Page 5 | DH burst through a locked door. In also to blame

Burstdoor · 2023-04-28T17:43:24+00:00

Just trying to get this all down fairly quickly after it has happened. I'm upstairs needing a quiet five mins and my head is all over the place. Our son 3.5 is a poo witholder and it is particularly bad right now. I am absolutely exhausted right now, and I guess I'm just so fed up with the witholding that I just lost patience. So I had DS on the toilet and I showed him the poo goes to pooland app. My son was getting upset even watching it because he would likely do a poo if he did. So he was crying and saying he wanted daddy. Usually we give him 10 mins of sitting time then take him off. But I felt DS was sooooo close to pooping that I went and locked the door so my husband couldn't come in and take our son off the toilet. Son was crying for daddy saying he wanted off. DH tried the door and found it to be locked. He told me to unlock it and I said no. Next thing I know he has punched the door in and the sort of frame where the lock was joine to has broken off the doorway. Obviously this was scary to DS who was crying a lot at this point. I took ds off the toilet and there was a bit of soft poop around his bum so got it cleaned but I'm so fucked off because clearly he was close to doing a full poo and this whole episode has fucked it now AND our son is confused as to why daddy broke the door. We downplayed the whole thing and have said daddy is naughty. DH has apologised. But I messaged my mum and she's just telling me both are in the wrong. I feel like, yes my action of locking the door and refusing to unlock it wasn't great but that doesn't mean it's ok to fucking smash through it in desperation to get to DS?

Plbrookes · 28/04/2023 19:44

OP - how would you feel if your child was distressed and someone locked you out to prevent you comforting him? Your DH might not be a perfect husband but he sounds like a good father.

Willmafrockfit · 28/04/2023 19:44

poor little boy

does he drink plenty of fluids?
have you been referred to anyone?

ActDottie · 28/04/2023 19:45

I think you are both in the wrong. You locking the door and your husband punching it.

Instead of locking the door I would’ve just closed it, then your husband could’ve popped his head round the door you could’ve said “nearly there, you’re not needed” and all would’ve been a lot calmer.

I agree with others though that you’re making this poo thing into a bigger deal than it is which probably isn’t helping your son.

Rochyella84 · 28/04/2023 19:45

I just wanted to say that whilst both of you acted poorly here, I’ve been in your shoes and it’s hell. The stress of a child who withholds is so hard to explain. We used to not be able to go out. My son held for 3 weeks at its worst and we were on 8 sachets a day to tackle it. I send you a lot of empathy and want you to know it gets better. My son is now 8 and about 6 months ago he came off Laxido for good.

Original poster

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:46

Mummylookatme · 28/04/2023 19:43

I sympathise with you, its exhausting, frustrating, takes over your life...you'll try anything to help them. In case this helps you, our super helpful HV suggested a cranial osteopath for my DD after trying and failing with the usual solutions. He worked wonders, 4 sessions and introducing daily probiotics and we've never had an issue since! Might be worth a try :-)

Thanks for the tip. I do buy actimel and D's was drinking then and I'm sure I noticed a change for the positive. This was around the time he was pooing once a day in January.
We do still have some but Ds hasn't been as in to them as much but I'll look into a different kind. And I'll look up a cranial osteopath. Anything to help at this stage..

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Mummyoflittledragon · 28/04/2023 19:46

I can understand why you didn’t say anything to your husband as talking to him could have made matters worse and disrupted the process. Your husband is not some kind of saviour from bad mummy and from a woman’s perspective he sounds pretty scary. A pp suggested that you switch roles. Not a bad idea. You can play good cop for a change.

Justhereforthebotox · 28/04/2023 19:46

Op, going forward, you and your DH need to have an agreement on how to handle similar situations. You both seem to have slightly different cut off points for when to ease off your son so you need to get those points in line. Maybe have a special word that lets your DH know that your ds is close and to give him just a couple of minutes over what he normally would. And equally you need to reassure your DH that you won’t push too far.
We had something similar with food. Ds refused, point blank, to ever try anything new, and I would always want to push just a fraction further than my DH when I knew he was close to trying something.
The only real damage will be if your ds sees you fighting over him. As long as you’re both on the same page a bit more pushing or a bit less pushing won’t make much difference (within reason, of course).

OCDmama · 28/04/2023 19:46

I can see both of your POVs. I would go out of my mind if my DH locked the door and refused access, but we have problems with constipation here too and after 10 days almost having a poo feels like getting to the holy grail.

I think people underestimate constipation/poo withholding in children and the effects. It takes over your life almost, becomes all you can think about. It's so anxiety inducing.

Original poster

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:46

Rochyella84 · 28/04/2023 19:45

I just wanted to say that whilst both of you acted poorly here, I’ve been in your shoes and it’s hell. The stress of a child who withholds is so hard to explain. We used to not be able to go out. My son held for 3 weeks at its worst and we were on 8 sachets a day to tackle it. I send you a lot of empathy and want you to know it gets better. My son is now 8 and about 6 months ago he came off Laxido for good.

Thank you. It really is a totally different world.

That's amazing and well done to your DS. That must be such a relief!!

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Original poster

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:48

OCDmama · 28/04/2023 19:46

I can see both of your POVs. I would go out of my mind if my DH locked the door and refused access, but we have problems with constipation here too and after 10 days almost having a poo feels like getting to the holy grail.

I think people underestimate constipation/poo withholding in children and the effects. It takes over your life almost, becomes all you can think about. It's so anxiety inducing.

