Anyone ever left a happy marriage

[LAMLC2011]

Anyone ever left a happy marriage due to a possible mid life crisis?

I think I might be peri-menopausal as I can tick off alot of the symptoms but my Dr says not (as nothing showing in blood test and I still get periods).

My DH is great in every way, an amazing father too but I'm bored. Not just bored of him more bored with life to be honest.

Just turned 40 and kind of feel like I'm having a mid life crisis. I know I definitely shouldn't uproot mine, my dh and my sons whole life because I'm bored but I keep having these feelings.

Not to drip feed there is someone else I have feelings for but I'm not having an affair in any way (physical or emotional). I'm not even sure they have feelings for me although they are a friend.

Realistically I wouldn't be leaving my husband for this person as they have no idea I'm thinking about leaving my dh and possibly wouldn't want to get involved with splitting up a family (who would!). I do dream about a life with this other person but it's literally a dream (fantasy world)- real life is very different.

I don't want to ruin my life, how do I get through this? I honestly feel like I'm going crazy. It's like I want to run away from my life (not end my life, absolutely not suicidal) and start fresh.

I'm having these thoughts daily.

Has anyone gone through this?

My boredom is so bad that I'm reading these cautionary tales and thinking, "God I wish I had a work guy!". 🤣 But I work with a bunch of lovely but not fanciable women.

@RelaxingClassics 🤣🤣
My 'work guy' came into my day yesterday and I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest as I stood there chatting cool as a cucumber (I hope was how it seemed!) and inwardly preventing myself from ripping his clothes off.
In a way it has perked things up. But it's also a form of torture. 🙈

What I have learned in the last year is - life is a long adventure, never say never! 😆

OP the thing that stands out for me is that you only ever say that you haven't cheated on your husband physically because of the boundaries put in place by the OM. I actually feel sorry for both your husband and the OM, I don't really feel sorry for you as you have committed properly to neither of them.

If this other man has been in the background for more than a decade you haven't been focusing on your family entirely have you, he's always there in your mind as a backup option. It might seem like a "happy marriage" but that's only because presumably your husband is completely in the dark, if he could see your phone or your messenger now would he still be happy? If OM messaged right now and said "oh, relationship with the woman I'm seeing is off, let's meet" you'd probably woop for joy.

It is time to choose - for YOU to choose not let fate/the OM decide for you. You need to positively decide are you happy with your husband and going to stay with him, love him, work on the relationship and try to strengthen it against future affairs. Or are you going to positively decide that you want to be single either for its own sake or with a view to forming a relationship with the other man?

You're living a half life and no wonder you're not happy.

I'm 45 and feeling like this at the moment. No real big stresses in my life at the moment but I just want to run away with my dog and be alone somewhere tranquil away from modern life. No idea if I'm peri menopausal or not as still having regular periods. but I do feel I have massively changed and finding just simple every day life a massive struggle. Is there an older women's island somewhere we can escape to!

You're 100% right!

I want to work on being happy in my marriage.

Well if you’re sure about that you need to cut off the OM and work on making over the life you have into something more like the life you want. But I think the focus has to come first.

It's a tale as old as time.

(Doesn't make it any easier when you are going through it though)

Saw 'work guy' today.
I don't want to have him occupy so much space in my head, it's a mess. I love my husband so much, this makes no sense.

It's awful isn't it. I'm going no contact with my crush (luckily only see him once or twice a year) - he never ever messages me first so as long as I can stay strong I won't be speaking to him.
It's just so hard because I still have so many thoughts whirling around my head. Trying to ignore the nonsense though.

Yes, so awful. I see mine a lot. 😭
The trouble is there is no simple way out of this. It's torture in every direction, I didn't want these feelings to develop, I didn't encourage anything, it was just bam - between the eyes, never saw it coming - it was like a light switch, one day he was just a normal bloke (I have lots of male friends, never had a flicker for any of them) the next, he was the reason I was breathing.
I don't want an affair
I don't want to betray my lovely amazing husband
I don't want to think about 'work guy'
I don't want the world to fade to black and white when 'work guy' isn't around, work guy' is like oxygen and makes me feel alive.
My life is nice the way it is, why is the pull so damn strong!? Well I know why, he connects with me on my wavelength in a way no one else does... But he would not be a good life partner for me and I don't want that anyway, it's just he lights up parts of my soul that no one else does.
Which sounds like bs, but feels real.

But, I want to focus on my family and my life, I don't want these intrusive thoughts. I wish I'd never met him in a way. But at the same time the feelings have galvanised me, I have made some positive changes because I have been energised and not feeling stuck in a rut, so if anything positive comes out of this it will be that I hold onto the energy and positive changes but manage to damp down the unwanted feelings. Hopefully extinguish them.

God it's hard work though. And lovely because I'm not going to confide in anyone. I'm glad for this outlet.

Lovely not lovely!! 🤣🤣🤣 Oh Christ even auto correct isn't on my side.

Lonely! Come on!!

@LAMLC2011 I'm glad you started the thread, and I'm pleased for you that you only see yours rarely and have a simpler way to avoid. Doesn't change the intensity but at least there's that.

Yes, another one here who is bored and perimenopausal.

I am trying to work on different aspects of my life - developing interests, friendships etc. but it only seems to get me so far, nothing seems to be lighting me up or if it does, I struggle to maintain the feeling. I wish I had an absorbing career to lose myself in but I don't and likely never will.

