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Original poster

DH burst through a locked door. In also to blame

407 replies

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 18:43

Just trying to get this all down fairly quickly after it has happened. I'm upstairs needing a quiet five mins and my head is all over the place.

Our son 3.5 is a poo witholder and it is particularly bad right now. I am absolutely exhausted right now, and I guess I'm just so fed up with the witholding that I just lost patience.

So I had DS on the toilet and I showed him the poo goes to pooland app. My son was getting upset even watching it because he would likely do a poo if he did. So he was crying and saying he wanted daddy. Usually we give him 10 mins of sitting time then take him off. But I felt DS was sooooo close to pooping that I went and locked the door so my husband couldn't come in and take our son off the toilet. Son was crying for daddy saying he wanted off. DH tried the door and found it to be locked. He told me to unlock it and I said no.
Next thing I know he has punched the door in and the sort of frame where the lock was joine to has broken off the doorway.
Obviously this was scary to DS who was crying a lot at this point. I took ds off the toilet and there was a bit of soft poop around his bum so got it cleaned but I'm so fucked off because clearly he was close to doing a full poo and this whole episode has fucked it now AND our son is confused as to why daddy broke the door.
We downplayed the whole thing and have said daddy is naughty. DH has apologised.
But I messaged my mum and she's just telling me both are in the wrong.
I feel like, yes my action of locking the door and refusing to unlock it wasn't great but that doesn't mean it's ok to fucking smash through it in desperation to get to DS?

OP posts:
NewNormalLife · 28/04/2023 19:56

eurgh why do grown adults call it pooh. it's poo!

not winnie the pooh

Original poster
Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:56

Rochyella84 · 28/04/2023 19:51

Truly. And the posters criticising you likely have no idea what it’s like. No matter how hard I tried to be chilled with my son I inevitably ended up on my knees begging him and sobbing and just losing it totally. I don’t think I’ve ever been more stressed in my life.

It is a relief. We ended up seeing a paediatrician who really drove home that we needed to get up to 8 sachets so that he wasn’t able to physically hold it and after several days of this to clear him we could reduce. We had a lot of ups and downs and increasing then decreasing over the years and we still have occasional meltdowns if he thinks a poo is a bit hard, but it is barely an issue in our lives now. There is a great Facebook group movicol mummies which helped me at the worst points.

Show quote history

Thanks for the group I will deffo look for support there!

I do think as some PPS have pointed out that maybe we should have increased the sachets. We agreed on 4 I guess because he was on one up to recently 3 or 4 seems like a lot but clearly isn't enough.

OP posts:
MichaelAndEagle · 28/04/2023 19:56

LysHastighed · 28/04/2023 19:55

You aren’t both in the wrong. One of you did something a little odd (locking the door) and one of you did something completely deranged (breaking the door down). You did what you did with good intentions, to help your child. It sounds like your husband did it to punish or frighten you. These things are not the same.

I do think OP is having a hard time here.
I can totally understand why you locked the door.
His reaction was crazy.

BitchBrigade · 28/04/2023 19:57

This reply has been deleted

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Backstreets · 28/04/2023 19:58

Sounds like a very stressful sort of situation that's been wearing at you both, you were both in the wrong but you both acknowledge it. Nobody's perfect, especially when tired and under stress. I doubt the episode will affect your son in any way, and I hope a resolution in the near future.

MichaelAndEagle · 28/04/2023 19:59

@BitchBrigade said it better!

thespottedunicorn · 28/04/2023 19:59

I disagree. Your mother thought you were both in the wrong and you were both out of order. OP you keep deflecting and only reply to posters who agree with you. I do wonder if your husband runs to his mother to when he thinks you are out of order.
So many posters have expressed concern at your behaviour but you are deflecting it all onto your husband. You keep saying you are going to tell off your husband tonight. I think you need to also have a word with yourself.