Exactly and for some reason this week I have really really let it get to me. Maybe DH has too and this is the result so we definitely need to talk it out and get on same page

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Original poster

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:48

Justhereforthebotox · 28/04/2023 19:46

Op, going forward, you and your DH need to have an agreement on how to handle similar situations. You both seem to have slightly different cut off points for when to ease off your son so you need to get those points in line. Maybe have a special word that lets your DH know that your ds is close and to give him just a couple of minutes over what he normally would. And equally you need to reassure your DH that you won’t push too far.
We had something similar with food. Ds refused, point blank, to ever try anything new, and I would always want to push just a fraction further than my DH when I knew he was close to trying something.
The only real damage will be if your ds sees you fighting over him. As long as you’re both on the same page a bit more pushing or a bit less pushing won’t make much difference (within reason, of course).

Yes I absolutely agree

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TheCovidHalfStone · 28/04/2023 19:49

I highly recommend microenemas with a sweet/phone time as a reward.
I would find that level of violence unacceptable unless he genuinely believed harm was going to come to his son. And by harm I don’t mean a child being forced to do something not inherently harmful, in their own interests. Annoyed and shouting yes, smashing things up no.

RudsyFarmer · 28/04/2023 19:49

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:32

No, there isn't. DH does trust me, I've never done anything to our son. If you knew me you would see I am very patient and kind. This one post doesn't define me and the reason I am posting is because I am so sad about it all.

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I cannot imagine any circumstances where either myself or my partner would break a door to take over parenting our kids. It’s completely bizarre and if you don’t think so there’s something very very wrong here.

Overthinkingnotdrinking · 28/04/2023 19:50

I feel for you. My son was a withholder and it was so stressful. I cried and got frustrated so many times. The most challenging parenting experience I’ve had. Referral to a gastro was the only thing that helped :( hope you and your son are ok. Your DH was crazy.

Original poster

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:50

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/04/2023 19:46

I can understand why you didn’t say anything to your husband as talking to him could have made matters worse and disrupted the process. Your husband is not some kind of saviour from bad mummy and from a woman’s perspective he sounds pretty scary. A pp suggested that you switch roles. Not a bad idea. You can play good cop for a change.

Yes it was the interruption I didn't want to happen!

Yep I think you and a pp are correct he can give it a go.

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Viviennemary · 28/04/2023 19:50

Your action were entirely wrong here in the way you dealt with the situation.

HollyFern1110 · 28/04/2023 19:51

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 28/04/2023 18:55

Also take him to the doctors he clearly needs laxido or movicol or something similar.

No not necessarily. Both of my autistic children used to withhold poo until around age 5. They would happily have a wee on the toilet but would only poo in a nappy.

Original poster

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:51

RudsyFarmer · 28/04/2023 19:49

I cannot imagine any circumstances where either myself or my partner would break a door to take over parenting our kids. It’s completely bizarre and if you don’t think so there’s something very very wrong here.

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Well yeh, I think it's crazy, not right. Even if I took the wrong action to lock it, he chose to smash the lock through. I will be talking to DH after Ds is asleep.

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Rochyella84 · 28/04/2023 19:51

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:46

Thank you. It really is a totally different world.

That's amazing and well done to your DS. That must be such a relief!!

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Truly. And the posters criticising you likely have no idea what it’s like. No matter how hard I tried to be chilled with my son I inevitably ended up on my knees begging him and sobbing and just losing it totally. I don’t think I’ve ever been more stressed in my life.

It is a relief. We ended up seeing a paediatrician who really drove home that we needed to get up to 8 sachets so that he wasn’t able to physically hold it and after several days of this to clear him we could reduce. We had a lot of ups and downs and increasing then decreasing over the years and we still have occasional meltdowns if he thinks a poo is a bit hard, but it is barely an issue in our lives now. There is a great Facebook group movicol mummies which helped me at the worst points.

Original poster

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:53

TheCovidHalfStone · 28/04/2023 19:49

I highly recommend microenemas with a sweet/phone time as a reward.
I would find that level of violence unacceptable unless he genuinely believed harm was going to come to his son. And by harm I don’t mean a child being forced to do something not inherently harmful, in their own interests. Annoyed and shouting yes, smashing things up no.

On a 3yr old though? How does it work?!
It's totally unacceptable, absolutely and I feel so sick ds witnessed it. The whole thing

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TheMarsian · 28/04/2023 19:54

I feel for you @Burstdoor
dc2 had huge issues with constipation too. As a result, he wasn’t eating well, was tired and it actually slowed his growth too.
dc was clearly uncomfortable too.

can I ask if the ‘poo app’ you are using is one recommended by your consultant/advice from other parents?
it seems that your dd knows it’s working but doesn’t want it to work iyswim.
I agree with OP who said you need to see your GP asap.
But I have to say, seeing that he went through a phase of having a poo a day, I’m wondering if there isn’t something else other than fear.
in the mean time, children probiotics can be helpful too.

Megifer · 28/04/2023 19:54

Sorry if I missed anyone else asking but is your DH usually violent or overreacts like this? Very worrying.

gypsytrampandthief · 28/04/2023 19:54

Also have been in your shoes and it's so, so worrying. When you have a child with a distended stomach, who is pale and looks unwell and can't eat anything, when you can't leave the house with them because they become so distressed if they feel the urge.... all that is bad enough then throw in helpful comments from friends and family like "just don't make a big deal out of it and it will happen....." Like we never thought of that!

LysHastighed · 28/04/2023 19:55

You aren’t both in the wrong. One of you did something a little odd (locking the door) and one of you did something completely deranged (breaking the door down). You did what you did with good intentions, to help your child. It sounds like your husband did it to punish or frighten you. These things are not the same.

TheMarsian · 28/04/2023 19:55

Btw I think
you need an agreement with your dh. Whoever is dealing with your dd is doing it until the end. No calling daddy (or mummy).
Snd you need an agreement on what you are doing. Your dh coming to the next consultation could be helpful in that