Anyone ever left a happy marriage

[LAMLC2011]

Anyone ever left a happy marriage due to a possible mid life crisis?

I think I might be peri-menopausal as I can tick off alot of the symptoms but my Dr says not (as nothing showing in blood test and I still get periods).

My DH is great in every way, an amazing father too but I'm bored. Not just bored of him more bored with life to be honest.

Just turned 40 and kind of feel like I'm having a mid life crisis. I know I definitely shouldn't uproot mine, my dh and my sons whole life because I'm bored but I keep having these feelings.

Not to drip feed there is someone else I have feelings for but I'm not having an affair in any way (physical or emotional). I'm not even sure they have feelings for me although they are a friend.

Realistically I wouldn't be leaving my husband for this person as they have no idea I'm thinking about leaving my dh and possibly wouldn't want to get involved with splitting up a family (who would!). I do dream about a life with this other person but it's literally a dream (fantasy world)- real life is very different.

I don't want to ruin my life, how do I get through this? I honestly feel like I'm going crazy. It's like I want to run away from my life (not end my life, absolutely not suicidal) and start fresh.

I'm having these thoughts daily.

Has anyone gone through this?

Just to say, I’m 40, nothing showed on bloods and I still get regular periods. I have been diagnosed as peri menopausal by a private specialist and prescribed HRT which has been a game changer for me.

@LAMLC2011 I'm envious of you not seeing your 'work guy' for a few weeks, that would really help get some emotional distance going. Though impressed @aParsnipByAnyOtherName you can see yours every day and still cope, I see mine a few times a week and that's so unsettling, I just manage to get some distance and it's all fresh again. I think I'm going to have to use grey rock strategies, though a cold relationship would be awkward as we are always going to be in close proximity to each other.
However, I too have been really appreciating DH recently, I've been deliberately noticing everything that's great about him. Forcibly seeing him through fresh eyes (I even went to watch him play his sport one evening for a few minutes without him knowing as I was passing on the way to the supermarket, he was easily the sexiest guy on the field and I know he's lovely too... him just doing his thing, unaware of me, allowed me to see him as though from the point of view of someone who didn't know him and would notice him and check him out) and putting myself in the mindset of when we first met and fell in love... he's still that guy in fact better as he's grown and improved with maturity, so it's purely familiarity and the hamster wheel of life that is acting to distract me elsewhere.
Probably some hormones on my side too. I've dealt with that, diet and exercise improvements, hrt, it's all helped.
So, I'm determined to channel my efforts into keeping alive what I have and not ripping it up and chasing an illusion.

@NoraLuka - if your 'work guy' is objectively a pita You know your feelings are just a nonsense deep down... So can you work out what buttons it is that he is pressing? So it's not him as such but the itch he's scratching that's the real issue. If you can identify that you can meet that need some other way and take away the power of the feelings?

@SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox I think the main attraction is that he isn’t DP, to be honest! DP is a good guy too but everything he does gets on my nerves (been like that for a while!) Maybe that’s normal after being together for years? Ideally we’d each have our own houses so I wouldn’t have to know or care what he’s having for his tea or where his clean socks are or anything like that. DP doesn’t want that so it’s a choice between staying or splitting up.

I know the feeling, I’m the same with my DP, he annoys me on a daily basis and if I ever try to disagree with something he shoots me down. I’m going away in a couple of weeks for a big birthday celebration with my friends , I never go away and all I’m hearing is moaning about me going as he will have DC for 3 nights, I’m honestly wishing I hadn’t booked it now

@Purpleplanet564 I hope you still go, ignore the moaning and enjoy yourself!

One thing about DP (and this will get me shot down here) is that he’s lost his driving license twice for drink driving, he has it back now but I have to drive him (and drinking buddies) everywhere so he doesn’t lose it again. This has been going on for about 6 years and I’m fed up never being able to have a drink myself. I have spoken to him about it but it makes no difference really. I went through a phase of never going out in the evenings with him but it wasn’t good for our relationship as we never did anything together, now I do go out with him (which led to meeting crush guy) but I’m still not happy.

I see all the PPs saying about how they don’t want to chuck a bomb in their lives but I wonder if in my case it might not be a good thing.

@SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox

I'm glad you are appreciating your DH more too.

I wouldn't say I cope with seeing him everyday, and as ever my emotions change like the weather sadly. I miss him on weekends, my holidays or his holidays(it doesn't interfere with my time with DH its more like i have this empty hole all the time). If he's late or has an odd day off it throws me, so even if I was doing fine and thinking I'm slowly getting better the fact he's not there when I thought he would be, means he just fills my head space right up again.

