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Original poster

Husband doesn't want to go on holiday with my family

242 replies

Domino90 · 29/04/2023 14:54

My husband is reluctant to agree to coming on a holiday with my side of the family (my parents, siblings and their families).

It would be totally paid for by my parents, and would be 5 days over a weekend (meaning we'd both have to take around 3 days of annual leave). My husband has 25 days of annual leave each year.

I've told him it's important to me that we both go, because it's a time for him to get to know my family better in a relaxed way.

We were given lots of notice about the dates.

He gets on well with my siblings when he sees them, and he says he likes my family

He is reluctant to go though, and won't commit to asking for the time off. He sighs when I mention it.

This makes me sad, because my family is important. I also feel he should agree, and just go along with it (even though he may rather be doing something else). Am I being reasonable?

OP posts:
Awrite · 29/04/2023 17:23

YABU

I say that as someone who has been on holiday with in-laws. Both sides (divorced parents).

If I didn't want to go, dh would never dream of pressuring me. Back off.

Soontobe60 · 29/04/2023 17:23

God id be hopeless! I cant even go away with my own family 😂

MeetMyCat · 29/04/2023 17:23

YABU!

hooveringknob · 29/04/2023 17:29

YABU.
That would be idea of hell.

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 29/04/2023 17:32

I sympathise with your DH as I’ve had endless “holidays” with my inlaws. I do think I need to do it for family harmony and my kids though. Don’t enjoy it but feel duty bound.

TreesandFish · 29/04/2023 17:38

Your husband is right. It sounds like an awful holiday and a waste of his annual leave. I would refuse to go as well

FictionalCharacter · 29/04/2023 17:39

YABU. I’d hate a holiday with a big group of in-laws, sounds like he feels the same way. It isn’t an opportunity for him to get to know them in a “relaxed way” if he doesn’t want to go - he won’t be relaxed.
Sounds like you’re pressuring him by saying how important it is to you, which makes it worse.

Purplecatshopaholic · 29/04/2023 17:45

Your family is important - to you. He gets on fine with them but doesn’t want to go on holiday with them. I would respect that and not push it. It would be my idea of hell too - I get on fine with partners family, but don’t want to go on holiday with them, or use up precious annual leave to do so either. Go with them yourself if you want to but don’t pressure him into it, it won’t be a positive experience for anyone if he goes under duress because you think it will magically be fine once you are all away together.

Whichnumbers · 29/04/2023 17:49

Your parents and siblings may well be important to you, but that doesn’t mean your dh should need to go on holiday with them for 5 days.

you go on the holiday & have a great time, but don’t force someone else, just because they are dear to you to have a holiday forced upon them

Skybluepinky · 29/04/2023 17:50

I don’t blame him, sounds like a nightmare waiting to happen.
If u think is a great idea u go, but don’t force him to go.

Rightnowstraightaway · 29/04/2023 17:53

I think it depends on the exact relationship he has with them and what the holiday plan is.

I've been on holiday with my in-laws and they are lovely people whose idea of a good holiday is very similar to mine. It's brilliant and I actively look forward to the next one.

I've been on a group holiday with a group (not family) that was simply too large. Everyone ended up splitting in to smaller groups because finding somewhere for everyone to eat etc was too difficult. Still nice, but I wouldn't go with such a big group again if I didn't have to. I'd go to make my DH happy though.

My friend grudgingly goes on holiday with ILs out of duty but they spend the whole time expecting her to juggle babies, cooking and itinerary plans for everyone whilst they sit back and relax, and also criticise her. She hates it. I don't blame her for avoiding it as much as she can.

If I'd had to holiday with my ex's family I'd have said no whatever the holiday set up was. They were vile and manipulative and actively undermined my relationship with their son and I'm happy I never have to see them again. Holidays would be out of the question, I could hardly tolerate an hour in their company.

CurlewKate · 29/04/2023 17:56

It's 5 days. He's a grown up. She wants to go. He should get over himself.

GoodChat · 29/04/2023 17:58

CurlewKate · 29/04/2023 17:56

It's 5 days. He's a grown up. She wants to go. He should get over himself.

She can go. He's not stopping her.

Xrays · 29/04/2023 18:00

There is no way I’d go if I was your dh. Absolutely hate having to spend time with in laws. To be fair dh is no contact with all of his which is perfect but I was married before and spending time with my mil and his side of the family was hell and I’d never do that again for someone. You can go on your own. Dh doesn’t need to spend time with them to that extent.

