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Original poster

DH burst through a locked door. In also to blame

407 replies

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 18:43

Just trying to get this all down fairly quickly after it has happened. I'm upstairs needing a quiet five mins and my head is all over the place.

Our son 3.5 is a poo witholder and it is particularly bad right now. I am absolutely exhausted right now, and I guess I'm just so fed up with the witholding that I just lost patience.

So I had DS on the toilet and I showed him the poo goes to pooland app. My son was getting upset even watching it because he would likely do a poo if he did. So he was crying and saying he wanted daddy. Usually we give him 10 mins of sitting time then take him off. But I felt DS was sooooo close to pooping that I went and locked the door so my husband couldn't come in and take our son off the toilet. Son was crying for daddy saying he wanted off. DH tried the door and found it to be locked. He told me to unlock it and I said no.
Next thing I know he has punched the door in and the sort of frame where the lock was joine to has broken off the doorway.
Obviously this was scary to DS who was crying a lot at this point. I took ds off the toilet and there was a bit of soft poop around his bum so got it cleaned but I'm so fucked off because clearly he was close to doing a full poo and this whole episode has fucked it now AND our son is confused as to why daddy broke the door.
We downplayed the whole thing and have said daddy is naughty. DH has apologised.
But I messaged my mum and she's just telling me both are in the wrong.
I feel like, yes my action of locking the door and refusing to unlock it wasn't great but that doesn't mean it's ok to fucking smash through it in desperation to get to DS?

OP posts:
MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 28/04/2023 19:00

He hasn't pooed in ten days?! Take him to the bloody GP.
Ffs!! He's constipated!! He needs meds.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 28/04/2023 19:01

Sorry just seen your other comment, you need to disimpact him.

Starlightstarbright1 · 28/04/2023 19:02

gosh.

so you lock the door make him watch a video to make him poo and he wants his Dad no surprise . The whole situation is nuts.

you don’t get a child to poo by scaring them

TomatoSandwiches · 28/04/2023 19:03

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 18:59

I know. I agree and I am super worried about it.

Right now they are all playing together and he's happy enough. I do wonder what he will remember :(

Show quote history

I really hope he doesn't but I have the memory if my dad smashing the back door in and we left him when I was nearly 3.

I can remember the colour of the door, the wires in the frosted glass, the door shaking and his shadowy shape coming at the door again and again.

You had no right to lock the door, no right.

Modaboutyou · 28/04/2023 19:03

Badly handled on both sides. Please get your son some medical help.

Original poster
Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:03

Clymene · 28/04/2023 18:59

Apologies - I thought you'd locked him in on his own.

But I agree with your mum. Making this into a source of tension between you is just going to exacerbate things.

Yes definitely and we do know this. Obviously tonight both of us took wrong actions that has ended very badly. We know not to put pressure on Ds. It's a very long running thing and we made such good progress that the illness has really erroded the progress.
I am super tired I've worked all day and night yesterday to meet a deadline, worked today even though I don't work Fridays, then organised the prescription and then when I saw SA hopping around and holding his bum I thought tonight was the night.
I'm just so worried about it all and I locked the door in desperation I suppose.

I just don't think the normal reaction would then be to smash it down. Like, Im not going to keep Ds on the toilet for an hour. But yes, I should've communicated it to DH why I felt DS should've stayed on the toilet another five mins.

OP posts:
Original poster
Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:04

Modaboutyou · 28/04/2023 19:03

Badly handled on both sides. Please get your son some medical help.

We are!

OP posts:
Boomboom22 · 28/04/2023 19:04

I think if 10 days and he's on 4 sachets a day he needs treatment at a hospital to get it out. What he dies poo will be coming around the blockage. I think he needs an urgent scan. But I'm not qualified or anything.

Original poster
Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:05

Starlightstarbright1 · 28/04/2023 19:02

gosh.

so you lock the door make him watch a video to make him poo and he wants his Dad no surprise . The whole situation is nuts.

you don’t get a child to poo by scaring them

I feel like a door being smashed in is scary though?

OP posts:
HinCogNeetOh · 28/04/2023 19:05

You need to go on a disimpaction regime. This isn't new to you, I don't understand why you haven't stepped up the sachets.

Boomboom22 · 28/04/2023 19:05

Does! Which I corrected more than once. Bloody mn!! It always changes of to I as well, no reason I can see.

