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Original poster

Is he embarrassed by me?

461 replies

Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 01:09

So.... Not sure what to think so after opinions please... I went out with my sister in law for drinks, my husband was out with his work colleagues, we saw them and wend over to say hi, I introduced myself to them,, he was so cross and didn't speak to me and told me to F off as I was embarrassing him... We've been married for 8 years and together for 10. I'm not sure how to even take this reaction, never experienced it with him before. Some of his colleagues didn't even know about me, am I being 'over sensitive' or should I be seeing some red flags...

OP posts:
aboutbloodytime123 · 29/04/2023 07:45

That is awful, I'm so sorry. DP has some friends who are all into very different music to me so I don't often go out with that crowd but if I was out and saw him with them I wouldn't feel like I couldn't go and join them or at least say hello, and they definitely know about me. This is very odd.

coodawoodashooda · 29/04/2023 07:50

Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 01:26

Thank you for your responses, I kind of feel like I'm not going mad. Maybe he does want the single life. I've never felt so small in all my life.

You should feel the opposite of that with your husband. I didn't because mine was a bully too. You shouldn't be awake, sad and worried because you bumped into him when you were out.

Ofcourseshecan · 29/04/2023 07:52

Olive19741205 · 29/04/2023 01:37

The fact that you don't even know how shockingly bad the way he spoke to you is, tells us that you're in an extremely unhealthy relationship. If my DH spoke to me like that, there's no way I would get past it, I'd be out of the relationship, unless he unreservedly apologised and promised nothing like that would ever happen again. How dare he treat you like that.

I bet there's other behaviours that are not very pleasant with him. Why is he not telling his colleagues he's married? That's very strange.

This.

It is not normal or acceptable for someone to tell their partner to fuck off when they happen to meet in public!

If anyone (friend, DH or anyone) did that to me, the relationship would be over.

Time4achangeagain · 29/04/2023 07:54

OP, any chance you were drunk and loud without realising?

TooRightM8 · 29/04/2023 07:54

hattie43 · 29/04/2023 06:25

He's having an affair and his colleagues know about it . A wife turning up that they know nothing of is a massive red flag . I know the marital status of all my colleagues.
There is no other logical explanation for what's happened . His anger is because he's been caught out .

Yes - this

Littleworkaholic · 29/04/2023 07:54

Can’t believe what I’m reading. That’s utterly shocking, you’d not even be that vicious and rude to a stranger. He’s hidden that he’s married, told you to fuck off and that you were an embarrassment?

hes clearly shagging around, and especially if some,of them were saying are you sure. So they know something you don’t. He’s embarrassed as they all know he was lying now. And annoyed as some woman is going to find out.

what an utter fucking low life scum bag, your marriage is over and it was a lie, I’m so sorry. No one deserves to be with someone like this.

Stratusinium · 29/04/2023 07:56

icelollycraving · 29/04/2023 07:40

It’s odd he hasn’t said he’s married, I’d assume either a very new job or he’s looking to be acting single.
Also odd is that you & your sil joined them for an hour when presumably it was uncomfortable. Was it a mix of men and women?
If his colleagues started saying you weren’t embarrassing or whatever, did this turn into a domestic row in front of them? That would be embarrassing tbh. I bet the group chat is going mad.
So your sil saw this play out, she will have told her husband too. Messy.
You say you are proud of him and show him off, is there like a pp asked a bit of a gap in your attractiveness? It doesn’t give him the go ahead to be such a wanker but may be a reason (to him).
How awful for you, and how awkward for the people watching this play out last night.

A gap in their attractiveness? I know it was not the intention, but that’s a horrible question.

They're married, there can be no excuse or rationale. If he’s got a problem with his wife then what’s he doing with her - he shouldn’t be in the relationship.

Littleworkaholic · 29/04/2023 07:57

Daffodilwoman · 29/04/2023 06:53

I’d go out for the day. Don’t do any cooking for him. Do not wash or iron any of his clothes. Stop all that immediately. If he asks “What’s for dinner?” Say “Wtf are you asking me? I’m not your wife, am I?”
No way would I let this slide. Start protecting yourself op. I’d start planning a life without him. Contact family and friends to make plans and keep yourself busy. This has red flag city. He died today deserve you. Don’t let him gaslight you over this.

