Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband doesn't want to go on holiday with my family

242 replies

Domino90 · 29/04/2023 14:54

My husband is reluctant to agree to coming on a holiday with my side of the family (my parents, siblings and their families).

It would be totally paid for by my parents, and would be 5 days over a weekend (meaning we'd both have to take around 3 days of annual leave). My husband has 25 days of annual leave each year.

I've told him it's important to me that we both go, because it's a time for him to get to know my family better in a relaxed way.

We were given lots of notice about the dates.

He gets on well with my siblings when he sees them, and he says he likes my family

He is reluctant to go though, and won't commit to asking for the time off. He sighs when I mention it.

This makes me sad, because my family is important. I also feel he should agree, and just go along with it (even though he may rather be doing something else). Am I being reasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Domino90 · 29/04/2023 22:55

Thanks all.

I had previously thought a holiday with in-laws was a normal thing to do. But maybe not. But isn't it possible to relax even though the wider family are around? You don't have to always do everything together.

For this holiday, the idea would be that each couple can go off and do their own thing during the day (though I guess that, in practice, you don't feel completely independent). It would be a big villa, so private bathrooms but shared kitchen. We would all eat together in the evening and play some games.

We have been married for under 2 years. So my husband hasn't spent that much time with my family yet.

I would also like to join the big Mumsnet group holiday! 😂

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 29/04/2023 23:14

YABU.

I like my in-laws, but I wouldn't want to go away with them for a weekend, let alone 5 days.

In truth, I wouldn't want to holiday with my own family for that long.
There's just too much compromising and it's just not relaxing.

snowlady4 · 29/04/2023 23:27

gerbilcrocus · 29/04/2023 19:11

You wouldn't want to go away on holiday for 5 days with your own family? And this reply doesn't at all out of seem out of kilter with most of the replies?

Fuck me, I think MN should be renamed "Misanthropes Net"

Show quote history

Nope... only certain people I would want to spend holidays with. Holidays are a time for indulgence and to get away from it all- would not want to go with my brothers, sisters or my in laws. We like different things for a holiday anyway so doubt it would suit any of us. We see eachother plenty throughout the year, no bad blood!
I'm not a misanthrope (yes, I had to google that,) just I like what I like and so do my family. Not all families are the same/enjoy the same things.

FictionalCharacter · 29/04/2023 23:36

Domino90 · 29/04/2023 22:55

Thanks all.

I had previously thought a holiday with in-laws was a normal thing to do. But maybe not. But isn't it possible to relax even though the wider family are around? You don't have to always do everything together.

For this holiday, the idea would be that each couple can go off and do their own thing during the day (though I guess that, in practice, you don't feel completely independent). It would be a big villa, so private bathrooms but shared kitchen. We would all eat together in the evening and play some games.

We have been married for under 2 years. So my husband hasn't spent that much time with my family yet.

I would also like to join the big Mumsnet group holiday! 😂

Families obviously vary but for me, no I would not be able to fully relax on a holiday with my in-laws. Especially a big group that includes your siblings, their spouses and kids.
Eating together as a big group with them for 5 evenings would not be enjoyable, but I could get through it if was a one off. But the expectation to play games with them would have me running for the hills. I detest games, some people love them and some hate them, but feeling like the odd one out because DH’s family all want to play and I don’t do that would be deeply uncomfortable.

Abacusporttaco · 29/04/2023 23:43

For this holiday, the idea would be that each couple can go off and do their own thing during the day (though I guess that, in practice, you don't feel completely independent). It would be a big villa, so private bathrooms but shared kitchen. We would all eat together in the evening and play some games.

play some games…

Turning inlaw family hell, up to 11….

😂

I’m sociable, I don’t even mind my inlaws, but put everyone in a single rented dwelling for a week and those just-about-overlooked bad habits and overbearing tendencies come to the fore. And independence is an illusion on group inlaw holidays. So it’s a ‘no fucking way’ from me.

MintJulia · 29/04/2023 23:48

ZekeZeke · 29/04/2023 15:02

YABU
Go yourself? Leave your DH home.

this

Snugglemonkey · 30/04/2023 08:07

Domino90 · 29/04/2023 22:55

Thanks all.

I had previously thought a holiday with in-laws was a normal thing to do. But maybe not. But isn't it possible to relax even though the wider family are around? You don't have to always do everything together.

For this holiday, the idea would be that each couple can go off and do their own thing during the day (though I guess that, in practice, you don't feel completely independent). It would be a big villa, so private bathrooms but shared kitchen. We would all eat together in the evening and play some games.

