Need a hand hold tonight.

[FromLittleAcornsGrow]

Just that really. My partner of 8 years has just broken up with me. He doesn’t want to see me anymore. I know deep in my heart it’s for the best but tonight I’m sad. For the lost 8 years, for the loss of him and the good times.
For thinking at 58 this is it for me. I will
Most likely be on my own now forever with no one to hold me or love me or be there just for me.
I can’t imagine starting all over again with someone new.
I thought we’d grow old together and share our retirement.
it wasn’t meant to be for us. I couldn’t give him what he needed and he couldn’t provide what I needed but I will so miss his friendship and the good times.
Tell me it gets better. That I won’t always feel this lost and lonely.

Put a podcast on in the background?

Good morning ❤️
altho exhausted I didn’t sleep till gone midnight. Today I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. My youngest isn’t well I don’t think. My long shift has moved from today to tomorrow. So I can rest today, which means think and feel shit!

XX

Glad you can rest. Try and distract yourself if you can. I wrote a long list for myself yesterday about what I want my life to be life. I find that helpful. Hope your little one feels better xx

Ah bones that is a positive thing to do.
I have an essay deadline for Monday so I will work on that this morning and then sleep a bit before getting the kids.

i had a work opportunity arise yesterday to do some art and health interventions in the childrens hospital where I’m on placement (student paediatric nurse). So this is something for me to mull over and sketch out ideas for.

I feel sick still and really emotionally disorientated. Have a counselling session booked for next week. I guess that’s a safety net for me to aim towards x

Morning both. I actually slept ok once I got off to sleep. Didn’t wake until 5 when those thoughts crept back in and overwhelmed me. Bad morning this morning!
my daughter who’s been here for a few days has gone back and now I no longer have to hide away for a good cry the tears won’t stop. Need to pull myself together and get to work!
once I’m busy I’ll be able to block him out for a few hours.
Hope you both (and anyone else on this thread ) have a good day.

Ah @FromLittleAcornsGrow that first thing in the morning moment is utterly horrendous. It won’t feel as bad as that again I promise because each day that gut wrenching will be less.

life can throw us some shit can’t it.

without sounding pathetic and negative, but I just feel like I am 40 now with a LONG string of pain and hurt and loneliness behind me. I feel an urgency to get happiness now. And I want it so much, I really do.

x

Sorry you've had a bad start to the day Acorns. Get stuck in to work if you can. We all deserve our happiness don't we. Hard to imagine it will happen again though in the hard times. I just miss him. My whole being just misses him.

I hate the pervading sadness I have about everything. I know I'm wallowing. I know it will get better. Hard today that things aren't normal.

Oh goodness Bones I so know what you mean!
I am still struggling to eat. It’s like my body is saying an empty stomach is preferable to feeling the empty heart!!
after 8 years I miss that daily contact, sharing mundane everyday stuff. Making plans and spending time together.
it feels like there’s nothing to look forward to!

Feeling a bit stupid now. I needed to send XDP a text earlier. Something to do with his business that someone else had contacted me about that he needed to know. I’m not petty enough not to pass something important like that on. I kept it factual no pleasantries or anything remotely emotional except by starting the text with my apologies for texting him. . I texted because he’d unfriended me on Facebook so I wasn’t sure if messenger message would reach him.
I don’t know why I expected a reply. He’s made it quite clear that he wants nothing more to do with me. But now I’m left with thinking either he didn’t reply deliberately or he has blocked me on text so won’t even see the message. Either way I’m feeling really rubbish about it! Why does it matter to me? I know we’re done and I know he’s chosen to go non contact and it is for the best in the long run. But now I’m hurting all over again!

Oh Acorns! That sucks! You did the right thing though, it would have been petty not to pass it on in those circumstances. He is rude not to acknowledge it with a simple thank you. If it happens again can you pass it on via a mutual contact? To save your feelings. I can imagine how much that must sting. What shit timing. NC is so harsh and so final. I'm sorry that happened to you.

Bones it does feel harsh. I understand the whole non contact thing. His choice I have no say in that and that’s fine if that’s how he wants it.
I just don’t even know if he has received it. It is kind of important (to do with someone paying a fairly large bill) but text messages to his phone never mark as delivered or read so I can’t tell if he has seen it. If he hasn’t I’d be tempted to use something else? What’s app? . But I don’t want it to feel to him like I’m bombarding him. Or that I want a reply except common courtesy would have warranted a reply.
you’re right though. Another time if it happens again I will send the message via someone else.