I've done the whole grey rock thing (8 months) it sort of helped, it just changed the situation. The slightest look or change in body language, had my mind racing. In the end, it just became an effort to keep ignoring his presence, and it hurt.

Tentatively talking again, and its so so hard not to get back into the old flow, were I then get massive happy highs, followed by confusion then pulling back again followed by a massive low. I'm really trying to get a happy medium. it's not working most of the time 😒

But on the plus side as I said before DH is really being just what I need right now. I love him dearly.

at work I am in love with a fantasy, and I mean in the sense that I have built work guy up into someone he properly isn't, and that's what I focus on, He is not how I see him. There are lots of things which I think I minimise about him or choose not to see. I now focus on the those things, instead of allowing myself to wear rose-tinted glasses. This has helped.

@NoraLuka
10 years ago DH had a drink problem, and I did chuck the bomb in! and honestly the freedom I felt was amazing. it was a struggle to find somewhere for me and dc, and his drunken anger and arguments were not at all pleasant. But it was definitely the right thing to do.

I got back with DH when he got help and stopped drinking. He is a different person with alcohol, one I despised.

How long have you both been together? It’s hard isn’t it, I could imagine driving him around would annoy me after a certain length of time, you sound like you put up with a lot. Aside from that, do you both get on well in other areas of your relationship?
I’m not married but I think DP wants to propose and get married, that’s throwing me into a panic!

Not read the full thread but I am similar. Mid 40s. Everything on paper is great. But I am bored. Everything is predictable. Even my hobbies which are very physical. The only one that inspires me is sparring and I'm crap at it but at least it gets the adrenaline and fear pumping.

I'd love some sutble sedution but DH is just obvious and repetitive and there is no effort. Nothing is new and exciting, and I wonder at our 10 year age gap.

Although I have stopped messaging 'him', I do still like/comment on his fb posts ... then when he reacts to this I feel excited - so I've realised I'm definitely not over him. I think I could creep back into obsession far too easily.
At least I don't have to see him in person, I know I'd feel butterflies.
I have definitely built him up to be someone completely different in my life than he is. In reality he is an ex work colleague I had an EA with a long long time ago, he's over it and I'm clearly not. He's a decent person not to be taking advantage of my craziness (/boredom).
Sorry, just wanted to get a few thoughts out.
I'm definitely better when not messaging him.

There is a 10 year age gap between me and DH too, and when he started with ED in his mid 50’s while I had that last hormonal rush of being gagging for it, that’s when the resentment kicked in. Chuck in a few other things, and it was over for me, I shut down inside so we live together as housemates. But I don’t want to share my house any more.

so glad I've found this thread and I've name changed for this post. I'm 45 and going through this myself at the moment no idea if I'm peri menopausal or not but most likely am given my age. My dp is a really great guy we've been together over 25 years with 2 dcs must admit our sex life is practically none existant and to be honest I honestly no longer desire sex with him. I feel like I love him but am no longer in love with him and to be honest I'm bored of him. I feel awful for feeling this way as he's such a lovely man, fantastic father to our dcs, hardworking. but I can't shake my desire for another man off. this post struck a cord with me from @SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox Yes, so awful. I see mine a lot. 😭
The trouble is there is no simple way out of this. It's torture in every direction, I didn't want these feelings to develop, I didn't encourage anything, it was just bam - between the eyes, never saw it coming - it was like a light switch, one day he was just a normal bloke (I have lots of male friends, never had a flicker for any of them) the next, he was the reason I was breathing.

I don't want an affair

I don't want to betray my lovely amazing husband

I don't want to think about 'work guy'

I don't want the world to fade to black and white when 'work guy' isn't around, work guy' is like oxygen and makes me feel alive.

My life is nice the way it is, why is the pull so damn strong!? Well I know why, he connects with me on my wavelength in a way no one else does... But he would not be a good life partner for me and I don't want that anyway, it's just he lights up parts of my soul that no one else does.
My OM is not 'work guy' but is a neighbour who lives nearby. I definitely don't want a relationship with him as it definitely wouldn't work out, hes nothing like my dp but I can't shake off my desire to just want sex with him,can't get him out of my mind. weve flirted a bit and exchanged messages usually about quite mundane stuff nothing saucy. hes also in a relationship. i just feel like a teenager again with a mad crush but its awakened something in me and i feel alive and excited again.
dp is my first and only sexual partner I want to experience sex with another man before I get too old!

@aParsnipByAnyOtherName well done for making that decision, sometimes being brave and making difficult decisions really is the right thing to do.

