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Original poster

DH burst through a locked door. In also to blame

407 replies

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 18:43

Just trying to get this all down fairly quickly after it has happened. I'm upstairs needing a quiet five mins and my head is all over the place.

Our son 3.5 is a poo witholder and it is particularly bad right now. I am absolutely exhausted right now, and I guess I'm just so fed up with the witholding that I just lost patience.

So I had DS on the toilet and I showed him the poo goes to pooland app. My son was getting upset even watching it because he would likely do a poo if he did. So he was crying and saying he wanted daddy. Usually we give him 10 mins of sitting time then take him off. But I felt DS was sooooo close to pooping that I went and locked the door so my husband couldn't come in and take our son off the toilet. Son was crying for daddy saying he wanted off. DH tried the door and found it to be locked. He told me to unlock it and I said no.
Next thing I know he has punched the door in and the sort of frame where the lock was joine to has broken off the doorway.
Obviously this was scary to DS who was crying a lot at this point. I took ds off the toilet and there was a bit of soft poop around his bum so got it cleaned but I'm so fucked off because clearly he was close to doing a full poo and this whole episode has fucked it now AND our son is confused as to why daddy broke the door.
We downplayed the whole thing and have said daddy is naughty. DH has apologised.
But I messaged my mum and she's just telling me both are in the wrong.
I feel like, yes my action of locking the door and refusing to unlock it wasn't great but that doesn't mean it's ok to fucking smash through it in desperation to get to DS?

OP posts:
Boomboom22 · 28/04/2023 19:30

I cannot believe the replies. He sounds like a crazy man breaking down the door! Not pooing for 10 days is actually serious and not a matter of daddy to the rescue, never mind poo in a week! Poo is toxic too. I know you are upping the regime, I assume under a Dr, if not please see your gp.or paediatrics or even a and e asap. Especially if his stomach is distended. My friends girl had this and actually it was an undiagnosed weak heart that meant she wasn't strong enough to push. She was a little older than your boy. When they scanned her the poo was huge but they also saw her heart and she was in for surgery for both.

babyproblems · 28/04/2023 19:30

I’ve no experience with toilet training but I’m a bit shocked you’re taking it to such extremes… there sounds like a lot of pressure on your son to get this right and I’m not surprised he is finding it really really stressful! Seems like a major public performance aswell. Why is he refusing to go?? What is he saying when you ask him that. I really think he needs more space and a lot less pressure. I don’t think I’d be able to go under these circumstances either tbh!!! You’re both in the wrong I agree. You’re too much pressure and your DH should def not have broken a door unless someone was in danger. I would do whatever you need to at this point to reduce all pressure on your son.

Iminthemoneylife · 28/04/2023 19:30

You were both in the wrong.

One sachet of movicol is a low maintenance dose. He clearly needs more than that. You need some
good medical advice, parenting support and DH needs anger management help.

MichaelAndEagle · 28/04/2023 19:30

As I said earlier we are both to blame. A pp is correct that children do ask for the other parents when they don't get their way with the other. I felt like that's what was happening tonight.

This is what I think happened too, and understand why you locked the door, even if in hindsight you probably shouldn't have.

Love all the posters helpfully pointing out you should see a doctor like you haven't already thought of that.

I think a word with DH to check you are on the same page with the plan, and make sure he is not undermining you.

Must be so frustrating if you felt DS was close

nocoolnamesleft · 28/04/2023 19:32

The poor child desperately needs a full disimpaction regime. Faffing about with one or two sachets isn't going to get anywhere. www.eric.org.uk

Home - ERIC

With your help, we can keep offering free support to those who need us.

http://www.eric.org.uk

Original poster
Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:32

RudsyFarmer · 28/04/2023 19:26

There’s a deeper level of interaction here that’s disturbing. The reason your husband broke the door is because he doesn’t trust you. What have you done that’s made him fear for the well-being of his child so much?

No, there isn't. DH does trust me, I've never done anything to our son. If you knew me you would see I am very patient and kind. This one post doesn't define me and the reason I am posting is because I am so sad about it all.

OP posts:
Womencanlift · 28/04/2023 19:32

Well you have you just made a bad situation even worse. Next time your son is sitting on the toilet he is going to remember being locked in by his mum and his dad smashing the door in

Not very likely he will want to go to the toilet at all now after that experience

YukoandHiro · 28/04/2023 19:33

Put the child in a nappy to poo until he's ready to accept the toilet.

You both need some support with your anxiety about your child - it's clear you're both struggling from what happened here

Original poster
Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:33

Iminthemoneylife · 28/04/2023 19:30

You were both in the wrong.

One sachet of movicol is a low maintenance dose. He clearly needs more than that. You need some
good medical advice, parenting support and DH needs anger management help.

One sachet is what we got to. Previously he was on four and we managed to decide down to one. But since he hasn't pooped we have increased to 4 plus lactulose and increase his water intake buy making sure we have large ice lollies and watermelon etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:33

YukoandHiro · 28/04/2023 19:33

Put the child in a nappy to poo until he's ready to accept the toilet.

You both need some support with your anxiety about your child - it's clear you're both struggling from what happened here

He won't poo in nappy either though.

OP posts:
UnsureSchool32 · 28/04/2023 19:34

I know it sounds odd but could you have text your DH and said look we’re really close give us 5 mins, or even just gone outside and said give us 5 mins?

sounds so difficult we had a toddler who would hold poo, in the end we gave her an iPad to sit on the loo as long as she wanted and stopped bananas!

