Need a hand hold tonight.

[FromLittleAcornsGrow]

Just that really. My partner of 8 years has just broken up with me. He doesn’t want to see me anymore. I know deep in my heart it’s for the best but tonight I’m sad. For the lost 8 years, for the loss of him and the good times.
For thinking at 58 this is it for me. I will
Most likely be on my own now forever with no one to hold me or love me or be there just for me.
I can’t imagine starting all over again with someone new.
I thought we’d grow old together and share our retirement.
it wasn’t meant to be for us. I couldn’t give him what he needed and he couldn’t provide what I needed but I will so miss his friendship and the good times.
Tell me it gets better. That I won’t always feel this lost and lonely.

Thanks peterlemonjello you’ve actually no idea how much that means when someone cares how I’m feeling! That’s what I feel I’ve lost!
I chose my family which was absolutely the right decision, but the truth is my family are selfish and all about ‘take’ from me. No one ever really cares if I’m ok! Or even asks. That’s what my xdp did!

But I am ok atm. Trying to keep busy at work so I don’t have time to think!

No problem Acorns. Keeping busy is so important I think, but it can be difficult sometimes to find things to do that are distracting enough.

Todays the first day of 10 days leave from work. I’m taking my elderly mum on holiday today. Tough as I was supposed to be going with XDP to help me. Now I will be carer, chauffeur and chief cook and bottle washer on my own all week! On a plus note the sun is shining and the forecast looks reasonable! I have several books packed and more than one bottle of wine!

Have a lovely, peaceful time Acorns.

Thinking about you and hope you have a great time away!

Hi everyone hope your all ok.

Tonight feels long…. Alone without the kids. Sent them off at 2… my middle has fractured two bones in his foot so seeing him crutch off into the car broke me a little. And I’m missing them so much :-(

Hi Grenola. Is it all weekend without them? I try to enjoy my weekends without kids but I always look forward to them coming home.

Yeah every weekend 2pm sat and then gone after school Monday,
I know I need the break but some weekend I hate sending them off.

Personally, I don't think it gets any easier, you just develop strategies to deal with it.

I was always grateful that when my marriage broke up my DC were too old to need me to have to think about access visits and weekends with ‘him’. Not that he’s ever wanted to have that kind of contact with them! But that’s another story!
The break up of relationships is so complicated isn’t it? They just never seem to go away !
As lovely as it is to be away and on holiday , I am now faced with that dreadful ‘time to think!’ Up until now I’ve had 5 weeks of keeping busy and pushing it to the back of my mind each time it pops up. Now there’s no hiding place!
It’s bringing back all the anxieties I had when XH cheated and left! Lots of stuff I am not sure I dealt with at the time! Now all the stuff with DP I am feeling sick and anxious. Like I need to address it all to start the healing process but I’m scared to.

@FromLittleAcornsGrow -ah I know…. It’s just not a linear line of recovery. Same with me, the cheating and deciet and having to brave front it to the kids… we never get over this shit quickly. It comes in waves for me… I got the second part of the divorce this week and it threw me.

being a woman is hard, we shoulder so much and we are hard wired to not process stuff properky… taking too much blame, feeling too much guilt.

Anyway, me and my guy have started seeing each other again and weeks of break to let the stress calm for us both. It’s never going to be simple with both having kids and ex’s. But at my age no one will come along perfect and I will never be nieve and blind again. I missed him so much and do love him… I was just scared. But I need to proceed with caution and strength and check in with myself all the time. And speak to my councillor weekly, I realise I am vulnerable having adhd and my feelings and reactions are quick. And ending things with him was inpulsive, but totally left field but premature definitely.
I won’t deny myself happiness, life is hard and if I can have some little pockets of happiness then I will take it.

Hope you’re all ok…. There is no magic fix or pill to take. We simply just have to take each day as it comes and be strong and true to ourselves xx

@FromLittleAcornsGrow I've been reading your posts off and on when I get chance. Please accept my apologies if I'm repeating what others have said as I haven't read full thread. You sound absolutely heartbroken and I am so sorry that this has happened to you. You obviously love this man and from what I've read he loved you too. Are these family issues totally unresolvable? Is there no way around the situation? Can't you both come to some compromise? I speak as someone who has been a carer for my mum and am now stepping in to help look after another elderly relative. I've also got an adopted son who is extremely challenging and takes up a lot of my time. I'm mid fifties and I'm aware that I'd be extremely lucky to meet a man who would be happy to share my caring role and who wouldn't resent the amount of time I spend with my family. If I fell in love I'd have to come to some kind of compromise and I would definitely be willing to. I really hope you aren't sacrificing your own happiness to look after other family members and that's what's cost you this relationship (if there's more to it then I apologise, as I said I haven't RTFT). I am in no way criticising you, I understand how easy it is to slip into that carer role. I just feel so sad that your relationship has broken up and you seem devastated. Life is short, is there no way back from this with your ex?

