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Original poster

Is he embarrassed by me?

461 replies

Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 01:09

So.... Not sure what to think so after opinions please... I went out with my sister in law for drinks, my husband was out with his work colleagues, we saw them and wend over to say hi, I introduced myself to them,, he was so cross and didn't speak to me and told me to F off as I was embarrassing him... We've been married for 8 years and together for 10. I'm not sure how to even take this reaction, never experienced it with him before. Some of his colleagues didn't even know about me, am I being 'over sensitive' or should I be seeing some red flags...

OP posts:
JoanThursday1972 · 29/04/2023 17:48

Bamboozleme · 29/04/2023 15:21

@AngelinaFibres

anywhere near his white shirt and cream levis outfit

honestly, on the basis of his outfit alone, he did you a huge huge favour

Did he think he was on Miami Vice?

Rhubarbandtoast · 29/04/2023 18:05

He’s been pretending to everyone at work that he’s single … maybe even boasting he’s not the marrying type !

Cant think of any other reason to react like that but I think you should stop making excuses for him and demand a full explanation from him.

Dint let him fob you off with “ I love you ‘

Actions speak louder than words.

DoNotGiveMeHam · 29/04/2023 18:26

I'm sorry OP :( This is awful and acceptable. You seem to be close to your SIL, any chance she can get her DH to talk to your guy to find out what's going on?

Many red flags here and he sounds like a manipulative person.

If I were you I'd be getting your finances in order or reaching out to lawyers to see how you can leave him.

PinkiOcelot · 29/04/2023 18:26

HoppingPavlova · 29/04/2023 05:05

There is no way your DH speaking to you like that is acceptable, absolutely not.

I do find the whole scenario odd though. If I was out with colleagues and one of their spouses ‘just happened’ to come to the same place I’d feel sorry and mortified for them as I’d assume some sort of stalking/domestic abuse. I’m not embarrassed by DH and assume he’s not embarrassed by me and our colleagues know we are married etc, but if I went out and found by dumb luck it was where he was with friends or colleagues, no way I’d go over say hi and try and join in. I’d quietly make an exit and go somewhere else so I wouldn’t be perceived as stalking him. I’d expect him to do the same in such a scenario.

You sound as weird as OPs dickhead H! P

DoNotGiveMeHam · 29/04/2023 18:27

IncompleteSenten · 29/04/2023 16:37

There's a reason his colleagues don't know you exist and that reason is probably female.

Sadly, yes.

NameChangeNumber359 · 29/04/2023 18:29

Wow. He's every right to be embarrassed - at his own behaviour. His colleagues must think he's an immature prick (and yes, he is). Not sure how he can come back from that, but he should be begging your forgiveness at the very least. As for telling you he loves you? Well, actions speak louder than words. And his actions were absolutely horrible.

redheadcurl · 29/04/2023 18:34

Sorry if I have missed this reply but how long has he been in this job?

GreyCarpet · 29/04/2023 18:50

I met a man through work once. We spent loads of time together, got on really well, developed a bit of a connection. We shared personal information - eg we talked about our families, how we'd spent the weekends, what wed done over christmas, where we liked to go, music we liked etc. I knew that he and his parents had shared custody of his niece because of his sisters health problems etc.

I left the job and he asked for my number, got in touch and asked me out.

So I checked him out online and found him registered with Companies House as the co-director of his company with his wife.

There's only one reason his colleagues won't know of your existence.

Alcemeg · 29/04/2023 18:51

Perhaps show him this thread and ask for a full explanation, which is your right.

An apology is one thing, but without understanding what was going through his head... By which I mean actually understanding it, so that it makes sense to you... it will be hard to get past this cruel incident.

Don't accept his apology alone. What was he playing at?

The inside of his head might be full of delusion, or he might be a player. Either way, it's not healthy to sweep this under the carpet in the interests of a quiet life. X

TeenLifeMum · 29/04/2023 18:52

I’d be seriously questioning my relationship if dh didn’t tell his workplace he’s married. I wouldn’t expect him to give lots of details but to not say I exist feels deliberate.

Passmethpens · 29/04/2023 18:58

I would hate to spoken to like that by anybody… never mind my husband. Sorry OP

2bazookas · 29/04/2023 19:31

MakesMeFeelSad · 29/04/2023 01:12

Red flag , some of them didn't even know about you ? Bloody hell

Living a double life . The work colleagues probably know his other wife, the one he takes to work social occasions.

GarlicGrace · 29/04/2023 19:44

For crying out loud, @Anonymous881, please don't feel you have to justify yourself to batshit men people posting on your thread.

Even if you were off your face, screaming the lyrics to "Never Gonna Give You Up" with one tit out of your dress, and had crawled all the pubs looking for him, there is still no excuse for his behaviour! A sane & reasonable man would introduce you both as his wife & SIL - with anything from humour to, yes, embarrassment - and steer you gently to a pint of water/some food/a taxi/home, depending on the circumstances. In short, he would look after you, his wife.

He literally rejected you and his role in your life. To your face, with witnesses.
He told you to fuck off. In the context, there's no way this could be taken as a joke or banter.

You've said that, in any case, you weren't misbehaving. I believe you.

There's nothing reasonable about what happened. It's stark. I feel so bad for you, and I also feel bad that you're even questioning this. Someone's really done a number on your self worth 😢Everyone deserves better than this - everyone! No matter what he says now, his position was made clear in that devastating five minutes.

@WeeblesWobbled, your story made me feel like crying, too. Neither 'husband' was worthy of the title.

Shitsandwiches · 29/04/2023 20:27

What did your SIL say about it OP?

