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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he embarrassed by me?

461 replies

Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 01:09

So.... Not sure what to think so after opinions please... I went out with my sister in law for drinks, my husband was out with his work colleagues, we saw them and wend over to say hi, I introduced myself to them,, he was so cross and didn't speak to me and told me to F off as I was embarrassing him... We've been married for 8 years and together for 10. I'm not sure how to even take this reaction, never experienced it with him before. Some of his colleagues didn't even know about me, am I being 'over sensitive' or should I be seeing some red flags...

OP posts:
NoTeaNoShade · 29/04/2023 03:09

This is actually awful, please make plans to leave, you deserve better.

Feliciacat · 29/04/2023 03:09

Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 02:59

His colleagues said I wasn't an embarrassment at all

I’m glad they said that. They’re right that you’re not an embarrassment.

Do you know what? They must be thinking he’s a twat. The fact that they told you you weren’t an embarrassment after he sad you were suggests they didn’t like his behaviour. Otherwise they’d have sided with him. It sounds like he’s a jerk just generally.

Feliciacat · 29/04/2023 03:10

*said not sad

Alcemeg · 29/04/2023 03:18

This is not the way to treat someone you hate, let alone someone you love.

If it was a joke, then maybe... But for him to be furious with you at home?

Don't waste any more of your time on this weirdo.

So sorry OP, you must be in shock. X

BadNomad · 29/04/2023 03:23

He's only embarrassed because he knows they all know now that he has a wife that he never talks about. He's embarrassed that his private life and his work life have crossed paths. He's blaming you for that embarrassment, but he only has himself to blame.

Matchymatchylemonscratchy · 29/04/2023 03:23

Well firstly he has humiliated himself in front of his colleagues and sister in law (so his whole family will probably hear about it)

Secondly I simply couldn’t stay with someone like that.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 29/04/2023 03:52

People at work don't know he is married - after 8 years!
Does he admit to having a 6-year old child?
Does he wear a wedding ring?
Does he have you or your child on his work contact list or his pension or insurance?
Has he ever taken family leave to care for his sick child or wife?
You should not be a secret - you need to find out what secrets he is keeping from you!

AnythingToSay · 29/04/2023 03:53

Is he on drugs?

QueenBitch666 · 29/04/2023 03:54

Do you really need to ask? 😳
He's a fucking turd

QueenBitch666 · 29/04/2023 03:57

AnythingToSay · 29/04/2023 03:53

Is he on drugs?

He sounds like a coke head

Topseyt123 · 29/04/2023 04:04

He sounds like an utter wanker. I know I wouldn't be able to come back from that.

He'd find himself needing somewhere else to live. What an arse!!

Marshatessa · 29/04/2023 04:06

Do you mean you sat with him and his friends for over one hour? Is that what he means by imposing?

were you drunk is that the embarrassment?

shocking behaviour from him

REignbow · 29/04/2023 04:08

Regardless if he was on drugs or drunk, who the hell does this?

Your wife comes over to say hi and you tell her to fuck off as you were embarrassing him in front of his colleagues and his own SIL!

He did this because he had been caught out in a lie to his work friends

He deflect/blame you and will keep on gaslighting you, I predict that he will use the silent treatment tomorrow until you fall into line and obviously apologise for coming over to say hi 🙄

Take control here @Anonymous881 get up in the morning take your dc and spend a few days staying at a friends/relatives. I’d even send SIL a message also.

He is twat.

REignbow · 29/04/2023 04:10

He will deflect/blame I should of said

Ginburee · 29/04/2023 04:13

This is awful, sending a big hug OP.

miraveille · 29/04/2023 04:22

At what point during the hour did he tell you to fuck off ?

GarlicGrace · 29/04/2023 04:58

miraveille · 29/04/2023 04:22

At what point during the hour did he tell you to fuck off ?

Are you and @Marshatessa digging for something to excuse this man, who's pretended to his colleagues that he's single? Good luck with trying to blame OP for that 🤨

HoppingPavlova · 29/04/2023 05:05

There is no way your DH speaking to you like that is acceptable, absolutely not.

