Anyone ever left a happy marriage

[LAMLC2011]

Anyone ever left a happy marriage due to a possible mid life crisis?

I think I might be peri-menopausal as I can tick off alot of the symptoms but my Dr says not (as nothing showing in blood test and I still get periods).

My DH is great in every way, an amazing father too but I'm bored. Not just bored of him more bored with life to be honest.

Just turned 40 and kind of feel like I'm having a mid life crisis. I know I definitely shouldn't uproot mine, my dh and my sons whole life because I'm bored but I keep having these feelings.

Not to drip feed there is someone else I have feelings for but I'm not having an affair in any way (physical or emotional). I'm not even sure they have feelings for me although they are a friend.

Realistically I wouldn't be leaving my husband for this person as they have no idea I'm thinking about leaving my dh and possibly wouldn't want to get involved with splitting up a family (who would!). I do dream about a life with this other person but it's literally a dream (fantasy world)- real life is very different.

I don't want to ruin my life, how do I get through this? I honestly feel like I'm going crazy. It's like I want to run away from my life (not end my life, absolutely not suicidal) and start fresh.

I'm having these thoughts daily.

Has anyone gone through this?

Yes, just yesterday and it hurts like hell. I've broken his heart and I can't even really explain why except that I was just not happy. He's such a good guy and I'll struggle to find anyone better but I felt we were just living as friends, my sex drive buggered off years ago and his was still good. I got so tired of the cycle of feeling annoyed that I was having sex when I didn't want to and feeling guilty for not having sex enough 😒 I've just snapped

Well done for having the guts to go for the life you want. I hope one day to do the same.

So down today, to be honest past 4 days except Sunday when I was out with a friend which really lifted me.

came home from work today, feeling really flat and low, sat in the bath and cried for no reason, I was just sat thinking look at everything I have, why am I wanting to leave it all behind.

DH comes home from work and he's fo lovely but it's not what I want.

I just want start again. I know I'll be skint, I know I won't have all the nice things, and a loving husband but I just want freedom.

@aParsnipByAnyOtherName that sounds difficult, does your DH have any idea how you feel?

Well we talked about it last year, then things have been better, lots of effort from both of us. thought I was almost over it. but it looks like it's started up again.

I haven't told him yet, but he knows me inside out, and could see on Saturday and today I'm down and he's been extra huggy and jumping up to do things and asking how I am.

I don't want to say how bad I felt today because I don't trust my own feelings to not be perfectly fine tomorrow 🤷‍♀️ its got to be hormonal? I came on Thursday night and off last night.

I'm 45 with still regular periods, but this last year my emotions are....well have brought me here.

I really think that you should have a talk with a sympathetic GP

Do you really want freedom from those nice things, or do you want to reinvent yourself without limits. Could you do that within your life? Would DH support you if you wanted to learn a skill/start a fresh job/change your emotional/physical environment

You need to be careful what you rip up because I think your feelings may not be lasting and could be helped by less destructive approaches.

Can you talk to him, discuss how you are lost, are lacking personal fulfillment, and feel the need to grow beyond the current confines of your life (or whatever is true) you might find he understands and even shares some of the feelings. You could inspire each other.

Casting yourself into the wilderness is not likely to bring freedom because you'll be even more tied down needing to finance a relatively impoverished life, reduced financial circumstances don't usually bring freedom.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox

I know that's why I'm still here.

he already knows because we talked about it all last year extensively, I can do what ever I want he will support me and has in the past. only thing he can't support me doing (and wouldn't ask!) is getting my own place, whether a house share or flat ect and letting me chase my single crush and having a mad night of sex with them.

last year I was looking for property, so me and a friend and her dc could get a place together, I'd have loved that, and friend loved the idea too!

justasking111 yeah I need to get an appointment.

@aParsnipByAnyOtherName oh god, I hear you. It is radical isn't it and seems so hollow to calculate the losses and gains and try to work out which way to jump. Cruel to your DH (mine too) to even have these thoughts!

Casting yourself into the wilderness is not likely to bring freedom because you'll be even more tied down needing to finance a relatively impoverished life, reduced financial circumstances don't usually bring freedom

I know, I've been brassic before, also homeless. but then I love the challenge of starting from scratch, before dh that's how I was, I'd rip it up and start again. if I didn't like something in my life I'd just flick the Vs and walk away from whatever it was, that includes jobs, homes, boyfriends, parents.

My Mum also suddenly divorced my dad when she was meno, she said it was hard but she's never regretted.

I suppose (BTW this thread is very therapeutic for putting my forming thoughts down)

it's a bit like over 20 years ago DH tamed a tiger and now the dc are grown and I don't have to be a responsible parent, and we've ticked all the responsible adult boxes, marriage, house, kids, nice things, and I've moved and given up my settled life, friends and job twice for dh's career. Now now? what's left to tick? it feels like it should be my time to just do what I want.

it sounds, and it is, very selfish. I know this.

@SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox @aParsnipByAnyOtherName
Do you also feel so annoyed that we're seemingly shackled and chastened for having these hormone fluctuations and desires to just throw a bomb under everything? I mean is it so bad that we want to? Is it just society that says we should be good little wives forever?
I'm not saying we shouldn't feel at least some guilt and remorse for the loving men we may hurt, we're not monsters, but I feel like us women always have to be "fixed" in some way

Tillybud81
I think they're the big questions that's I'm trying to grapple with at the moment, and will I regret it?

