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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH burst through a locked door. In also to blame

407 replies

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 18:43

Just trying to get this all down fairly quickly after it has happened. I'm upstairs needing a quiet five mins and my head is all over the place.

Our son 3.5 is a poo witholder and it is particularly bad right now. I am absolutely exhausted right now, and I guess I'm just so fed up with the witholding that I just lost patience.

So I had DS on the toilet and I showed him the poo goes to pooland app. My son was getting upset even watching it because he would likely do a poo if he did. So he was crying and saying he wanted daddy. Usually we give him 10 mins of sitting time then take him off. But I felt DS was sooooo close to pooping that I went and locked the door so my husband couldn't come in and take our son off the toilet. Son was crying for daddy saying he wanted off. DH tried the door and found it to be locked. He told me to unlock it and I said no.
Next thing I know he has punched the door in and the sort of frame where the lock was joine to has broken off the doorway.
Obviously this was scary to DS who was crying a lot at this point. I took ds off the toilet and there was a bit of soft poop around his bum so got it cleaned but I'm so fucked off because clearly he was close to doing a full poo and this whole episode has fucked it now AND our son is confused as to why daddy broke the door.
We downplayed the whole thing and have said daddy is naughty. DH has apologised.
But I messaged my mum and she's just telling me both are in the wrong.
I feel like, yes my action of locking the door and refusing to unlock it wasn't great but that doesn't mean it's ok to fucking smash through it in desperation to get to DS?

OP posts:
thirdfiddle · 28/04/2023 22:21

OP’s husband asked to enter and she said no. I’m afraid that would not be ok with me personally

If I tell DH no, I'd expect he would trust it was for good reason. The parent in the room has more information about what's going on.

Olive19741205 · 28/04/2023 22:21

Happiestathome · 28/04/2023 21:11

Flip this around. Your husband is in there with your son, refusing you, his mother, access to him. You would move heaven and earth to get to your child, especially if they are crying for you. God knows what the parent could be doing. I’m not remotely violent but you can bet I would do whatever it took to get to my child. I’ve been there with the toilet situation. It’s so stressful, I completely get that, but you cannot deny access to the other parent. I hope you can all move past this

What kind of people are you all married to that you don't trust them with your/their own children?

MissTrip82 · 28/04/2023 22:22

Bloody hell this made me sick to read. You both behaved in a frightening and abusive way in front of your child.

You do not lock a child in so their other parent can’t get to them. You do not break down doors.

Im sorry this is so far from acceptable behaviour that I simply don’t believe nothing like this has ever happened before. You haven’t both gone from loving sane calm parents to this horrible abusive behaviour overnight. What the fuck else has your kid witnessed.

You need serious help as parents.

Plbrookes · 28/04/2023 22:24

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 22:00

I know there's been a mix of responses on here but I have received good advice and it's good to hear from people who have also been through this, although I'm sorry they have experience this too.

I can understand why emotions are high on the thread too but at the end of the day, no one knows me from one post of a bad night. I know I am a good parent, DH is too and our children are so loved and cared for.

And that is more important than anything! Parenting isn't easy but you'll muddle through and your child will be fine!

OneFlipflopleft · 28/04/2023 22:24

Omg please delete

EightChalk · 28/04/2023 22:26

allmyliesaretrue · 28/04/2023 22:18

Do you actually have zero compassion? This is a man driven to the end of his tether with the situation, distressed for his little boy, and in his panic, he kicked in AN INANIMATE OBJECT!! Yes, it was ott but anyone with an ounce of empathy would understand why!!

Show quote history

"Panic"? He knew exactly what was going on, and disagreed with the way the OP was handling the situation. He didn't think she was about to harm their son, he wanted to run the situation his way as he had done in the past - the OP explains above why she wanted to give the son a little more time.

It's not like he came home to a locked door and his son calling for him in distress - he was fully aware of what the situation was. Using brute strength to get his way is not acceptable. Also, kicking or otherwise acting violently towards inanimate objects is a known precursor to abuse/form of abuse, as I'm sure you're fully aware. This thread is like a parallel universe compared to the usual good sense about partners getting physical when angry on Mumsnet. (And no, I don't have compassion for men who use their size and strength to get what they want. They've got away with that crap for centuries and enough is enough.)

Mariposista · 28/04/2023 22:26

That poor little boy. You were both as bad as each other.

TheIsleOfTheLost · 28/04/2023 22:26

Good luck op. I had this with one of mine and it is agonising. What worked was keeping the movocol dose up enough that the poo was always soft. If he had a day where there wasn't a poo, I would give a double dose with breakfast the next day and increaseuntil they went. If they manage to withhold then it becomes a cycle, as it is larger and they are afraid. Disimpactikn needs to be so soft it is pretty much liquid.

Even if they don't want to poo in nappies, it was easier as it just came out. I would hold them with legs round my waist and loosen the nappy so there was plenty of room. Also, bribe the fuck out of it. If paw patrol toys work then get a bunch!

Sorry if I am just saying things you have already tried. It took 3 years to get things going normally and even several years later we can still have disagreement "you're making me poo when I don't want to!" Sooooo much better though.

OneFlipflopleft · 28/04/2023 22:27

MissTrip82 · 28/04/2023 22:22

Bloody hell this made me sick to read. You both behaved in a frightening and abusive way in front of your child.

You do not lock a child in so their other parent can’t get to them. You do not break down doors.

Im sorry this is so far from acceptable behaviour that I simply don’t believe nothing like this has ever happened before. You haven’t both gone from loving sane calm parents to this horrible abusive behaviour overnight. What the fuck else has your kid witnessed.

