DH burst through a locked door. In also to blame

[Burstdoor]

Just trying to get this all down fairly quickly after it has happened. I'm upstairs needing a quiet five mins and my head is all over the place.

Our son 3.5 is a poo witholder and it is particularly bad right now. I am absolutely exhausted right now, and I guess I'm just so fed up with the witholding that I just lost patience.

So I had DS on the toilet and I showed him the poo goes to pooland app. My son was getting upset even watching it because he would likely do a poo if he did. So he was crying and saying he wanted daddy. Usually we give him 10 mins of sitting time then take him off. But I felt DS was sooooo close to pooping that I went and locked the door so my husband couldn't come in and take our son off the toilet. Son was crying for daddy saying he wanted off. DH tried the door and found it to be locked. He told me to unlock it and I said no.
Next thing I know he has punched the door in and the sort of frame where the lock was joine to has broken off the doorway.
Obviously this was scary to DS who was crying a lot at this point. I took ds off the toilet and there was a bit of soft poop around his bum so got it cleaned but I'm so fucked off because clearly he was close to doing a full poo and this whole episode has fucked it now AND our son is confused as to why daddy broke the door.
We downplayed the whole thing and have said daddy is naughty. DH has apologised.
But I messaged my mum and she's just telling me both are in the wrong.
I feel like, yes my action of locking the door and refusing to unlock it wasn't great but that doesn't mean it's ok to fucking smash through it in desperation to get to DS?

Another vote for probiotics .
And HUGE sympathy for all 3 of you .

We limited the sitting time to ten min because we found previously we had him on for too long and that was upsetting too as well as wasting our night away and the small portion of his evening was taken up trying to poo.
And when we first reduced it, it worked so well. We were at a point he'd poo in a few minutes and that was it all good and happy. Then he got I'll and that put a spanner in the works and now he doesn't even want to sit on the toilet. So you can see how the progress has declined from that alone!

I will try the fig biscuits
We also just got a sticker chart today so that helped us get him ON the toilet. He got a star for doing his sitting time.

I did buy a paw patrol toy for his last poo. Initially he was to come and choose it with me after he did his poo bit he told me to go myself whilst he tried to poo because he was worried the shop would close. It's terrible! He is so switched on and it's just a shame for him. Tbh I'm at the point he can have whatever the hell he likes I'd he does a poo, I'm just so desperate for him to do it.

The parent they are calling for isn't normally locked out though are they? I've brought up 4 and never locked a door to prevent their father coming in.

I wouldn't have thought to lock a door because it wouldn't occur to me that DH would physically intervene when I'm parenting. The most he might do is come along and say you okay, need a hand? And if a door was closed and I said no leave it, he wouldn't be trying the door to even know if it was locked. So it seems to me that for OP to even think of locking the door, there is a history here, it's not the first time the DH has unilaterally overruled her.

Have you considered your ds may have a wheat intolerance.
Id get him tested at the gps

I know there's been a mix of responses on here but I have received good advice and it's good to hear from people who have also been through this, although I'm sorry they have experience this too.

I can understand why emotions are high on the thread too but at the end of the day, no one knows me from one post of a bad night. I know I am a good parent, DH is too and our children are so loved and cared for.

It’s awful, I can totally imagine that. People come here as they’re already worried / feeling guilty / need advice and they get mauled to pieces, nothing constructive or supportive at all. It does zero good, for the parent or the child and makes people feel hopeless. The verbal equivalent of a door being broken through!

Yeh I definitely will be seeking tests. I mentioned this to gp yesterday and he was like "see how you get on with the picosulphate first and if you're still concerned, come back"

So I will. We are going round in circles. Two months ago I thought we had almost cracked it and was super relieved and now...here we are. Definitely need help and investigation

Literally that!!!

because it wouldn't occur to me that DH would physically intervene when I'm parenting.
That's a really odd statement. As if parenting couldn't possibly be done in tandem.

Some of us have sympathy for you OP. You’re not a bad parent. You’re dealing with a stressful situation.

I think it’s pretty obvious you locked the door to prevent an inadvertent interruption at the wrong moment, not keeping your child hostage. I can imagine you might have thought of saying to your DH ‘give us two more mins’ but that would have interrupted the moment too.

If you’d been the one that bashed through the door, the same posters would be giving you the hard time.

Cross fingers this all turns out ok soon for you all.

Thank you. And yes that's exactly why I did it. Talking would've interrupted the moment too. And then the moment was lost and now he's gone to sleep with a sore tum. Shame

Are you….serious?

This thread is ridiculous! It is ENTIRELY the husband's fault that he smashed his way in. That is not a normal or acceptable thing to do if your spouse locks the bathroom door so you can't come in. Smashing a lock is clearly outrageous behaviour - and people are saying it's the OP's fault for driving him to it?! Do you think that's an ok way to react to other displays of violent anger, which is what this is?

