Staying together till kids have grown up?

[ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt]

Has anyone decided to stay in a relationship for their children until they have grown up and moved out? With all the things in the news about mums new partners and “step fathers” I would personally never want to bring a man into my children’s lives/ a step father, I know not all are bad but I personally don’t want to take the risk. I know I will get told you can be happy alone but I don’t want to be alone and I want to share my life with someone. I’m perfectly happy on my own and have been for several years but I was thinking of the possibility of trying again with my ex, we didn’t break up for anything major no cheating or dv. I know you can be happy alone but it’s like single mums are expected to stay alone once Their relationship ends and some of us would like company and someone to share life with which is not the same as having friends they have their own lives and relationships. Is anyone staying in a relationship till their kids have grown up? (Please don’t tell me to be happy on my own great for you if you are happy to be single and don’t want a partner then this thread isn’t for you)

So on top of everything else already making it a horrible idea, living with him in future would mean you and the kids leaving your home to move to his preferred location, so he doesn't have to change area?

Wow.

He doesn't give a shit about your kids.

I'm out, good luck.

I dont Like where i live in fact i hate it here. I would happily move but I can’t, I moved to where I am as when we split up when I had my youngest my mum made all sorts of promises about how much she would help me “more than ever” so I moved to be closer to her and she has never once helped me in any way. So no not for him I would never have moved here if I knew she was chatting rubbish.

My kids don’t go to sleepovers and never have. I don’t do the school run so no parents invite them for play dates, now they are older parties have dried up only the youngest gets invited now my older kids are too old for “play dates”

You didn't say how old they are. Presumably they have friends who they visit themselves then, if too old for playdates? Or clubs or hobbies they do where they don't need you to chaperone them and hang around? You can join a gym with classes for kids that they go to while you get some time alone, you can use meetup to meet other single parents, I don't understand how you could know literally no other parents with your kids having been to school? I rarely do school runs either because I'm working but you meet other parents at school events or activities and through the school whatsapp groups etc etc.

I get the impression that you are very negative, you make excuses not to try any of the myriad of things people have suggested and you seem to think the solution to all your problems is a man. Whether that was your awful ex or another one, it would undoubted end in tears if you found a relationship without sorting yourself out first, getting out of this incredibly negative mindset and build a life for yourself. What kind of relationship do you think you'd have with anybody when you're so unhappy and refuse every option to make your situation better? If you think a man is the answer to that you are deluding yourself.

What are you doing for work? Focus on that, work for career progression, get some financial stability then funding childcare for more time for yourself or with friends will not be such a problem, make an effort to connect with more people and build some friendships.

Starting any kind of relationship when you're so clearly unhappy with yourself and your own life and have such poor boundaries you think it would be a good idea to move in with a man who walked out on you and your children and doesn't bother with them as it is, would be a disaster.

I don't know why you won't listen when pretty much every poster has told you it's a terrible idea.

No, we get babysitters.

This "I don't know any, I'll have to pay a professional" is ridiculous.

You think we're all best friends with ten babysitters? You look on local Facebook recommendations. You interview a few. We met with 3, then found the one we liked. They come to you and have a cup of tea and you chat, you get to form an opinion on them, you get references, then yes, you pay them!

Seriously, you'll find any excuse to move your ex who is living in a one room squat and likes the idea of your free house again loves you, back in, won't you.

You sound ridiculous OP.

Our school doesn’t have whatsapp

Babysitters from Facebook? No thanks!

It sounds like you need better friends. Exactly the type of people I was talking about previously, jumping from relationship to relationship, 2 or 3 in a couple of years! Desperate for a man to fix their issues. 🙄 This is not something to attempt to emulate or to feel jealous of. It's sad and shows a huge lack of self-esteem and independence.

Stop comparing yourself to others and focus on your life and what you can do to improve it.

Childcare.com.

Word of mouth.

Local nurserys, their staff often do babysitting in the evenings, and hold many childcare qualifications.

I revert back to the comments of previous PP, I can not believe anyone can actually be this stupid.

Yep. All suggestions I made to OP already @InceyWinceySpidy .