I do find the whole scenario odd though. If I was out with colleagues and one of their spouses ‘just happened’ to come to the same place I’d feel sorry and mortified for them as I’d assume some sort of stalking/domestic abuse. I’m not embarrassed by DH and assume he’s not embarrassed by me and our colleagues know we are married etc, but if I went out and found by dumb luck it was where he was with friends or colleagues, no way I’d go over say hi and try and join in. I’d quietly make an exit and go somewhere else so I wouldn’t be perceived as stalking him. I’d expect him to do the same in such a scenario.

SparklyBlackKitten · 29/04/2023 05:08

So he has obviously told work that he was single.

Your marriage is over
The man has checked out.

And you should too

Because I dont know you: but you dont deserve to live with a man that clearly doesn't love,value, or commits to you.

You are worth more. And if you dont think so. Then think for your dd. SHE deserves more.

aloris · 29/04/2023 05:12

HoppingPavlova · 29/04/2023 05:05

There is no way your DH speaking to you like that is acceptable, absolutely not.

I do find the whole scenario odd though. If I was out with colleagues and one of their spouses ‘just happened’ to come to the same place I’d feel sorry and mortified for them as I’d assume some sort of stalking/domestic abuse. I’m not embarrassed by DH and assume he’s not embarrassed by me and our colleagues know we are married etc, but if I went out and found by dumb luck it was where he was with friends or colleagues, no way I’d go over say hi and try and join in. I’d quietly make an exit and go somewhere else so I wouldn’t be perceived as stalking him. I’d expect him to do the same in such a scenario.

That's a really strange and somewhat paranoid reaction. The normal reaction would be to come over and say hi, introduce everyone round, chat for a few minutes, and then continue on with your separate social events. I suppose you could combine groups but work outings are often about industry chat and can be very boring.

ThatFraggle · 29/04/2023 05:25

Sounds like a Stroppy 14 year old embarrassed of their parents when with their cool friends.

OP, I know this will hurt, but apart from the cheating/wanting to appear single option, there is another possible reason.

Since we are cutting to the chase, I will but it bluntly. Is there a massive difference in your attractiveness compared to him? Are you very overweight for example, or you don't spend time with hair, makeup, style etc.? Of course that is NOT AN EXCUSE but maybe that's the reason.

Still a shitty reason, and reason enough to leave.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 29/04/2023 05:28

Wow. I mean my partner might feel a bit odd crossing together his professional life and personal life but to tell you to fuck off?

Even I prefer my partner not to meet work people bc I'm a bit different with them than our friends but if he happened to be there no way would I say that to him.

I'd worry that he's painted himself as a ladies man or something.

WandaWonder · 29/04/2023 05:30

Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 01:15

Yep, they were like are you sure...
I feel so hurt, I'm so proud of him, show him off at every opportunity.

I am sorry but this feels weird

IDontWantToBeAPie · 29/04/2023 05:30

The only way I'd imagine my partner saying that is if I was sloppy drunk

ThatFraggle · 29/04/2023 05:31

HoppingPavlova · 29/04/2023 05:05

There is no way your DH speaking to you like that is acceptable, absolutely not.

I do find the whole scenario odd though. If I was out with colleagues and one of their spouses ‘just happened’ to come to the same place I’d feel sorry and mortified for them as I’d assume some sort of stalking/domestic abuse. I’m not embarrassed by DH and assume he’s not embarrassed by me and our colleagues know we are married etc, but if I went out and found by dumb luck it was where he was with friends or colleagues, no way I’d go over say hi and try and join in. I’d quietly make an exit and go somewhere else so I wouldn’t be perceived as stalking him. I’d expect him to do the same in such a scenario.

You sound like a weirdo.

No one would think stalking.

If you are in a popular place, you would think 'oh, they're here too because it's popular '.

Maybe staying with them for an hour was a bit much, but " hi, (kiss on the cheek) this is my wife Nicola, my sister in law Janice, this is Bob, Tom, Dick, Harry." Small talk, small talk, enjoy your night, see you at home, then you go back to your table.

Oh I thought of one more thing, are you a wild and exuberant but not actually very coordinated dancer (like Phoebe Buffay's running). Maybe that's why he was embarrassed.

But that only sounds like an explanation, but it's still not good enough, and you should at the very least be in couples counseling for this specifically, and whatever is underlying.