@Purpleplanet564 we’ve been together 8 years, living together for 6. He’s a nice guy but he says really OTT things like I’m the best thing that ever happened to him and I hate that because he doesn’t back it up with actions, like doing his share of the housework etc.

I understand the panic feeling around getting married, it’s supposed to be something everyone wants but I really don’t. DP wants children too but has said he’s ‘made peace’ with not having them because I don’t want any more DC. I know that’s the right decision for me but feel guilty anyway.

@whatrthechances that post struck a chord too.

It really feels like being a teenager again, but x1000!

So 'crush' sent me a jokey pm on fb on Sunday...I realised I'm not over him at all because this made me giddy with excitement (he never msgs me 1st).

So we chatted most of Sunday, he responds to things I say but never asks me any questions etc.

After 5 weeks of nc I honestly was feeling better and wanting to work on my marriage but now I'm all obsessed again! (I was so shocked he msged me a day after I last posted on here)

If he sends me selfies (I've asked for) .. what does this mean? He never ever reciprocate's my affections but always replies & sends pics if we're in a chatty stage. Going to try to not msg him again now (I can't see him msging me 1st again - think it was a genuine reaction to my new fb pic).

He's being very 'cat' in this relationship dynamic. If you are struggling to flick the off switch, maybe give yourself a role to mirror him... As he is only responding that should dial things right down... And start to give your dopamine triggers a chance to recalibrate because that's not very encouraging.

i know the feeling of not hearing from them and then when they do it suddenly brings feelings back. would you consider blocking him on fb?

I’m sad in my situation, we could potentially not work together anymore and it really makes me sad. He really makes me smile and without him around I’m just going to be miserable

@LAMLC2011 you are titillation and ego boost for when he needs it. You are dropped when he doesn’t. You’ll never be anything more than that. You‘ll continue this self destruct cycle and blocking yourself from moving on and any hope of happiness in your actual relationship by refusing to block him and go NC. You’ll accidentally hey caught out by your partner and devestate him. Your family will get ripped apart. The Crush will disappear. Unless he fancies being your rebound shag. He won’t want to get involved in the actual emotional fall out of your marriage though.

you’ll end up single and lonely. Probably still pining after your crush and awaiting random texts and selfies from him.

either…

1. end your relationship with DH as you aren’t happy.

2. get therapy to see if you are trying to self destruct your relationship for other reasons (I did this once in a relationship because my depression told me I wasn’t ‘enough’ or worthy of a loving relationship etc).

3. objectively (as possible!) assess this crush. Realistically what are the benefits of getting into a relationship with him that could at any point be public warts and all. What’s the fall out. Is it worth it.

Wow. Thank you.
I actually said to him I give him an ego boost and he says he has no ego to boost 😂 Whenever I tell him he's sexy he says he isn't etc etc but yeah, that's a tactic to get me to give him more compliments I think!
You're right in everything you've said. Thank you again.

That's a good summary @TheCatterall

@Purpleplanet564 🤗 that's tough. The only solution I've found is actively seeking positive living and forcing myself to be completely present with the people I'm with when my mind starts to wander. I try to channel the energy I have for 'work guy' into these legitimate people and find it lifts those interactions so that adds colour into my days without relying on contact with him for that.

I've done really well this week, have been choosing to notice all the great things DH is and reminding myself of all the flaws of 'work guy'.
I even saw him today (this is an inescapable regular occurrence) and though I got the butterflies etc I kept a running commentary in my head of a sensible critique of the ridiculousness of it all.
In reality I know that it is only my life stage and specific circumstances that has temporarily stripped the fun out of life and left me receptive to 'being noticed' - emotionally that is. I'm pushing it away and trying to address the root cause (seeking meaningful connections).
But heck, when the connection is so effortless and a welcome boost of colour and oxygen... It's not freaking easy. 🫣

Wow! That's so disingenuous! Everyone has an ego and everyone likes to feel good about themselves!!
I'm getting the ick... Would you like some <helpful> 😁

Haha yes please! I wish he gave me the ick! His selfies from the weekend have sent me loopy.

This was so hastily written - apologies for garbled thoughts.

Oof. That's tough.
It takes enormous effort to get it out of your head when that happens doesn't it!

I mentioned this at the start of the thread but have you been over to www.livingwithlimerance.com

It bears repeating because it is SO helpful.

Wait, you tell him he is sexy ? And ask him for selfies? I thought this was a little fantasy from afar 🫨. If you're telling him stuff like this and he contacted you first after you stopped....its because he likes the attention without the guilt. He's using you I'm afraid.