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Original poster

Staying together till kids have grown up?

394 replies

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 16:10

Has anyone decided to stay in a relationship for their children until they have grown up and moved out? With all the things in the news about mums new partners and “step fathers” I would personally never want to bring a man into my children’s lives/ a step father, I know not all are bad but I personally don’t want to take the risk. I know I will get told you can be happy alone but I don’t want to be alone and I want to share my life with someone. I’m perfectly happy on my own and have been for several years but I was thinking of the possibility of trying again with my ex, we didn’t break up for anything major no cheating or dv. I know you can be happy alone but it’s like single mums are expected to stay alone once Their relationship ends and some of us would like company and someone to share life with which is not the same as having friends they have their own lives and relationships. Is anyone staying in a relationship till their kids have grown up? (Please don’t tell me to be happy on my own great for you if you are happy to be single and don’t want a partner then this thread isn’t for you)

OP posts:
IBlinkThereforeIAm · 04/05/2023 12:58

No one has answered if they would be happy to date a single father they can only see during school hours and never have any time alone with them and only go over to their house when there kids are in bed. Because they wouldn’t, please show me the men who are queuing up to date a single mum that they can never be alone with and can only come round when her kids are in bed? I don’t Even get any alone time if I had an emergency never mind to date!

I've answered this. Many men post-divorce also have no desire to ever co-habit or remarry or rush a new relationship so are happy to meet once every week or two at first. You can take things slowly. It's normal. You do the things I've suggested to make it feasible for you to go out some evenings. You can also see each other at weekends while kids are busy with playdates/ clubs/ sleepovers/ parties. You can build up all of this stuff slowly: a support network, childcare, finances to facilitate, it you wish. You have decided it's impossible when self-evidently it isn't because many people do it.

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 04/05/2023 12:59

My children do come first which is why I haven’t thought to hell with it I will just date and introduce them straight away, many do!

FGS. You can date without introducing them straight away. Or at all!!

This is like bashing my head on a wall.

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 04/05/2023 12:59

Again tell me how if I can’t afford sitters have no family and their father doesn’t have them?

I've given very detailed answers to this with multiple suggestions earlier in the thread.

Watchkeys · 04/05/2023 13:00

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 04/05/2023 12:52

I absolutely hate these excuses. I was raised in an extremely abusive environment. I am an excellent mother. My children always have and always will come first. People always have a choice in how they behave. Please don't stereotype like this, it's extremely damaging to those of us who survived such childhoods and, if anything, are even more loving to and protective of our children as a result.

Show quote history

I was raised in an abusive environment too, but I clearly have a little more empathy than you do towards the fact that different people deal with things in different ways, and that one person's upbringing doesn't equal another person's upbringing.

If you think it's realistic to say that however you're raised, you should still be expected to know how to be a great parent, best of luck to you. Your kids are lucky. OP's need a bit more support, via support of their mother. It's not about excuses; it's about helping OP to recognise what's going on, in order that she can learn to behave differently.

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 04/05/2023 13:00

He wasn’t a rubbish father when we was together.

He walked out on his family when your youngest child was a baby. If you don't define that as being a rubbish father then you really need to raise the bar.

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 13:00

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 04/05/2023 12:58

No one has answered if they would be happy to date a single father they can only see during school hours and never have any time alone with them and only go over to their house when there kids are in bed. Because they wouldn’t, please show me the men who are queuing up to date a single mum that they can never be alone with and can only come round when her kids are in bed? I don’t Even get any alone time if I had an emergency never mind to date!

I've answered this. Many men post-divorce also have no desire to ever co-habit or remarry or rush a new relationship so are happy to meet once every week or two at first. You can take things slowly. It's normal. You do the things I've suggested to make it feasible for you to go out some evenings. You can also see each other at weekends while kids are busy with playdates/ clubs/ sleepovers/ parties. You can build up all of this stuff slowly: a support network, childcare, finances to facilitate, it you wish. You have decided it's impossible when self-evidently it isn't because many people do it.

My kids don’t go to sleepovers and never have. I don’t do the school run so no parents invite them for play dates, now they are older parties have dried up only the youngest gets invited now my older kids are too old for “play dates”

OP posts:
angeltulips · 04/05/2023 13:00

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 12:56

He wasn’t a rubbish father when we was together.

Show quote history

But that was 5 years ago! He has no relationship with your youngest - he’s basically a strange man to her.

why did he leave?

