Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband doesn't want to go on holiday with my family

242 replies

Domino90 · 29/04/2023 14:54

My husband is reluctant to agree to coming on a holiday with my side of the family (my parents, siblings and their families).

It would be totally paid for by my parents, and would be 5 days over a weekend (meaning we'd both have to take around 3 days of annual leave). My husband has 25 days of annual leave each year.

I've told him it's important to me that we both go, because it's a time for him to get to know my family better in a relaxed way.

We were given lots of notice about the dates.

He gets on well with my siblings when he sees them, and he says he likes my family

He is reluctant to go though, and won't commit to asking for the time off. He sighs when I mention it.

This makes me sad, because my family is important. I also feel he should agree, and just go along with it (even though he may rather be doing something else). Am I being reasonable?

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 30/04/2023 20:53

Mirabai · 30/04/2023 20:42

I don’t care whether he wants to do it or not. As adults we all have to do things we don’t want to. He can do one holiday, get to know the family, if he’s really that rude/antisocial/gauche/can’t cope - at least he’s done it once.

Show quote history

as adults we have a lot of rights to not do things we dont want to - especially for a week

FictionalCharacter · 30/04/2023 20:55

Mirabai · 30/04/2023 17:25

OP says he doesn’t know her family that well. Now is his chance to get to know them. He doesn’t have to do it again.

Show quote history

It’s one way of getting to know them yes, but there are other ways which don’t involve going on a holiday with a big group of them which he doesn’t want.
I like my in-laws but a 5 day holiday with them as a big group would have been a nightmare for me. Especially with the after dinner games <shudder>

FictionalCharacter · 30/04/2023 20:56

PaintedEgg · 30/04/2023 20:41

i think this thread nicely illustrates different attitudes - for some people this is nothing while others would probably end up committing serious crimes in similar scenario

and thats ok, people are different - and its absolutely ok to like people and not want to spend 5 days playing games with them

Spot on.

NerrSnerr · 30/04/2023 21:04

I used to go on holiday with my family and my in-laws. It was lovely when we finally realised that we could actually say no and we didn't have to put up with it to please others. My husband is free to go away with his parents (or even mine if he really wanted to) but for me it is hell so I won't.

It you love family holidays then knock yourself out but others don't need to.

Mirabai · 30/04/2023 21:07

FictionalCharacter · 30/04/2023 20:55

It’s one way of getting to know them yes, but there are other ways which don’t involve going on a holiday with a big group of them which he doesn’t want.
I like my in-laws but a 5 day holiday with them as a big group would have been a nightmare for me. Especially with the after dinner games <shudder>

Show quote history

No-one died from an after dinner game. You might even enjoy it.

PaintedEgg · 30/04/2023 21:08

Mirabai · 30/04/2023 21:07

No-one died from an after dinner game. You might even enjoy it.

Show quote history

well there is first time for everything and if someone forced me to do it 5 days in a row there would be casualties

FictionalCharacter · 30/04/2023 21:09

Mirabai · 30/04/2023 21:07

No-one died from an after dinner game. You might even enjoy it.

Show quote history

No-one died because a guest didn’t want to participate in their after dinner games. And no I don’t enjoy them, and yes I have participated in them many times over many years. I just dislike them.

Abacusporttaco · 30/04/2023 21:09

Mirabai · 30/04/2023 21:07

No-one died from an after dinner game. You might even enjoy it.

Show quote history

I don’t know, for years I was too polite to tell my pushy inlaws I really did not want to fucking play their family card games when they railed against my initial polite decline, and I felt so murderous it was fortunate no one died.

Now I am what my husband calls, ‘embarrassingly honest’. 😌

PaintedEgg · 30/04/2023 21:22

i am curious what a compromise would look like according to those who propose it

for example for me it would be "fine, i go but i get to do my own thing too and i wont be forced to participate in games". Im willing to bet it would not be acceptable for most of those who see no issue forcing their spouse into wasting (yes, wasting) their annual leave on this sort of "holiday"

Mirabai · 30/04/2023 21:45

FictionalCharacter · 30/04/2023 21:09

No-one died because a guest didn’t want to participate in their after dinner games. And no I don’t enjoy them, and yes I have participated in them many times over many years. I just dislike them.

Show quote history

You brought it up. 🤷🏻‍♀️

SmallFerret · 30/04/2023 22:14

I don’t care whether he wants to do it or not.
Nailing your colours to the mast there @Mirabai
Dunno what impression you imagine you are conveying: perhaps you see your remark as forthright & robust. But it just comes over as intolerant & disrespectful of another adult's personal autonomy.

As adults we all have to do things we don’t want to.
Being manipulated into protracted social occasions we don't want to attend isn't something anybody HAS to do.

He can do one holiday, get to know the family,
He doesn't need a holiday to get to know them. They've all got the rest of their lives for that.

if he’s really that rude/antisocial/gauche/can’t cope -
OP herself has referenced no rudeness or gauchery. A preference not to join on a group inlaw holiday doesn't equate to any of that, you're just having a pop because you reckon husbands should do as they're told & follow popular convention. Maybe he's introverted, maybe he's shy, maybe he'd prefer to spend his leave on something else. It's his decision, not OP's.

at least he’s done it once.
Why does he need to do it at all?
So many PP on this thread acting as if husbands are luggage, or accessories to their wives.