CurlewKate · 29/04/2023 18:24

@GoodChat. Sorry. Missed out the "him". "It's 5 days. He's a grown up. She wants to go. She wants him to go. He should get over himself."

pfftt · 29/04/2023 18:29

It would have to be a damn nice location for me to go! I like my IL family individually and in small doses. I find them overwhelming when all together. It's too much and I would feel exhausted.

Holly60 · 29/04/2023 18:34

maranella · 29/04/2023 15:17

Bear in mind with a question like this OP that MN is a weird place where people don't answer their door to people they know, hate it when friends or family that they like pop round unannounced.

IRL I don't know anyone who doesn't spend a long weekend (or longer) with their ILs at least semi-regularly. It's entirely normal (unlike a lot of the opinions you find on here!)

Thank goodness for you- I was starting to feel like I was in a weird parallel universe reading through these replies.

It's perfectly normal to go on holiday with a group of people. Very often that group is made up of families/in-laws.

We've been away many times with both my side and my DH's side of the family. It's always been lovely.

Your DH is being weird but I don't know what you can do about it. I'd just go yourself if he really insists on not coming. Maybe you could go for the whole time and he could join you for a weekend?

Holly60 · 29/04/2023 18:36

Abacusporttaco · 29/04/2023 15:27

Holidaying with another person’s family, especially the bloody inlaws, is all kinds of hell.

I'm sorry you don't like your in-laws, but this is such a sweeping comment. I love my in-laws and have been on holiday many times. Always loved it.

Not everyone has horrible in-laws (genuinely sorry you've been unlucky in this respect though)

CurlewKate · 29/04/2023 18:36

<pours tea for @Holly60 and @maranella and wonders if they fancy a weekend away somewhere>

ClaraThePigeon · 29/04/2023 18:37

It's perfectly normal to go on holiday with a group of people. Very often that group is made up of families/in-laws.

It's also perfectly normal not to. It isn't weird to dislike group holidays just as it isn't weird to like them. I don't know why so many people on MN struggle with the idea that others are not weird just because they don't like things that they love or do things differently.

Holly60 · 29/04/2023 18:40

CurlewKate · 29/04/2023 18:36

<pours tea for @Holly60 and @maranella and wonders if they fancy a weekend away somewhere>

Grin
maranella · 29/04/2023 18:41

CurlewKate · 29/04/2023 18:36

<pours tea for @Holly60 and @maranella and wonders if they fancy a weekend away somewhere>

Where shall we go? Grin

billy1966 · 29/04/2023 18:41

OP,
Only 5 days and he likes your family but won't do this for you?

I don't think thats great.

Are you planning a family?

If so, have a think.

If he refuses, definitely go yourself.

Is he someone who won't put himself out for anyone?

If he is, be very wary.

Two weeks I could understand his reluctance, but 5 days should be doable, perhaps not every year.

cptartapp · 29/04/2023 18:49

Will it be a one off or likely to set a precedent?
Parents paying makes it all sounds a bit like forcing everyone together and 'look how close we are' tbh. A bit enmeshed. You also run the risk of being beholden.
Not for me.

Mari9999 · 29/04/2023 18:51

@whumpthereitis
Because I know the people that I love , I try very hard not to impose things, situations, and people who they do not or would not enjoy upon them, and in return they try and do the same for me.

Things that are done out of love may involve going to a work social event that they would otherwise not choose to attend, sitting through a movie or ballet that I enjoy but they do not, going out for sushi because It is a favorite of mine . Out of love, I make similar concessions .

Asking someone to spend 5 days doing something that they are indicating a definite aversion to doing is imposing on their love and that takes it beyond the normal give and take of love.

He might have willingly taken her parents on a trip for which he was paying or had them visit in his home for 5 days or more, but those situations create a dynamic in which he has some control. The truth could be that he feels that he knows the ILS as well as he needs to , and the existing contact arrangement is sufficient.

What he should not be doing is attempting to prevent OP from going on this trip with her family. He should always respect and support her opportunity to spend time with her family, and she should do the same for him.

in my opinion love should not become a chain that binds us, but instead should be a key that frees us to be safe and confident in expressing our wants and needs without fear of censure or rejection. In this case , the OP has openly stated her request and the partner has freely stated his response. Perhaps, they can comprise by having the OP spend five days while her husband spends the weekend.

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