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 13:05

I don’t think people understand that I am never NOT with my children?! They don’t go to sleepovers?! I work whilst they are at school I get a few hours here and there but that’s to do cleaning and run errands! I don’t know any of their friends parents well enough for sleep overs! They don’t do play dates now they are too old for them, I’m never on my own. I wouldn’t send my 5 year old on a sleepover with people I don’t know! Do you know what it’s like to be a lone parent with no family as it doesn’t sound like it? I am Never ever alone, my youngest gets invited to parties but I still accompany her as she’s only 5 and I don’t know the parents well, my older kids don’t get invited to parties, parties stopped after year 1/2 they are with me every single day I have never had a night alone in 5 years.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 04/05/2023 13:06

So when someone becomes a single parent they should date again because it’s best for their children if they do? No it isn’t. Well in an ideal world we would all stay single if relationships fail but how many people are happy to spend 18 years single? Not many hence why so many women do go on to meet new partners but it’s not what’s best for their children and they are not doing it for that reason but for themselves, so maybe all single mums who meet someone new are selfish

@ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt

This is logic-free. You are basing everything on the faulty foundation that mum having a new relationship after she breaks up with dad is bad for the children. This is the faultline in your thinking. Have a new relationship if you want. Make sure it's a healthy relationship before you involve the children. There's no requirement to stay single, there's no requirement to involve the kids, there' no need to assume that meeting your kids' needs means not meeting your own.

MayThe4th · 04/05/2023 13:07

My children do come first which is why I haven’t thought to hell with it I will just date and introduce them straight away, many do! you’re not putting your children first by moving their deadbeat father who has no relationship with them and who is likely to leave again into their home.

If you don’t want to date, and let’s be clear, you don’t want to, because you do have options, you’re just choosing not to use them, then yes, putting your children first means staying single. You’re not even putting yourself first if you move this waster back in.

If you’re that desperate for sex buy a vibrator.

monsteramunch · 04/05/2023 13:08

He's done no school pick ups, no overnights, no weekends, no holidays, has inconsistent contact with no set days, hasn’t ever spent a single night with them solo and (quoting you) has said "He isn't happy to change his living situation and he said he would never move closer” despite the fact you say they would like to see him more.

Do you honestly think that moving him into their home is best for your children?

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 13:11

Do people on here honestly think I get nights to myself? My kids have never been on a sleepover, when you don’t know the parents as you never see them on the school run your kids don’t go to sleep overs that’s not a thing. Parties I stay as I don’t know the parents and my 5 year old would not be happy to be left at a party alone and I imagine they will stop when she goes into year 2 like it did with the other kids.

OP posts:
IBlinkThereforeIAm · 04/05/2023 13:15

I was raised in an abusive environment too, but I clearly have a little more empathy than you do towards the fact that different people deal with things in different ways, and that one person's upbringing doesn't equal another person's upbringing.

If you think it's realistic to say that however you're raised, you should still be expected to know how to be a great parent, best of luck to you. Your kids are lucky. OP's need a bit more support, via support of their mother. It's not about excuses; it's about helping OP to recognise what's going on, in order that she can learn to behave differently.

No, I think people need to take responsibility for their decisions though, not blame their childhoods. My empathy is for the children, not the adults who could decide to seek help and learn how to be decent parents if they are struggling.

Res_Ipsa · 04/05/2023 13:18

My parents did this. Stayed together in a loveless relationship 'for the sake of the kids'. I've grown up and really resent both of them for it. All of my siblings do.

It really fucks you up. I wish I had grown up with one parent than both of them together like that. Two parents are not automatically better than one.

But it sounds like you have made up your mind rather than wanting people's experiences.

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 04/05/2023 13:20

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 13:05

I don’t think people understand that I am never NOT with my children?! They don’t go to sleepovers?! I work whilst they are at school I get a few hours here and there but that’s to do cleaning and run errands! I don’t know any of their friends parents well enough for sleep overs! They don’t do play dates now they are too old for them, I’m never on my own. I wouldn’t send my 5 year old on a sleepover with people I don’t know! Do you know what it’s like to be a lone parent with no family as it doesn’t sound like it? I am Never ever alone, my youngest gets invited to parties but I still accompany her as she’s only 5 and I don’t know the parents well, my older kids don’t get invited to parties, parties stopped after year 1/2 they are with me every single day I have never had a night alone in 5 years.