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 28/04/2023 19:05

i'm confused why you think your dh would have taken him off if you said he's nearly there? at this point us just look for some support from a specialist and pay for it if you can

ReadersD1gest · 28/04/2023 19:06

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:05

I feel like a door being smashed in is scary though?

Show quote history

You locked the bloody door!

Original poster
Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:06

HinCogNeetOh · 28/04/2023 19:05

You need to go on a disimpaction regime. This isn't new to you, I don't understand why you haven't stepped up the sachets.

We have increased he is usually on one a day and recently we also started giving lactulose too.
And now from tonight some picosulfate

OP posts:
Original poster
Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:06

ReadersD1gest · 28/04/2023 19:06

You locked the bloody door!

Show quote history

Yes so DH can't whip Ds off the toilet.
This is the thing we know we are BOTH in the wrong.

But how to handle it now with ds

OP posts:
thespottedunicorn · 28/04/2023 19:07

Sorry, but you were in the wrong. Imagine if a father locked himself in a room with a child and refused to let the mother in. You were out of order and you need to own it.

CottonSock · 28/04/2023 19:07

My daughter had this problem and this is so awful to read. Locking him in the toilet is not going to help at all. I'm sorry but I can see myself in your dh's shoes. Not that I ever smashed a door.

Silverrocks · 28/04/2023 19:07

My ex did what you're doing with our son, it used to make me furious it was so cruel. If a child is not ready to poo or is having issues with doing so then sure apps and whatever encouragement is great; keeping them on a toilet or potty whilst they cry and scream isn't it'll just make things worse. If you hadn't locked him out he wouldn't have needed to smash the door in, sure its not great behaviour but I'd also assess your own.

HinCogNeetOh · 28/04/2023 19:09

Ok good luck, lots of us have been there. A very stressful time. Try to work with DH, no more locking him out, yeah.
I know you said you felt a bowel movement was imminent but your little one was calling for Daddy and that was a flashpoint with you impeding Daddy's access to DS.

SarahAndQuack · 28/04/2023 19:09

You are both to blame.

DD was (is) reluctant about pooing; I know how grim it is (and occasionally, actually frightening and concerning). I have done all the sitting by the toilet with a crying child stuff. And I also get how stressful it can be when you're trying to co-ordinate your parenting with your partner and you're not quite on the same page, especially if you've got a child crying for the other parent, because it does feel upsetting.

But why on earth did you think it was ok to lock the door on your DH?! When your child was crying for his daddy? To be honest, that sounds awfully like you punishing your husband for being the parent your son wants, and ignoring the fact your son clearly wanted his dad just then.

(On a purely practical note, and I know you've probably tried everything, but does a hot bath ever help?)

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 28/04/2023 19:09

come on guys smashing the door down isn't right whether OP was in the wrong or not .... unless he thought he was in immediate danger

OP are you and husband on same page about this? even before this incident? I'm wondering if he has tendency to go against an agreed plan hence you worrying he would whip him off?

thespottedunicorn · 28/04/2023 19:10

This is upsetting to read and I feel so sorry for your son. Imagine a man making the excuse of working hard as a justification for treating his child like this. Then you moan to your mother in the hope that she will side with you. How would you feel if your husband tells his mum what you did to your son?

momtoboys · 28/04/2023 19:10

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 18:44

And I just feel fucking awful that ds witnessed all that.

We are not this kind of people at all. I've let my son down :( well, we have not just me.

But you clearly are those people.

Lolapusht · 28/04/2023 19:10

How are you going to handle it with DS? Stop locking him in the bathroom to scare him into doing the thing he’s terrified of doing for starters. Then maybe don’t say “daddy was naughty”! You can’t just put all the blame on him. You caused the situation. I’d be breaking a door down to get to my distressed child.

Veryverycalmnow · 28/04/2023 19:10

I don't think you were wrong to lock the door with you and DS in there, trying to get the job done without being disturbed. DH over- reacted. That was the bad part for me. Smashing a door isn't ok. Even if DS is calling to him. Sometimes they do when the other parent is getting them to do a necessary task and they don't want to do it. It sounds really hard- seems like a long time he's not pooped and that is clearly why everyone is stressed. I think DH was wrong. I think you're trying your best to encourage a poo in a relaxed way. I don't understand people acting like the door locking is a crime.