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Original poster

Is he embarrassed by me?

461 replies

Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 01:09

So.... Not sure what to think so after opinions please... I went out with my sister in law for drinks, my husband was out with his work colleagues, we saw them and wend over to say hi, I introduced myself to them,, he was so cross and didn't speak to me and told me to F off as I was embarrassing him... We've been married for 8 years and together for 10. I'm not sure how to even take this reaction, never experienced it with him before. Some of his colleagues didn't even know about me, am I being 'over sensitive' or should I be seeing some red flags...

OP posts:
ScribblingPixie · 30/04/2023 11:06

I would generally not walk up to my partner if he was in the middle of a work thing, because you don't know the dynamic and he is in his 'professional zone'... after all, it's a work do and you weren't invited, so why would you gatecrash? If I did think of approaching , I'd
Move to an angle where I could catch his eye from a distance then get the 'green light' or if I didn't get a clear, positive sign, I would move on.

Presumably this is some reciprocal shared understanding between you and cuts both ways, otherwise the idea of waiting for a green light before you're 'allowed' to approach your partner is pretty sad. Surely, he'd at least come over to you to say hi or give you a wave?

VaddaABeetch · 30/04/2023 11:28

Janey Mack ‘reciprocal green light’???? Some people lead very complicated lives.

HoppingPavlova · 30/04/2023 11:29

@FuckNuggets This is just weird! @HoppingPavlova you wouldn't go over and say "Hi" if you saw your partner when you were out? Why on earth not

Because it’s not the done thing. If it’s not a situation where you are out with your DH/partner in a group where this is the accepted dynamic, then it’s not really acceptable. I’ve spent several decades with colleagues with occasional after work get togethers. Not once were spouses/partners invited as that’s odd. I wouldn’t want my spouse/partner to interject/gatecrash at all, let alone stay for an hour as per OP’s situation. Not just mine but any as it changes the dynamic. Also, as I stated before it screams red flags of stalking. I mean, what are the chances….. Even if a small town (and if THAT small, surely you would suss out where your partner/spouse is going to ensure not a clash), there’s more than one venue surely once you realise the situation. You don’t go gatecrash your spouses get together.

I’ve never pretended I’m not married, nor have any colleagues over the years. No one has acted inappropriately. People generally know the names of colleagues spouses/partners/kids but you don’t actually meet them. I’d not know any colleagues spouses/partners if I ever came across them and vice versa, and that’s the way it’s meant to be, anything else is odd and inappropriate.

ScribblingPixie · 30/04/2023 11:32

I’d not know any colleagues spouses/partners if I ever came across them and vice versa, and that’s the way it’s meant to be, anything else is odd and inappropriate.

That's nonsense.

TheMoops · 30/04/2023 11:34

I’d not know any colleagues spouses/partners if I ever came across them and vice versa, and that’s the way it’s meant to be, anything else is odd and inappropriate.

Why is it inappropriate?

HoppingPavlova · 30/04/2023 11:36

Should have been clearer. I do go out with DH and indeed my kids at times, but in appropriate situations with correct dynamics. That would never be a work social situation in any of my jobs over several decades.

MRex · 30/04/2023 11:37

It isn't "stalking" to say hello to your own DH. You share a home together! It's called "bumping into one another".

I've met loads of spouses/ partners, and lots of colleagues have met DH, because sometimes the colleague is getting picked up to go on to any event together or to go home, or they need to give one another a key, or because they just fancy a drink and it isn't work paying for the night. I've never seen someone tell their spouse to fuck off, and I'd be horrified about what kind of scum I was working with.

HoppingPavlova · 30/04/2023 11:39

Okay, it may be nonsense for you, but it would be heavily frowned upon with my experience of 40 odd years of work. Maybe that’s not the experience of you with your colleagues so good for you. It’s pretty obvious it immediately changes the dynamics of the situation where everyone has to modify conversation to fit ‘outsiders’ in etc.

HoppingPavlova · 30/04/2023 11:40

And absolutely, I’m not saying the OP’s DH was in any way correct telling her to fuck off, completely out of line and I wouldn’t tolerate it. I just wouldn’t put someone in that situation in the first place though.