You need serious help as parents.

This message is not cool

blackteaplease · 28/04/2023 22:27

@Burstdoor we did sticker charts for drinking rathet than toileting and sat on the loo for 10 mins 3x a day shortly after each meal. Definitely push for referral, we had 2 years under bladder and bowel team and they were so much more helpful than the gp.

Plbrookes · 28/04/2023 22:29

This reply has been deleted

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Matchymatchylemonscratchy · 28/04/2023 22:30

I’ve been through this with one of our children. Constipation leading to withholding leading to soiling and impactation. On and off for years. I can’t begin to describe how stressful it was.

Long periods of sitting were advised by every specialist we saw. Along with watching the poo land video again and again. It is not unkind, it’s needed. Two minutes doesn’t do the trick. Combined with diet and medication it can be very effective.

Yes locking the door wasn’t your best moment but I know - when you absolutely know they are about to poo. And if your DH isn’t listening to experts that is really frustrating.

His breaking down the door is completely unforgivable.

Coffeeandcrocs · 28/04/2023 22:31

Cut dairy out for a month, OP. I'd put money on it making a world of difference if this has been going on since babyhood. Constipation is a common symptom of Non IgE CMPA ( or the other way aka constant loose stools ). The worst that could happen is that it makes no difference.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 28/04/2023 22:31

You both sound exhausted, frustrated and at the end of your tether and this was a low point. Try and cut yourselves some slack and put it behind you

Plbrookes · 28/04/2023 22:32

TooOldForThisNonsense · 28/04/2023 22:31

You both sound exhausted, frustrated and at the end of your tether and this was a low point. Try and cut yourselves some slack and put it behind you

The best advice yet on this thread!

Shhhquirrel · 28/04/2023 22:32

You need to seek help OP you are a toxic combination.

mainsfed · 28/04/2023 22:33

I think your husband had a visceral reaction to his son being locked in a room and his son screaming for him.

How would you like it if he locked himself in a room with your son and your son was screaming for you?

JobChangeSoonPlease · 28/04/2023 22:34

Why not give him some movicol once a week or so to keep his poo soft and ensure that he will be compelled to pass it out every few days. I have a similar situation where mine is screaming in pain due to poor getting too hard after holding it in for too long. I absolutely hate any drama/punishment/forcing/tears on this subject as it will only set up bad habits for life. I deal with it with compassion and support and ensure that my DC passes the poo without thinking it's a big deal. They grow out of it eventually so best not to have bad memories associated with this.

EightChalk · 28/04/2023 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Unless someone is in serious danger or actually hurt, I don't think people should EVER use physical force in relationships to get what they want. The child was with his mother.

Inkypot · 28/04/2023 22:34

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 21:13

Me and DH had a talk. He apologised, said he saw he had scared me. He said Ds was smiling at DH when DH entered the bathroom as if the whole thing was quite amusing so I'm hoping that goes towards not traumatising him.

DH said he heard Ds calling for him, that he'd done the sitting time and felt I was focused on Ds doing the poo and putting pressure on him.
I said It seemed like Ds was super close to pooping and I didn't want it interrupted. I asked him why he thought to burst into the room. He said he didn't actually expect the skirting bit to come off the wall. The lock has two screws but there's only one in it so he expected the lock to just ping off. He said he just bumped the door with his hip. He said he wasn't angry he just wanted to get ds off the toilet.

He said we had just agreed on not keeping him on longer than ten mins a few days ago, and that he'd already told me the ten minutes were up but I was keeping Ds on longer and not sticking to the plan. I said yes because I felt he was going to do a poo. And I do understand it is stressy when your child is crying and calling out for you. But at the same time, they do that because they know they will be rescued!

So basically we agreed we both acted stupidly, that we need to work on being able to stand down at times rather than heighten the situation. We are both just worried about our son

Sounds like you had a really reasonable discussion with your DH and were able to see it from each others' points of view. This speaks volumes and shows that you will be able to bring your child up knowing how to handle conflict and how to own up to their mistakes. Well done on dealing with this as a team once you'd both calmed down.

LorW · 28/04/2023 22:35

It seems that you have created a good cop/bad cop dynamic with your son which is really no good OP, you and your DH need to be on the same page.

Plbrookes · 28/04/2023 22:36

Shhhquirrel · 28/04/2023 22:32

You need to seek help OP you are a toxic combination.

Ignore the people trying to stir up drama. Parenting is hard. You love your child, your husband loves your child and this situation is tiny compared to that.

Olive19741205 · 28/04/2023 22:38

So you don't think people should use physical force if it's necessary to be able to comfort their distressed child? Either you're not a parent or you're a shit parent. Sorry

The shit parent is you. Condoning smashing in a door to a child who was perfectly safe with his mother. The dramatics on here and the people saying the violent actions of the husband were perfectly normal are insane. I'm really not sure what's going on with this thread. There's something not quite right with all these posters ignoring what the husband actually did.

Plbrookes · 28/04/2023 22:39

EightChalk · 28/04/2023 22:34

Unless someone is in serious danger or actually hurt, I don't think people should EVER use physical force in relationships to get what they want. The child was with his mother.

Show quote history

Physical force against a door. So if your 5 year old was locked in the bathroom you'd refuse to break the door. Have you had kids? Did you care about them? At all?

Olive19741205 · 28/04/2023 22:41

Plbrookes · 28/04/2023 22:39

Physical force against a door. So if your 5 year old was locked in the bathroom you'd refuse to break the door. Have you had kids? Did you care about them? At all?

Show quote history

WTF are you talking about? The child was with his mother, perfectly safe. What is wrong with you?