Page 13 | Staying together till kids have grown up?

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 2023-05-03T15:10:26+00:00

Has anyone decided to stay in a relationship for their children until they have grown up and moved out? With all the things in the news about mums new partners and “step fathers” I would personally never want to bring a man into my children’s lives/ a step father, I know not all are bad but I personally don’t want to take the risk. I know I will get told you can be happy alone but I don’t want to be alone and I want to share my life with someone. I’m perfectly happy on my own and have been for several years but I was thinking of the possibility of trying again with my ex, we didn’t break up for anything major no cheating or dv. I know you can be happy alone but it’s like single mums are expected to stay alone once Their relationship ends and some of us would like company and someone to share life with which is not the same as having friends they have their own lives and relationships. Is anyone staying in a relationship till their kids have grown up? (Please don’t tell me to be happy on my own great for you if you are happy to be single and don’t want a partner then this thread isn’t for you)

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 04/05/2023 14:27

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 14:20

I’ve said I don’t want to use babysitters I don’t need an “excuse” where ever I find them I can’t afford one often enough to enable me to date so it’s a pointless suggesting anyway. I can’t afford regular paid for babysitters you don’t no my financial situation. I’ve said I can’t afford it so leave it be. My friends don’t have to spend £100 a night for a babysitter 🤷🏻‍♀️ even if I had the money I couldn’t justify that I would rather spend it on my kids!

Fine.

You don't want to use babysitters. You'd rather spend the money on your kids. So do that then and stay single for now, what's the problem?

Obviously as a single parent with an ex who doesn't have much contact at all you can't date if you won't use a babysitter. 😆

So wait until the kids of older. You said older ones are too old for sleepovers so must be teens now? So in a few years they can babysit the little one.

Just focus on sorting yourself out and getting therapy and improving your financial situation until they're a few years older then you can pay your older children to babysit the younger one once per week or whatever. What's the big deal? You can't possibly function without dating for a few more years?

Original poster

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 14:29

Not teens oldest is 11 so still a few years off for that and I wouldn’t want to give him that much responsibility. But no my 11 year old doesn’t go on play dates.

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angeltulips · 04/05/2023 14:30

So why can’t your ex come round once a week?

Original poster

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 14:32

My friends children aren’t teens. My youngest didn’t go nursery a year ago she’s in year 1 not reception.

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IBlinkThereforeIAm · 04/05/2023 14:41

This is just ridiculous. You refuse to find qualified childcare workers in the ways suggested, with DBS checks and references. You won't discuss working on career or qualifications to improve your earnings, have blanked any questions on that. You don't think an 11 year old should ever be seeing or staying with friends or going to clubs or camps etc. You won't do any of the things suggested to build a wider social network and make friends or get to know other parents so that you could help each other with childcare. But you also say you are unwilling to remain single for what, 4 or 5 more years until the 11 year old could babysit.

And you think the solution is to move back in with a lazy, selfish man who won't even visit your house to stay over with his own children or look after them for the evening while you go out.

Utterly ridiculous.

Original poster

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 14:47

Are you going to give me £80 a week to pay for them? What part of i can't afford it are you not listening to?! My kids already cost an absolute fortune i don't have spare cash.

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QforCucumber · 04/05/2023 14:52

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 00:09

Those of you that have criticised me and said I can date whilst the kids are at school would any of you actually date a single father that you could only see during school hours? or at night in his house then leave by the morning ? Of course you wouldn't. No date nights. Wanna go out for dinner or cinema? he can't come, weekends away? Holidays? Nope.

This is actually precisely how my friend began her relationship with her now partner, they met up and went for breakfast and long walks, lunch's out and spa days.
She has sole custody of her child and he does his (child's mother gave her cigarette burns and left her alone - not always step parents who do this)
After 6 months they started doing days out with both kids and their dogs, just walks and dinner out, it wasn't for another 6 months that they told the kids they were in a relationship - a whole year of dating!

Res_Ipsa · 04/05/2023 14:53

Genuinely can't get over this thread. You have been told by numerous people who have direct experience of this situation and have told you the negative impact it has had on them as children.

Remember, the relationship you show your kids will serve as a blueprint for them in the future.

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 04/05/2023 14:54

It does not need to cost £20 per hour if you look at the options people have suggested.

You don't have to do it every week.

If you cannot occasional babysitting how would you afford dates anyway? You say you have lots of debt. Have your sought help to fix that and put it on a sensible payment plan and to budget to avoid incurring more? What are you doing to increase your earnings longer term so you could afford some free time and activities for yourself?

You keep ignoring everything that everyone says to you or asks you that doesn't suit your narrative.

You can either try to improve your life and take some of the very good advice you've receive here, or you can continue to wallow in bitterness and negativity, which must be rubbing off on your children as well. Or you could move back in with their shitty father and screw up their lives completely when he then walks out on you all again.

