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Original poster

Husband doesn't want to go on holiday with my family

242 replies

Domino90 · 29/04/2023 14:54

My husband is reluctant to agree to coming on a holiday with my side of the family (my parents, siblings and their families).

It would be totally paid for by my parents, and would be 5 days over a weekend (meaning we'd both have to take around 3 days of annual leave). My husband has 25 days of annual leave each year.

I've told him it's important to me that we both go, because it's a time for him to get to know my family better in a relaxed way.

We were given lots of notice about the dates.

He gets on well with my siblings when he sees them, and he says he likes my family

He is reluctant to go though, and won't commit to asking for the time off. He sighs when I mention it.

This makes me sad, because my family is important. I also feel he should agree, and just go along with it (even though he may rather be doing something else). Am I being reasonable?

OP posts:
Mirabai · 30/04/2023 16:00

5 days is not that big an ask for a functioning, non-ill adult. 2 weeks would be a lot. 5 days he can suck it up.

Hbh17 · 30/04/2023 16:01

Well, not only would I have hated to go on holiday with my own or anyone else's family, but the thought of "playing some games" in the evening would just finish me off. Pretty much the last thing I would want to do on ANY holiday! Clearly the OP and her husband have very different ideas of what makes a good holiday.....

FictionalCharacter · 30/04/2023 16:12

Mirabai · 30/04/2023 16:00

5 days is not that big an ask for a functioning, non-ill adult. 2 weeks would be a lot. 5 days he can suck it up.

Why should the husband suck it up and do something his wife wants him to do, but he doesn’t want to? Why shouldn’t the OP suck it up, and go without him, which is what she doesn’t want but he does?
Surely it’s less of a hardship for OP to go on the holiday with her family that she’ll enjoy, but without her husband, than for him to be guilt tripped into going on a holiday he really doesn’t want to go on (with people he doesn’t want to be with).

readbooksdrinktea · 30/04/2023 16:31

FictionalCharacter · 30/04/2023 16:12

Why should the husband suck it up and do something his wife wants him to do, but he doesn’t want to? Why shouldn’t the OP suck it up, and go without him, which is what she doesn’t want but he does?
Surely it’s less of a hardship for OP to go on the holiday with her family that she’ll enjoy, but without her husband, than for him to be guilt tripped into going on a holiday he really doesn’t want to go on (with people he doesn’t want to be with).

Show quote history

Agree. Why would you want to drag someone on a holiday they don't want to be on anyway? Surely that won't help the in-law relationship.

UsingChangeofName · 30/04/2023 16:32

5 days is not that big an ask for a functioning, non-ill adult. 2 weeks would be a lot. 5 days he can suck it up.

It is if you only have 25 days AL a year...... and I suspect, for a family that want to go on holiday together as an extended family, there would be quite a few other days that they will spend together too.

aSofaNearYou · 30/04/2023 16:32

Why should the husband suck it up and do something his wife wants him to do, but he doesn’t want to? Why shouldn’t the OP suck it up, and go without him, which is what she doesn’t want but he does?
Surely it’s less of a hardship for OP to go on the holiday with her family that she’ll enjoy, but without her husband, than for him to be guilt tripped into going on a holiday he really doesn’t want to go on (with people he doesn’t want to be with).

Neither is inherently more unreasonable than the other. Either could compromise, depending on strength of feeling.

Many people really crave the feeling that their spouse is a part of their family, they don't want the relationships to be separate. He doesn't HAVE to care that that's how she feels, but it's not like she would be just as happy going alone. Both are potentially facing something that isn't what they want. Either could be the one to let go of what they want for the sake of the other.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 30/04/2023 16:39

I don't ever want to go on holiday with my parents and siblings again, it was awful.

Just me and my lot is plenty.

Mirabai · 30/04/2023 17:25

FictionalCharacter · 30/04/2023 16:12

Why should the husband suck it up and do something his wife wants him to do, but he doesn’t want to? Why shouldn’t the OP suck it up, and go without him, which is what she doesn’t want but he does?
Surely it’s less of a hardship for OP to go on the holiday with her family that she’ll enjoy, but without her husband, than for him to be guilt tripped into going on a holiday he really doesn’t want to go on (with people he doesn’t want to be with).

Show quote history

OP says he doesn’t know her family that well. Now is his chance to get to know them. He doesn’t have to do it again.

SwedishEdith · 30/04/2023 17:37

Mirabai · 30/04/2023 17:25

OP says he doesn’t know her family that well. Now is his chance to get to know them. He doesn’t have to do it again.

Show quote history

They're married though, not a new couple. So I'm wondering why he doesn't know her family as well as the OP would like. There may well be a reason.

PaintedEgg · 30/04/2023 17:46

People have different needs and preferences when it comes to spending time with extended family. My own parents proposed going on "family holiday" and I'd would rather pet a angry porcupine than do it.

it's all fine to "get to know each other" but would the family be, for example, ok with learning husband is an introvert and he will NOT enjoy their game nights? Would he be expected to be constantly in their company? Would it be ok for him to do his own thing? Would family do things he enjoy? Or is it going to be 5 days of sucking up?