Certainly feel like I'm holding a bomb in my hand ready to throw!

when you go through puberty the hormones help ready you to want to be independent and strike out on your own, get away from parents...

it's like menopause hormones are doing the same, You're Done with this phase, now here's a push to get you off to the next stage. but what is the next stage?

pp said similar that maybe it was for women to be able to fuck off and live in peace on by the sea or something 😂

We could do with a village by the sea, of one bedroom homes for women only. From reading this thread I think there would be a long waiting list !

I’m holding my metaphorical bomb too, wondering whether to chuck it away or not. I’ve now switched to thinking that DP deserves someone who loves him, so he can get married and have DC instead of wasting his life with me (I’m probably still able to get pregnant but the idea of it literally makes me want to run away). Maybe I would be doing him a favour if I fucked off. DP doesn’t see it like that and I know I’m just trying to justify what I want to do.

I wonder how many women are out there feeling like this and holding it together, pretending to be normal because they feel they have to?

As an aside, I used to live in a village by the sea. It was a HA flat with some arsehole neighbours but I still loved it.

This was where I was at thinking DP deserved better than a woman half out the door and not interested in being intimate with him. He's 57 and I just couldn't help thinking if I left it any longer I'd be denying him a chance of finding someone else

There's scientific evidence that when women approach menopause the hormone that makes us nurturers fizzles out and testosterone is more evident. https://www.wellnesswarrior.ie/news/2018/11/26/oestrogen-the-nurturing-hormone

https://www.familylawpartners.co.uk/blog/menopause-puts-final-nail-in-the-marriage-coffin

So it's perfectly normal to feel like this at this stage of your life.

But men stay committed to their families without the nurturing hormone and testosterone sloshing round... Are they just accustomed to the levels, so once we adjust we can stay committed? 🤔
I do recognise that as I'm so ready for my kids to be independent, thank God I didn't have them any older than I did as my youngest is ten so still a long way to go! 🙃

I think because we're having babies in our 30s and 40's it's a lot harder. I had two young children at 25. So much energy then. The third at 44 was a shock and I suspect contributed to my spine and hip problems. BUT that itch to find excitement passed me by somewhat. I had a late menopause at 56 and couldn't be arsed to fly the coop.

Men and the mid life crisis is a real thing. Their career has peaked, hair receding, weight gain, they too get antsy. Their testosterone levels drop, their prostate grows bigger. So their not immune.

It's like a switch being flicked, we both got grumpy and irritable together. The difference is I got through it and settled down. The men I know in middle age Sheesh they're grumpy morphing into Victor Meldrew.

My lovely old GP said some of his female patients had affairs to scratch that itch. Kept it a secret and survived

My lovely old GP said some of his female patients had affairs to scratch that itch. Kept it a secret and survived

that's a dangerous thing to 😬😂

Hi @LAMLC2011

Im hoping that sharing my story will help you make a better decision than I did.

I fell for my boss and acted on it. It was ok sex - but awful in every other way.

Despite how it might sound, I’m actually an honest person. Because of the complexity of the situation he wouldn’t let me come clean with my husband. Was trapped in a lie for much longer than I wanted to be (understand I wasn’t really “trapped” but was kind of paralysed by how awful it was).

eventually told husband, who wanted to forgive me - but I pushed for divorce. Honest to god I promise you if you still have one shred of love or care for that man don’t put him or yourself through a divorce. It’s horrendous how you have to pit against each other, make decisions in your interests that aren’t in their favour. Things like property - the problem is, it’s so black and white when it comes down to it (you vs him) and it’s such a hideously brutal process, with winners and losers. Even if you are trying to be kind.

I would tell anyone who still has a shred of love left to try again rather than proceed with the self inflicted trauma of divorce.

Post divorce you will be surprised to find you have much LESS autonomy in a weird way. E.g. Always wanted to move to the country? Well that’s now a pipe dream because you share custody so you are tied to where your husband lives (whereas before you could jointly have moved if you could have convinced him it was a good idea). Imagine he won’t want 50/50 custody? He will, and you will go through the heartbreak of saying good bye to your kid half the time.

If your kid is old enough (my son was 8) he might blame you, be angry and hurt and resentful towards you. Even if you were the primary caregiver who did everything for him from the day he was born. In fact especially in that case as you’ll have let him down worse in a way. This happened to me and I can honestly say of all of the pain this was the worst part. I know what heartbreak feels like. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Think hard about what you would tell your child, and their worst case scenario reaction (now or when they’re older). It’ll be worse.

OP the real implications of the feelings you are having are so devastating you cannot even begin to fathom. Learn from the mistakes of a selfish, idiotic, fickle woman who hurt others for a mediocre shag. forget those feelings.

Howldens thank you for your insight, I am sorry you feel that way for how it’s turned out for you. I don’t think it’s fair to call others selfish and fickle though.

People on the outside may think ‘idiotic’ but the call to start again/run away etc is so strong I guess. Maybe mainly hormones, and some of years of carrying the mental load

JustAsking I think that would probably be the ideal if nobody found out. Not sure we should be monogamous

So sorry you went through that and hope you're ok, but truth is that isn't everyone's reality. Some people are just with the wrong partner and need to love themselves enough to move on from an unhappy life.

I guess I'm lucky I don't have kids so the split isn't so bad, I would have probably fought a lot harder to stay if we did have them though

@CheshireDing she didn’t call the OP or anyone else selfish or fickle. @Howldens was talking about herself and surely she’s free to make that judgement about her own actions?

WolfFox of course she’s free to call herself that. I apologise Howldens I misread