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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he embarrassed by me?

461 replies

Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 01:09

So.... Not sure what to think so after opinions please... I went out with my sister in law for drinks, my husband was out with his work colleagues, we saw them and wend over to say hi, I introduced myself to them,, he was so cross and didn't speak to me and told me to F off as I was embarrassing him... We've been married for 8 years and together for 10. I'm not sure how to even take this reaction, never experienced it with him before. Some of his colleagues didn't even know about me, am I being 'over sensitive' or should I be seeing some red flags...

OP posts:
brokestudent · 29/04/2023 01:57

Wow. That is awful.

ASGIRC · 29/04/2023 02:05

PPs have mentioned maybe he doesnt want to mix work and personal life... Thats all well and good, but then dont go out on a bender with your work colleagues. That stops it being a work thing, and it moves into the personal thing.

People who genuinely want to keeps those two separate dont tend to socialise with their co workers.

The fact they had no idea he was married and how mad he was at you are massive red flags. Do not let this slide. This is a problem

Original poster
Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 02:13

Little update,, he's come home. Said I was out of order for turning up and saying hi to him. I imposed on his night and embarrassed him so much.
I'm literally speechless our marriage has come to this.

OP posts:
lamaze1 · 29/04/2023 02:17

He is deflecting. The fact he isn't sorry is pretty shocking.

As others have said, the fact you've questioned yourself is a big red flag re how you're treated generally.

I also agree his behaviour tonight is also big red flag. First thing that sprang to mind as I was reading your op was he either has, or is planning to cheat.

feefifofums · 29/04/2023 02:18

Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 02:13

Little update,, he's come home. Said I was out of order for turning up and saying hi to him. I imposed on his night and embarrassed him so much.
I'm literally speechless our marriage has come to this.

Do him a favour and give him the single life he so seems to want

ASGIRC · 29/04/2023 02:22

Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 02:13

Little update,, he's come home. Said I was out of order for turning up and saying hi to him. I imposed on his night and embarrassed him so much.
I'm literally speechless our marriage has come to this.

How is going over to say hi to your HUSBAND, who happens to be at the same place as you, embarrassing????

What, exctaly, was embarrasing about it? Im assuming you didnt hang about (specially after the way he treated you), and were just saying hi?

Original poster
Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 02:27

Thanks all.
I've imposed on his evening (we were there not even an hour), I'm embarrassing and he's furious. I've ruined his work life balance.
I am so stunned that this has happened, I thought that everything was great.

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 29/04/2023 02:30

That's a truly nasty way to treat you.

Abi86 · 29/04/2023 02:31

I’m not sure there’s a way of recovering from that sort of interaction with your spouse. Sorry just doesn’t seem to cut it. You’ve got some life changing decisions to make.

PriOn1 · 29/04/2023 02:33

So sorry for you, OP. Even my abusive asshole ex wouldn’t behave like that and he has now doubled down on it when he’s home.

I can’t imagine any reason to feel so embarrassed by your spouse arriving, other than that you have represented yourself to colleagues as single, or that you regard your spouse as so far beneath you as to be an embarrassment. I’m honestly not sure which of those is worse, but either way, I know this would be the end of the relationship for me. I realise it will take a huge adjustment in your mindset, however. It sounds like you had no idea he felt that way. Does he treat you respectfully in other ways?

Feliciacat · 29/04/2023 02:36

Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 02:27

Thanks all.
I've imposed on his evening (we were there not even an hour), I'm embarrassing and he's furious. I've ruined his work life balance.
I am so stunned that this has happened, I thought that everything was great.

I’m literally open mouthed at this thread. I am so sorry to hear that he’s being such a bastard. I can’t believe he came home and doubled down!

It’s completely weird and nasty that he would tell you that you’re embarrassing full stop; especially for doing something as normal as saying hello to your own husband. The only explanations for this must be that he’s having an affair at work (or planning to), he was under the influence of something (this is less likely as he was coherent enough to come home and double down on previous events), or he is pretty abusive and has contempt for you.

I think leaving might actually be the only option if he is this disgusting to you. No person should treat another like that. Let alone a spouse. You need to hold your head high and don’t let him beat you down with his gaslighting. You couldn’t be more in the right.

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 29/04/2023 02:38

OP don't accept anything he has said. You're presence is not an embarrassment. This is so incredibly wrong.

