don’t know “.

Keep saying things like ok / you are probably right / that’s up to you / I’m not sure / I don’t know / I have to think about it to everything .

if he says “ you are crazy / mental / pathetic / a useless wife / mother , say “ Ok / your are probably right”.
if he says he is going to the police say “ ok / that’s up to you “
if he says he is going to tell your family / work that you are mental, say OK
if he says he’s going out to have an affair because you won’t give him sex, say “ that’s up to you”.

He will eventually get bored trying to bait you.

Then use them time to make a plan ( with women’s aid / trusted family / friends / counsellor ) to get you and your child out of the marriage asap.

also see your GP and tell her that you are trying to escape an abusive marriage. this helps cover your back.

I really wish there was some kind of ear tagging system in place for men like this. Like a little red flag we could permanently fix to their ear so the next woman knows to avoid him.

Im talking about the next woman OP because she’s not you. You’re done now, you did your shift wearing the rose tinted glasses and this most recent incident of pure dumbfuckery has finally knocked them off for you. He’s made a massive error here, he’s totally misjudged your deference to him and given you the greatest gift ever as a result: you can see him clearly for probably the first time.

Happy freedom day OP, there’s a few months of pain ahead as you set yourself up in your new life, but it’s short term pain for a lifetime thanking your current self for being brave and taking your life back.

Time for the mumsnet army to come and carry you through it on their shoulders I think. Post regularly, ask everything you need to ask from women who have been here before and do not take a single ounce more of this man’s bollocks. We’ve got you, you can do this and you absolutely will. I’m so excited for you

Have you considered this is a lie? His friend didn't do this. Can you really imagine it happening? What would the police say (they'd laugh).

This is another manipulation of events, designed to frighten you.

I'd suggest to him that he goes and reports your assault on him. I'd insist. Turn the tables on him.

Could well be.

So whilst I do think your husband is being manipulative in this scenario and abusive, I just wanted to point out to Pp who say because he was erect he consented.

Men can be sexually assaulted. An erection is very much a physical response - an erection does occur unwillingly. So an erection is not a sign of consent.

Anyways, back to the point, you should start making preparations to leave him. You don’t need someone who throws the term rape around like that to make you feel like shit, especially with your history. Do you have a support network, family, friends or a counsellor?

Don't be afraid of him going to the police - he's told his friend's story to frighten and control you. Plan your escape and don't waste your energy asking /pleading him not to report you. He is very abusive - getting away would be my only priority.

He consented. That is not rape. Seems like he is resentful of your child together and is a vile, abusive twat using the conception as proverbial stick to beat you with because he's a highly dysfunctional, ugly person who uses this to control you and get his jollies at making you go crazy.

Take your child and run for the hills. You're both worth more than this crappy existence.

I'm thinking that maybe this is not something that we can get past.

I wouldn't WANT to get past it. He's taken his knowledge of your own traumatic past and twisted it to use against you in the most sickening way. You can't trust this person.

Your husband is a gaslighting cunt. So sorry that you have been lumbered with him - especially given your traumatic history. Others will have advice about where you can find help. Please take it. All strength and love to you.

Your husband's behaviour is not normal neither is it acceptable. You did not rape him and that's a shocking accusation to make. He also knows you did not rape him.
You could play armchair psychologist and try to work out why he said this or maybe you could just ask him but I don't think you'll get to the answer. Besides, this isn't about him. It's about how all of this makes you feel. It's also about the environment you want your child growing up in. Even if your child was unplanned I'm sure you view them a 'happy accident'. I'm not sure I would want to stay with a man who viewed my child as collateral damage. It doesn't sound like your relationship is worth saving. You know that.
It's the summer holidays soon. Get your ducks in a row.

I was thinking along the same lines. My ex told his OW that I "made" him have children; "you know what women can be like". IRL I asked him what he thought about starting a family and we agreed that I would come off the pill. I think the idea was that he felt under pressure to say yes and so it was all my fault.
I don't think there has to be an affair for them to come up with this, though. It can just be them alone deciding that they resent the responsibility of being a parent, and trying to find a reason why it's your fault.

Women can be accused of forcing a man to penetrate them, but the examples I see by Googling "forced-to-penetrate" involve the man being blackmailed, physically attacked, made drunk or drugged. This paper has a list of examples. That's not to suggest that it's anything like what you experienced; just so you can see the kind of thing this category includes.

This is really ignorant. Women can rape men. Think before you make stupid comments.

OP, from what you have described, I do not think you have raped your husband. Sounds like he is being nasty and is saying that as he knows what impact it will have on you, given your past with sexual assault

Women cannot rape men. Rape involves a penis. Women can sexually assault men though.

I think you should get advice from a solicitor OP and start planning your escape. He sounds like a truly awful man to accuse you of this awful thing with no justification. Rape is not a term to use lightly - and for him to use it around you of all people is disgusting and manipulative.

I just think he's trying to make out that he never wanted child....therefore when you split up, he shouldn't have to pay maintenance because hes the victim.

I’m not going to give advice as you’ve gotten plenty here. Just sending you a big warm long hug.

He doesn’t love you! That’s not how you treat someone you love. You deserve better. You deserve you….and not to be dragged down by a pathetic man who treats his wife, mother of his child like this.

Wishing you a bright future away from him.

It would legally be classified as sexual assault not rape but the exact wording is immaterial really as it was clearly neither.

Learn the law before you call others ignorant.

Women can't rape men unless they are transwomen. Rape requires the perpetrator to use his penis.

Women can sexually assault but giving your husband a cuddle that led to both actively and positively engaging in sex is not that.

You're barking up the wrong tree here

.