Need a hand hold tonight.

[FromLittleAcornsGrow]

Just that really. My partner of 8 years has just broken up with me. He doesn’t want to see me anymore. I know deep in my heart it’s for the best but tonight I’m sad. For the lost 8 years, for the loss of him and the good times.
For thinking at 58 this is it for me. I will
Most likely be on my own now forever with no one to hold me or love me or be there just for me.
I can’t imagine starting all over again with someone new.
I thought we’d grow old together and share our retirement.
it wasn’t meant to be for us. I couldn’t give him what he needed and he couldn’t provide what I needed but I will so miss his friendship and the good times.
Tell me it gets better. That I won’t always feel this lost and lonely.

Hi Definitely. Are you sure you want to try again? It doesn't sound like you are getting much that you want from that decision. Did you both agree or has one of you had your arm twisted? You seem to be making a lot of sacrifices for him, your diet and health and your tactile needs, both of which are so important. It's really hard isn't it, you want it to work but you need what you need at the end of the day. Do you ever get time to do things together?

Definitely I agree with Bones think about what you WANT and what you are getting from this.
Don’t do what I did and fall into the trap that ‘anything is better than nothing’.
I can see now that is what I had done for the last year !
I miss what I thought we had and when I really think about it, that hadn’t been there for at least a year. It still hurts like hell and there’s no other way to get over it than get through this stage as painful as it is. But if you settle for ok but not great you may regret it one day.

Hi Bones, how are you today?

Two weeks ago, I definitely wanted to try again and the seperation was very much lead by him. But on the Tuesday evening we argued (very unusual for us) and he said some absolutely vile things. And then on the Wedneday evening he wanted to try again.... The things he said during the argument have very much stuck with me, and I'm not sure we can get past everything this time. We've been together nearly 20 years, so obviously ups and downs over that length of time.
I'm not really getting anything out of this marriage at the moment, it literally only benefits me financially, and I run around making life easy for everyone except me!
We could have time together to do things, but we rarely do.

This is what I worry about.... I'd really rather not be his safe / fall back option, and I really just want to be happy. And if that's on my own, then so be it.

But then..... I do miss what we used to have.

The feeling of missing what you used to have is one I completely identify with. I am questioning whether things were really that good for us, or whether it's rose tinted glasses. And I'm really not sure anymore after all the hurt. I'd never be able to trust him not to hurt me like this again, and I'd always be doubting whether he loved me as much as I love him if he were to come back to me now. Do you think you can really move forwards to something that you want? Because whether the good times were real or not, there is no going back to them. Only forwards, with him or without him. This is the time to renegotiate what you want things to be like for your future. I hope things work out for you, whatever you choose to do. We all deserve to be happy.

Bones I know exactly what you’re saying. I keep thinking even if he came knocking at the door now I couldn’t ever really trust him again. After my divorce from my cheating XH I thought I’d never make myself that vulnerable to trust anyone again! It took me a long time. And now he’s left me. I’m not sure I can ever be that vulnerable with anyone again!

Do you have any weekend plans Acorns? I don't this weekend, and I'm a bit worried about how I'll cope.

You could make some nice plans for yourself @Bone11

I have made plans for myself, but I don't like doing things alone. I have things to do, but my mind wanders and that's what I'm not looking forward to.

Bones no not really…. I’m dreading the weekend too. It’s my brother’s birthday so may go for a meal. I don’t particularly want to but it’s expected I should attend so I guess I will go. Family are trying to be overhelpful and fill what they perceive to be my spare time! They mean well but I don’t want other people organising me and in reality I would rather be spending time with XP (which I know isn’t possible) but anything else just feels like an intrusion!
I actually think I’m starting to resent my family a bit. Their demands on me are a significant contributory factor in my relationship breakdown as our aspirations for the future and family life were so different. I resent that I feel I had to make a choice and choose my family (which I would always have done!) That’s a very simplified version of our complicated relationship and life but I suppose it’s my head telling me something is to blame and if it isnt me and it isn’t him (whereas much of it actually was him!) it must be my family. I haven’t voiced that to anyone. Even myself before. I don’t want to resent my family. I guess I just have to work through these feelings.

Good that you have made plans and have things to do. Not so good if your mind wanders. I guess it could help to try and make sense of things a bit.

Any kind of distraction is good because if you achieve it even for a short time you'll know you can do it again.

