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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need a hand hold tonight.

300 replies

FromLittleAcornsGrow · 05/05/2023 00:10

Just that really. My partner of 8 years has just broken up with me. He doesn’t want to see me anymore. I know deep in my heart it’s for the best but tonight I’m sad. For the lost 8 years, for the loss of him and the good times.
For thinking at 58 this is it for me. I will
Most likely be on my own now forever with no one to hold me or love me or be there just for me.
I can’t imagine starting all over again with someone new.
I thought we’d grow old together and share our retirement.
it wasn’t meant to be for us. I couldn’t give him what he needed and he couldn’t provide what I needed but I will so miss his friendship and the good times.
Tell me it gets better. That I won’t always feel this lost and lonely.

OP posts:
Original poster
FromLittleAcornsGrow · 08/05/2023 20:16

Glad it is helping Bones.
it is certainly helping me too. It’s nice to not feel alone and that someone else really understands! Like you my love for my now XDP (feels so weird saying that!) was deep and passionate and somehow I think if I was ever lucky enough to find live again it would never be like that!

OP posts:
Bone11 · 08/05/2023 20:57

This is the hardest part of the day now isn't it.

Grenola · 08/05/2023 21:02

It’s helping me too.

im just so scared I will never get that feeling again. That connection, attraction and genuine need to be with someone.

mim sat here sniffing his T-shirt. Thinking this time on Friday we’re on the phone talking about how much we can’t wait to see each other on Saturday. How things can change so quickly.

he hasn’t even broken up eith me, just a drunk what’s app last night saying bye and he will always love the time we shared together and then blocked me. It’s hurting ng me so badly to not be able to talk with him. To have some closure, but I also think he is doing it this way to protect me. He knows that I love him and will try to support him thru his issues. On Saturday I told him that I’m vulnerable because I’m a giver and have huge compassion and empathy and asked him not to take advantage of that. I’m now thinking that this is his way or protecting me. He is spiralling and has pushed me away so comfy so that I can’t get hurt. I know how much he loves me. We love each other so much. In a pure true way. But he’s going through so much stress his mental health isn’t good and unfortunately he isn’t able to deal with it. He’s drinking too much, and I told him I won’t watch him self distruct.
I feel so bad for him, I know that the happiness of our new relationship has just stored so much up for him and made him realise he had a lot of unhappiness in him.

I have to walk away don’t I. I don’t know how to, my love for him is so deep it hurts.

I am also worried about him. I want to call
him to check on him, he’s blocked me on what’s app and Facebook and I’m scared to call in case he’s also blocked my number. To think I can’t contact him scared me so much

Original poster
FromLittleAcornsGrow · 08/05/2023 21:11

Oh goodness Grenola how dreadful for you.
If you’re anything like me you’ll be over thinking the whole last time you met, wondering if what you said tipped the balance. If you could have/should have said something different. I have thought that so much over the last few days. But deep down I know it doesn’t matter what or how I said something it would have happened sooner or later. Our time was done and maybe I just gave him the let out he needed.
it’s awful being blocked isn’t it? That’s why I wrote the letter. He can choose to read it or not but I’ll never know. Not that I have posted it yet! Still in two minds about that one!
I long to ring him too just to hear his voice. But I know i mustn’t and he wouldn’t answer anyway.
Keep strong. We’re in this together!

OP posts:
Grenola · 08/05/2023 21:18

We are in this tigether.
yes I am over thinking everything, I am very upfront eith how I talk and have been very honest to him about what I can’t have in my life. And it is obviously a good thing, but it means I know if I was more chilled and hadn’t said anything we would be together now

coodawoodashooda · 08/05/2023 21:28

Please don't send the letter op.

Bone11 · 08/05/2023 21:41

Grenola your situation is so similar to mine in so many ways. I'm having quite a tearful evening. I don't know how I am going to get through tonight. Or tomorrow at work. Or this week. I am completely overwhelmed.

Grenola · 08/05/2023 22:00

Yeah it’s a lonely dark evening isn’t it, and the fear of what’s to come hurts. I have to put on a smile for my children and am a peadiatric student nurse so have a 13 hour day tomoz to get thru with resilience,

hey, we may surprise ourselves x

Original poster
FromLittleAcornsGrow · 08/05/2023 22:08

I was just sitting here contemplating work tomorrow. It will be good to keep busy and maybe forget for a while but I’m scared I won’t sleep well and I will be too tired to function. 10 hour days for me too tomorrow!
Everyone will be talking about their bank holiday weekend and family time. One of my colleagues got engaged over the weekend and here’s me nursing my broken heart!

OP posts:
Bone11 · 08/05/2023 22:16

Let's hope keeping busy helps! And who knows, having to plaster on a smile for the world might help us fake it till we make it.

Bone11 · 08/05/2023 23:00

Goodnight everyone x

Grenola · 09/05/2023 06:18

Well I’m up and the moment of remembering about it all hit me and I nearly vomited.
mom in me uniform, make up on but inside I’m just crumbling.

I want this pain to go so much
hope your ok this morning

x

Bone11 · 09/05/2023 07:09

You poor thing, I'm so sorry for you. Hope you get through the day OK, the distraction might help. I slept ok but I'm still so tired. We just have to keep going through the motions and trust it will get better. I do feel so stupid still for believing he loved me as I loved him. I guess it wasn't real. I hope to get to the stage where I can say 'His loss!' and really believe it. Good luck today.

