Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Staying together till kids have grown up?

394 replies

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 16:10

Has anyone decided to stay in a relationship for their children until they have grown up and moved out? With all the things in the news about mums new partners and “step fathers” I would personally never want to bring a man into my children’s lives/ a step father, I know not all are bad but I personally don’t want to take the risk. I know I will get told you can be happy alone but I don’t want to be alone and I want to share my life with someone. I’m perfectly happy on my own and have been for several years but I was thinking of the possibility of trying again with my ex, we didn’t break up for anything major no cheating or dv. I know you can be happy alone but it’s like single mums are expected to stay alone once Their relationship ends and some of us would like company and someone to share life with which is not the same as having friends they have their own lives and relationships. Is anyone staying in a relationship till their kids have grown up? (Please don’t tell me to be happy on my own great for you if you are happy to be single and don’t want a partner then this thread isn’t for you)

OP posts:
IBlinkThereforeIAm · 04/05/2023 16:17

Given OP has been split up from ex for years, it's not clear if they were ever even married, and she's said she's had no other relationships since and mentioned nothing about either of them having had any more DC with anyone else. 😂

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 16:17

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 04/05/2023 16:12

Every other weekend is good. I don't get that I get no weekends

Multiple solutions have been suggested to you to free up time at the weekends for yourself and you have refused every single one. That's your choice. But then don't complain that you get no time time yourself, when you're refusing to do any of the things that could facilitate that.

That's not the same as an ex that has the kids over night eow though is it? People who have exes that have their kids eow is nowhere near the same as my situation

OP posts:
Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 16:19

Watchkeys · 04/05/2023 16:10

What's he prioritising over giving you adequate notice?

Show quote history

I don't know he told me he should be able to see them when he wants. He won't stick to arranged times in advance.

OP posts:
XBealtaine · 04/05/2023 16:19

.

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 04/05/2023 16:22

That's not the same as an ex that has the kids over night eow though is it? People who have exes that have their kids eow is nowhere near the same as my situation

Well of course it's different. Everyone's situation is different. How does being bitter about that help you? Many of my friends are still happily married. Would being jealous of that change my situation? No.

Focus on your own situation. I've told you mine is similar. In fact my ex-H has no contact with my children at all. Also no family support.

So the question should be what are you going to do to improve your situation and your children's lives? Why are you refusing all suggestions of ways to improve things? Why are you considering doing something so destructive by moving their waste of space father back in, why is your self-esteem so low you'd even contemplate that? Are you going to get therapy about this? What can you do to improve your financial situation? How can you make more friends and create a better support network and carve out more time for yourself?

Why have you ignored/ refused all suggestions regarding how to do the above?

Wallowing in self-pity because some other people's situations might be easier won't help you.

Watchkeys · 04/05/2023 16:23

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 16:19

I don't know he told me he should be able to see them when he wants. He won't stick to arranged times in advance.

Show quote history

Is this your preference or his? Would you like it better if he would stick to set times?

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 04/05/2023 16:24

I don't know he told me he should be able to see them when he wants. He won't stick to arranged times in advance.

Wow. Grow a backbone. Tell him you want to help him see DC but you have a life to plan too so from now on contact times will be X and Y and it he doesn't stick to them then he does not see the children until the next one.

Why have you tolerated him treating you and them in this way?!

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 16:25

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 04/05/2023 16:24

I don't know he told me he should be able to see them when he wants. He won't stick to arranged times in advance.

Wow. Grow a backbone. Tell him you want to help him see DC but you have a life to plan too so from now on contact times will be X and Y and it he doesn't stick to them then he does not see the children until the next one.

Why have you tolerated him treating you and them in this way?!

He won't. How can I make him? Refuse to let him see them?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 04/05/2023 16:26

He won't. How can I make him? Refuse to let him see them

Do you think he respects you, then, OP? Your wants, your needs? Your feelings?

XBealtaine · 04/05/2023 16:28

I left knowing that if I was single forever, so be it, that was still better than being with him. So I had that clarity. You don't have that it seems.

I know what you mean though, single parents can and are pasted on mumsnet for the smallest thing. I posted once that my daughter was playing every time I was on the phone to my then bf. I was roasted. The first bf I'd had in 8 years. * years of being there for kids, prioritising them, getting a job, cooking healthy food, having playdates when possible, ballet when requested, reading stories at night, always always always putting them first. when I did meet somebody who understood completely and just contented himself with phonecalls and weekend dates, I posted on mumsnet and you'd have thought I was tracey beaker's mum. I'd never ask for advice on here!

Don't over think things too much. If you meet somebody and it's easy, then that works for you, but if they don't work around your situation, that isn't right for you. Personally i'd never take back somebody who left me. It'd erode my sense of myself. Children need a mother with a strong sense of herself. First and Foremost they need that I think.

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 04/05/2023 16:29

No, HE would be refusing to see them if he doesn't turn up for the agreed contact times. You don't have an obligation to be available permanently and cancel plans whenever suits him to see them. Tell him set times/ days per week need to be agreed. You suggest X and Y. If he has a different proposal then tell you and you'll consider it. And then if he doesn't turn up when he's meant to then he doesn't see them until the next designated time. It's his problem. Why are you letting him walk all over you? And then as a result, let your DC down repeatedly with changing plans last minute?