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 30/04/2023 18:17

No YANBU....In the grand scheme of things 5 days is nothing and he should suck it up, I'd expect you to do the same

crosstalk · 30/04/2023 18:58

OP without being too outing, how big is this group? how many adults and kids (ages?)

How easy will it be for you and DH to go off on your own? I gather it's just one meal you need to be at, but who cooks and who cleans? who shops? do you have to have cars to get anywhere or is it town/city based? What are your parents expecting?

For many of us who've been on group holidays with nothing connecting (eg ramblers, swimmers etc) apart from family, it's a hard ask. Does your husband have a large family?

For all those of you who regularly travel with both families in groups and don't fall out, lucky you. In my neck of the woods it doesn't happen - half my family do it but they all live close to each other anyway. The other half tend to pick and choose.

3 days off a holiday allowance is mega if you want also to have something you can do as a pair/small family and are boxing and coxing to take care of school holidays.

Dillydollydingdong · 30/04/2023 19:03

It could all go horribly wrong, and probably will if he doesn't want to go in the first place.

SmallFerret · 30/04/2023 19:26

Mirabai · 30/04/2023 16:00

5 days is not that big an ask for a functioning, non-ill adult. 2 weeks would be a lot. 5 days he can suck it up.

Why does he have to suck anything up?

Your tone is so scolding & patronising,. What's OPs DH done to you? 😂

SmallFerret · 30/04/2023 19:29

aSofaNearYou · 30/04/2023 16:32

Why should the husband suck it up and do something his wife wants him to do, but he doesn’t want to? Why shouldn’t the OP suck it up, and go without him, which is what she doesn’t want but he does?
Surely it’s less of a hardship for OP to go on the holiday with her family that she’ll enjoy, but without her husband, than for him to be guilt tripped into going on a holiday he really doesn’t want to go on (with people he doesn’t want to be with).

Neither is inherently more unreasonable than the other. Either could compromise, depending on strength of feeling.

Many people really crave the feeling that their spouse is a part of their family, they don't want the relationships to be separate. He doesn't HAVE to care that that's how she feels, but it's not like she would be just as happy going alone. Both are potentially facing something that isn't what they want. Either could be the one to let go of what they want for the sake of the other.

What compromise is there between going & not going?

It's a binary choice, one of them will not get what they want.

OP will surely be happy on holiday with or with her DH. It's her family - she's close to them & will feel at home' & comfortable whether he's there or not.
The same can't be said for him.
I don't know why she's insisting on asking him to do something he's uncomfortable with.

SmallFerret · 30/04/2023 19:32

Mirabai · 30/04/2023 17:25

OP says he doesn’t know her family that well. Now is his chance to get to know them. He doesn’t have to do it again.

Show quote history

He will get to know them anyway, holiday or not.

If he goes on this holiday, there'll be even more pressure to go on the next one.

When you say "he doesn't have to do it again" you're acknowledging that he doesn't want to do this at all. So why do you think he has to?

WheelsUp · 30/04/2023 19:39

OP says he doesn’t know her family that well. Now is his chance to get to know them. He doesn’t have to do it again.
Has Op said that this is the only time he'll have to go. Saying yes to this makes it harder to decline next time. Op mentioned that h said he had a good time seeing the ILs and I'd imagine that she would say that if he agreed to 5 days last time, why not 7 or 10 days next time ?

5128gap · 30/04/2023 20:06

I don't think it would hurt your husband to spend 5 days of his year doing something free, in a nice location, with people he likes when it's really important to you. In most marriages people make far greater sacrifices for each other at some stage or another. It's not a lot to ask.

Wellhellother · 30/04/2023 20:14

I could not think of anything worse - and I'm sure DH would also say the same about holidaying with my family

CurlewKate · 30/04/2023 20:14

"It could all go horribly wrong, and probably will if he doesn't want to go in the first place."

Just checking. He is a functioning adult-yes?

countrygirl99 · 30/04/2023 20:17

5 days with DHs siblings would probably see me serving a life sentence

rebbles1 · 30/04/2023 20:22

Yabu. I wouldn't go away with my husbands family and he won't go away with mine. For us, holidays are just about time to ourselves. Why not go without him, but I wouldn't expect him to use his annual leave to go away with your lot.

PaintedEgg · 30/04/2023 20:41

i think this thread nicely illustrates different attitudes - for some people this is nothing while others would probably end up committing serious crimes in similar scenario

and thats ok, people are different - and its absolutely ok to like people and not want to spend 5 days playing games with them

Mirabai · 30/04/2023 20:42

SmallFerret · 30/04/2023 19:32

He will get to know them anyway, holiday or not.

If he goes on this holiday, there'll be even more pressure to go on the next one.

When you say "he doesn't have to do it again" you're acknowledging that he doesn't want to do this at all. So why do you think he has to?

Show quote history

I don’t care whether he wants to do it or not. As adults we all have to do things we don’t want to. He can do one holiday, get to know the family, if he’s really that rude/antisocial/gauche/can’t cope - at least he’s done it once.

ConcernedCatmother · 30/04/2023 20:48

I’m sorry, but the fact your parents are paying for the whole thing too is just icky territory. Isn’t that emasculating for your husband?