The idea that someone will come along and take me away from all this is very appealing (but not realistic, I get it). Also, the highs that having a 'work guy' can bring also seems appealing when faced with an otherwise dull existence but in reality could detonate a perfectly good life.

I feel lonely. I'm trying to work through this in therapy. I have a dh who is hardworking, loyal, provides stability etc. but I wonder if a lack of proper connection/being too different is to blame or whether it is something that comes from within. I can't work out whether it is a me issue - the peri, lack of direction in life, boredom etc or whether it is an us issue. I feel jaded and low with the peri. I've just started HRT so hoping that will turn things around a bit. The thought of tearing down my life and re-building it feels exhausting. I guess there is something to be said for having stability especially when you hear of the regrets of ladies who have left and found the grass isn't necessarily greener.

I'm also grateful to have this outlet for discussion. My friends it seems, don't have these issues and it can feel very isolating trying to work through this.

I think we need to add in the possibility of post covid fatigue. I definitely feel different since those weird covid times, can’t be bothered to go on days out or holidays etc, but I can’t work out if it’s peri or covid.

Yes definitely. Covid changed things more than people realise I think. I've not had an abroad holiday since 2019 and not sure I can be bothered.

open.spotify.com/episode/32rf33vKkSWVTQTQuPNZ1h?si=e6zocSzxRfeIyzs6XbLDRQ

Have a listen to this. It will give your head a wobble.

I don’t know what to do. I keep coming back to this thread because so much of what other people are saying makes sense - feeling lonely especially.

I saw ex-crush guy yesterday and actually, it’s not an ex-crush at all. He is kind of borderline flirty but I think he’s just joking but not, if that makes sense. It makes no difference anyway because I wouldn’t cheat on DP.

DP is still making an effort but I’m not. It’s like all my effort-making motivation has gone. He wants us to go on holiday this summer, I usually organise and pay for holidays but just can’t be bothered this year. Once we got into the car to drive down to our campsite and he asked where we were going, couldn’t even guess at the name of the place. He came to the garden centre with me yesterday and wanted to go for a walk this morning but I said no. It feels fake, as though he likes having a girlfriend and is just doing what you have to do to keep the girlfriend.

Eh - I've been through the other side of this - my ex-wife (no kids) of 22 years went to Bali last Easter, told me she wanted to move there, then when she returned told me that it was without me (I would have been fine moving. My ex is Indonesian and we lived there for six years in the past) We went through counseling (at first she said no point) but when it started to work she stopped. Now divorced.

If it was just me, I would feel much worse about my part in the end of the marriage. But she also walked away/ cut ties with many of her family and friends (for example - telling her best friend for over 20 years that she was now downgraded to 'casual friend') The counseling and therapy helped me realise it wasn't me, it was just that I was no longer what she wanted or needed - telling that she told friends that 'she didn't need anything from me anymore'. It was a good marriage until it wasn't. I do hope she finds happiness (she's 50)

Turns out she had been planning to leave since 2020. I was content with our life - she wasn't. The bit about men wanting to slip into old age resonates - for her, contentment wasn't enough

I've ended up in Delhi, on a short term consulting contract, as moving countries/ taking on a high pressure job again is a good way of making sure I don't have time to mope about it - for a while after she left I was drinking to numb things.

Menopause is a factor. She was on induced menopause (breast cancer survivor) and stopped taking the medication - against doctor's recommendation - as she wanted to feel like a woman again. Going into then out of menopause was a roller coaster.

Very interesting to read OP. I could pretty much have written what a lot of people on here have said

Married, small DC, bored bored bored. But am I bored of me, DH, work etc ? God know which it is or maybe everything/everyone.

Also had a ‘Work Husband’ (and I was his Wife Work) as we called each other

I can sort of see where your DW was coming from Wisbech I sometimes fantasise about restarting a fresh, somewhere nobody knows me. No idea why though 🤷‍♀️

I am married and DH and I are together but there are numerous times I have said to him I would be quite happy alone(sick of doing everything) I definitely wouldn’t get married again I know that much

it's was interesting reading your side wisbeach the fact that couples counselling helped you see its wasn't you.

that's thing DH has done nothing wrong, and I couldn't bear to hurt him. I do love him but when these feelings of starting a fresh come on, it's the love I have for him and not wanting to hurt him that stops me.

@wisbech really sorry you were put through that, and I think you must be a great guy to be able to have the grace to wish her well at the end of that whole upending process. It sounds like you're ex was in the grip of some powerful feelings and maybe she wishes it weren't so, or accepts it was the way it was and some things you can't evaporate no matter how much you might want to.

I wish you well and hope that you are able to find a new version of your life which is fulfilling.

I think we kid ourselves that all our motives and desires are within our control, we are more animal than we admit as a society and I think the basic desires which drive us are overlaid with personal ethical codes and social rules, but sometimes those aren't strong enough to keep the wheels on the rails.

My own personal internal drama is not welcome and I am not going to explode my life and the lives of those who share it with me for something which I believe is a temporary deviation, it is not who I am.

@aParsnipByAnyOtherName I hear that. 🙏

I've clicked the link, will try to listen later, so only read the title not listened to the whole thing... The thing is, my sex life with DH is great, really really great... So it's not a dull bedroom which is the root cause of my trouble.