AnonymousFemale2023 · 30/04/2023 11:42

This screams that hes never told any work colleagues about you and has more than likely played the “im single” card. How embarrassing for him!!!! Sorry op but i wonder what hes been up to

TheMoops · 30/04/2023 11:43

HoppingPavlova · 30/04/2023 11:36

Should have been clearer. I do go out with DH and indeed my kids at times, but in appropriate situations with correct dynamics. That would never be a work social situation in any of my jobs over several decades.

Just because you wouldn't do it doesn't make it wrong or inappropriate though.

I've worked at the same organisation for 16 years and a number of my colleagues are now friends. We've attended each others birthdays, weddings etc so of course have met partners. It would be considered more strange to hide a partner away.

Crikeyalmighty · 30/04/2023 11:44

@HoppingPavlova Yes I get you but a quick sidle pass , a smirk and a 'fancy seeing you here' takes all of 1 minute and is a totally different way of reacting. He was way OTT and actually the fact none were aware she even existed to me is a very big red flag - and much better that she's aware of it.

If the OP wandered over and then stood around expecting chit chat and attention that's a different kettle of fish

ScribblingPixie · 30/04/2023 11:46

Okay, it may be nonsense for you, but it would be heavily frowned upon with my experience of 40 odd years of work.

What profession is this?

Buildingthefuture · 30/04/2023 11:47

I’m sorry op, I think that’s weird AF! None of them knew about you or that he was married? Does he wear a wedding ring? I know lots of people don’t, but I don’t know how, in conversation he could have avoided mentioning you? Isn’t it just normal when talking about your weekend or whatever to say “we did xyz” or “wife’s name wants to go to abc”?
And I will often meet up with DH at the end of respective nights out with friends, that’s not weird! We also spent a few years working in the same sector but for different companies. At conferences etc He would quite often join me and colleagues for a drink or I would join him, no one thought it was strange.
He needs to be able to explain his “embarrassment”
op and as for “you know that I love you” you need to tell him to back the fuck off until he can explain exactly WHY he’s kept you a secret? I wouldn’t be rug sweeping this…..

HoppingPavlova · 30/04/2023 11:47

We form friendships and attend birthdays, weddings etc. But never with spouses/partners. Again, no one pretends they don’t have one or ‘hides them away’, it’s just considered not done in my circles. Pointing out it may be the same for OP’s husband? So while that may be normal for some, it’s not for others and who’s to say whose camp the OP’s DH resides in?

HoppingPavlova · 30/04/2023 11:49

If the OP wandered over and then stood around expecting chit chat and attention that's a different kettle of fish

I may be mistaken, but thought it was mentioned that she/SIL were with them for nearly an hour before exiting stage left.

Crikeyalmighty · 30/04/2023 12:07

@HoppingPavlova if that's the case, yes I think that's a bit off too. However who knows who was 'keeping' who- they may have been fascinated at this 'unknown of' wife

HeidiUpTheMountain · 30/04/2023 12:07

HoppingPavlova · 30/04/2023 11:49

If the OP wandered over and then stood around expecting chit chat and attention that's a different kettle of fish

I may be mistaken, but thought it was mentioned that she/SIL were with them for nearly an hour before exiting stage left.

You are mistaken. The OP and SIL stayed at the same venue for an hour, but once OP’s charming husband told her to fuck off after a short while, she did indeed fuck off to another area. Which is very forbearing of her. Mine would have been wearing his drink at that point.

FictionalCharacter · 30/04/2023 12:44

HarrietStyles · 29/04/2023 15:33

Did his colleagues say “Are you sure?” When you introduced yourself as his wife? If so this is the biggest 🚩 to me. If he’d just never mentioned you before, then the normal reaction would be “he never mentioned he had a wife” or “he kept that quiet”. The fact they asked if you were sure, suggests that what you are saying conflicts with what they believed to be the truth. He either said he is single or acts like he was single.

Show quote history

Yep. Hence his anger. He’s been caught out in a big lie.

monsteramunch · 30/04/2023 12:56

@HoppingPavlova

I may be mistaken, but thought it was mentioned that she/SIL were with them for nearly an hour before exiting stage left.