Original poster
Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:35

@babyproblems it's not toilet training. It's witholding. Maybe related to an episode of constipation he is now scared it will be sore.

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 28/04/2023 19:35

Ds crying for dad who is locked out while he is locked in isn't great. You shouldn't have done that, even if dh would have taken him off the toilet/distracted him. It should have been a conversation later on "dont get involved when ds tryong to poo stay out the way so ds stays on toilet"

Dh was absolutely unreasonable to break the door.

Sounds stressful for you all hopefully resolved soon.

Original poster
Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:35

UnsureSchool32 · 28/04/2023 19:34

I know it sounds odd but could you have text your DH and said look we’re really close give us 5 mins, or even just gone outside and said give us 5 mins?

sounds so difficult we had a toddler who would hold poo, in the end we gave her an iPad to sit on the loo as long as she wanted and stopped bananas!

Yes I could have and should have!

If we give Ds the phone he watches cartoons happily but he zones out so doesn't remember to push

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 28/04/2023 19:35

If he's had constipation since he was a baby ask for an assessment for Hirschsprung's disease. It's usually diagnosed as a newborn but I wasn't til I was 3

Tarantullah · 28/04/2023 19:36

It's frustrating, worrying and scary when your little one won't poo, I do agree with your mum though that it sounds like you're both in the wrong really albeit can see that you had good intentions. You will create more issues around pooing by getting him distressed. Your DH however had a very extreme reaction, does he often explode like this?

Original poster
Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:37

Boomboom22 · 28/04/2023 19:30

I cannot believe the replies. He sounds like a crazy man breaking down the door! Not pooing for 10 days is actually serious and not a matter of daddy to the rescue, never mind poo in a week! Poo is toxic too. I know you are upping the regime, I assume under a Dr, if not please see your gp.or paediatrics or even a and e asap. Especially if his stomach is distended. My friends girl had this and actually it was an undiagnosed weak heart that meant she wasn't strong enough to push. She was a little older than your boy. When they scanned her the poo was huge but they also saw her heart and she was in for surgery for both.

I do wonder about DS. He seems pale and if he runs he gets tired fairly quickly..
I am going to go back to GP and ask for more investigations

OP posts:
Els1e · 28/04/2023 19:38

All sounds ver stressful. Daily kiwi fruit is great for getting things moving. It’s worked well for our family members prone to constipation

ArseMenagerie · 28/04/2023 19:39

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:32

No, there isn't. DH does trust me, I've never done anything to our son. If you knew me you would see I am very patient and kind. This one post doesn't define me and the reason I am posting is because I am so sad about it all.

Show quote history

So why lock the door?

supersop60 · 28/04/2023 19:40

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:35

@babyproblems it's not toilet training. It's witholding. Maybe related to an episode of constipation he is now scared it will be sore.

Having had constipation twice in my life, I can understand this. It's awfully painful passing that first motion after a laxative.

Original poster
Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:41

Tarantullah · 28/04/2023 19:36

It's frustrating, worrying and scary when your little one won't poo, I do agree with your mum though that it sounds like you're both in the wrong really albeit can see that you had good intentions. You will create more issues around pooing by getting him distressed. Your DH however had a very extreme reaction, does he often explode like this?

No! Never. He is kind and generous very patient etc same as me so it is really totally out of character for us to act like this.
I do think it's is both of us being worried and stressed about the whole thing

OP posts:
Stillcountingbeans · 28/04/2023 19:42

Never mind the medical issue with DS.

The real issue is why on earth DH felt the need to break the door down. That is a seriously extreme over-the-top reaction.

I suspect you felt you had to lock the door because you knew that DH constantly undermines you, and over-reacts to his son crying.

You need to have a conversation about how he should not swoop in and play the "rescuer" just because DS is crying for him - it is bad for the child who will be learning how manipulation works and how to play one parent off against the other, and it is also very bad for your relationship with your son as he will observe that you lose authority to DH, who doesn't respect you as a parent.

Original poster
Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:43

ArseMenagerie · 28/04/2023 19:39

So why lock the door?

Show quote history

Because DH heard Ds crying for daddy. DH would come in and whip him off the toilet. I was certain the poo was about to come so I just stood up locked the door. I didn't really think about it I just thought I didn't want him to be interrupted. Even the door opening would have distracted him

OP posts:
Mummylookatme · 28/04/2023 19:43

I sympathise with you, its exhausting, frustrating, takes over your life...you'll try anything to help them. In case this helps you, our super helpful HV suggested a cranial osteopath for my DD after trying and failing with the usual solutions. He worked wonders, 4 sessions and introducing daily probiotics and we've never had an issue since! Might be worth a try :-)

Original poster
Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:44

Stillcountingbeans · 28/04/2023 19:42

Never mind the medical issue with DS.

The real issue is why on earth DH felt the need to break the door down. That is a seriously extreme over-the-top reaction.

I suspect you felt you had to lock the door because you knew that DH constantly undermines you, and over-reacts to his son crying.

You need to have a conversation about how he should not swoop in and play the "rescuer" just because DS is crying for him - it is bad for the child who will be learning how manipulation works and how to play one parent off against the other, and it is also very bad for your relationship with your son as he will observe that you lose authority to DH, who doesn't respect you as a parent.

On the whole we are usually on the same page but I do think DH is super quick to come to DS if he is crying.
I will be asking DH why he thought he had to do that once Ds is asleep

OP posts: