Anyone ever left a happy marriage

[LAMLC2011]

Anyone ever left a happy marriage due to a possible mid life crisis?

I think I might be peri-menopausal as I can tick off alot of the symptoms but my Dr says not (as nothing showing in blood test and I still get periods).

My DH is great in every way, an amazing father too but I'm bored. Not just bored of him more bored with life to be honest.

Just turned 40 and kind of feel like I'm having a mid life crisis. I know I definitely shouldn't uproot mine, my dh and my sons whole life because I'm bored but I keep having these feelings.

Not to drip feed there is someone else I have feelings for but I'm not having an affair in any way (physical or emotional). I'm not even sure they have feelings for me although they are a friend.

Realistically I wouldn't be leaving my husband for this person as they have no idea I'm thinking about leaving my dh and possibly wouldn't want to get involved with splitting up a family (who would!). I do dream about a life with this other person but it's literally a dream (fantasy world)- real life is very different.

I don't want to ruin my life, how do I get through this? I honestly feel like I'm going crazy. It's like I want to run away from my life (not end my life, absolutely not suicidal) and start fresh.

I'm having these thoughts daily.

Has anyone gone through this?

There's lots of threads on the perimenopause UK fb page about this. I think your feelings are quite common.

Well this hit home! This could be my reality if I let boredom get to me.

Crush is out of the picture right now so that's helping me. I'm working through things in my head. I do not want to devastate my dh and son. I really don't.

I have to reiterate what @Howldens said. I have to be honest and say I left a kind (albeit boring) man. I hurt my then teenage children so much that my relationship with my daughter will never recover. They are now young adults and I have missed so much.

I (we including ex-h) could have had a good life and pretty comfortable one. Now it's OK but I do have to be careful.

And for what? Because I married too young and missed out on the 'fun' I didn't have enough of. There wasn't really another man, I did it just for me - so very selfishly.

The guilt after all this time (16 years) is still so strong.

I have remarried, my ex has not. My children both live close to him, and 'look after' him, he's now 72 and still single. The children, particularly my daughter now just about tolerates me. My son is kinder.

I should have done something else, like other posters, but I didn't and have bitterly regretted it.

Me. Having never so much as looked at another man in 18 years I had a completely unpremeditated moment of madness ONS, ended my marriage due to guilt and realisation that we weren’t actually happy any more, despite the fact everyone (including me) thought we were solid. Lost a third of my body weight through stress and now have a completely different life.

Its not better, in fact I miss a lot of being a family unit, though not my husband, at all. Its not worse, I have a new relationship that gives me a lot of what was lacking in my marriage but not the family unit feeling…though that might come in time…its just different. And actually I think different was what I needed. I was old before my time.

@Howldens and @TimeToLose8 thanks for sharing your tale of caution. It confirms the only logical outcome that you could realistically expect from throwing a hand grenade into everyone's life and effectively discarding a much loved person without any real cause for the rejection of that self.
I don't want to do that at all. It's just hard when your mind is determined to focus on the wrong thing and the pull is so strong... It would be like following a will'o'the wisp though.
I wish there was an easy way to quell things. Meanwhile I am really trying to focus on purposeful and constructive choices (exercise more, have fun with the kids etc) which do help though they don't fix.

@Longtitude yes yes, must avoid the trap of being old before your time! That's a killer for causing feelings of unrest.

I feel the same. DH has really let himself go, and I just don't feel attracted to him anymore. Balding, yellowing teeth, dad bod. We hardly have sex but that's more me because I'm so bored of the vanilla sex we have. Life with 2 young children is just so dull and relentless

There is an ex fwb who's been texting me and I'm so tempted to meet up with him..

Some interesting posts and food for thought.

Well the hormones have died down or stabilised or something now.

