34 weeks pregnant and we just found out he has another child

[Shauna27]

My husband and I have been together 6 years and we're expecting our first child next month. I'm so happy to be pregnant as it was a difficult journey to get to this stage (multiple miscarriages and rounds of ivf) but my whole world came crashing down yesterday when he received a call from a relative of his to say that a women had contacted them claiming he was their father.
I cant even believe I'm writing this, it doesn't feel real.

This women is in her late 20s (she would have been conceived when my husband was very young and also there is a 10 year age difference between my husband and I). My husband doesn't know what to do with moving forward. He wants to do whatever I feel ok/comfortable with as he said his first priority is me and our baby. I just feel like the world has come crashing down on me and now I carry the burden of deciding how he should proceed with this. I'm obviously very fragile emotionally given the circumstances, and would prefer that this girl never existed because of the pain it creates for me, but at the same time, I would never deny my husband the right to connect with his daughter nor her the right to connect with her father. It just hurts so much that the timing of this is literally weeks before my baby is due and it feels like the joy of that moment is being stolen from me because I have to deal with this situation. I've just come on here for some advice and maybe a way to see this in a positive light because I really don't want to feel so sad in the lead up to my baby being born, it makes me feel so guilty for my baby.

Just to add, my husband isn't even entirely sure that he's definitely the father as this happened many years ago after a very short fling and the women he had the fling with never contacted him regarding a pregnancy and there would have been literally no reason she couldn't have as he would have been supportive of whatever she wanted to do. My husband is completely floored by the news too. Any advice would be really helpful! Thank you in advance.

I think anyone in your shoes would feel like this and its completely natural. It's life changing news and a big shock, especially at 34 weeks pregnant with a very wanted and long awaited pregnancy.

The responses on here are very judgemental and narrow minded and you can tell these negative attacks are from people who haven't been in this situation (nor have I). I don't have much advice expect to encourage your husband to make this decision with you as it's both lives and families it's going to change.

Best of luck

I mean this kindly
The which is horrendous for your dh, yes, but it has really nothing to do with you.
If it turns out to be true, no childcare of maintenance will be required, and the ‘work’ has already been done. Maybe he will feel cheated having not been given the chance to parent her? He needs counselling. Absolutely straight away to deal with this.

You need to carry on as normal, enjoy your baby and understand that this changes very little for you personally. Not overreacting and showing compassion for your dh, this is not his fault.

The shock is horrendous

Of course it is fair enough to be shocked and upset, particularly as you are so close to giving birth. No way your husband could or should leave the country right now, or have her to visit. Agree with others saying emails and phone calls to start, plus a DNA test to be sure. She may only want this - she might be in touch to ask about family medical history for some reason, rather than for a relationship.

the poster who asked why she had got in touch with the relative - possibly said relative had their social media settings such that a stranger could message whereas DH doesn’t, or else she thought it would be “gentler” to go through someone who knew him, or wanted to check it was the right Joe bloggs who lived at 4 acacia avenue. It’s not suspicious in itself.

He didn't know, so you didn't know, but what's the issue here? His daughter wants to meet him (and you if you want to meet her this early in their relationship), so he should meet her. If they get on, you will meet her. She's an adult. She's likely to be more a help than hindrance.

I don't know why you are hurt by it, I do appreciate it's a shock. Go with the flow...

Yes because the woman involved has no rights to a parental relationship and it’s totally fine for her stepmother to wish she didn’t exist.

no 20 year old woman ever benefitted from knowing her father. In fact no parents should maintain a relationship with their adult offspring - after all what does the child gain?

how dare she have the temerity to be born! 🙄

FWIW even the offspring of sperm donors have the right to seek out their fathers so it appears you’re uninformed as well as unkind @marblemad

Some incredibly harsh responses here.

I don’t believe there is a single person on this thread who, if a random stranger popped up out of nowhere and announced that your husband was their father would sit back and think “oh this could be such a lovely addition to our family.” Not a chance that anyone wouldn’t be anything but horrified if this happened.

TBH if I were your husband I would proceed with extreme caution, because it’s entirely possible this woman has an agenda or that she’s not even his daughter.

Firstly, has he actually had contact with her personally or has it all been through this relative? Because that would be my first stipulation if I was him, that the contact needed to be first hand not through a third party.

Secondly, I would insist on a DNA test even before I would be prepared to start building any kind of relationship with her. As harsh as it is, she needs to realise that this man might not be her father. Any woman prepared to withhold the identity of a child’s father until they’re in their twenties clearly isn’t the most honest person on the planet, and so I wouldn’t trust them to have told the truth in this instance either.

Only once he’s had a positive DNA result would I start to think about what happens next.

If she’s a decent person she will know that this is how things need to proceed.

If she refuses any of the above, I would block and move on. Harsh I know, but this isn’t just about her, and as an adult she needs to realise that.

Aren't you lovely 🙄

Ignore this. You're feeling matter x

Of course you feel hurt. It's a huge thing to find out. Your partner is not a first time parent with you, family life suddenly seems more complicated plus all those fertility struggles probably feel weird now.

This doesn't mean that his daughter is a problem but it is a big deal. Plus it's a lot for your partner to process at a time when there's a lot to process with you.

The suggestion of meeting post birth is a good one I think.

I would also try to avoid dream sequences in which everyone gets on beautifully and she ends up being a bosom part of the family. She's got an enormous amount to process too.

