Is he embarrassed by me?

[Anonymous881]

So.... Not sure what to think so after opinions please... I went out with my sister in law for drinks, my husband was out with his work colleagues, we saw them and wend over to say hi, I introduced myself to them,, he was so cross and didn't speak to me and told me to F off as I was embarrassing him... We've been married for 8 years and together for 10. I'm not sure how to even take this reaction, never experienced it with him before. Some of his colleagues didn't even know about me, am I being 'over sensitive' or should I be seeing some red flags...

Who somehow manages to go to colleagues' weddings without meeting their spouses.

You can't get much more mysterious than that.

This.

That extreme/violent/vitriolic a reaction, combined with his work colleagues clearly not knowing he has a wife (who then sought her out to clarify who she is and reassure her she's not embarrassing etc. when they clarified she is indeed his wife).suggests intense, ground swallow me up level of embarrassment and shame for him; based on lying by omission about his wife (& child?) and being caught out in that.

He was caught out very suddenly and unexpectedly, he panicked anf became really angry etc. I would say the "fuck off" was the result of sheer panic and trying to keep op away from his table/self/work colleagues in the hope there would be no interaction that would reveal who she was. That obviously didn't work out for him.

The "you are embarassing" was a further panicked, angry attempt at getting her out of his vicinity where her identity and supporting facts were revealed and he'd be forced to acknowledge those facts.

Now the important question...... Why did he lie by omission to his work colleagues about op's existence (and his child's?) and why did being caught in that lie cause him to go into a state of sheer panic and anger??!!

Op, he's denied you ... And he was extremely panicky and angry when caught out in that.

I don't believe its just keeping work and home life separate. Lots of ppl keep those separate but they do not lie by omission about the existence of their spouses. It's the most natural thing in the world to mention them in passing when making small talk or speaking about practical arrangements.
That would not be in any way normal by even the most private, discrete work colleague.

The work home balance thing is total BS.

Balance means how much time and energy you expend in those two things. Absolutely nothing to do with the totally normal, natural acknowledgement of your spouse and any kids.

(to everyone inc your work colleagues).

So if your husband or you goes to a colleagues wedding or birthday party you go solo and don’t bring your spouse?

is this what your husband has led you to believe is normal?

Hes lied about having a wife for a reason.

He wants to appear/be thought of as single.

I can't think of many, in fact any, good reasons for that.

When he says you embarassed him/he's embarassed... What he actually means is that your presence/existence caused him massive embarrassment..... And the reason for that embarrassment was spelled out in big letters for you by his confounded, confused, curious (and then sympathetic) work colleagues; that they didn't know about the existence of his wife.

(There could be worse than that; that they think he has another partner/s).

Did they know he has a child or did he deny your child's existence too. If he didnt, what had he told them about the child's mother? That he's not with her?

*what has he told them about the child's mother?

How does this make any sense?

Why would you attend a colleague's wedding?

You've just said spouses should never be involved with you work but then you've just said you attend colleague's birthdays and weddings. Do they not have their spouse there too at their own birthday and own wedding?

You'd failed to mention what profession this is?

Is your spouse's profession the same way?

When XH2 and I were (I thought) trying to sort our relationship out, one of the places we went was a restaurant local to where we lived. It was nice, we'd both been there before with various friends. The staff seemed to recognise him more than me but were showing a surprisingly lively interest in me.

When I went to the loo, a small, nervous-looking delegation of staff waited for me to come out. They told me XH was there every week with ... a lady they had thought was his wife 😡 A couple of questions clarified who she was (the suspected OW, of course).

He was such a twat! It was brave of the staff to do that; I hope I wasn't too upset to let them know how grateful I was, and still am.

I am VERY curious to know what sort of "work circles" integrate enough to go to each other's birthday parties and weddings, but without colleagues' spouses

and whose idea was this obviously made up social rule

Do they not have their spouse there too at their own birthday and own wedding?

You would kind of hope they bring their spouses to their weddings 😂 Maybe, in their profession, the betrothed disappears as soon as they've signed the register & becomes a spouse.

That was very good of them. Most people just take the "not our problem, stay out of it" approach. In fact that gets advised all the time here on MN. People are actually criticized and accused of all sorts of considering telling a betrayed spouse they're being betrayed.

So come on OP @Anonymous881 what has he said?? Did you follow up with him?

There's something about the dynamic between you two at the time of this incident, and since, that makes me think the dynamic of your relationships is fucked.

And by fucked, I mean, the balance of power lies very much with him. And he thinks it/knows it

Otherwise I can't imagine how things have transpired last night and today.

*relationship

I don't know why some people are trying to make out the OP stalked him there or why they are saying she shouldn't have gone over to greet him and they would never do something like that etc.
Surely you've been out in town before and a random friend/relative/acquaintance has happened to come into the same bar and walk over and greet you? It's rude not to acknowledge someone. You don't have to go and sit down and gatecrash their group - but saying hello, brief small talk is surely normal.
If it hadn't been this charming man's wife, say it had been his brother or a cousin or a friend, would he have told them to fuck off and that they were embarrassing him. Very much doubt it. He would have said to the group, oh this is my cousin Jim, brief small talk, Jim goes and sits somewhere else in the bar with whoever he came with.
OP did absolutely nothing wrong. Nor did my theoretical Jim.

@HoppingPavlova I think you have a very strange take on all this. There have been numerous times throughout my marriage when my husband and I have been out separately with friends or co-workers and we've bumped into each other. Sometimes our groups will mesh and become one big one, other times we'll interact for a bit and we'll go our separate ways. Never has there been a time when we've just completely ignored each other if we've bumped into each other. THAT would be weird and hurtful.

I hope the OP is okay. I can’t imagine how devastating it is to be publicly disowned and humiliated like that. No whataboutery excuses his behaviour. Wishing her every strength.

I know. My heart went out to OP when she said she was proud of him and shows him off.

Someone who loves and respects you would never humiliate you like that.

Whatever happens, he has absolutely ruined his reputation at work.

Wtf would anyone think of their colleague suddenly telling a woman who approached their table, having walked past on a night out (and who was not drunk or acting aggressively or weirdly) to fuck off and then telling her she's embarassing ..... To see such aggressive and derogatory behaviour from a man to a woman and then To find out she's his wife and mother of his child!!

Whom he's failed to mention in ? Show long working with them.

Their behaviour goes to show they were shocked and sympathetic to her; following her to where she went to sit and asking her to.vlearofg who.dhe was and then reassuring her she's not embarassing.

I'd like to know what the sil thought of all this.

In any case, his rep (even if there's not more to this on terms of why he's omitted to mention his wife (and child?) is now shot to pieces. I can imagine io looked she'll.shjvked, horrified and distressed as anyone would. That's why the colleagues went over to her.

Op, if your male work colleague caused a scene like that; what would you think.of him?

That's what you need to keep in mind when listening to her h's bullshit "keeping work and home life separate" excuses

*Whom he's failed to mention in (?) how long working with them.

His behaviour is completely abnormal op; there is no excuse for it.

And I'd be concerned about why he had omitted to mention a spouse (and child?) to his work colleagues, and why his reaction to seeing he'd be imminently found out was so extreme.

He humiliated himself, really, the OP didn't do anything wrong did she? She will no longer be proud of him, more ashamed now, he's a nasty wet lettuce.

@Anonymous881 any update