There's no positive explanation for HIS behaviour. You are not the issue. He is. Tomorrow you have to start thinking about how to get you and your DC out of this situation.

It's horrible and shocking. You do not deserve this. This is not acceptable.

UnMNetty hug

Bahhhhhumbug · 29/04/2023 02:40

How did his colleagues react ,was it hissed quietly at you or did they hear ? Is your SIL his sister or your brother's wife and what did she say /think ? Can't believe a relative or one or more of his 'decent' colleagues wouldn't call him out on speaking to you like that. Is there any history for you to feel need to 'check up on him' and has he asked you not to, or was this a one off accidental bumping into him ?
Red flag that they didn't even know you exist.

Dedodee · 29/04/2023 02:42

I had a work colleague who insisted he was single.
We knew he was lying and had a dw and dc. We thought our colleague was a knobhead. I wonder what your dh’s colleagues think of him.

Mammalys · 29/04/2023 02:44

I'd say that response is gas lighting. Blaming you to deflect what the actual reason is so that you're too scared to delve deeper and ask questions. Making you feel like you're going mad, you're the problem.

Honestly, this one is grounds for leaving. I know its easier said than done but that would be a complete deal breaker. How heartbreaking for you. I think he is cheating on you.

Original poster
Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 02:46

His brothers wife, we're really close.
Never ever doubted his loyalty until tonight and reading honest comments.
It was said loud enough and I was told by some I am moan embarrassment.

OP posts:
ASGIRC · 29/04/2023 02:57

If he was my husbandhed be sleeping on the couch tonight, and id be having a very serious conversation about our relationship tomorrow.

Original poster
Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 02:57

*no an (not moan, sorry typo)

OP posts:
Anaemiafog · 29/04/2023 02:58

This is truly awful. If DH showed that level of contempt in front of not only his work colleagues (did your last reply say some of them called you an embarrassment too?) but also your SIL, I'd have only gone home to pack a bag for the night.
I don't think a relationship is repairable after that and then to double down when he arrived home demonstrates how badly he feels about you. You're supposed to be the person he loves most in the world. He vowed that in public. His actions tonight show that's a lie.

Gymnopedie · 29/04/2023 02:58

Well take comfort from the fact that he's embarrassed himself far more effectively than you ever could. His colleagues are going to wonder what the hell he's playing at.

I couldn't recover from this, it would be the end. Try to find the inner strength to do it.

I feel so hurt, I'm so proud of him, show him off at every opportunity.

What this has shown you is that he isn't the man you thought he was, the one you were so proud of. He's appalling and doesn't deserve your love or your pride.

Coyoacan · 29/04/2023 02:58

Honestly, this one is grounds for leaving

I had a bf who said something of that nature to me once and all the love I'd felt for him died at that moment.

Original poster
Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 02:59

His colleagues said I wasn't an embarrassment at all

OP posts:
ASGIRC · 29/04/2023 03:00

Dedodee · 29/04/2023 02:42

I had a work colleague who insisted he was single.
We knew he was lying and had a dw and dc. We thought our colleague was a knobhead. I wonder what your dh’s colleagues think of him.

I have a "friend" like that. Always pretended he was single, was always on the prowl.
Then a lot of us found out he was actually married (even had a different social media acct with the wife and family) and his wife was prgnant!!

Then came storis of how they married for appearances, bla bla bla, the wife getting pregnant was a one off... and then she gets pregnant again!
Hes since had a child with another woman, and still married. The wife was prgnant at the same time, but misscarried! Hes an absolute knob!

Anaemiafog · 29/04/2023 03:01

Sorry we cross posted. Thank goodness he only embarrassed himself. He's a cunt and I rarely ever say that word.

someoneisalwaysintheloo · 29/04/2023 03:03

How awful and disturbing.
There's no excuse for it. None.

So he told you to fuck off in front of his friends and SIL loud enough for them all to hear!

As others have said, I suspect he's told everyone he's single so he can cheat and do whatever he wants when he's out.

Then instead of being sorry, he stayed out even later and came home and doubled down in you.

He's batshit. There's no coming back from this as he seems to be leading a double life and has contempt for you.

Monday, ring up a solicitor and find out your rights. Tell your family or close friend for real life support.

I'd be telling him to pack his bag and leave.