Totally weird. She's convinced herself she can't do anything so won't even try. And thinks a man will be the solution and fix her life. 🤦🏻‍♀️

That’s where I looked, I posted last night about it and an evening for a babysitter would be £80 minimum. I didn’t say loads of people know babysitters I follow threads on here about it and I can see many use a local teen like a neighbours teen not a professional charging £20 an hour most will use a teen and pay half that.

Babysitters from Facebook? No thanks!

FGS! There are facebook groups where you can find qualified nannies and childminders, many of whom will do babysitting, who come with DBS checks and references.

Yes most of them are man mad and have new boyfriends constantly but they do that as their kids are not involved.

I wouldn’t touch a random from Facebook no chance if I was looking for a babysitter it would be on a proper website where they want £20 an hour and minimum of 4/5 hours, I’ve checked. £80 for an evening out is not affordable and that’s without dinner / drinks. I would not hire a babysitter from Facebook.

I found my highly qualified Norland nanny on Facebook & often find trusted babysitters. It is a completely standard way of finding childcare - recommendations from local mums.

anyway it’s pretty clear you’ve decided to move in - or rather move out to be nearer (so your kids will have to move schools too, more disruption for them) your wastrel shit dad ex so go ahead and do it. It’s baffling as to what you wanted from this thread.

We all have our own preferences I don’t know anyone who would hire a babysitter from Facebook people I know only use their family/ friends. I’m not leaving my children with someone I found on Facebook.

Obviously childcare.co.uk will be more expensive than sourcing someone directly from your child's nursery that they left last year, or a friend's teenager, or going directly through a fb group where nannies/ CMs look for work.

Nobody's talking about leaving your children with a random person you haven't met.

Yes, childcare costs money. It's not prohibitive though is it, if you really want to date. And if it is then focus first on sorting out your financial situation as you'd not be able to afford dates or fun activities with someone anyway, childcare or not! What are you doing about your career? You say you have significant debts, have you sought help for that and got a plan in place to clear them?

You need to take some responsibility for your life. There's no point being bitter about everything, look at what you can do to improve things. Then do that. Clue: it's not expecting a man to make you happy.

My parents stayed together far longer than they should have done. I have no idea how to have a decent relationship, it totally screwed me up tbh!

Why is leaving them with someone you found on a platform (Facebook) any different from a platform (childcare)? Your kids aren’t babies. You are being properly ridiculous.

and btw - why can’t your ex come around and “babysit” one night a week? If you’re happy to move back in with him surely he can be in your home one night a week?

Didn’t realise only babies get abused. Who cares how old they are? If I was hiring a professional for any job I wouldn’t find them on Facebook.

I wouldn’t touch a random from Facebook no chance if I was looking for a babysitter it would be on a proper website where they want £20 an hour and minimum of 4/5 hours, I’ve checked. £80 for an evening out is not affordable and that’s without dinner / drinks. I would not hire a babysitter from Facebook.

Most nannies go through fb groups or similar mow to find work (or word of mouth) because it's cheaper than paying agency fees. The people on these groups ARE qualified and will come for an interview, provide evidence of qualifications, DBS checks and references.

You are just making excuses. It's ridiculous.

So why can’t your ex come round once a week?

I’ve said I don’t want to use babysitters I don’t need an “excuse” where ever I find them I can’t afford one often enough to enable me to date so it’s a pointless suggesting anyway. I can’t afford regular paid for babysitters you don’t no my financial situation. I’ve said I can’t afford it so leave it be. My friends don’t have to spend £100 a night for a babysitter 🤷🏻‍♀️ even if I had the money I couldn’t justify that I would rather spend it on my kids!

I’ve replied on this thread a few times as a single parent trying to offer advice or ideas, but the OP has expressed no enthusiasm, curiosity, interest or thanks for anyone’s suggestions, so I’m out.

If I had a spare £100 a week I wouldn’t be wasting it on men it would be going on a holiday for my children not men that aren’t actually worth it 🤷🏻‍♀️ who spends £100 so they can go on a date? No one,
people use family or friends if that’s available or stay single no one is throwing a £100 away so they can go on a date.

So why can’t your ex come round once a week?