Hope everyone is OK and enjoying the sunshine. I'm having a peaceful weekend so far, a few tears but mainly peaceful. I've allowed myself to listen to music, I find it too emotive until now and I knew it would be overwhelming. I enjoyed it, but it was bittersweet at times. I've booked in a few things to do with friends for the coming months. And whilst not on top of things, I've done some jobs at home and allowed myself to relax when I wasn't motivated. I'm hoping to have a peaceful day today and tomorrow too.

Bone well done for the small steps. I’m still really struggling. I find weekends so tough as it was always our time to do stuff together. I’m lost and don’t know how to find my way out.
I’m going through the stage of blaming myself atm. I KNOW logically I’m not to blame but I keep running through my head out last conversation like I should change the narrative. Say something different. Which is silly because we split because we have fundamentally differing views on something as important as family. I chose my family. (Not even a choice in my eyes !) but I am struggling with that choice. I just feel like I am Going round and round in circles. Tying myself in Knots. I suppose it will get better. I want to keep busy but I also don’t want to/can’t be bothered to do anything!!

Hi Acorns. I'm pretending I'm having a cup of tea with you in my garden. Weekends are definitely hardest. Especially summer ones I think, the pressure to be out doing something, and everyone asks your plans on a Friday and how was your weekend on a Monday. I realised no one in the world knew what I was doing today, because normally we'd be together, and I am just at home but I could be anywhere doing anything. Some people would find that freeing, but I want to belong and be part of a unit that looks after each other. I am making small steps. I think it helps me that he treated me badly at the end, so I can think of his negative qualities to help me get over the good ones. You chose your family, but you shouldn't have to make a choice between partner and family surely? They should become your family and you theirs. Obviously I don't know the details of your situation, and it will be more nuanced than my idealised version, but if you had to choose, because he made you choose, he can't be that much of a great guy. I'm trying to fall out of love with him as my way of getting over him. So I'm thinking of all his faults often. Otherwise I run the risk of making him the one that got away, a fantasy that I long for and can never have. I'm prone to daydreaming and unrequited love, so I know this is dangerous territory for me, I need to stay rooted in reality. I love him and miss him. But....He treated me badly, therefore I am better off without him. If I keep saying it, I hope I'll believe it.

I also feel like this has changed me. And also, that it has to change me. I need to learn from this. And I need to be stronger. I'm not very good at being strong though, not for myself. I'm strong for everyone else all the time. But much harder to be strong for me. And I need to be.

Bone I’ve sent you a private message. Hope that’s ok?

Hi everyone xxx

i hope your ok….. I’ve been on a whirlwind… exam and then uni project and then Amsterdam early hours sat morning!

just got in… it was a great trip with my bestest if friends BUT also their husbands ect. So it was hard being the solo one tagged in the end. But I’m used to it now I guess!!

I drank far too much, and danced for hours and hours!!!! It was so good… but now I’m scared on the post trip blues and missing being around people.

xx

Grenola so pleased you were able to go and enjoy it though!
it is always hard being the singleton! So positive for you that you managed it and enjoying it is a bonus!

Acorns I've pm'd you too, I had problems with the site, sorry it took so long!

Hi Grenola! That sounds amazing, so glad you had a really fun time! That's very inspiring to read.

PeterLemonJello - thank you x

Hey everyone, I hope the weekend wasn't too awful! @Grenola yours sounds great lol.

Mine was up and down. We told the kids we're separating, and then started telling family and close friends. So I spent yesterday dissolving into tears - but for the kids. My ds is devastated and neither of them had any idea this was coming.

@FromLittleAcornsGrow I'm in Hampshire - if you're anywhere nearby then we could definitely make a plan one weekend!

I went to the garden centre on my own yesterday just to get out of the house, and swear it was just happy couples..... that was a bit of a kick in the guts, because we'd do that together normally.

@Definitelynotme2022 ah my heart hurts for u. I have been there and I remember it feeling so awful. But it does get better, it’s kind of the rock bottom bit and then it had to go upwards. keep going your doing well

x

Definitely I don’t live in Hampshire but one of my DD does. I may be there in a few weeks, trying to forget I was supposed to be somewhere in the sun with him!!
I hate going to ‘couple’ places, it’s grim being on your own amongst couples.
hope today is a better day for you all!

Hoping everyone is OK. I've had a lonely day today, which has hit me hard.