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Original poster

DH burst through a locked door. In also to blame

407 replies

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 18:43

Just trying to get this all down fairly quickly after it has happened. I'm upstairs needing a quiet five mins and my head is all over the place.

Our son 3.5 is a poo witholder and it is particularly bad right now. I am absolutely exhausted right now, and I guess I'm just so fed up with the witholding that I just lost patience.

So I had DS on the toilet and I showed him the poo goes to pooland app. My son was getting upset even watching it because he would likely do a poo if he did. So he was crying and saying he wanted daddy. Usually we give him 10 mins of sitting time then take him off. But I felt DS was sooooo close to pooping that I went and locked the door so my husband couldn't come in and take our son off the toilet. Son was crying for daddy saying he wanted off. DH tried the door and found it to be locked. He told me to unlock it and I said no.
Next thing I know he has punched the door in and the sort of frame where the lock was joine to has broken off the doorway.
Obviously this was scary to DS who was crying a lot at this point. I took ds off the toilet and there was a bit of soft poop around his bum so got it cleaned but I'm so fucked off because clearly he was close to doing a full poo and this whole episode has fucked it now AND our son is confused as to why daddy broke the door.
We downplayed the whole thing and have said daddy is naughty. DH has apologised.
But I messaged my mum and she's just telling me both are in the wrong.
I feel like, yes my action of locking the door and refusing to unlock it wasn't great but that doesn't mean it's ok to fucking smash through it in desperation to get to DS?

OP posts:
thebaneofmylifeisacat · 28/04/2023 19:11

Deep breath op.

Obviously both you and your dh are caring parents and we all fuck up even the self preening wonderful parents on this thread.

But you both need to chill a bit. Look at this way you won't need a poo app when he's 5/6!. These problems iron out to get new ones that's parenthood.

Keep calm both of you and dial the emotion down.

Your son will be absolutely
fine. He's 3!!

RoseDog · 28/04/2023 19:11

He is going to associate going for a poo with a war breaking out!

Back in the day my mum used to sit my brother on the toilet with a sega game gear and just leave him, she also started giving him sultana bran, he still eats it now in his 30s.

Do you have a Nintendo switch or iPad and just leave him to take the pressure off, my mum knew the signs that he needed.

Theunamedcat · 28/04/2023 19:11

For fucks sake his dad can't always "rescue" the son off the big bad toilet sometimes he really just has to sit there

From now on he can do the toilet encouragements stuff you being the bad guy

Dery · 28/04/2023 19:12

@Burstdoor He probably will remember this but it will not be his only memory. I remember some noisy, angry scenes from my childhood. I also remember lots of fun, love and laughter. Those are my stronger memories.

Yes, this was a fuck-up (most parents do fuck up from time to time) but it came from a place of wanting what you know is right for him which is for him to pooh. Someone upthread mentioned suppositories - might they be worth investigating, do you think?

gypsytrampandthief · 28/04/2023 19:12

He hasn't pooed in ten days?! Take him to the bloody GP.Ffs!! He's constipated!! He needs meds

@MeMyCatsAndMyBooks

Ffs! RTFT

thespottedunicorn · 28/04/2023 19:13

And you are trying to get your son to blame Daddy for being naughty.
I would be surprised if your son doesn't tell someone at Nursery what is going on at home.
Own it and apologise and don't try and punish your son for wanting his Dad.

Lizzt2007 · 28/04/2023 19:13

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:05

I feel like a door being smashed in is scary though?

Show quote history

The door got smashed because of YOUR actions. YOU caused that by your behaviour. Your son was distressed and crying for his dad and YOU prevented dad being able to comfort him. This is all on you.

readbooksdrinktea · 28/04/2023 19:13

You were out of order. If the dad had done this, no one would be trying to excuse it.

That poor child.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 28/04/2023 19:14

I feel like a door being smashed in is scary though?

It's also confusing and scary for a child for his mother to lock his father out and refuse to open the door.

pilates · 28/04/2023 19:14

Agree with your mum

gypsytrampandthief · 28/04/2023 19:15

The trouble is many people replying won't have had experienced a poo witholder so they think it's as simple as "take the pressure off" or "give him Movocol"

This condition can make children very ill

Weedoormatnomore · 28/04/2023 19:18

Sounds like you and DH need to discuss your parenting. You where both as bad as each other !

Mummynew08 · 28/04/2023 19:18

I'm reading this as you're used to your dh undermining your strategies. I'd never lock my dh out but then he'd never usually undermine something I was trying to do for dd's well being. I understand why you did it and I think your dh was majorly out of order breaking the door down. He was implying that you were seriously harming your son and he had to get to him urgently by damaging the house. You weren't harming him, you were trying to get him to poo (whether or not your method was the best is irrelevant and some commenters are confusing the two issues imo)

Theunamedcat · 28/04/2023 19:18

gypsytrampandthief · 28/04/2023 19:15

The trouble is many people replying won't have had experienced a poo witholder so they think it's as simple as "take the pressure off" or "give him Movocol"

This condition can make children very ill

Exactly

ittakes2 · 28/04/2023 19:20

Put Vaseline just inside his bum - get him to blow through a straw into water creating bubbles. Can’t stop pop when you are blowing bubbles!