Stevie you’re right I am completely heartbroken. I feel so pathetic as a grown woman to be feeling like this. I m on now the popular mantra is block and delete and get on with your life but I really am struggling to do that. I did /do love him unconditionally. He made my life worthwhile because he offered me an escape from the day to day drudge, we get on so well and no one knows me like him and vice versa.
i remain as sure as I can that he loves me too. Whilst the caring for my elderly mum is an issue as it stopped me moving several years ago when my dad died suddenly , The biggest problem is my daughter. He fell out with her a year ago and is way too stubborn to try to mend that bridge. At the time I felt it was 6of one and half a dozen of the other, they were both to blame and alcohol was a contributing factor. . My DD is no angel but still lives with me and shows no sign of being able to be independent. She would however find a way to build that relationship with him again , but he can’t/won’t. I do feel if he loved me as I loved him he would have compromised. I can’t abandon her and never see her again and that’s what he would want if we were to live together. I would have continued as we were, living separately and I actually felt it was working well but he wanted more. That is absolutely his right to want that.
it’s sad and I am truly lost without him but unless he can come round even a little, there really isn’t any future for us. Which is incredibly sad. No one will love me like he did and no one will ever love him again like I do.

@FromLittleAcornsGrow Oh no that's terrible! What an awful predicament you have been put in. I understand now the reason you seem convinced there is no going back even though you both love each other. I honestly don't know what to suggest and my heart goes out to you. How absolutely tragic that he won't give way just a little, that he is prepared to lose you over this. Especially since your daughter is willing to try and make amends. I can understand that you can't cut your daughter out of your life, I'd be the same with my son (although I can imagine my son and his behaviour would be very hard for someone else unrelated to him to accept). One day your daughter will leave home, can't he wait until then? Or can't you move in with him and help her find somewhere else to live (obviously, I don't know how old she is) and hope that when you are living with him, he comes round to the idea of a reconciliation with her? I'm probably talking absolute rubbish here and talking about scenarios you've already considered. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I've tried to read the full thread since my post and your heartbreak and unhappiness is so apparent. You seem like a lovely person, I was reading about the holiday of a lifetime you had planned together etc What is wrong with some men? Is he so stubborn he is willing to throw everything away so easily? I really hope things work out for you, whether, by some miracle, he sees sense and it's back with him or whether you find happiness elsewhere eventually (of which I'm sure such a caring and loving person as yourself will do) x

thank you for your kind words stevie
it really is very sad. I don’t think I could take the risk of moving in with him and him still not reconciling with my DD. I would lose her and my other children too. I could never choose a man over my children. She’s 24, but has had mh problems in the past. She’s so much better but I could never push her out until she felt ready to go.
The craziest thing is that if it had been his DD and me he would absolutely put her first and I would expect him to , I would move mountains to try to make things right so we could be together so I have to assume that although he loves me, he doesn’t love me enough!
other people’s children are always a difficult path to navigate not matter how old they are!
I think my life is so difficult in general that he was my sanctuary and ‘good bit’ and that’s what makes it so difficult to get over. The support I’ve had on here on mn has helped me so much in the last month it really helps to ‘talk’ through what’s in my head !

How's it going @FromLittleAcornsGrow

Hi peterlemonjello
Things are ok. Thank you so much for asking. To be honest I thought I’d been forgotten!! Everyone seemed to disappear. I was thinking maybe people were fed up with me dripping on here all the time!
XDP and I have been talking a little. We’ve even met up a couple of times. In some ways that’s hard because when it’s just us we’re good together. We get on so well and laugh all the time. But obviously it keeps the wounds fresh. And isn’t a popular decision on here because the consensus of opinion is block and delete. I think we are both finding it difficult to let go. So in the end I’ve decided that I’m too exhausted and busy in my life to think about moving on, making a new life atm, I just don’t have the head space for it , so I’m happy to just be friends and know he doesn’t hate me. At least for the time being. For me it’s helping as I don’t feel so bereft as I did. I just don’t think I can do a cold hard break! How are you?

I'm good thanks. Glad things are more settled for you and you have got to a point where you are more accepting of it, by the sound of it. Socialising with XDP, I think, shows you accept things for what they are, but want to remain on good terms.

I don't think people were fed up, maybe just busy. Sometimes it's easy to miss updates and the nature of modern life.