I really do not understand your attitude, at all.

mysonsmother82 · 04/05/2023 14:55

.

angeltulips · 04/05/2023 15:02

So why can’t your ex come round once a week?

mysonsmother82 · 04/05/2023 15:04

When I met my now husband 8 years ago he was a single father and I a single mother. For 2 years we only saw each other every other weekend. There are probably plenty of single dads out there who would appreciate and understand your circumstances. I'm sure you'll respond in a negative way to this idea because no matter what anyone suggests you've made your mind up. You don't want your children to have step parents you don't want babysitters and you don't want to remain single.. you want to get back with your ex... what's stopping you... you sound perfect for each other.

QforCucumber · 04/05/2023 15:12

oh and you asked for experiences - mine stayed together 'for the kids' It has royally fucked us up. None of us had a healthy relationship - I was rather promiscuous in both my teens and early 20s as I thought that by having sex with me meant they cared for me - I met my now DH 12 years ago and for 3 years didn't trust him not to leave me, tried to do everything I could because I thought I was responsible for keeping him and making him happy.

My 2 siblings are in their 30s and single with no kids and don't intend to ever have long term relationships or children.

My mum has been happier in her years alone than I ever remember her in the 20 years she was with my dad.

supercali77 · 04/05/2023 15:27

Why can't your ex 'babysit' at your house? In fact why's he not already doing it. What the f is the point of him. Bet he's not paying maintenance either.

If you cant be bothered with men, why would you invite one who's proven himself utterly useless back into your kids lives?

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 04/05/2023 15:33

You want to be a victim and just move back your shitty ex.
Your ex can come to your place.
I am a single mom who met her partner meeting for tea once a week.
You have no ability to compromise so no, I don't think you'll find a relationship.
You seem to thrive in victim hood and negativity.
I don't think a thread has ever frustrated me more.

Watchkeys · 04/05/2023 15:38

As a matter of interest, @ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt , you say you have your kids' best interests at heart... does your ex? If so, he could come around and take care of them, so that you can go out in the evenings, sometimes, can't he?

Why isn't that happening? It'd solve your problems, wouldn't it?

Original poster

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 16:05

mysonsmother82 · 04/05/2023 15:04

When I met my now husband 8 years ago he was a single father and I a single mother. For 2 years we only saw each other every other weekend. There are probably plenty of single dads out there who would appreciate and understand your circumstances. I'm sure you'll respond in a negative way to this idea because no matter what anyone suggests you've made your mind up. You don't want your children to have step parents you don't want babysitters and you don't want to remain single.. you want to get back with your ex... what's stopping you... you sound perfect for each other.

Every other weekend is good. I don't get that I get no weekends

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Original poster

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 16:06

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 04/05/2023 15:33

You want to be a victim and just move back your shitty ex.
Your ex can come to your place.
I am a single mom who met her partner meeting for tea once a week.
You have no ability to compromise so no, I don't think you'll find a relationship.
You seem to thrive in victim hood and negativity.
I don't think a thread has ever frustrated me more.

And your partner is ok with never ever being alone with you? Never going out anywhere without your kids coming?

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Original poster

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 16:07

angeltulips · 04/05/2023 15:02

So why can’t your ex come round once a week?

Because he only gives me about 2 days notice that he is coming he never gives set days and he doesn't see them on set days he sees them when he can

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IBlinkThereforeIAm · 04/05/2023 16:10

So tell him that from now on it will need to be a regular contact schedule and agree set days.

Watchkeys · 04/05/2023 16:10

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 16:07

Because he only gives me about 2 days notice that he is coming he never gives set days and he doesn't see them on set days he sees them when he can

Show quote history

What's he prioritising over giving you adequate notice?

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 04/05/2023 16:12

Every other weekend is good. I don't get that I get no weekends

Multiple solutions have been suggested to you to free up time at the weekends for yourself and you have refused every single one. That's your choice. But then don't complain that you get no time time yourself, when you're refusing to do any of the things that could facilitate that.

Fifi0 · 04/05/2023 16:14

I think marriages have peaks and troughs. I fall in and out of love multiple times with DH he's probably the same. I have considered divorce a few times when we hit a rough patch but then things get better again. Quite a few people throw in the towel easily, people seem to go from relationship to relationship having DC with different people. Very messy.

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 04/05/2023 16:15

Fifi0 · 04/05/2023 16:14

I think marriages have peaks and troughs. I fall in and out of love multiple times with DH he's probably the same. I have considered divorce a few times when we hit a rough patch but then things get better again. Quite a few people throw in the towel easily, people seem to go from relationship to relationship having DC with different people. Very messy.

What has this got to do with this thread, though?

Original poster

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 16:16

Fifi0 · 04/05/2023 16:14

I think marriages have peaks and troughs. I fall in and out of love multiple times with DH he's probably the same. I have considered divorce a few times when we hit a rough patch but then things get better again. Quite a few people throw in the towel easily, people seem to go from relationship to relationship having DC with different people. Very messy.

Thank you I agree.

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