We have been married for under 2 years. So my husband hasn't spent that much time with my family yet.

I would also like to join the big Mumsnet group holiday! 😂

Definitely not in a villa. I would want my own space to relax in. Definitely not that length of time. I would potentially stay overnight. One night. I would be itching to get home though. Been together 11 years, they are nice people, but I would never do this.

Bs0u416d · 30/04/2023 08:20

I'm quite shocked at this. We regularly weekend and holiday with our respective families. Thought it was normal. Seems quite sad really.

Tansytea · 30/04/2023 08:55

Bs0u416d · 30/04/2023 08:20

I'm quite shocked at this. We regularly weekend and holiday with our respective families. Thought it was normal. Seems quite sad really.

Nope. Why would it be normal? Not all of us have the budget for regular weekends, and when you are planning just a week away a year, surely you understand not everybody would want to spend it with in laws? Not holidaying with extended family is not sad!

bellac11 · 30/04/2023 09:00

Sounds like a nightmare, you wouldnt catch me going on such a holiday and I'd be pissed off if you kept badgering me for 'reasons' why I didnt want to go. I wouldnt want to spend all that time with a group of people, I wouldnt be able to relax and I simply just wouldnt want to, people are allowed to have likes and dislikes without there being a 'reason'.

Go without him

DemBonesDemBones · 30/04/2023 09:21

Do your family want to do a lot of things all together? My MIL is like this and will arrange things (often without asking if it's convenient) for all of us to do together, often involving nights away, and it's usually excruciating. She thinks everyone is very close but they all have a really weird surface level relationship where no one really knows anyone else so it's just hours of polite jokes and polite stilted conversation. It's all very polite. I find it absolutely exhausting, and have started opting out.

DemBonesDemBones · 30/04/2023 09:22

Oh god I've just read there will be games and feel even more sorry for the Husband!

AuntMarch · 30/04/2023 09:27

I'd be disappointed but on the flip side, I would hate to be pressured in to a holiday with extended in laws that I don't know very well (as suggested by saying it isn't chance to get to know them better). I'd want to know them very well already before I agreed to sharing a space for five days!

toomuchlaundry · 30/04/2023 09:33

Would you be happy to do this with your in-laws?

aSofaNearYou · 30/04/2023 09:53

Nope. Why would it be normal? Not all of us have the budget for regular weekends, and when you are planning just a week away a year, surely you understand not everybody would want to spend it with in laws? Not holidaying with extended family is not sad!

On the flip side, why would it not be normal? We've holidayed loads of times with my parents - largely because they have much more disposable income and are happy to pay. We've just come back from one. My parents always did it with their parents too, I have many happy memories of holidays as a child with my grandparents and aunts there.

I think it's fine to say it's normal to not do this, but let's not be biased. It's also normal to do it.

CurlewKate · 30/04/2023 10:25

Important to remember. This is 5 days. A long weekend really. He has 25 days holiday-this will use 3. It's what his wife wants. He should behave like an adult and get on with it. Can't bear sulky selfish men. Or women, for that matter!

WheelsUp · 30/04/2023 10:34

Bs0u416d · 30/04/2023 08:20

I'm quite shocked at this. We regularly weekend and holiday with our respective families. Thought it was normal. Seems quite sad really.

Maybe it's because everyone in your life gets along and has a similar idea to what holidays should be like and there's no issues with money or getting them off.
I know that there will be a bias because people on here are more likely to post about rubbish holidays but expectations often don't match. For example I've read plenty of posts where parents wish that someone else would wake up with their young kids at least once or that their sibling isn't parenting their child properly and being annoying.

gannett · 30/04/2023 10:45

I'm not against group holidays but there aren't too many people I'd willingly do it with. Selected friends in a villa or cottage and for no longer than a long weekend. Only friends who are both fairly chilled (not high-maintenance, micro-managing or needy about constant company) but also proper fun (up for late-night boozing, chat, maybe a bit of dancing).

In other words, I go on holiday to have the kind of break I want, and I only want to spend it with like-minded people.

My family and DP's family absolutely do not fall into that category and it'd be a hard no if he ever wanted me to do it (luckily he feels similarly).

We do a lot of things for each other that we don't necessarily want to do out of love, so that's not an issue. A five-day holiday that will be more like an endurance test is much too big a sacrifice to make.

gannett · 30/04/2023 10:46

AuntMarch · 30/04/2023 09:27

I'd be disappointed but on the flip side, I would hate to be pressured in to a holiday with extended in laws that I don't know very well (as suggested by saying it isn't chance to get to know them better). I'd want to know them very well already before I agreed to sharing a space for five days!