Yeah you've got muddled there. The hour in the place was after she moved away from her husband after he delightfully told her to fuck off. His colleagues followed her to the other area she moved to, presumably because they were mortified he was so horrible to her and humiliated her.

i was told to F off as soon as I got there, his colleagues asked who I was, I explained who. I could see he wasn't pleased I was there so me and SIL walked away to another area, they then came over and talked to us, male and female colleagues.

You say it would be frowned upon for someone to come and introduce themselves. I assume it's more frowned upon to be in the company of colleagues and be so unprofessional as to tell someone you know to 'fuck off' when they come to say hi, whether it's your wife or an acquaintance?

JeannieAlogy · 30/04/2023 14:30

HoppingPavlova · 30/04/2023 11:39

Okay, it may be nonsense for you, but it would be heavily frowned upon with my experience of 40 odd years of work. Maybe that’s not the experience of you with your colleagues so good for you. It’s pretty obvious it immediately changes the dynamics of the situation where everyone has to modify conversation to fit ‘outsiders’ in etc.

And you'd look favourably on someone telling their spouse to fuck off? Office politics are far more complicated than I thought.

JeannieAlogy · 30/04/2023 14:32

ApiratesaysYarrr · 29/04/2023 13:55

I should also say that I am pretty introverted, so would have been unlikely to be out myself, hahaha, and while I would have acknowledged him, probably wouldn't have wanted to go up to him when he was in a group of strangers, but also recognise that my thoughts/behaviour is outside the norm, and that for most other people, what you describe would have been a complete non-issue.

A non-issue being told to fuck off for no reason other than you saying hello to someone you are married to? OK then.

PaintedEgg · 30/04/2023 14:58

@HoppingPavlova this was an outside of a pub and it is bloody rude not to at least greet your acquaintance let alone your spouse. You don't even need to engage in a full blown conversation, just say hi! that's how normal people act

Littleworkaholic · 30/04/2023 15:06

HoppingPavlova · 30/04/2023 11:29

@FuckNuggets This is just weird! @HoppingPavlova you wouldn't go over and say "Hi" if you saw your partner when you were out? Why on earth not

Because it’s not the done thing. If it’s not a situation where you are out with your DH/partner in a group where this is the accepted dynamic, then it’s not really acceptable. I’ve spent several decades with colleagues with occasional after work get togethers. Not once were spouses/partners invited as that’s odd. I wouldn’t want my spouse/partner to interject/gatecrash at all, let alone stay for an hour as per OP’s situation. Not just mine but any as it changes the dynamic. Also, as I stated before it screams red flags of stalking. I mean, what are the chances….. Even if a small town (and if THAT small, surely you would suss out where your partner/spouse is going to ensure not a clash), there’s more than one venue surely once you realise the situation. You don’t go gatecrash your spouses get together.

I’ve never pretended I’m not married, nor have any colleagues over the years. No one has acted inappropriately. People generally know the names of colleagues spouses/partners/kids but you don’t actually meet them. I’d not know any colleagues spouses/partners if I ever came across them and vice versa, and that’s the way it’s meant to be, anything else is odd and inappropriate.

This is so utterly odd. They were out in a local bar socialising, not in the middle of a meeting. This rule you and your husband have made up in your own heads does not exist for nearly everyone else. It is not a thing.

If your husband is out with his work colleagues on the piss in a pub, which is what this was. It’s not just acceptable to say hi, it’s bloody rude not to. So weird to stand there pretending you don’t know each other, slink out, hide or wait for coded signals to get a green light, in this scenario.

its also so unutterably weird you’d think that a spouse out with friends going into the same pub was a stalker. Like who thinks like that as their go to.

who first made up this rule for you both, him or you? Because whomever it is has a bit of what the ops husband has going on.

WickedSerious · 30/04/2023 15:14

ScribblingPixie · 30/04/2023 11:46

Okay, it may be nonsense for you, but it would be heavily frowned upon with my experience of 40 odd years of work.

What profession is this?

International woman of mystery.