BitchBrigade · 28/04/2023 20:01

Also, when abusive men test the waters of what their wife will accept like this it will only get worse. No normal, sane man would smash a door down in this situation and now he will see what other boundaries he can push.

It makes me wonder how your DH is in general OP. Really think about how he behaves and think back on if there is anything else he has done like this you have brushed off because your Mum gave you bad advice. Because if he is controlling day to day then that might actually your DS issue, regardless if they play nicely after an incident (because most kids and abused partners do after being abused).

thespottedunicorn · 28/04/2023 20:01

I also wonder how posters would react to a Dad locking a mother out of a room because he thought he could deal with a situation better than her. There would be outrage.

Original poster
Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 20:01

TheMarsian · 28/04/2023 19:54

I feel for you @Burstdoor
dc2 had huge issues with constipation too. As a result, he wasn’t eating well, was tired and it actually slowed his growth too.
dc was clearly uncomfortable too.

can I ask if the ‘poo app’ you are using is one recommended by your consultant/advice from other parents?
it seems that your dd knows it’s working but doesn’t want it to work iyswim.
I agree with OP who said you need to see your GP asap.
But I have to say, seeing that he went through a phase of having a poo a day, I’m wondering if there isn’t something else other than fear.
in the mean time, children probiotics can be helpful too.

Sorry this thread is moving fast so I'm missing posts.

The pooland app was suggested to me by a parent of a witholder. The very first time I showed D's he pooped as we watched it. Then ever since he doesn't really want to watch it but I can usually appease him when he presses the button to make the poo giggle.

Because he did do a poo a day we think he was scared and then did so many soft poos his fear was dwindling. And then when he was ill maybe he didn't drink enough and did get constipated do the fear is back again. I think! I'm not sure

OP posts:
rumpsteak · 28/04/2023 20:02

This reply has been deleted

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Reallybadidea · 28/04/2023 20:03

Some of the replies on this thread blaming the OP for her husband's violence are appalling. Absolutely chilling.

Anyway, OP - much love and sympathy. I haven't had a poo-witholding child but I can totally understand how desperate and frustrated it must make you feel. I think your husband crossed a line though in becoming physically violent.

I can't add to the practical advice you've been given, but I didn't want to read and run without sending virtual hugs, it sounds like you're at a very low point Flowers

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 28/04/2023 20:05

WilkinsonM · 28/04/2023 18:58

Why couldn't you use your words to explain that to your husband instead of locking the door? This is so dysfunctional. Both of you!

Show quote history

This. Why would you not just communicate calmly with your husband.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 28/04/2023 20:05

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 28/04/2023 19:11

Deep breath op.

Obviously both you and your dh are caring parents and we all fuck up even the self preening wonderful parents on this thread.

But you both need to chill a bit. Look at this way you won't need a poo app when he's 5/6!. These problems iron out to get new ones that's parenthood.

Keep calm both of you and dial the emotion down.

Your son will be absolutely
fine. He's 3!!

Yes.

Original poster
Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 20:06

BitchBrigade · 28/04/2023 20:01

Also, when abusive men test the waters of what their wife will accept like this it will only get worse. No normal, sane man would smash a door down in this situation and now he will see what other boundaries he can push.

It makes me wonder how your DH is in general OP. Really think about how he behaves and think back on if there is anything else he has done like this you have brushed off because your Mum gave you bad advice. Because if he is controlling day to day then that might actually your DS issue, regardless if they play nicely after an incident (because most kids and abused partners do after being abused).

And this is the bit I am concerned about. Because if DH locked me out I'd probably be angry but I certainly wouldn't try and smash the door down.

I have definitely thought at times "DH won't like that" but he is is generally a kind and caring and patient man.
Only one time I can remember being shocked and scared was when he made a kind of growl at me when we had ds2 and both of us were tired. I think I was trying to get my opinion over to him and he just lurched over the bed, crazy eyes and made a growl to me.

That was about a year ago. Nothing before or after. We've been together 10 years.