Wtf is this? I’m agog. Like it’s normal for woman to cook and do their husbands laundry, what is this the 1950s?

fryanddry · 29/04/2023 07:58

why are you with him?

ShitFacedOnRetsina · 29/04/2023 07:58

He would have come home to an empty house if DH had done that to me. I am not kidding. I'd be done.

How can you ever come back from this?

AtChoService · 29/04/2023 08:02

Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 02:27

Thanks all.
I've imposed on his evening (we were there not even an hour), I'm embarrassing and he's furious. I've ruined his work life balance.
I am so stunned that this has happened, I thought that everything was great.

He shags about at work or on nights out.

Leave him.

ArDi · 29/04/2023 08:02

My DH used to be very sensitive to whether I was "embarrassing" - many years ago when we were in our early 20s, our relationship was new, and he was perhaps a bit less sure of himself socially.
The most significant occasion was a work do where partners were invited, and where after the meal he suddenly wanted to leave and was all quiet on the way home. He finally told me that one of his colleagues had pulled him aside and said something he couldn't quite hear because of the loud music, but he heard "you might want to... your wife.... hard work". He assumed I was somehow ruining the night.
What the guy was actually saying was that DH had basically left me all evening having my ear chewed off by the most boring man in the universe, and this colleague was trying to get him to save me!
When DH realised his mistake, he apologised to me and admitted he was a buffoon.

It was hurtful, but I guess the difference is he apologised...

NewtonsCradle · 29/04/2023 08:04

Your husband doubled down when he got home. He's trying to make you break up with him. I suspect he's in another relationship and he wants to go to work on Tuesday telling everyone his crazy ex just won't leave him alone and he just wants her to sign the divorce papers already! I wouldn't do anything rash op. The relationship is likely over but I wouldn't do all the hard work for him by leaving this weekend!

Ludicrousness · 29/04/2023 08:05

What kind of a man tells his wife and mother of his child to FO in front of his colleagues?

I tell you what kind, the kind not worth having. He is a disrespectful, lying wanker.

Tell him to FO out of your lives, he is embarrassing.

Zuma76 · 29/04/2023 08:07

Are you saying you stayed talking to him and his mates for an hour? That seems a bit off without checking he was happy with that. It’s a very strange thing to say if it’s out of character. We don’t know if you were doing anything that was embarrassing.

Butteralwaysmeltsaway · 29/04/2023 08:09

I'd show him this post then tell him to take a hike!

What a vile infantile man.

MayThe4th · 29/04/2023 08:09

IMO there’s a lot of projecting going on here.

We know nothing about the situation here. How long the DH has worked for the company, how much they discuss their private lives, working from home for instance means that a lot of people just don’t know the same level of detail about each other that they do when they work closely.

We don’t know how the OP behaved, did she just say hello or did she settle down for the night, and only left when her dh told her to.

In terms of what a previous poster said about there being a difference between their levels of attractiveness, I can see what she means especially wrt the OP saying that she shows him off constantly. It’s a bit patronising IMO and if my DH constantly needed to show me off I’d wonder why he felt he needed to as opposed to just acting like a normal married couple.

I’m sorry, I don’t believe this happened as the OP said it did. And I don’t believe that people responded “are you sure?”

Climbles · 29/04/2023 08:12

I can be a bit weird when you mix work/uni people with other friends/family so if he felt a bit awkward that makes sense. But unless you were roaring drunk or behaving badly I don’t get why he reacted so extremely.
What did SIL think of his behaviour? Did you know he was going to be in the bar? How long has he been at his work? I’m not sure I could move past this TBH. How does having a wife and a 6year old child not come up in conversation?

Jellyheadbang · 29/04/2023 08:14

I have been a 'sloppy drunk' when younger and have absolutely been in situations where (ex)h AND my own friends have behaved like this towards me when I've turned up hammered or accidentally interrupted their civil event whilst being a drunken knob.
We're talking decades ago.
And I've been mortified when i realisedwhy peoplewerecold towards me.
There's a Simpsons episode with Homer drunk at a dinner party which sums it up perfectly for me.