As feeling a lot less trapped, and looking a my DH again in a better light. He knows me so well, and knows how nuts i can be and still loves me anyway, and that is the crook of it. I feel so secure with him, when I astound myself with irratic behaviour and think what the fuck is wrong with me, why am saying, doing, some of this mad stuff? he just mildly takes the piss out of me, making me laugh at myself, and shows me compassion and love.

at the start of yesterday I still felt low and crazy, had a bad day at work, and felt like and idiot. yet I come home and he made me feel 10 times better. He is priceless.

(I need to have the same curtsey for his faults as he does mine! his being mainly slightly boring)

Crush is just that a fantasy, even if its two way thing, he will never 'get me' or 'understand me ' or embrace my crazy. I can day dream he would, but the reality is, that's not the sort of person he is.

tried to make a GP appointment but they don't have any slots, right up to middle of June, I have to try again next week, were I might be lucky and get one in early July 😒

I'm really not enjoying this rollercoaster. have been talking to a couple of women irl about meno, they are a few years ahead, I've been feeling erratic and they say they have been there and it's shit.

I just have to cling to this, and when I want to run, remember that it is phase that too will pass. (ha! easier said then done!)

just need to get that doctors appointment soon!

@aParsnipByAnyOtherName I can say exactly that about my DH too! We are such a good fit. The 'work guy' connects with me on the one level which DH doesn't... But you can't slice and dice that and add it to what you have, it's one package or the other, and my DH is a great set of qualities I could go round the world and fail to replace... I don't want to lose him at all! It's just an itch demanding to be scratched, but I'm going to ignore it because it's an illusion.

@aParsnipByAnyOtherName and @SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox by the way you write about them it really sounds like there’s a relationship worth saving there, I hope it works out for you.

Someone has just revived an old thread about strip clubs and I found a post I wrote about DP going to one last year. I think I can pinpoint really wanting to leave to the day I found out about that, I always thought of strip clubs as being for gross creepy blokes and now DP is that kind of bloke and I’ve lost respect for him, even though he says they didn’t stay in the club because it was too expensive (like that makes it all ok). I know it’s irrational but sometimes feelings are irrational. At least I can be sure wanting to leave predates meeting crush guy!

He always says he has no money so I pay for stuff like holidays, even though he can always pay for hobbies etc. This year I can’t be bothered because wtf should I work my arse off to pay for a holiday for him and grumpy teenage DDs who have to be persuaded to leave their rooms every once in a while? So now DP is moping around because I don’t even want to go on holiday with him. I’m quite easygoing and don’t really get angry but his sadface is doing my head in!

I resonate with all these posts.. I’m unhappy in my marriage but he’s a good man and good father but has been recently diagnosed as ADHD. The children are happy and he’s happy. I just lost myself in this. I thought this what I wanted but it’s not. I come from a broken home and seen the consequences of it. I don’t talk to my family so no support system and I have no money due to being a SAHM. I moved countries , 13 years of marriage and in my mid 40’s . I just want go live in small Italian village by the sea and stay there, but the reality is if we get divorced I’ll have to stay near them and dating again is overwhelming.
I tried telling him this morning I should get a career and I might be having a mid life crisis. He didn’t engage in the conversation ( he’s barely talks) he just said you know best and went to work… I know I’m unhappy and have been for a couple of years because I’m lonely, as long as I’m the good mom and DIL and wife, then life is perfect. I just wanted to post and vent out. Thank you for reading .

Get a job and get your wages paid into your own account. Then put money across if you need to
Just start gaining some independence, it really is liberating.

@DustyLee123 I’m trying but being unemployed for 13+ isn’t working to my advantage unfortunately

@NoraLuka and @Tuffmama 💔💔💔
So sorry your desires are so out of reach without even the consolation of compensatory pluses. 😪

Thank you… it’s good to vent… even if I know not much can change..

I feel the same. I’m 40 and so bored with my life. I work full time and have two children with disabilities - one has very profound needs and I suspect I’ll be a carer for life which is so depressing. I’m utterly worn out by the constant demands that my DH doesn’t have to think about like dinner, keeping on top of the kids hygiene (one has self care needs).