Original poster
FromLittleAcornsGrow · 09/05/2023 07:28

Morning both. I’m up too! Uniform on and ready to face the world! Slept better than the night before.
it’s the crushing loneliness I find hard. No good morning text to wake up to!
I already know it’s his loss and I truly believe that but I also feel lost too! Like the good bits of my life have gone. All I’m left with is the hard bits.
Not looking forward to seeing my colleagues, they’re bound to ask how my bank holiday was.
Don’t want to be the pathetic middle aged woman with another failed relationship!!

OP posts:
Bone11 · 09/05/2023 07:54

We're not pathetic. I feel like that about myself but I don't ever think that about others in the same situation, therefore it can't be true about me either. I may have been naive, I certainly made myself vulnerable, but I really believed that our love was true. I may never have that again, but better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all as the saying goes. I don't think it's pathetic opening yourself up to love, or loving someone passionately with your mind body and soul. Given what we are all feeling, it was incredibly brave of us to even attempt that.

xfan · 09/05/2023 08:22

MidsummerNightsDream · 05/05/2023 00:19

Oh, I’m so sorry! Big hug. It always gets better.

People find love at all ages. You know that. My grandmother had a new boyfriend in her 70’s after my granddad died.

If love is what you want, of course. You might find that after a while on your own, you quite like it.

Best thing I did after my exH left me was to give myself 18 months on my own. I just concentrated on my children and my hobbies. I was happy with the thought of being on my own forever when my now boyfriend appeared.

Indulge yourself in time spent on calm things for now.

Lol, a mere 18 months "alone" and then "the happily ever after with a new bloke" narrative starts.

Grenola · 09/05/2023 19:16

Hey everyone…..

im still on shift and yeah the distraction is helping.
he’s made contact to apologise to dramatic ‘bye’ and blocking, but he said he is struggling with stress and didn’t want to lean on me and contact me.

I’ve read the message on ibsta and not replied, need to work my feelings out. I felt so heartbroken he could do that, and I’m not sure I can reinvest in the potential for it to happen again.

not rushing to reply, I do feel better after hearing from him, the silence and rejection was hurrendous.

Original poster
FromLittleAcornsGrow · 09/05/2023 19:30

Grenola I’ve just finished.
At least you did hear from him I guess. I long to receive just a text but realistic enough to know it won’t happen and it’s better to be nc!
sensible to take your time to reply. Hard though isn’t it? I’d want to reply straight away before he went away again! Enjoy the rest of your shift.

OP posts:
Original poster
FromLittleAcornsGrow · 09/05/2023 21:33

How’s your day been Bones? I managed to tell three of my close colleagues at work (almost without crying although the voice was a bit wavery at times!)
Felt relieved to have told them.
Not having such a good evening though! Feel really lonely this evening 😏

OP posts:
Bone11 · 09/05/2023 22:34

Grenola I'm glad you might get some closure that you were craving. Yes, wait a bit and see what you want to reply with. Your shift is so long, you must be so tired! Totally understand that you don't want to undo the work you've already started in getting through things though.

Acorns Sorry you're having a tough evening. This time of day is worse for me too. It's when we would focus on each other and I loved our evening chats and catch ups. Well done for telling people. So hard to do. I have told a couple more people today, they have been shocked but supportive.

Bone11 · 09/05/2023 22:37

Grenola that is also good he recognised that his actions weren't appropriate and hurt you. It might help to be able to forgive that aspect if he genuinely meant it and you know he's struggling at the moment. It must be so tempting to hope that you might work this out as he's got in touch, but as you say, will this just happen again?

Original poster
FromLittleAcornsGrow · 09/05/2023 22:50

People have been really supportive to me too. It helps to tell people , makes it real and no going back!
I still feel foolish though. Like they’re thinking ‘here we go again!’ I hate the evenings. I can keep busy all day and be shattered but as soon as I get into bed, sleep just won’t come and the thoughts just keep going round and round in my mind. I keep wondering what he is doing, who he is talking to. Although in reality in then week he’s usually asleep by 9! Early starts. So I don’t know why I’m torturing myself!

OP posts:
Bone11 · 09/05/2023 22:57

I have slept in the spare room since. I just can't bring myself to sleep in my bed. He never lived here but obviously stayed often. But it's more that my habit was to text until we said goodnight, and I know I'll be thinking of that which is too hard. It's easier in a different room. Crazy eh. I know what you mean, I feel like everyone must be rolling their eyes behind my back.

Grenola · 09/05/2023 23:04

Hello lovelies…

im just showered and in bed. It’s been quite a day for me. A very sad suicide watch for a 9 year old :-( very busy eith other patients too:

I hope you’re both ok. Well done for facing the day and also managed to tell some people.
I cried in the journey into a friend/colleague and managed to talk it thru and get clarity.

it helped so much to hear frim
him because a) we never actually broke up ect, he just cruelly cut me off and b) my feeling felt validated and c) I can now work on my true feelings and not the knee jerk reaction to the rejection I felt.

im not sure how this will pan out, but I am not going to rush a conversation. Especially with a tired head and hurt, and the power to control when that is is what I needed to give me strength.

hope u both manage some sleep tongiht, lots of love…, your not alone eith this 😚

Bone11 · 10/05/2023 06:16

Grenola you are amazing. I don't know how you have the strength to do your job at the best of times, nevermind when you are going through this. It must be so hard seeing things like that, that poor little one. Your last message sounds much more positive, you are giving me hope. Mine too was sudden without closure and it's the shock that has made the hurt so deep I think. Have a good day ladies, we got through yesterday, we can get through today.