Parky04 · 30/04/2023 22:27

Never went on holidays with my in laws. Why would I? My OH has also never been on holiday with my parents. Weird to think anyone would want to!

brunettemic · 30/04/2023 22:29

I can’t imagine anything worse than going on holiday with my in laws or making DH go on holiday with my family to be honest. YABU to expect him to do that whether he has 25 days of holidays or 250

Original poster
Domino90 · 30/04/2023 22:36

What's so terrible about games after dinner?! The ones we play - e.g. Articulate, Pictionary - aren't embarrassing, and it's only for about 40 mins anyway. If someone feels too tired and wants to go to bed instead, that's fine!

Yes I could go on the holiday alone. But I would like it if he was there, and my siblings' partners will be there so it would feel like he's missing.

If he feels like getting some alone-time, he can go to a local cafe and read a book. Or go for a run/hike alone.

I think that sometimes it's ok to spend some of your annual leave doing things that wouldn't be your first choice. It takes longer to get to his parents' than mine, so I sometimes need to take a day of annual leave when I go to see them.

About my family, he sometimes says 'they're not my family'. I disagree - now that we're married, they are now part of his family too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Domino90 · 30/04/2023 22:38

Haha yes he is!! 😂

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 30/04/2023 22:42

@Domino90 do you know why he doesn't want to go? it could be that in his eyes this all sounds awful (as it does for many of us, sorry! not everyone likes the same thing), or is it something more practical like needing that 5 days for something more interesting?

last year my in laws, whom I really like and I am looking forward to spending few days with them this year, invited us for holiday and we declined simply because we needed holiday allowance for other things.

GG1986 · 30/04/2023 22:44

Gettingbysomehow · 29/04/2023 15:02

I'd have left home if my ex husband had made me go on holiday with his parents. I couldn't possibly imagine anything worse.
I won't even go on holiday with my own parents.

This!!

Original poster
Domino90 · 30/04/2023 22:44

That's understandable if it's needed for other things. There isn't a reason why he doesn't want to go other than he doesn't much like the sound of it!

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 30/04/2023 22:46

Domino90 · 30/04/2023 22:44

That's understandable if it's needed for other things. There isn't a reason why he doesn't want to go other than he doesn't much like the sound of it!

and unfortunately this is enough of a reason - just look how many people find this idea dreadful. It somehow sounds both intensive and boring.

LightDrizzle · 30/04/2023 22:46

Yes I could go on the holiday alone. But I would like it if he was there, and my siblings' partners will be there so it would feel like he's missing.

Well that’s not a good enough reason for him to commit to spending Annual Leave and five days doing something he doesn’t want to do. Honestly, forcing this may nudge him towards antipathy towards your family whereas at the moment you say he likes them well enough, just not enough to want to holiday with them.

Go on your own and enjoy their company. Stop badgering him.

AnnaMagnani · 30/04/2023 22:47

Hell would freeze over before I went on a holiday with my ILs.

2 years is a short time into a marriage. I'm 10 years in and now think of them as my family. At 2 years I found them annoying baggage that had intruded on my life.

Even though they are my family now, I'd hate the idea of sharing a villa with all of them. Luckily for me, my DH feels the same.

SmallFerret · 30/04/2023 22:48

About my family, he sometimes says 'they're not my family'. I disagree - now that we're married, they are now part of his family too.
He's not debating legal facts, he's telling you how he feels.
Who are you to correct his feelings & tell him they're not valid?

It's no slur on your family, some people are simply less gregarious or instantly comfortable in big groups than others.

I think that sometimes it's ok to spend some of your annual leave doing things that wouldn't be your first choice.
How many times have you done that for him?
And I don't mean "not first choice", I mean "something you actively do not want to do for a week".

Yes I could go on the holiday alone. But I would like it if he was there, and my siblings' partners will be there so it would feel like he's missing.
Is this actually some kind of social status thing? That you would be the only one without a partner there, so you'd feel somehow 'lesser'? You'd have your family there. He's not a prop to make you feel whole.

WandaWonder · 30/04/2023 22:48

Domino90 · 30/04/2023 22:44

That's understandable if it's needed for other things. There isn't a reason why he doesn't want to go other than he doesn't much like the sound of it!

I don't think he is wrong, same if it was reversed i would say the same

SmallFerret · 30/04/2023 22:49

Domino90 · 30/04/2023 22:44

That's understandable if it's needed for other things. There isn't a reason why he doesn't want to go other than he doesn't much like the sound of it!

Why can't you simply respect that, like he is respecting your choice to go?

Onelifeonly · 30/04/2023 23:38

I do think your parents should have asked if you AND your DH wanted to join them on holiday. It's not clear whether they did - you only say you were given a choice of dates. As a daughter, a daughter in law, sister etc, I've always been asked if I'd like to go. Maybe that's the / an issue? Families should agree to these things, not have a three line whip. My sister and I were planning a family break just before the pandemic. Everyone agreed dates except my brother who didn't want to go at that time of year. He was also (rightly in hindsight) annoyed that his view on dates etc hadn't been asked for. In the event it was all cancelled due to the lockdown.