I’m so bored. I’ve changed my job, I’m desperate to move area but trapped by the kids education though I’ve begged my DH to move once they’ve left high school. Life feels utterly joyless.

I think for a lot of women we get to 40 and realise having it all when you’ve got kids has cost us so much when men’s lives don’t always massively change.

How does your DH feel about his life? My DH although finds our kids very challenging has not changed his life, he still goes out and goes to his hobbies. I just don’t have any energy left to do anything.

Get any job so that you can get recent experience and a reference.

I’m trying, but I’m not hearing back… 🙏🏼

I went back to school and retrained because I was out of the workforce for so long. Little steps @DustyLee123 . I brushed up computer skills then studied marketing.

Just wondering how you're all getting on?

I've not messaged 'crush' for 4.5 weeks, which has helped me be less obsessed. I still think about him often and I know if I see him I'll still get butterflies but I don't think I'm likely to see him soon so that's good (I guess!). I have heard it didn't work out with his gf but that news has not made me message him which I think is progress!
I'm slightly less bored with life because I've had lots on recently (fun things with friends, family/dh).
I'm definitely in a better place mentally now but not 100% there.
Hope you're all OK.

Not much has changed for me.

I spent an entire day with crush guy (and DP, and a load of other friends). It made me realise what an absolute PITA he is - he is 35 and never had a relationship longer than about 2 years, and there are reasons for that! He told me all about his various exes (what does it mean if a bloke does that?) Despite all this, I still like him. 🤯

a little better, really appreciating dh at moment. I love how comfy I am with him, he knows me so well, can read me like a book, and knows how to cheer me up whatever the reason for being upset sad or angry. he's always doing little thoughtful things for me, and he abrasives my crazy.

still having to see work guy everyday, but fingers crossed I seem to be a little at peace with that at the moment and can cope, and somedays just wonder why I liked him. I think its because I keep telling myself how insecure I would be with him, and how much we just wouldn't work.

Im constantly thinking my situation through.

Im worried about the future with my current partner, I’m just not feeling it anymore and the thought of a lifetime together is worrying. I have 2 DC to think about too.

Guy in work is in a similar situation. We’ve both have an attraction toward each other. But our work situation could change soon and I won’t see him, which I have to admit makes me really sad

I’m currently going through the trauma of my DH having an affair. My DH is on the scene but we aren’t back together. He does seem genuinely devastated and wanted to take his own life. My eldest DC is 12 and has changed with his dad which is devastating DH more. Everyone around him is angry with him. I’m not saying I’m perfect but just for context I’m a lot younger than his AP and I’m not short of attention from men. I do a lot for the family and I’m fun and outgoing. DH knows all of this and is distraught by what he has done as we had a lovely life. He’s 39 and like you think he was having a midlife crisis but it’s fucked everything up. He’s broken my heart more than I could ever have imagined. Honestly just never speak to this man again. It is a fantasy that is not real! You need to see a counsellor before you shatter your world and those around you.

So sorry to hear of this seismic devastation in your life @Daffodil18 . I definitely don't want to be the cause of that kind of pain. 💔

I'm working hard to keep the object of these feelings I have at arms length. I don't want them, or him.

I know the true source of these feelings is the sense of life slipping by while I'm 'on the sidelines' seeing through my chosen commitments. I don't resent these commitments, but, I am a bit lost and the part of me that wants to be seen and be spontaneous is responding to the connection this person has with me.

My head knows that life isn't slipping away, this is life, and it's perfect as it is. The other person is no answer to any question at all.

Like pp above I'm doing better recently, the thoughts are no longer occupying my every waking moment, thank goodness - I was hating that. I've been giving my attention to all the good people in my life who belong there, and trying to pursue the lighter side of life and focusing on positive action. Going in the right direction.