This is a very good point as well. Getting to know someone has to precede being cooping yourself up with them!

GoodNightsSleep · 30/04/2023 11:09

“We would all eat together in the evening and play some games.”

This sounds like a scene from The Crown when the Thatchers were invited to Balmoral and had to partake in the royals idea of parlour games. It looked an absolute nightmare. No one should feel obligated or coerced into this sort of thing, especially if they are not comfortable with big groups of people they hardly know and not into the “games” thing.

Crikeyalmighty · 30/04/2023 11:39

We sometimes invite our 83 year old FIL to join us as he's on his own now and still loves a holiday. No apartments, no cottages, he forks out and gets a nice room in a nice hotel - usually abroad..sometimes our 25 year old son (who lives independently) comes too.

It's worked out fine but I have to admit there are downsides, FIL gets annoyed that our son would happily lie in till 12. He is a bit 'so what's the plan, what's next' - almost wants a daily itinerary, which isn't very relaxing. Not really a beach or pool person. He is however not remotely tight- quite the opposite. To be honest I wouldn't choose it , but I enjoy making an old guy who has been good to us very happy and giving him good memories.

I would go on your own OP and just say it's bad time workwise for him. Don't force him or he won't be in the right mindset anyway and will be desparate to be proved right- coz he's a bloke!!

2chocolateoranges · 30/04/2023 11:54

YaBU.

Dh's family are mostly lovely but I don't want to go on holiday with them. Been there done it and wouldn't ever do it again. It's not my idea of fun. I want to go on holiday to spend time just our little family without having to please everyone else. Dh is so laid back and a bit of a people pleaser .

Dh has came on a long weekend with my mum and the kids before. He enjoyed it but I wouldn't force him or be upset if he didn't want to go. That's his choice.

UsingChangeofName · 30/04/2023 15:36

Tansytea · 30/04/2023 08:55

Nope. Why would it be normal? Not all of us have the budget for regular weekends, and when you are planning just a week away a year, surely you understand not everybody would want to spend it with in laws? Not holidaying with extended family is not sad!

Show quote history

I agree with @Tansytea

@Bs0u416d Why is it sad ?

I get on with my sister. As it happens, I spent the day with her yesterday, but on holiday, much like @Crikeyalmighty 's FiL, she wants to have the day fully planned, to know where they are going, to be up and out with the lark, and just be 'busy' the whole time.
We like to leave our watches and alarm clocks behind, get up when we wake up, eat when we are hungry, be a bit impulsive / make decisions when we see how we feel, sometime just sit on a beach and read, or people watch.
Neither is right, and neither is wrong, but we are not compatible to go on holiday with each other, however much we like, or love each other (and I love my BiL and dns too).

If there were a special birthday gathering or something, we'd go, and all make the most of it, but, as Tansytea says, if you are using limited Annual Leave, or limited budget on one holiday a year, then it should be spent doing whatever you like to do on holiday, not trying to fit in with other people who would like to do something different as then you all end up compromising and not really relaxing, or enjoying it as much as you can.

Luredbyapomegranate · 30/04/2023 15:45

Bs0u416d · 30/04/2023 08:20

I'm quite shocked at this. We regularly weekend and holiday with our respective families. Thought it was normal. Seems quite sad really.

Not liking group holidays isn’t sad, it’s just not liking group holidays.

It’s perfectly possible to love your extended family / be fond of your in laws and not want to holiday en masse. And that’s before games were mentioned (😳)

People like different kinds of holidays - this is not shocking.

OP you need to talk to your husband about what holidays he likes and work something out between you.

SmallFerret · 30/04/2023 15:46

This makes me sad, because my family is important. I also feel he should agree, and just go along with it (even though he may rather be doing something else). Am I being reasonable?

YABU
It's lovely your family is important to you, but no matter how well he gets on with them, 5 days away with them is a bigger ask than just attending one-off events.
Why can't you accept that of course your family is not as important to you as it is to him, & let this go?

He obviously relates to them fine when you do get together, he is obviously uncomfortable with you pressurising him, & yet you are persisting.
Just go, enjoy your holiday, & leave him to work/chill do whatever HE wants to do with his leisure. If you were posting about him pressurising you to go on an inlaw holiday you felt reluctant about, I & most PP would be urging you to exercise your autonomy & refuse to go. This is not the hill to die on. Couples benefit from solo time, let him have some, & enjoy your own.

Swipe left for the next trending thread