Hope the birth goes well, you both enjoy being new parents (remember he never got to enjoy his daughter's childhood) and then give your partner and his daughter space to get to know each other. And it's ok for you to find this hard but you may need to offload to friends rather than him.

she is in her 20s - she might be a wonderful addition to your life & she won’t need minding and financial support as a young child would

This. I completely understand your shock and dismay, but it’s not as though a 10year-old has suddenly been discovered and could be coming to live with you! It could be worse.

FWIW even the offspring of sperm donors have the right to seek out their fathers so it appears you’re uninformed as well as unkind except the offspring of sperm donors are given that information officially, also, the sperm donor knows that they’ve donated sperm and that said offspring could contact them when they’re eighteen, hence why the number of sperm donors dropped significantly when the law was introduced.

I do appreciate this could be a shock.
My elder brother was painted as a rogue dad by his ex wife who told his young daughters they weren't wanted. He sent money, maintaince and gifts until they were 20. One had not seen him for 25+ years until last week. She challenged him at a funeral and he pulled out a selection of dog eared photos from his wallet. She was gobsmacked and very emotional.
Your husband didn't choose to abandon this person, he wasn't given a choice. Some women want a baby and not the man. Could that have been the case? You have both, you are lucky.
DNA testing would be wise and any decent man would want to understand what's gone on. To ignore her would show a lack of compassion which would worry me. Deep breaths.

I

You encourage dh to build a relationship by email then phone. Trying to think of it as extending your family with more people to love.

This is not going to have a big an effect as you may be worrying it might. She is an adult and doesn’t need parenting. She’s just interested in meeting her father. You can choose how much involvement you personally want and you get a say in how much involvement (if any) there will be with your child, especially in the short term.
I think it’s reasonable for both your husband’s sake and this young woman’s sake to do a DNA test first, before either of them get too attached to the idea that they are father and daughter. And then it’s totally reasonable for them to have contact via email for a bit and wait until your baby is safely here before planning to meet in person.
Whatever you’re feeling is ok. Feelings are real even when they are not entirely rational or kind. I would suggest you don’t personally speak to this young woman because you’re not yet in a frame of mind where that would be positive thing for anyone.
It’s ok to bring this up with your midwife if you are really struggling - there are enhanced mental health services available for pregnant and postpartum women because it’s a time of live when more of us encounter difficulties. A few counseling sessions maybe could help you get your head around the situation and accept it for what it is, and bring some of your worries back into perspective.

“Any woman prepared to withhold the identity of a child’s father until they’re in their twenties clearly isn’t the most honest person on the planet, and so I wouldn’t trust them to have told the truth in this instance either. “

this might be the case. Or the mum might have told the daughter long ago and the daughter just now deciding to track him down. Possibly for medical reasons or she is starting her own family or just that the time is right for her now.

My best friend growing up always knew she was adopted but was adamant until the age of 16 that she wouldn’t want to track her birth parents. We lost touch so don’t know if she ever changed her mind, but she might have done as an adult.

The biggest red flag here is it sounds like your DH is willing not to have a relationship with his daughter if you don’t want him to. And in your OP you sounded like you were entertaining the idea of putting a stop to it. Neither of you sound like you’re covering yourself in glory.
First things first get a DNA test then go from there.

This is nicely written. It's natural to be rocked by this, though in some ways easier that you know he didn't abandon her and she is an adult so the support level is different. Encourage them to chat on video calls and catch up. You know you'll feel this is ok some day, so just deep breaths and big smiles until that time comes. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope the birth goes smoothly for you.

My friend was adopted and felt like that but he had to have an operation following a sports injury and was asked about family medical history and of course hadn't a clue.

People on here are unreal. I'd be devastated. Hopefully he's not the father.

Oh, give over. The op and her DH are shocked and surprised, and she asked in her first post how to find ways to feel more positive about it. One of the points of MN is a place to explore feelings and thoughts in anonymous safety.

You are not over reacting

this is the shittiest timing

and especially when hormonal and vulnerable and very heavily pregnant

that said try to stay calm and rational (easy to say )

its horrible timing
its horrible that this came up so late , for his child and for him

but try not to make too much meaning of this , and to not be ‘jealous’ as they are not helpful emotions to have . X

it might be helpful to talk to an external party to help process this

Step one is what does your husband want? You have said in your OP he is saying it is essentially up to you and you and the baby are his priority etc. but what does he actually want to do?

Does he want to start communication up with this girl?

He is probably saying he doesn't know what to do because he is gauging your reaction.

Also, hate to be this person - are you sure he had no idea? My biological father hid me from his family very well for years until I messaged my bio sister on facebook and it came out.

Everything else is hypothetical until he makes up his mind. And, you are important and matter, but honestly the decision really should be his.

Having been the 'daughter' in this situation, it would seem harsh to not give her a chance, to not even have a conversation.

It needs to be just them initially too. I would of hated my dads wife being involved at the start.

But this wasn't intentional...!!

Your husband's putative daughter would have no idea whether he was about to become a father imminently.!

Having said this, I get that it really isn't good timing though for you.

Surely your husband isn't intending meeting /having in depth convos with this person before baby is here?

It much be a huge shock. From the rough dates the age gap between you and the potential daughter is smaller than between you and your husband? For everyone's sake the first thing to do is organise DNA testing yourselves. This won't be sorted overnight and potentially won't be known until after the birth. Easy to be said but focus on the baby for now and tell DH to put her off gently until after the birth. He shouldn't be missing the build up as it is his first (and probably only) chance to experience this too. Hope it all goes well.