InceyWinceySpidy · 04/05/2023 16:31

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 14:14

We all have our own preferences I don’t know anyone who would hire a babysitter from Facebook people I know only use their family/ friends. I’m not leaving my children with someone I found on Facebook.

Show quote history

Then if you're too precious to leave your child with a qualified child professional, just because they advertise on Facebook, then don't pretend you can't date. You could. You just make up stupid excuses that a registered nursery nurse isn't good enough, because they advertise on one of the world's biggest platforms.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/05/2023 16:31

Why no co parent under the same roof? Then he gets the time with his dc he wants, you have him there in place so you can come and go as you like a little more. Split the bills, he has a bedroom and you have a bedroom and the kids have a bedroom.

You can have an active social life as the dc are at home with their father, but you two aren't in a relationship.

InceyWinceySpidy · 04/05/2023 16:33

Watchkeys · 04/05/2023 16:26

He won't. How can I make him? Refuse to let him see them

Do you think he respects you, then, OP? Your wants, your needs? Your feelings?

He respects none of this.

But he's living in a bedsit so he's told OP he loves her so he can get a better house with her
OP thinks this is brilliant.

MayThe4th · 04/05/2023 16:36

So. He doesn’t see the kids now even though he has all the freedom in the world, and yet you actively expect that he’s going to want three children moving in with him as a permanent fixture? Children he dumped five years ago without a bank ward glance and has barely bothered with since?

Are you really stupid enough to believe that that is going to happen?

He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t love his children, at best all you’re going to be to him is a shag. Likely he wants you back because no self respecting woman will touch him with a barge pole. And the collateral damage is going to be your children. But hey so long as you get laid who gives a fuck about the children. Why did you even bother having children in fact.

XBealtaine · 04/05/2023 16:37

Re-reading this @AdditionalCharacter you really need to take a breath and build solid ground beneath you. As your children get a bit older you'll be less dependent on babysitters. But your X sounds utterly selfish and shit and he already left you once for no good reason (that you know of).

You seem to see your value in how 'easy' you are to date. But if you find the right person they will accept seeing you when you're free. Anybody who makes you feel like you're tough to date isn't really interested in YOU.

I met a few of these guys when I was internet dating. They'd no interest in you if you weren't free to go to Amsterdam with 72 hours notice. It was tedious. Even though they might have kids that lived with their mother who were the same age as my kids, ykwim! I just gave up!

Being single is better than being with a lazy selfish arsehole. And that's not me trying to convince you to be single. But surely you have enough self-respect not to take man who left you on a whim and won't give you any structured free time that you can plan a life around?

Instead of trying to get back with him, pin him down for regular consistent days of the week taht he has the kids.

Thewitcherswolf · 04/05/2023 16:43

OP, would you and your ex consider moving away from London as a family but not getting back together?
Then you might be able to afford better housing for 2 households and he could have the kids overnight etc.

Watchkeys · 04/05/2023 16:46

InceyWinceySpidy · 04/05/2023 16:33

He respects none of this.

But he's living in a bedsit so he's told OP he loves her so he can get a better house with her
OP thinks this is brilliant.

Show quote history

Be good if you could answer this one for yourself, OP..?

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 16:47

I'm not leaving London, my housing is fine its him that's in a house share not me.

OP posts:
Bapbap45 · 04/05/2023 16:51

Start your own WhatsApp group at the school with your class, it's not that hard and it's not a service your school provides. Someone had to make it happen.

It takes parents who are motivated to create a community of support around them and their kids.

You shoot down every suggestion, and seem so utterly helpless. Take control of the situation and stop banging on about what you can't do and the £20 babysitter.

And FFS stop with the judgement on single parents, it's tedious.

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 16:56

What judgment on single parents? How am I judging them I am one? I won't be starting a WhatsApp group who on earth would join it they have never met me! I went to a party a few weeks back and the mums were very frosty! I won't be starting any groups

OP posts:
IBlinkThereforeIAm · 04/05/2023 16:59

Every single suggestion anybody has made ti try to help you, you've shot down, without exception.

Why do you think that is?

Bapbap45 · 04/05/2023 17:09

Well, if this is how you come across in real life, they might be a bit stand offish.

Humanswarm · 04/05/2023 17:10

What answer are you looking for here OP? I'm genuinely confused, as you came on here to ask for advice, as per the notion of a forum..and yet you shoot down any advice given, and fail to answer most of the logical questions.
You have made your own mind up about what's going to happen. You came here seeking validation and you haven't received it. So what now? Well, the obvious, you'll go back to your ex and within a year, there will be another post from you asking advice on how to get out of a frankly intolerable position...Good luck with that.

InceyWinceySpidy · 04/05/2023 17:12

Humanswarm · 04/05/2023 17:10

What answer are you looking for here OP? I'm genuinely confused, as you came on here to ask for advice, as per the notion of a forum..and yet you shoot down any advice given, and fail to answer most of the logical questions.
You have made your own mind up about what's going to happen. You came here seeking validation and you haven't received it. So what now? Well, the obvious, you'll go back to your ex and within a year, there will be another post from you asking advice on how to get out of a frankly intolerable position...Good luck with that.

The End.