Evening ladies xx

@FromLittleAcornsGrow that must hurt a lot. It’s just another rejection isn’t it. Plus you’re doing it for his benefit to boot.

tiday I felt so empty and tired. I slept all morning after school run and then just waited for the clock to tick by. U did have a few moments of clarity which helped but iver all still feel shit that something that felt so positive and pure has gone down the drain.

hes messaged to apologise and check in ok. Explained he has seen the doctor today and will have councilling for ptsd,

ive realised now why I reacted to quickly to the red flag of him not coping and struggling…. It’s because I’ve realised that we crossed iver from the new fresh everything in love to being vulnerable with each other and seeing his weakness. It’s scared me so much. But having space and being able to work stuff makes me realise that it’s moved too fast. Not necessarily not a good relationship or anything toxic or anything to worry about. But it’s too heavy for what I have capacity for. And realising this is good, because if we are to carry in building something together then it needs to follow this pattern. And I also feel quiet empowered that I senders something and reacted straight away to it and out my boundaries. Which is healthy isn’t it.
so even tho I’m sad and scared and lonely right now and missing all that comes with being connected and I. Love eith someone, I know understand why we have got to this

im going to bed and trying ti get more than 4 hours sleep! I need it. Another 12 hour shift tomoz xxx

Ah Grenola, a really difficult and reflective day for you. You sound so thoughtful and it's clear you've made a really tough decision but based on thorough reasoning. You've got to put yourself and your family first. You should be proud of your decision. Hope you sleep well x

grenola understanding what happened is a good thing. You sound level headed and totally in touch with your own needs.
I envy you that clarity. I can’t even write about my situation except to say if I’d had the same clarity and boundaries I probably wouldn’t be in this position right now!
I think I was completely blindsided by love and threw common sense out of the window. Totally blinkered but in my defence I was always trying to see the better person beyond the red flags!
Not sure there’ll ever be another time but if thee is I must never be so blinkered again. Which is a good thing isn’t it?

Definitely a good thing. It sounds corny but we have to hold on to our truths. I don't know if I can ever do this again, but if I do I have certainly learnt a lot, in a very hard way. I gave too much of myself. I didn't know another way. I can't ever let that happen again. I can't be this devastated again.

Me too bones. I gave the relationship my all emotionally. I adored him and loved him unconditionally (imagine some mumsnetters now choking on their hot chocolates 😬) but I genuinely did. I put him on a pedestal (my mistake!) and built a fantasy around our story. It was always too good to be true. And way too stifling for him I’m sure!
I will never ever love like that again or let myself be as vulnerable again. So many lessons learnt from this!! Xx

Haha let them choke 🤣 I too adored him and made him my whole life. I should have made him part of my life. But then....we wouldn't have had such highs. Here I am experiencing the low. I don't regret how passionately I love/ loved him though, even though it has broken me.

Goodnight. Hope everyone manages to get some sleep tonight x

What nasty comment. You’d rather someone was unhappy? Sad for you that you can’t be happy for someone.

Good morning! The sun is shining where I am today and I'm going to try and have a good day. Hope everyone is OK.

Morning Bone. And everyone else.
sun shining here too. Feeling down this morning. Struggling with the no contact. Fighting the urge to ring him. Dreamt about him/us last night. Felt so real. Not going to make contact except in my head. I know it will get better I just need to keep busy and get through the day. Feels like there’s nothing good in my life at the moment. Nothing to keep going for. I love my family and my children but they have their own busy lives.
I need to find some focus for mine. Sorry got the miseries today. I’m sure I’ll be better once I get busy at work. Any tips to get through these first lonely weeks gratefully received.

Ah huge to both of u xxx

i think my clarity comes because I still have the option to continue to see him. When you still have a choice it gives you a sense of power I think!

we also haven’t had any bad times at all…. It’s just me responding to my fears.

the longer I can hold off with making the decision the better the decision will be.

I have also gained a sense of ‘what will be will be’ and I have control over how serious this relationship needs to be and how much into the future I need to worry about.

I went into dating and meeting him with an outlook of meeting someone I fancied and could spend Saturday nights with. Somewhere along the ride it’s gotten serious and I know that is me reading into it too much. This stop gap has helped me get a check in,

god knows what I want or feel! But by realising I can choose I feel a bit less desperate in my feelings xx

hope your both ok

We got through another day x

Bone
yes we have!
Today has been a tough one. I went against everyone’s advice and posted that letter!
I was torturing myself that he hadn’t acknowledged the work related text yesterday and then the letter, when 1/2 hour ago I got a response. It was actually a nice text thanking me for the letter and although it has changed nothing and nothing will change now. I feel strangely calmer that I’ve had my chance to really say what I meant and so has he and we’ve not completely finished on bad terms. It’s still hard and I miss him desperately but there is no going back. I have to accept that. My heart is still broken and I wish I could turn the clock back but what’s done is done.
I hope you’re feeling ok?