CuriousMoo · 28/04/2023 19:21

Kitkatandcoffee · 28/04/2023 18:52

Poor child. Locking a child alone in a room because you want to force or frighten that child into poohing. What you did was awful and yes I would be breaking down the door to get to my child.
No wonder your child is withholding pooh when you have turned it into such a performance. Linked to punishment of staying on the toilet for ages.
If you child does not want to pooh say fine go and pooh when you need to. Take the pressure off your child. They may make mistakes have some messes to clean up but will not getting upset made to sit on a toilet for 10 minutes.

Why don't you read the post properly first before replying?

It says right at the start that OP was with her child the whole time

LighthouseCat · 28/04/2023 19:21

We've not had this issue but I know friends who have and it's stressful for you all. Lots of people are responding really harshly I think with very uninformed/unhelpful comments. Cut yourselves some slack and try to regroup as a team - you have to be on the same page with your approach or it's going to go pear shaped like today. Highly unlikely your DS will remember this.

Choconut · 28/04/2023 19:23

I don't know why everyone is blaming you OP, if I had my son in the toilet at that age and he was crying and I locked the door then my husband would call out 'is everything alright in there?' to make sure I didn't want his help, he wouldn't smash the fucking door in!
But then I wouldn't need to lock it to try and keep him from taking over and thinking he knew best.

On the other hand it sounds like you have got to an absolutely desperate place with this and I think you have to let go and take a huge step back. This has been going on for years now and nothing you have done has helped. He cannot be cajoled, encouraged or pushed into doing this, I'm sure you've already tried it all and nothing has worked. So now you need to take a completely different tack. You need to stop putting him on the toilet and just let him decide to go or not go.

You might however need to see a doctor about the impaction, sometimes it is so bad that no matter how much meds you use it can't clear it fully I believe. Have you seen a specialist about this? If not then I really think you need to as it sounds like this has got to desperate times.

BattingDown · 28/04/2023 19:24

It was not great of you to lock the door. But I would expect my DP to knock through a door only in an extreme emergency. A child doing something they don’t like in a room with one parent is not an emergency. Unless he thought you were going to hurt your DS, your DH has massively over reacted on a fairly scary way.

Original poster
Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:26

Yes I can see there are people who know exactly what we are going through. It is very very hard.
It is incredibly worrying and is a very stressful situation that we try not to let DS see.
Tonight was a monumental fuck up and thank you to the posters here who clearly do understand the turmoil we are in.

As I said earlier we are both to blame. A pp is correct that children do ask for the other parents when they don't get their way with the other. I felt like that's what was happening tonight. But I do understand I absolutely should not have locked the door.

Usually the door is open, we play some games. I just bought a cake blow out candle game to play as well as the blowing motion helps the poo move. I do try to make it a happy ten mins and if he doesn't go he does come off and we just say we will try again tomorrow.

OP posts:
GrettaGreen · 28/04/2023 19:26

readbooksdrinktea · 28/04/2023 19:13

You were out of order. If the dad had done this, no one would be trying to excuse it.

That poor child.

Absolutely. Imagine if a man kept his 3 year old in the bathroom insisting he stay on the toilet to poo and then locked the door because the child was crying for mummy.

I would go ballistic if you did this to my child and after I broke the door down to get him, I tell you I wouldn't meekly be agreeing we both shouldn't have done what we did. I would either still be shouting at DH about their abusive bloody behaviour towards our child or so cross I would have had to leave the house.

RudsyFarmer · 28/04/2023 19:26

There’s a deeper level of interaction here that’s disturbing. The reason your husband broke the door is because he doesn’t trust you. What have you done that’s made him fear for the well-being of his child so much?

casingchars · 28/04/2023 19:27

OK, he's 3, so his rectum being stretched isn't irreversible, so stop fretting over that. As he grows, things will even out.

Does he have a specialist supporting him? If not you need to push this. Impaction is serious and may require further intervention.

In the meantime, see how he progresses with the new meds, and don't let a situation like this happen again. Get on the same page as your DH and stick together.

gypsytrampandthief · 28/04/2023 19:28

There’s a deeper level of interaction here that’s disturbing. The reason your husband broke the door is because he doesn’t trust you. What have you done that’s made him fear for the well-being of his child so much?

@RudsyFarmer

Disagree. The reason he broke the door down was that he was FURIOUS with his wife for daring to lock him out, and for taking away his decision making about parenting choices - something that he does to her regularly

Original poster
Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 19:30

Yes @Choconut maybe we shouldn't even do sitting time.

On the phone to the go yesterday I explained how I felt we are going round in circles. We make progress then we are back to square one.
I said I wanted to try the picosulphate as an immediate solution for this period.
I said I wanted tests to to see if he has a dietary intolerance that could be causing it and I want referral to a specialist.

So like, I am trying to get this sorted. I am aware we need assistance now because it's just going on and on and on. I don't want him to be witholding and spiking himself at school so we have time right now to deal with it.

Obviously this week I have been thinking about it Alot, lots of calls with gp, research about other laxatives etc so it's really at the forefront of my mind.
I am so sorry for my Ds to go through all this.

OP posts: