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Original poster

DH burst through a locked door. In also to blame

407 replies

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 18:43

Just trying to get this all down fairly quickly after it has happened. I'm upstairs needing a quiet five mins and my head is all over the place.

Our son 3.5 is a poo witholder and it is particularly bad right now. I am absolutely exhausted right now, and I guess I'm just so fed up with the witholding that I just lost patience.

So I had DS on the toilet and I showed him the poo goes to pooland app. My son was getting upset even watching it because he would likely do a poo if he did. So he was crying and saying he wanted daddy. Usually we give him 10 mins of sitting time then take him off. But I felt DS was sooooo close to pooping that I went and locked the door so my husband couldn't come in and take our son off the toilet. Son was crying for daddy saying he wanted off. DH tried the door and found it to be locked. He told me to unlock it and I said no.
Next thing I know he has punched the door in and the sort of frame where the lock was joine to has broken off the doorway.
Obviously this was scary to DS who was crying a lot at this point. I took ds off the toilet and there was a bit of soft poop around his bum so got it cleaned but I'm so fucked off because clearly he was close to doing a full poo and this whole episode has fucked it now AND our son is confused as to why daddy broke the door.
We downplayed the whole thing and have said daddy is naughty. DH has apologised.
But I messaged my mum and she's just telling me both are in the wrong.
I feel like, yes my action of locking the door and refusing to unlock it wasn't great but that doesn't mean it's ok to fucking smash through it in desperation to get to DS?

OP posts:
squishee · 29/04/2023 00:11

OP you mentioned that your DS uses a footstool on the loo, but have you considered something more like this?
With the adult squatty potty I find it takes very little to go without straining:

www.squattypotty.com/products/potty-pet-dog-kids-stool

MsRosley · 29/04/2023 00:42

I haven't read through the whole thread, OP, and perhaps other have said this, but when I was two or three I stopped eating all but a handful of foods. This caused enormous stress for me and for my parents. Psychologists were involved, the school, everyone, but if anything it just made me even more anxious and phobic. It went on for absolutely years. I didn't eat any vegetables at all till I was in my teens.

The moment everyone gave up trying to cure me and just let me get on with it, I found I was able to try new foods off my own bat. I'm pretty much a normal eater now, though there's still a few things I can't stomach.

I know it's hard, but perhaps if you backed off and simply ignored the issue altogether, he might feel less anxious and under pressure and more able to listen to his body's own natural urges. Just a thought.

VeryStressedMum · 29/04/2023 00:42

Why on earth would your dh have come in and snatched him off the toilet if you'd said give it a few more minutes he close to doing it
That's nuts that you had to lock the door to stop him from doing that does he not listen to you is he in agreement with this toilet regime you've got going on ? It doesn't sound like it as he literally broke the door down to stop it.

Of course it's also nuts that he broke the door down and that you locked the door in the first place.

However I don't agree that your child will remember this forever more, maybe he will maybe won't, it's less likely if it's an isolated incident rather than continuous situations like this.

Plbrookes · 29/04/2023 04:55

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Batalax · 29/04/2023 07:28

I’d focus less on your ds whilst he’s sitting there. To take the pressure off even more.

If he won’t let you be out of the room then I’d busy myself cleaning even if it’s unnecessary, or something else. Or just pop out for a few seconds to do a job, building up to longer periods of time just outside the bathroom. Chat away whilst you are working. Inane stuff but not mentioning poo. Appear unconcerned and be bright an breezy if nothing happens, again not even mentioning it if it’s not successful other than a “well try again another time”.

Good luck. It sounds very stressful.

DiscoBeat · 29/04/2023 07:49

What a horrific drama you're both creating around that poor little boys toileting. It should never have got to the point of crying to get off and of course breaking the door was not on either. You both need to back off otherwise you will create a lifelong issue imo.

Butteralwaysmeltsaway · 29/04/2023 07:57

Not read the whole thread but have you looked at his diet re constipation/ withholding?

Is there a good amount of fibre and fresh veg/fruit consumed daily? (ratio of half the plate of food being veg)

Does he drink enough fluid throughout the day?

BusterGonad · 29/04/2023 08:05

I haven't read all the replys but the op did something silly and the husband was literally a neanderthal to smash the door in. Who does that? I'd understand if he was locked in with a pedophile but it was his own mother. Such a over reaction. He sounds absolutely awful tbh.

BusterGonad · 29/04/2023 08:12

Olive19741205 · 28/04/2023 20:23

Why do they both need to be there? OP was dealing with it. But no, he decides to smash a door in. You obviously think that's ok, I don't. If my DH was dealing with the same scenario, I'd leave him to it. I wouldn't be so controlling as to insist he needed me to be there too.

Show quote history

Agreed.

Mwnci123 · 29/04/2023 08:34

Mummynew08 · 28/04/2023 19:18

I'm reading this as you're used to your dh undermining your strategies. I'd never lock my dh out but then he'd never usually undermine something I was trying to do for dd's well being. I understand why you did it and I think your dh was majorly out of order breaking the door down. He was implying that you were seriously harming your son and he had to get to him urgently by damaging the house. You weren't harming him, you were trying to get him to poo (whether or not your method was the best is irrelevant and some commenters are confusing the two issues imo)

Agree with all this.

You're getting a hard time on this thread op, but as pp have said most of these commentators won't understand the stress and worry around the withholding and are being very patronising about it.

Smashing the door in was a lot worse than locking it. Daddy bloody was naughty! And responsible for his own actions. Obviously time to regroup as parents, acknowledge mutual failings, make a joint plan for the future. Good luck with it 💐

timetochangeagainagain · 29/04/2023 08:35

I wonder why you felt the need to lock the door? In a normal scenario most parents could say quietly to their partner 'sshh, we've got progress' and that would be enough for partner to back off/be patient for a bit longer.

