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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he embarrassed by me?

461 replies

Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 01:09

So.... Not sure what to think so after opinions please... I went out with my sister in law for drinks, my husband was out with his work colleagues, we saw them and wend over to say hi, I introduced myself to them,, he was so cross and didn't speak to me and told me to F off as I was embarrassing him... We've been married for 8 years and together for 10. I'm not sure how to even take this reaction, never experienced it with him before. Some of his colleagues didn't even know about me, am I being 'over sensitive' or should I be seeing some red flags...

OP posts:
ChiChaNaYubi · 03/05/2023 09:21

i picked my husband up from his staff party a few months ago. I’d never met any of them before and they all knew who I was, were all excited to meet me and knew lots about me because my husband is very proud of me and loves me. That’s how your husband should be acting.

TheMoops · 03/05/2023 10:02

ChiChaNaYubi · 03/05/2023 09:21

i picked my husband up from his staff party a few months ago. I’d never met any of them before and they all knew who I was, were all excited to meet me and knew lots about me because my husband is very proud of me and loves me. That’s how your husband should be acting.

Exactly! I'm at an event at the organisation where DH works today. He's insisted on taking me to his office to meet people and has introduced me to people we've just seen in passing!

It's not normal to hide your spouse

Original poster
Anonymous881 · 03/05/2023 13:46

Been quiet as I've been mulling things over and trying to understand why it happened.
He doesn't know why his colleagues didn't know about me as he's said he's been open and honest. He wears a ring too.
We've had some lengthy conversations, he's said he's 'embarrassed by his awful behaviour and is so sorry he's hurt me and there is no excuse for it', also said he's willing to make up for it and never wants to make me feel this way again.
Think of it as you will but I am willing to let him try, (I'm a bit cautious, naturally) but seeing how it's hurt him by how he's hurt me I think he's genuinely sorry and embarrassed.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 03/05/2023 13:54

Anonymous881 · 03/05/2023 13:46

Been quiet as I've been mulling things over and trying to understand why it happened.
He doesn't know why his colleagues didn't know about me as he's said he's been open and honest. He wears a ring too.
We've had some lengthy conversations, he's said he's 'embarrassed by his awful behaviour and is so sorry he's hurt me and there is no excuse for it', also said he's willing to make up for it and never wants to make me feel this way again.
Think of it as you will but I am willing to let him try, (I'm a bit cautious, naturally) but seeing how it's hurt him by how he's hurt me I think he's genuinely sorry and embarrassed.

OP,

You will do what you do and I sincerely wish you the best.

He is a liar, and he continues to lie to you.

He knows only too well why he behaved in such an appallingly nasty way towards you.

Eventually things will reveal themselves.

He is not a good man.

Good men do not humiliating their wives, call them an embarrassment in front of others.

It is so far removed from the behaviour of a husband with a shred of decency.

i understand that you simply cannot face the truth of that reality.

Try and protect yourself as best you can.

He is not to be trusted.

But good luck to you all the same.

Bamboozleme · 03/05/2023 14:59

He wears a ring too.

surprised you didn’t mention this sooner op

if he wears a wedding ring then it would seem he’s not hiding it

BunnyFun · 03/05/2023 15:03

@Anonymous881 Surely he can describe the feelings and thoughts that went through his head between you introducing yourself and he telling you to F. off.

ScribblingPixie · 03/05/2023 15:13

Fair enough to give him a chance, OP. Make sure you don't end up giving him a second and third.

FictionalCharacter · 03/05/2023 15:23

Anonymous881 · 03/05/2023 13:46

Been quiet as I've been mulling things over and trying to understand why it happened.
He doesn't know why his colleagues didn't know about me as he's said he's been open and honest. He wears a ring too.
We've had some lengthy conversations, he's said he's 'embarrassed by his awful behaviour and is so sorry he's hurt me and there is no excuse for it', also said he's willing to make up for it and never wants to make me feel this way again.
Think of it as you will but I am willing to let him try, (I'm a bit cautious, naturally) but seeing how it's hurt him by how he's hurt me I think he's genuinely sorry and embarrassed.

Let’s hope he means it. I wonder of one of his colleagues has had a word with him after witnessing the terrible way he treated you.

Hellno45 · 03/05/2023 15:28

Anonymous881 · 03/05/2023 13:46

Been quiet as I've been mulling things over and trying to understand why it happened.
He doesn't know why his colleagues didn't know about me as he's said he's been open and honest. He wears a ring too.
We've had some lengthy conversations, he's said he's 'embarrassed by his awful behaviour and is so sorry he's hurt me and there is no excuse for it', also said he's willing to make up for it and never wants to make me feel this way again.
Think of it as you will but I am willing to let him try, (I'm a bit cautious, naturally) but seeing how it's hurt him by how he's hurt me I think he's genuinely sorry and embarrassed.

I don't blame you for trying to make the relationship work. I think you would benefit from relationship counselling. I think moving forward it might be worth attending some of his work functions. Anyhow, good luck @Anonymous881 . If he ever makes you feel less than again walk away with your head (and middle finger) up.

LookItsMeAgain · 03/05/2023 15:35

@Anonymous881 - I'm with @billy1966 on this.

If I was out and I happened to see a family member or a friend who was also out, of course I'd go over to chat with them for a while. As the saying goes "Time flies when you're having fun" so an hour might have felt like it had gone by very fast.
It in absolutely no way excuses the way your husband spoke to you on the night or how he spoke to you the following morning. Doubting your feelings or thoughts or what you said during that time spent with your husband's colleagues is a first step to making you doubt yourself all the time. That has a name, gaslighting.

He may say he's sorry now. He's had time to collect his thoughts and to realise what he could have lost.

My honest advise is to not let there be another time.