I'm really sorry that happened to you. He deliberately made you feel like shit - shamed you publicly for no reason as if you are worthless. You are not, you are his wife and the mother of his child and you did not deserve that.

He sounds very insecure and very immature at best - and you've maybe been conditioned over the years to feel proud of him.

Know that his colleagues would have felt uncomfortable, embarrassed and will be talking negatively about him.

tensmum1964 · 29/04/2023 20:54

That is truly horrible for you OP. Especially as you had no idea that he could be like that. It must have been a shock. I honestly couldn't come back from that if my partner did that. My marriage would be well and truly over. I cannot think of one reason or excuse that he could use to lessen what he did It's beyond disgusting behaviour. I'm sorry but LTB is the only sensible outcome. His actions are unforgivable.

Banrockmystation · 29/04/2023 21:27

This would be the end for me. Can’t imagine my husband being embarrassed by me just existing!

Fancylike · 29/04/2023 22:13

Clearly he wants to appear single to his colleagues. This “work-life balance” is BS and not even what the phrase refers to. He’s a cheat or a hoping to cheat, and he’s been caught out in front of an audience. I bet he will backtrack on Monday with a oh that’s my ex wife, or she’s just some crazy sl*g.

Make sure your SIL understands the magnitude of his actions, so she can filter his disgusting behaviour through to the family, and start making your plans to ditch the creep.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 29/04/2023 22:36

You deserve so much better. 💔
That was horrible and it is awful his colleagues don't know about you..
He is either cheating, or wants to cheat.
He is an asshole either way.
He needs to leave.

I hope you can have some time to yourself today to relax and take care of yourself. 💓
I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Stephhh87 · 30/04/2023 06:19

GarlicGrace · 29/04/2023 19:44

For crying out loud, @Anonymous881, please don't feel you have to justify yourself to batshit men people posting on your thread.

Even if you were off your face, screaming the lyrics to "Never Gonna Give You Up" with one tit out of your dress, and had crawled all the pubs looking for him, there is still no excuse for his behaviour! A sane & reasonable man would introduce you both as his wife & SIL - with anything from humour to, yes, embarrassment - and steer you gently to a pint of water/some food/a taxi/home, depending on the circumstances. In short, he would look after you, his wife.

He literally rejected you and his role in your life. To your face, with witnesses.
He told you to fuck off. In the context, there's no way this could be taken as a joke or banter.

You've said that, in any case, you weren't misbehaving. I believe you.

There's nothing reasonable about what happened. It's stark. I feel so bad for you, and I also feel bad that you're even questioning this. Someone's really done a number on your self worth 😢Everyone deserves better than this - everyone! No matter what he says now, his position was made clear in that devastating five minutes.

@WeeblesWobbled, your story made me feel like crying, too. Neither 'husband' was worthy of the title.

Agree. And I made a point earlier that even if I had tuned up messy drunk, my husband would take me home! He wouldn’t send me away in a state, he would want to make sure I was ok… so you’re right, no excuse even if that was the case!

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 30/04/2023 07:01

I don't think it's batshit to ask 'well, was there any reason he might've been embarrassed?'. Obv the OP has confirmed there wasn't.

If she'd said 'well actually to be fair, he started work at as a trainee at a prestigious but very conservative firm 2 weeks ago. I wasn't legless but made a rude joke to his boss on walking up to the table' that would have meant the difference between him handling something terribly, and it being downright odd and suggestive that all is not well.

I don't think OP should tolerate this type of contempt. The work life balance stuff is rubbish. A quick hello and round of introductions would have sufficed.

It sounds very like he may be trying to keep OP apart from his work crowd so he can present as single but one other explanation may be that he's being bullied at work and doesn't want OP to know? That could be a cause of embarrassment.

If he can't give a clear explanation that doesn't involve blaming the OP then I'd be rethinking this relationship. Let him know you want to understand exactly what happened or will be doing just that.

thebestbirtheraccordingtoDD · 30/04/2023 08:25

I read this to DH and he was shocked.
I'd be bloody furious

SoonToBeinSpotlight · 30/04/2023 08:40

The way he spoke to you was totally unacceptable, and he embarrassed himself by doing so. ...Utterly obnoxious and not something I would accept.

In terms of his feeling embarrassed or preferring you not to come over, that part I think is understandable. I would generally not walk up to my partner if he was in the middle of a work thing, because you don't know the dynamic and he is in his 'professional zone'... after all, it's a work do and you weren't invited, so why would you gatecrash? If I did think of approaching , I'd
Move to an angle where I could catch his eye from a distance then get the 'green light' or if I didn't get a clear, positive sign, I would move on. This is especially true if I've never met some of the people he is with. It's nothing to do with thinking I'm not worthy or having low self esteem - his work space is just his, not mine, so I'd be very respectful if that and would expect the same from him for my work colleagues.

If his colleagues thought you were hitting on them, then that would suggest there was something in your dress, attitude and/or being tipsy etc that was giving off a very unprofessional vibe.

But, as I say, none of that excuses how he reacted, which is totally awful and suggests he is a horrid person, with very poor judgement, and no respect for you. I would leave him for that, not for preferring nog to mix work and home.

Mammalys · 30/04/2023 08:49

Hey OP.

I think all you need to do is to send him a link to read this thread. Job done.

Neopolitan · 30/04/2023 09:01

I co-sign what Mammalys said.

PonyPatter44 · 30/04/2023 09:05

There are some ridiculous people on this thread who seem to think they are in AIBU. OP, I am so sorry your DH behaved like that towards you. It is completely unacceptable and horribly rude of him. Hopefully everyone else in his work group now thinks he's a complete dick.