Need a hand hold tonight.

[FromLittleAcornsGrow]

Just that really. My partner of 8 years has just broken up with me. He doesn’t want to see me anymore. I know deep in my heart it’s for the best but tonight I’m sad. For the lost 8 years, for the loss of him and the good times.
For thinking at 58 this is it for me. I will
Most likely be on my own now forever with no one to hold me or love me or be there just for me.
I can’t imagine starting all over again with someone new.
I thought we’d grow old together and share our retirement.
it wasn’t meant to be for us. I couldn’t give him what he needed and he couldn’t provide what I needed but I will so miss his friendship and the good times.
Tell me it gets better. That I won’t always feel this lost and lonely.

Oh god!! Why am I so bloody stupid. I just texted him suggesting a meet up (as friends!) and got knocked back. Of course he did…
I don’t even know why I did it. I’d promised myself to go no contact…. Why is it so hard??? I definitely need to have a severe talking to myself. Please feel free to tell me what an idiot I am!!!!!

You're not an idiot..... You're going through a type of grief, and it's really bloody hard. Dust yourself off from this rejection and do something lovely for yourself.

I've just found myself in a similar position. My whatever he is now wants to separate after 18 years together, almost 14 married. I thought I wanted that too, but I actually don't. And at 52 with a 16 and 11 year old, I'm not sure what future there is for me either.

Whoops OP. Well hey, nobody's perfect!

But really - mid/late 50s - that's nothing really. I can think of women who found the loveliest partners they ever had in their 50s and 70s!

Of course it's all a huge shock to the system and not what you hoped for! - but don't catastrophise, just go and live your best life.

definatelynotme
You’re right I am grieving and it hurts so much.
when my XH left for the OW I grieved but I was angry too. I never once texted him or asked him to stay friends. This time there’s no one else we just don’t have the same idea of what family life is. No rows, no ornaments being thrown it’s just raw grief that the man I loved unconditionally can just walk away and cut me out of his life without even a backwards glance.
in my heart I know it’s the way it has to be. I love him enough to want his happiness above my own so I must just leave him be. Because we didn’t live together we had daily contact by text or phone. I just miss that comfortable friendship we had. I don’t even know why I sent that bloody text. We were at least on good terms after I’d sent him the letter. Now I’m scared he will hate me for not leaving him alone.

paperbags I really want to try and live my best life … but the family issues of mine that eventually split us up are not going to go away for me. It feels impossible to consider how I’ll ever find anyone ever again. I know that sounds like I’m catastrophising but it all feels so hopeless.

Oh Acorns, you must be all over the place. If you hadn't sent the text you would have been desperate to for ages. Just like sending the letter, sending the text was the right thing for you to do at the time. The letter with hindsight was a good choice, the text hasn't gone the way you hoped. But maybe it will help with finding closure. All the time you hadn't text, there was still a hope in your mind. Now you have done it, and he has said no, that option is gone so although it hurts, you have no choice but to move on. So much is so similar to my situation, I can feel your pain through your words. There are some things that we can't compromise on, and family values is pretty core to a relationship. You are not stupid at all, you are navigating something so hard. It's not easy, you are doing your best.

bones thank you! I feel like a right idiot!
it’s probably just made him crosser than ever with me. The time of his reply was very cold. I know that’s what he has to do to cope with the break up for him. It’s just hard to hear. At least as you say now I know for sure. I can put it behind me and remain non contact as much as possible. I may have to send on some business stuff to him from time to time but I’ll send it with no personal message. That will be the easiest way for us both.

He has no reason to be cross with you. You were together for 8 years, that's such a long time. You're both dealing with it differently, he's coming across as very black and white and that's how he is coping. You are having a more emotional reaction and that's how you are coping. But that doesn't mean it isn't painful for him too. It's really harsh for you though. The person that normally gives you comfort is the one person you can't go to.

bones how true! He was always the first person I would turn to for comfort!

my daughter (and ironically his daughter!) are providing that comfort for me really well. I am very lucky to also have some amazing friends, although I don’t share half as much with them as I do with you guys on here!! It’s so nice having all your support.
how are things for you this evening ?

I'm quite calm this evening which is welcome, I've been very lazy since I got in from work, just felt like doing nothing. I'm sad, but resigned to the facts now I suppose. That's so nice his daughter is still part of your life. I hope that continues for you.

Bones it is so lovely that his daughter is part of my life. She’s like another daughter to me after 8 years and her little daughter is like a granddaughter , I have been a part of her life since she was born but I just wonder how healthy that is long term? I’d be devastated to lose them but it does create a long term link to him , he may not like it and it may cause me more pain in the long term. It’s a strange one!

Personally I think you need to stop thinking about what he will feel. She is a grown woman capable of her own relationships. You can see her without seeing him if you both want to. You might find that link to him hard to cope with, but that will get easier. You might naturally drift apart from her, I think it's great that she is supporting you now though.

Do you n on now what Bones that’s always been my biggest problem! Worrying about other people’s feelings before my own!!
How are you this morning?