If he speaks to you disrespectfully or tells you to fuck off - leave him. Take your child and leave.

As for wearing a ring, my son wears a ring he was given as a gift from his friends on his wedding ring finger. He's not married. He just finds it most comfortable to wear there. What I'm trying to say here is that many people, including men, wear jewellery just because...they could have inherited it for example and decide to wear it. Also some women are attracted to men they think are unavailable so he might be pretending there too (to them).

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 03/05/2023 16:12

ScribblingPixie · 03/05/2023 15:13

Fair enough to give him a chance, OP. Make sure you don't end up giving him a second and third.

Thank you for coming back to update.

I agree with the above, give him a chance, but only the one

tensmum1964 · 03/05/2023 16:41

Obviously only you can make the decision and will live with the consequences but honestly, he's not hurt by how hurt you are. People who don't want to see their loved ones hurt don't behave like that. It's not rocket science that treating someone that way is cruel and heartless and he knew it then and knows it now. Sadly I don't think his behaviour will change, he will just be a bit sheepish for now but on the whole he has shown his true colours and will in no doubt show them again.

ScribblingPixie · 03/05/2023 16:47

I'd also use this time to start planning financially, getting a nest egg together, so that if you do decide to split up at some point, you're prepared. Hopefully this is a one-off, but you'd be an idiot not to have a workable plan in your head for if it isn't.

Newyearnewmeow · 03/05/2023 16:48

Watch yourself OP. He’s bullshitting you.

Littleworkaholic · 03/05/2023 17:55

Are you sure he keeps it on, as if he wears a ring it’s very unusual they don’t know he isn’t married. It’s an automatic assumption no?

i feel very sad for you, that you’ve reduced yourself to pretending to beleive him and accepting this so you don’t have to split up . It’s very sad indeed. You were never going to end it though, and didn’t wish to even text him about being so late after. in case it was seen as nagging.

is money involved, ie can you not afford to go alone. That’s often the case.

I think it’s even more humiliating to stay when everyone knows, from his sister to his colleague how he feels about you , that likely he’s cheating, and everyone they have told, for them to know.

when someone abuses and humiliates you publicly like this, it says everting about them and their feelings about you , when the abused accepts it and stays with them, it says everything about them, and results in pity and embarrassment

GabriellaMontez · 03/05/2023 18:11

Send yourself an email. Describe exactly what happened that night. What was said after. How you felt.

Memories fade and history gets rewritten sometimes.

It would be good to have an account for the future. Just in case.

Rhubarbandtoast · 03/05/2023 18:28

yes agree give him one chance only and if it happens again, give him the boot.

As others said, ask about work nights out. See what his reaction is.

MayThe4th · 03/05/2023 18:46

He’s not hurt.

He’s rewriting history, even the next morning he was still saying that he was embarrassed by you.

You say his colleagues didn’t know you existed, the only way they didn’t know was if he hadn’t told them.

I suspect someone has had a word. One of his colleagues perhaps, or his brother. Don’t forget that his family will all know about this as your SIL was there as well.

I don’t blame you for wanting to give him another chance, but ask yourself what that looks like. You won’t realistically be able to go out with him on work nights out because everyone knows that you turned up and he was embarrassed by you. And he was embarrassed by you, otherwise he wouldn’t have said it.

billy1966 · 03/05/2023 18:59

Please OP, at least don't inflict him on another child.

Mind you, how anyone could talk themselves into having sex with a man who would tell them to fxxk off infront of their colleagues is beyond me.

If you can somehow stomach it, make sure your contraception is absolutely bullet proof.

someoneisalwaysintheloo · 03/05/2023 19:47

I hope he is attending to your hurt feelings and taking ownership of what he's done rather than twisting it so the focus is on him and how bad he feels about doing a bad thing to you.

I'm with billy1966 on this. He's still lying. He knows why he's done this but isn't going to tell you.

SarahDippity · 04/05/2023 00:00

I wouldn’t let this lie. I would need him to articulate what made him act as he did, what was his thinking, bring it back to the moment and find out why was his response to tell you to fuck off.

Might be a painful conversation, but you are owed consideration.

if you don’t, next time he goes out, you might find he is instructing you ‘we are going to x bar, don’t show up, don’t call me, I’ll call you’ and you are back in your box.

WeeblesWobbled · 04/05/2023 00:19

Anonymous881 · 03/05/2023 13:46

Been quiet as I've been mulling things over and trying to understand why it happened.
He doesn't know why his colleagues didn't know about me as he's said he's been open and honest. He wears a ring too.
We've had some lengthy conversations, he's said he's 'embarrassed by his awful behaviour and is so sorry he's hurt me and there is no excuse for it', also said he's willing to make up for it and never wants to make me feel this way again.
Think of it as you will but I am willing to let him try, (I'm a bit cautious, naturally) but seeing how it's hurt him by how he's hurt me I think he's genuinely sorry and embarrassed.

You must see how weird it is that he doesn’t seem to know why his colleagues didn’t know he was married. There is only one reason that would happen - he didn,t tell them. I know it is painful but there is no other explanation. You see that, don’t you.?

Turtletotem · 04/05/2023 03:56

Playing devil's advocate here, what is your husband like as a person? Wondering if he struggles with the idea of mixing people like he compartmentalises them?
Is it possible he's neuro diverse?
I know my daughter would struggle to cope with the unexpected turning up and may react quite strongly unintentionally.

Bamboozleme · 04/05/2023 05:40

His colleagues are a bit thick if they didn’t realise he was married

and yet the Op says he wears his wedding ring

Aishah231 · 04/05/2023 07:15

Tell him you want him to arrange an evening out with you and some of his friends. Test how willing he is to really show he is married. If he tries to weedle out of it I would leave.