I can also imagine a scenario where had i continued down that route and my exh had hated my drinking and wanted out, he might not have talked about me in his new job.
Also working for a large organisation, and having been mostly working alone from home since lockdown, I have no idea whether some of my newer colleagues are married.
Some of them might not have known about you just because of their relationship to him at work.

I don't understand the posters mentioning cocaine, thats a red herring

I don't know how any of this can be attributed to drug use.

Op. Be honest with yourself, if you weren't hammered or in his face or disruptive in any other ways then yes, it is cause for concern.
Where you in alarming fancy dress? Blowing trumpets? 🤣
What did your sil say about it all?

TravelDazzle · 29/04/2023 08:14

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 29/04/2023 07:29

On the surface this seems extremely rude and odd but can I ask a couple of brutal questions? Well, some not so brutal!

How long has he worked there and is it a big team? I haven't always known colleagues' personal circs. Did some know he was married and some not, or all under the distinct impression he was single? When did he start getting shirty, straight away? How was he with SIL? Did you stay with them for an hour or in the bar for an hour?

Brutal bit but could be pertinent: honestly, were you messy drunk, loud, dominating the conversation or inappropriate? Not shaming you if so, and I'm not assuming you were. But it could be an explanation (not an excuse).

The thing that makes me ask is when you say 'his colleagues said I wasn't an embarrassment'. So either he berated you loudly enough for them to hear, a propos of nothing, or your behaviour embarrassed him, he expressed this, and you were asking workmates whether you were an embarrassment. Again, he shouldn't have told you to fuck off even if you'd had too much but there's a difference.

I was wondering the same. If OP was a sloppy mess and making a tit out of herself, then that may explain the defensiveness (but doesn't excuse the FO comment). I'd be interested to know this before making huge judgements on whether or not her husband is having an affair like other posters are convinced of, with zero evidence 🙄

Notjustabrunette · 29/04/2023 08:15

Someone in your relationship is an embarrassment. The clue is, it’s not you.

Stratusinium · 29/04/2023 08:17

MayThe4th · 29/04/2023 08:09

IMO there’s a lot of projecting going on here.

We know nothing about the situation here. How long the DH has worked for the company, how much they discuss their private lives, working from home for instance means that a lot of people just don’t know the same level of detail about each other that they do when they work closely.

We don’t know how the OP behaved, did she just say hello or did she settle down for the night, and only left when her dh told her to.

In terms of what a previous poster said about there being a difference between their levels of attractiveness, I can see what she means especially wrt the OP saying that she shows him off constantly. It’s a bit patronising IMO and if my DH constantly needed to show me off I’d wonder why he felt he needed to as opposed to just acting like a normal married couple.

I’m sorry, I don’t believe this happened as the OP said it did. And I don’t believe that people responded “are you sure?”

I don’t think ‘showing him off’ necessarily means in terms of how he looks, I read this as being she’s proud of him as a person and excited for people to meet him.

NameforMN · 29/04/2023 08:18

He's either shagging around or wants to, or he's made out he's married to someone else (photos or description he's given these people) or you were acting in a way that embarrassed him (drunk). You'd know if the last applied, so that just leaves the other 3. He owes you an explanation and an apology.

Blizzard23 · 29/04/2023 08:22

Let’s just imagine you were steaming drunk dressed as a rainbow unicorn - his first instincts should have been to protect and look after you! His status at work should never ever come before his love and loyalty to you.

I am assuming you were however neither of those things op, you post extremely coherently even at 2am.

My marriage would be over if my dh had done this. I would never accept being told to F off, much less the reasons he gives for doing so.

My love for him would wither and die on the spot, and would never recover from this. I can’t see how or why you would salvage this relationship, he does not care about you at all.

I am sorry, this realisation must be very painful.

HeidiUpTheMountain · 29/04/2023 08:22

They were shocked to find out he was married.

That’s the only bit of this that really matters - not anything the OP did. (His behaviour towards her was unforgivable, but that’s all part of the same thing).

It means they know him to act as though he isn’t married - either shagging around, or in a relationship with someone else.

OP, he’s not who you thought he was. He has no respect for, or loyalty to, you. This is very serious. For me, it would be the end, no matter what story he manages to concoct to ‘explain’. He has humiliated you, been publicly disloyal and unfaithful. Not a person with whom you can build a true partnership.