Locking the door seems a bit unhealthy, like you knew he would go against you etc. It sounds like maybe you're not working as a team?

Acornsoup · 29/04/2023 09:02

Agreed - don't like the idea DH thought he was rescuing DS from DM. It's so OTT and goes against the majority of parenting advice, he wasn't in danger he was just bored. They were looking at books!

Mynameisntrelevant1 · 29/04/2023 09:21

Hi what is his diet like? Is he pale, lethargic? My dd was exactly like this, turned out it was cieliacs disease- if you haven't already get the blood done( quick and easy). Also if not already get referral to Bowel and bladder because it sounds like a longterm issue and if it's not dietary it will take retraining and specialist advice not gp.

As for both of your behaviour you know it was terrible, scary for your ds and both of you were way too over the top. Locking a parent out? So you're not on sane page and he won't listen to your point of view or you won't stick to the agreed 10 mins. Smashing door- so dramatic, the child was fine no need for that- was he screaming and shouting too? You should mention this at Bowel and bladder/specialist as of course this will negatively impact your ds now. Also for your sake I'd be concerned that dh could be violent towards you in future- any history of that? If so get out now.

Original poster
Burstdoor · 29/04/2023 10:27

@Mynameisntrelevant1 his diet is really good, there's not much he doesn't eat. We make homemade cooked meals from scratch most nights. Good variety. I'd say he does eat too much fruit for a standard diet but we go with it because I think it helps the pooing.
Someone mentions celiac to me last week and I mentioned it to GP two days ago so I'm definitely wanting tests done. And i do want Ds to be referred to specialist so we can get extra help.

No history. I was shocked because it is so not like DH at all but as he explained last night he expected the lock to just ping off rather than the lock taking the door frame off..
But for me, it doesn't make sense he just undermined me locking the door. Neither of us were thinking straight, both of us were stressed

OP posts:
Original poster
Burstdoor · 29/04/2023 10:28

A wee update DS is on the toilet right now watching a cartoon, he's done his poo and he is chatting happily. DH said maybe it's time to come off now and DS wants to stay on. So it's great that he's done it now and I can hear him he is so happy! It's such a relief.

OP posts:
Willmafrockfit · 29/04/2023 10:30

oh bless him.
onwards op

Original poster
Burstdoor · 29/04/2023 10:32

Yep, starting afresh today.

OP posts:
Mischance · 29/04/2023 10:40

When in our wildest dreams before we became parents did we imagine that a child producing a poo could induce such elation!? Smile

Acornsoup · 29/04/2023 10:40

Great news OP Smile

Original poster
Burstdoor · 29/04/2023 10:42

Mischance · 29/04/2023 10:40

When in our wildest dreams before we became parents did we imagine that a child producing a poo could induce such elation!? Smile

Haha I know!

OP posts:
Matchymatchylemonscratchy · 29/04/2023 11:18

Burstdoor · 29/04/2023 10:28

A wee update DS is on the toilet right now watching a cartoon, he's done his poo and he is chatting happily. DH said maybe it's time to come off now and DS wants to stay on. So it's great that he's done it now and I can hear him he is so happy! It's such a relief.

I know this feeling of relief well! Yay!

I remember saying to DH What nice that I simply couldn’t believe how much time I spent thinking about poo, talking about poo etc. and that parents whose kids don’t withhold have simply no idea how lucky they are.

We went lactose free and low dairy generally. Then we found once we got him pooing again that he seemed to have a fructose intolerance. Argh! But you really just keep learning as you go and we’ve been able to introduce everything again except fruit juice.

Also be prepared for accidents once you start to allieve the constipation. This was really hard. Everything was stretched and he’d lost sensitivity. His body had forgotten to read the signs and that took a long time to get past. Easier said than done but taking baby wipes, plastic bags and spare clothes everywhere we went was just part of our routine until that righted itself too.

YouCouldHaveKnockedMeDownWithAFeather · 29/04/2023 12:23

Jerusalem artichokes OP, if you want a food to get things going

He’s a funny story

Had now dh over for a meal with another male friend
Cooked Jerusalem artichoke soup ( I’d started growing them ) followed by roasted Jerusalem artichokes with the main course.
The next day my friend was constantly emailing me ( no mobile phones then ) asking what the bloody hell id fed him he’d been pooing and farting all morning. My now dh had been in a meeting and couldn’t wait to get out of it. He walked from Oxford street to Tottenham Court Road ( avoiding the tube) farting all the way.

All that roughage, …lovely.

thirdfiddle · 29/04/2023 12:50

Burstdoor · 29/04/2023 10:28

A wee update DS is on the toilet right now watching a cartoon, he's done his poo and he is chatting happily. DH said maybe it's time to come off now and DS wants to stay on. So it's great that he's done it now and I can hear him he is so happy! It's such a relief.

Whoop! Lovely update. Well done DS, and glad he isn't traumatised by the whole thing. Hopefully he's already forgotten.

SorePaw · 29/04/2023 15:00

CustardySergeant · 28/04/2023 20:49

Referring to him smashing the door down, makes it sound like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. He forced the locked door so the lock broke, he didn't get an axe and demolish it.

Show quote history

@CustardySergeant

Next thing I know he has punched the door in and the sort of frame where the lock was joine to has broken off the doorway

The OP (you know, the woman that was actually there) wrote that. Why are you down playing it?

SorePaw · 29/04/2023 15:13

@CustardySergeant

the OP's posts are littered with comments such as

I feel like a door being smashed in is scary though?

so yeah, no idea why you're minimising?

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