Lurker here. I sincerely hope you lovely women are soon able to use your time and energy making your own lives happier, rather than dwelling on and worrying about these men and their possible feelings 🌷

I'm OK thanks. Got through another day and night! I've always put other people before myself too, which is why it hurts so much and seems so incredible that others don't do the same, I expected the same treatment from him as I gave to him, but he wasn't wired that way unfortunately. Not sure I want to change myself, I don't want to be selfish, I think I need to seek out better people to hang out with! Raise my standards I suppose.

Orb - I'm hoping that will be the next phase for us all once we get through this bit.

Orb nice that others are lurking. Welcome to our world! It is what it is. I have a bit more clarity and certainty this morning. It’s over I accept that and he doesn’t do friends. Eventually I’ll accept that too. It’s his loss at the end of the day. If he could have got over being so stubborn we could have had a nice life together. But it wasn’t meant to be. I genuinely hope he finds what he is looking for.
as for me. I need to spend some healing time on me, work out what I want and live my best life.

How are you all doing?
are you ok Grenola?
Bones are you still feeling positive?
I swing between massive lows to massive highs.
mum struggling with the no contact. But know I must just get used to it….
I hope it will be a little easier day by day but I can’t look beyond one day atm. So many plans we had to do things keep popping up in my diary. And memories on fb. I should delete him from my fb really but that seems so petty to get rid of all those good memories!

Morning all. I'm the same as you Acorns, really really struggling with the no contact. And we also had lots of plans that just aren't going to happen. We had a weekend away this weekend which will be hard for me, I'm dreading that. Agree with the highs and lows. Yesterday was OK, today much harder.

bones sorry today is hard for you too.
it’s so painful at times isn’t it?
mum taking a good friend to a concert this Friday that I was originally going to with him. Seems a shame to waste the tickets! I’m trying to look forward to it and seeing my friend but it keeps popping into my head that I was supposed to be going with him!

Thanks Acorns. I'm at work and just can't concentrate today. I don't want to keep saying the same things to my friends, they must be sick of me. I just can't believe he has done this to me. I'm so sad the good times meant absolutely nothing to him. The intimacy I thought we had. The closeness. The trust. I've shared so much with him. And he doesn't want it. He doesn't want me. He simply doesn't care. I'm just quite stunned by that today. I've just got to get used to it. There's nothing anyone can say really. It's just going to take time. And some of that time is going to feel like shit. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Hiya lovelies. Xxx

ive had a tough few days. So much pressure getting essay in and review for my exam on Monday.
my adhd means I struggle to transition and change my energy when I stop placement and swing straight into theory. I’m at odds with myself.

I messed my councilling too, so it’s this Friday.

I spoke to ‘him’ last night. We had a good talk, it was sensible and he space is helping us focus on our kids ect. He told me he loves me and misses me and it felt so hard because my heart jus wants him. It’s not like I’m even got any bad experiences to rationalise my feelings. This break up has been all me, and I now see it, my fear.

im scared of it all, and all I can do s the mo is keep a handle on the progression of it and how fast it moves. But I can’t deny that my feelings for him are not wanning or changing and as I said before our connection and feelings are so natural and simple. We communicate so well, ive never had such a strong voice in a relationship.

so I guess I just going, keep communicating, and get through my exam!

but I’m not sure I can keep going like this, I was ready for a relationship when we met. It’s happened so naturally and he ticks nearly all of the boxes and the chemistry is there.
what more am I waiting for, or wanting? There is nothing missing. I just reacted to the relationship moving to a more serious place where we needed each other and we’re vulnerable.
it’s the heartache I’ve had before that is stopping me. That and the fact I’m not sure to being happy. Without going on, my life for the last 10 years has been a challenge and the later 5 years has been full of trauma and heartache and abuse. This is probably a the heart of all of this.

im sorry your both hurting, and I’m sorry that you are going thru this all…. Remember 1 days closer to feeling better and ready to take on our new journey XXX

bones I’m with you. It’s hard when you feel you can’t unload to friends and colleagues because you feel like you’re a stuck record!(not sure younger members will understand that analogy!😂)
just keep sharing with us. It doesn’t matter if you’re repeating yourself because that’s what I’m doing!
I keep thinking 2 weeks ago we were ok. I know I’m my heart that can’t be true or he wouldn’t have ended it so abruptly! But I’m my head we’d been fine.
nearly two weeks of not talking. It’s not getting any easier! I keep seeing things I want to send him then remember I can’t.
I think in my head after my last knock back I’ve somehow accepted he definitely wants no contact and I’m respectful of that. But that aching loneliness doesn’t go away.

me very day I wake up thinking today must feel a bit better!

Grenola glad you’re ok. Just keep talking and working out your feelings at your pace. It’s tough when our past relationships colour how we’re able to move forwards isn’t it?
I want to believe that there is ‘my person’ out there somewhere. We just need to find each other!

That person will be out there. I’m just realising that actually finding that person is only half the battle! Everything else has to align and our hearts have to be ready x