OP posts:
Plbrookes · 28/04/2023 20:06

Reallybadidea · 28/04/2023 20:03

Some of the replies on this thread blaming the OP for her husband's violence are appalling. Absolutely chilling.

Anyway, OP - much love and sympathy. I haven't had a poo-witholding child but I can totally understand how desperate and frustrated it must make you feel. I think your husband crossed a line though in becoming physically violent.

I can't add to the practical advice you've been given, but I didn't want to read and run without sending virtual hugs, it sounds like you're at a very low point Flowers

Some of the replies on here blaming the father for caring about his child are absolutely chilling. I hope they're not from people who have actually had children!

willWillSmithsmith · 28/04/2023 20:06

I don’t think you should even have a lock on the door when you have a young child. We never did in case one of them decided to lock themselves in.

Original poster
Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 20:07

Reallybadidea · 28/04/2023 20:03

Some of the replies on this thread blaming the OP for her husband's violence are appalling. Absolutely chilling.

Anyway, OP - much love and sympathy. I haven't had a poo-witholding child but I can totally understand how desperate and frustrated it must make you feel. I think your husband crossed a line though in becoming physically violent.

I can't add to the practical advice you've been given, but I didn't want to read and run without sending virtual hugs, it sounds like you're at a very low point Flowers

Thank you. I too think the smashing crossed a line.

I am at a low point. And so is DH I guess.

OP posts:
Plbrookes · 28/04/2023 20:07

willWillSmithsmith · 28/04/2023 20:06

I don’t think you should even have a lock on the door when you have a young child. We never did in case one of them decided to lock themselves in.

Good point - we had a bolt at the top of the door so they couldn't reach it till they were much older!

Bulbnotbolb · 28/04/2023 20:07

I think some of the posts here are a bit unnecessary
both OP and her DH are in a very difficult situation and yes both acted irrationally
however, my DH is a loving, kind, caring father who has never been aggressive, but I can imagine him overreacting in this situation (not sure whether he would break the door down) but I don't think its evil of either of you
I don't think this will be the earliest memory your son has, as one PP said, surely he has other memories that will overtake this one
OP posted on here because she knew the situation wasn't handled properly. the child is not being abused

Original poster
Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 20:08

willWillSmithsmith · 28/04/2023 20:06

I don’t think you should even have a lock on the door when you have a young child. We never did in case one of them decided to lock themselves in.

Yeh it's at the top of the door to avoid that. We generally don't use it. Sometimes Ds asks for me to lock the door sometimes not.

OP posts:
Thegoodbadandugly · 28/04/2023 20:09

Now the child will be even more scared of doing a poo.

PinkTonic · 28/04/2023 20:09

I can’t believe how unkind and frankly ignorant some of these replies are. Some of you are really horrible nasty people.

you’ve had some good advice OP, I hope things get better. I am concerned about the reaction from DH, it’s disproportionate and unacceptable, and you say he would swoop in and whip him off the loo so it seems like he undermines you and imposes his preferred approach whether you like it or not. That’s what’s standing out for me.

Original poster
Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 20:10

Bulbnotbolb · 28/04/2023 20:07

I think some of the posts here are a bit unnecessary
both OP and her DH are in a very difficult situation and yes both acted irrationally
however, my DH is a loving, kind, caring father who has never been aggressive, but I can imagine him overreacting in this situation (not sure whether he would break the door down) but I don't think its evil of either of you
I don't think this will be the earliest memory your son has, as one PP said, surely he has other memories that will overtake this one
OP posted on here because she knew the situation wasn't handled properly. the child is not being abused

Yes, thank you

OP posts:
Plbrookes · 28/04/2023 20:10

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 20:07

Thank you. I too think the smashing crossed a line.

I am at a low point. And so is DH I guess.

Show quote history

OP - you need to take your ego out of the equation and realise that while you might disagree with your DH he loves and cares for your child the same way you do.

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