@FromLittleAcornsGrow I checked a couple of times recently and no one had posted anything new. In fact, I was hoping I hadn't upset you by asking if there was any chance of a reconciliation and then you gave us the full ins and outs of the situation. I was hoping I hadn't put you in a position where you felt you had to divulge more than you were comfortable with, so I'm glad to see your update today. I'm happy that you've been able to meet up with your ex and you are now on good terms. From the background you gave, I couldn't get my head around how he could suddenly just cut you off so completely. The old romantic in me really hopes you can work things out and get back together as you so obviously love him and from what you say, he loves you too. The "mumsnet cynic" in me just wants to warn you to take things slowly, you've been very upset since the split when he cut you off so (seemingly) cruelly and callously. Are you sure there was no one else involved at his end? Could there have been someone else and it hasn't worked out and that's why he's come back to you, after previously wanting to cut you out of his life so completely? I'd like nothing more than to hear you have got back together and all issues have been resolved, as you have been absolutely heartbroken without him but please tread carefully. Wishing you a really happy future, whatever happens x

Hi stevie
thanks for your message. No you definitely didn’t upset me!I just thought I was a bit like a stuck record… it’s my default to think I’m not worthy of the support I suppose!
The old romantic in me wants exactly the same! You’re right we do still care deeply about each other. Our lives are so intertwined with each others. It’s really hard to let go for both of us!
I don’t think there was anyone else. I know you can never say never but I do think he’s probably realising that what we had was good and he’s not likely to get that with anyone else because he’d spent a great deal of years before he met me looking!! I don’t think we can go back , but I do value him as a friend and I had missed that dreadfully.
As I’ve said before I wouldn’t ever choose him over my family maybe I should put myself first before them more often though. Which is what I have been trying to do. I’m still sad and feel like I’m just existing and going through the motions of day to day life but I’ve no other choice.

@FromLittleAcornsGrow I'm so relieved I hadn't upset you. Please value yourself more, you sound like an amazing woman, no wonder he's missed you! I really hope he's realised what he lost and is now willing to compromise with the situation with your daughter. Surely he can't be that stubborn that he'd lose you forever? I know he ended things very abruptly and you've been (and still are) hurt but my heart breaks for you as, from what I've read, you are still so in love with him and sounded absolutely miserable without him. Please find a way to put yourself and your desires first.

stevie I have always tried to be a good person. I’m flawed like everyone else but throughout my life I have always almost without exception put everyone else before me. It just feels now like it’s come back to bite me on the bum because those closest to me have taken me for granted so long they can’t even begin to see things from my point of view!
both my daughters are feisty confident young women (aside from youngest DDs anxiety and mh) they would never let anyone treat them like I’ve accepted over the years but they also can’t then understand the pull of guilt I feel towards my parents and my children. I’m glad they’re so confident but with that has come a certain lack of empathy. …
I’m good at my job and Mrs Dependable, everyone’s ‘workmum’. But….
I’m weary of coping and want to run away at times to the sea and just be me for a few weeks.

@FromLittleAcornsGrow I know exactly how you feel as I'm in a similar position myself. I've always put others first, particularly my parents and son. To the extent that I devoted myself to my darling late mum, becoming her carer, she lived with me for many years (which I don't regret a day of), whilst my sister was free to get on with her career and family life, without having to take our mum's needs into consideration. I also adopted my son, who is extremely tricky to handle, entirely due to his early life experiences, whilst my sister has produced two "perfect" children and constantly criticises my parenting as "her children wouldn't behave like that". I now find myself, mid fifties and suddenly expected to look after my 91 year old father in law, I sometimes feel like my life is spent just looking after other people. I'm finally putting my foot down and have insisted I have at least Sundays to myself. I'm not doing anything for anyone or going anywhere. I look forward to that day all week, but running away to the sea for a couple of weeks sounds fantastic. You go for it and they might all realise how much they take you for granted!

Stevie I know so much what you mean about the expectations of others of you always being there for them. I think if others see you as being able to take people on to care for them that becomes your ‘role’ in life!
I think I feel particularly bitter because I spent many years looking after my FiL, when he died , within 5 months my XH had left me for the OW (who he’d been seeing whilst I was caring for his dad!!) it’s a long time ago but I know I carry that bitterness!
I love my mum dearly and I always try to be there for her but my 3 brothers largely expect me to be the one that carries that burden. Despite the fact that out of all of us I am the only one who works full time. (2 of my brothers took early retirement younger than I am now!) and one only works part time after retiring! )
I still have my youngest DD at home and I’m still trying to support her emotionally and often financially as she struggles to work full time due to her mh. As she’s 24 , her dad doesn’t have to contribute financially! But how can I just Chuck her out? I definitely feel trapped within my life!