34 weeks pregnant and we just found out he has another child

[Shauna27]

My husband and I have been together 6 years and we're expecting our first child next month. I'm so happy to be pregnant as it was a difficult journey to get to this stage (multiple miscarriages and rounds of ivf) but my whole world came crashing down yesterday when he received a call from a relative of his to say that a women had contacted them claiming he was their father.
I cant even believe I'm writing this, it doesn't feel real.

This women is in her late 20s (she would have been conceived when my husband was very young and also there is a 10 year age difference between my husband and I). My husband doesn't know what to do with moving forward. He wants to do whatever I feel ok/comfortable with as he said his first priority is me and our baby. I just feel like the world has come crashing down on me and now I carry the burden of deciding how he should proceed with this. I'm obviously very fragile emotionally given the circumstances, and would prefer that this girl never existed because of the pain it creates for me, but at the same time, I would never deny my husband the right to connect with his daughter nor her the right to connect with her father. It just hurts so much that the timing of this is literally weeks before my baby is due and it feels like the joy of that moment is being stolen from me because I have to deal with this situation. I've just come on here for some advice and maybe a way to see this in a positive light because I really don't want to feel so sad in the lead up to my baby being born, it makes me feel so guilty for my baby.

Just to add, my husband isn't even entirely sure that he's definitely the father as this happened many years ago after a very short fling and the women he had the fling with never contacted him regarding a pregnancy and there would have been literally no reason she couldn't have as he would have been supportive of whatever she wanted to do. My husband is completely floored by the news too. Any advice would be really helpful! Thank you in advance.

I can imagine how shocked you must both be. But I have to say I don’t really understand you feeling pain about this, I mean this kindly - why is this painful to you?

I am certain that he is the father OP. I know the news must be terribly shocking. But it is what it is. The child was conceived 10 years ago, so long ago before he met you. I would try and support him and who knows, you may even start to get get on with your stepdaughter/son.

Massive over reaction from you and awful of you to wish she doesn't exist. You have not been with him for even half her life, why is this a problem for you?

The "child" was conceived over 20 years ago, she's no longer a child. Which is what makes this situation very difficult, I don't know what kind of a relationship she envisions with her potential father as we don't even live in the same country as her.

She's a grown women who he never knew existed until yesterday? I don't see how I'm over-reacting?

It sounds like the woman is in her twenties so conceived decades ago, I assume he was a teenager?

I think what you're feeling is a type of jealousy tbh. You are about to have your longed for child, you don't want there to be anybody else in his life, you feel that in some way this is taking him away from your child and you naturally feel protective of your baby. The first step is acknowledging those feelings. It's understandable to feel that but apply some logic:

Your husband dearly wants your child
He may be able to build a relationship with this woman but he can't go back in time, he won't ever have with them what he will have with your child
You gain far more than you lose by welcoming your baby's half sibling in to your lives, children need family. This could be wonderful for all of you.

Incredible skills you have! Can you post a copy of the DNA test you somehow managed to perform? 😅

Well if she is his, she is. That's just genetics. And they should have a relationship if they both want one, it's not down to you and it's unfair he's saying it's your choice. That's a massive cop out in my opinion.

I didn't want to read and not respond. You are not over reacting and I think it is a natural response to feel how you are, especially being 34 weeks pregnant. Take care of yourself and baby.

🤔🤨

I don't really understand why you are sad about this or why it is up to you to decide anything - the ball is 100% in his court and it's his problem.
There is no need for you to meet this girl if you don't want to,
If he wants to meet her let him get on with it.
I feel more sorry for this girl not having a father all of her life, I've been there and still have never met my father because he is not interested.
It took me many years of therapy to get over it.
Its all completely his problem. Not yours. Don't let him push this onto you.

Goodness! There are some very harsh responses here!

OP, I understand what a shock this news must be for you and your husband. I have to say, if I were your husband I would request a DNA test be done before I accepted that this woman is my daughter. If it turns out that she definitely is, then your husband will need to decide whether or not he wishes to meet his daughter and whether or not he wishes to keep in contact with her.

I should imagine that she's only just been told her father's identity by her mother, so it's very understandable that she would want to meet him.