I've only read your posts @Burstdoor and a few of the early replies. Some of them are over the top ridiculous. It's clear that both you and your DH are at the end of your tether which is making both of you react irrationally.

I know it's not the same but I had three reluctant toilet trainers - the youngest particularly, and it's so frustrating and difficult to deal with!

If you haven't watched the poo nurses video it is well worth taking a few minutes to do so. It is very good.

Sending love and solidarity.

I know it's different but we struggled to potty train our boy, he was petrified of the loo and it caused huge issues with me and DH. At our worst the two nose to nose in the loo arguing poor boy squatting on the floor crying.

If you are full of love, compassion for your kids 99% of the time you will all survive these moments. Bad parenting moments don't define us.

Take your son to the go as soon as you can. In the mean time fresh orange juice, chocolate and toned prunes (stones removed then blended) should get him moving. Avoid readybrek, weetabix, toast (anything that will bung him up) for a few days.

Don't lock the door again. You both FU royally tonight. Maybe give the potty a break until you get the constipation under control.

I do hope the reaction from DH is not his usual form? I think you should both go to the GP so that they can tell you both what to do - no one telling the other.

I understand what it's like trying to get a DC ready for nursery school etc but it really isn't a race. He will get there. Give him lots of cuddles and reassurance, don't wanting him feeling like he's failed at something he clearly can't do ATM

ooops posted too soon - also wanted to say, I very much doubt that your little boy will be affected by your DH kicking in the door! My DH had to literally do that to our bathroom door when our DS was 4. DS was in the bath - I'd just realised he had chicken pox and the door was jammed so DH had no choice to kick it in. He doesn't remember the least thing about it.

You need support, and you need to work on this as a team - so you need a strategy going forward. I totally get both of your anxieties and frustration, plus your concern for your little boy. So please ignore the haters! No pun intended but this too shall pass!! My inveterate shitter is now an adult and hasn't soiled his pants for many a year x

Op I’m just going to address the poo issue because I have a child whose been exactly the same. She has also withheld for 10 days before now and I feel your pain with it. You need to be referred urgently to the continence team who will have much more specialist knowledge than the gp and be able to advise accordingly. Your little ones bowel will likely be stretched and he won’t feel that urge to go as much as he should. My daughter also used to hop about holding it in. It was awful.
the consultant we saw in the continence team advised giving her an iPad on the loo because it relaxes and distracts her. Even if she doesn’t do a poo, just 5 mins with the iPad on the loo and praise. Enough laxido/movicol would mean she wouldn’t need to push too hard.
however when they don’t poo for 10 days and you need to up the movicol, there will be a lot of over flow and poo constantly on the bum/ pants and the liquid moves past the blockage as you prob already know. So he might need metanium or similar if he gets sore.
I think picosulphate will help stimulate the bowel but you might need to up the movicol even more and then mega mega gradually bring it down. There will be lots of accidents. Try the iPad on the loo.
my daughter was at her worse with all this aged 4. She’s now almost 8 and on half a sachet every other day. The consultant said that as long as they’ve struggled with it is usually as long as it takes to get better because the bowel has to recover from being stretched and recognising the need to poo. I was horrified as she was 4 and had been having issues since 12 months and that felt like such a long time to wait but he was spot on. She’s pretty much sorted now but it’s been a slow road. I wish you all the best with it.

Maybe you're both talking about the poo too much. Open door and good job each other, books, games, stickers, etc. just too much. None of it is fun and your child isn't stupid and knows this.

I would put all the poo stuff away and stop talking about it.

That would eliminate the stress.

Keep following the medical advice with the laxatives, gp etc.

Still try once a day after a warm relaxing bath or a little while after eating.

Do you actually have zero compassion? This is a man driven to the end of his tether with the situation, distressed for his little boy, and in his panic, he kicked in AN INANIMATE OBJECT!! Yes, it was ott but anyone with an ounce of empathy would understand why!!

You know yourself better than anyone. It was not an ideal situation/reaction as you’ve already said yourself. Chances are he won’t remember a thing. Issue for him is not being able to freely poo. In case it helps (prob would have been told before if it did), a colorectal surgeon said to me when sitting on the toilet to clench the whole body (from head to toe) as tightly as possible for a few seconds, then let go/relax. And I remember giving my kids books that distracted them that they REALLY liked to read when they were on the toilet and struggling. Hope the situation improves x

To an external third party, you both sound bat shit op. As bad as each other. Giving the benefit of the doubt, I can see this is probably as a result of a stressful situation meaning neither of you are seeing the woods for the trees - and running the very real risk of psychologically damaging that poor child as a result… Take a step back, breathe, take the pressure off - that poor lad must be even more stressed than you, and he’s just a child.