I am a lone parent and have been since my children were babies and ex-H left. I've never had any family help. I work full time. Yes I am usually always working or with them. Hence all of my many suggestions to you about how you can make more friends, get to know other parents, focus on career to increase earnings so childcare is more affordable, ways to potentially find more affordable childcare, etc.

TrishTrix · 04/05/2023 13:26

My parents stayed together for the children.

It was shit and has done lasting harm. 2 out of 3 children are long term single and uninterested in a relationship due to the difficulties we witnessed at home.

None of us have children.

There are worse things in life than being single or having a non-resident partner until your children leave home.

monsteramunch · 04/05/2023 13:26

Again OP, any thoughts on the below?

He's done no school pick ups, no overnights, no weekends, no holidays, has inconsistent contact with no set days, hasn’t ever spent a single night with them solo and (quoting you) has said "He isn't happy to change his living situation and he said he would never move closer” despite the fact you say they would like to see him more.

Direct question that should have a yes or no answer - based on those facts, do you honestly think that moving him into their home is best for your children?

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 13:27

monsteramunch · 04/05/2023 13:26

Again OP, any thoughts on the below?

He's done no school pick ups, no overnights, no weekends, no holidays, has inconsistent contact with no set days, hasn’t ever spent a single night with them solo and (quoting you) has said "He isn't happy to change his living situation and he said he would never move closer” despite the fact you say they would like to see him more.

Direct question that should have a yes or no answer - based on those facts, do you honestly think that moving him into their home is best for your children?

Yes

OP posts:
IBlinkThereforeIAm · 04/05/2023 13:28

Why?!?

monsteramunch · 04/05/2023 13:32

I'm baffled as to how you can read that description of your ex, all from your own words, and say it's best for your children that such a disengaged, disinterested father moves back in.

Unbelievable.

Even more baffled you could plan to date and shag such a poor excuse for a father tbh. Shagging a man who has let your children down so much and rejected them saying he would never move closer? Christ.

IHeartGeneHunt · 04/05/2023 13:39

I think you just want him there to look after them for free while you go out. I could of course be wrong.
It fucks children up when they see their parents hate each other.
It fucks children up when they know it's their fault ("I stay because of the children" sounds like "it is the children's fault" to a child)
It fucks children up when they have no idea what a proper loving relationship is.
It fucks children up when they know their parents don't want to be there. He doesn't, or he wouldn't have left.

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 13:43

IHeartGeneHunt · 04/05/2023 13:39

I think you just want him there to look after them for free while you go out. I could of course be wrong.
It fucks children up when they see their parents hate each other.
It fucks children up when they know it's their fault ("I stay because of the children" sounds like "it is the children's fault" to a child)
It fucks children up when they have no idea what a proper loving relationship is.
It fucks children up when they know their parents don't want to be there. He doesn't, or he wouldn't have left.

So if children grow up to a single mum who never has a relationship does that also fuck them up? As either way they will be growing up without seeing what a loving relationship is like?

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 04/05/2023 13:46

You seem completely fixated on only considering worst case scenarios.

The options aren't them witnessing a single mum and it fucking them up or witnessing an unhealthy, unhappy, frankly bizarre relationship with your ex.

You could offer them wildcard option three - can a single mum who is happy, healthy and secure in herself. You could work towards being that role model for them.

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 13:51

And I’ve been single for 5 years to concentrate on them whilst I’ve watched other single mums have 2/3 relationships in this time, it might be normal on MN but I don’t know any single mums irl who have been single for as long as me, all were dating within a year or 2 of the split but they have better exes than me ones who take the kids regularly so they have time to date and not involve their kids. They actually think it’s odd I’ve been single for so long! They make constant comments even my mum tells me why haven’t you met anyone but she won’t have my children for me to 😂 They get weekend breaks, half the holidays you name it. Sorry but I’m not going to use the hour or two I get whilst they are at school to date that’s for running errands and cleaning and sorting things I don’t have free time I’m a busy mum. If I got weekends off I wouldn’t be here posting, I’ve waited a long time in hope my ex would take them overnight but it’s been 5 years. I’ve discussed it with him but he doesn’t like where I live so won’t move here, I would move closer to him but I’m not in the position to move.

OP posts:
IHeartGeneHunt · 04/05/2023 13:56

No. I wish my mother hadn't been so desperate for a man and had showed us that you can actually be perfectly happy without.
I'm single, have been since my daughter's father left when I was pregnant in 2018. My daughter sees me have friends, sees me go out with them, have a normal social life, and when she's older I'll start dating. I've got cracking self esteem though.