I’d feel exactly as you do. For many reasons that I likely wouldn’t be able to make sense of straightaway but I’d definitely feel the same.

I think DH should write and explain the situation. He could ask her for six months or so to just get his head around everything and focus on your new baby and then they can talk or meet. She a grown woman. She will very likely understand. Possibly has children herself. Six months makes little difference after 29 years.
I think the wording & tone needs to be spot on though. It can’t sound like she’s done the wrong thing getting in touch or that he’s just busy & she’s an inconvenience. Essentially even that letter would be the start of communication which is presumably what she wants.

it’s a tough situation but for now the end of your pregnancy and your new baby are what matters. Try to stay focused on that for now.

It's not like you've discovered a child he conceived while he was in a relationship with you. It's ok to feel a little side swiped, it's not ok to wish this girl didn't exist. Why shouldn't she have a father and why shouldnt he know his daughter? It's big news, not bad news

I can understand you’re upset.
You are awaiting the birth of your much longed for baby, a baby you thought was the first for both of you, and you are understandably excited and want everything to be perfect.
The timing is really unfortunate for you, and I sympathise.
If it turns out that this young adult actually is his flesh and blood once you come to terms with the initial shock would you not want/ expect him to at least have some sort of relationship with her?
It won’t make him appear a good father if he doesn’t, and that is what you hope he will be to your child.
It is wholly unfair of him to put the responsibility for any decision onto you. He needs to make his decision and then implement it in the most considerate way.

I totally empathise with the shock of this news especially at this time op!! It would hurt me a lot

but!!

she is in her 20s - she might be a wonderful addition to your life & she won’t need minding and financial support as a young child would

also it might not even but true so don’t panic

Jeez I assumed a small child and maintenance etc. This is completely up to your husband to manage. If I were him I’d be asking for a dna test first!

Why should there have to be infidelity for me to feel shocked by this news? I never said she shouldn't have a father - her mother made that decision when she decided to keep her pregnancy to herself and now my husband and I have to deal with this bombshell weeks before our first born is due.

@Gettingbysomehow my husband and your father are totally different. Her mother never told my husband she existed so it was her mother who denied her the opportunity to have a father all of her life. My husband will meet her and do the right thing, the problem is the timing of this news and the fact that we don't live in the same country as her.

What a huge shock. No wonder you feel so thrown.

I can see why you stressed - it's a huge thing for your husband to deal with, at a time when you were expecting to be his entire focus. It does sound, though, as if your husband is trying his absolute best.

Since you ask what to do - would it be possible to arrange a meeting between him and her as soon as possible? This isn't going to go away, if he's the biological father. This poor girl obviously wants answers, and she deserves them, but you could take back control by actively encouraging a meet-up soon, and getting it out of the way before you give birth. Then, you would be able to concentrate on the birth with a clear conscience, and even though you'd likely find she wanted more meetings, it wouldn't be weighing on you so much.

Because you have no reason to be hurt by this.

Maybe it's because you're pregnant, but i think you are over-panicking here. Yes it's a shock. But it's not going to ruin your lives. She is an adult so he doesn't need to provide practical care. He might in future want to give financial support but that is a decision you can both discuss slowly, there's no rush.

In my eyes there's no decision to be made. If you find you have a child, of course you talk to them, get to know them, build a relationship if they are amenable. I hope that it goes smoothly and that you all end up with a valued new connection in your life.

It doesn't reflect on your baby at all, the daughter and your preganancy are separate things. I guess it's a shock that your child won't be his first-born, technically, but you will still be learning all the firsts together, things will still be how you imagined them.

@SarahAndQuack thank you for your reply and yes I totally agree with your suggestion, the problem we have is that she lives in a different country to us and I have a high risk pregnancy that means I could need to be induced at any scan I go to from this point onwards, hence the stress I feel about him meeting her before the baby comes.

@Shauna27 no idea why people are being so unsympathetic - of course it’s a huge shock and will take some to process. I think whatever you both decide, proceeding slowly and with your current pregnancy as priority would be the way to go.

Best wishes x

I'm hurt by the timing of it all!?