34 weeks pregnant and we just found out he has another child

[Shauna27]

My husband and I have been together 6 years and we're expecting our first child next month. I'm so happy to be pregnant as it was a difficult journey to get to this stage (multiple miscarriages and rounds of ivf) but my whole world came crashing down yesterday when he received a call from a relative of his to say that a women had contacted them claiming he was their father.
I cant even believe I'm writing this, it doesn't feel real.

This women is in her late 20s (she would have been conceived when my husband was very young and also there is a 10 year age difference between my husband and I). My husband doesn't know what to do with moving forward. He wants to do whatever I feel ok/comfortable with as he said his first priority is me and our baby. I just feel like the world has come crashing down on me and now I carry the burden of deciding how he should proceed with this. I'm obviously very fragile emotionally given the circumstances, and would prefer that this girl never existed because of the pain it creates for me, but at the same time, I would never deny my husband the right to connect with his daughter nor her the right to connect with her father. It just hurts so much that the timing of this is literally weeks before my baby is due and it feels like the joy of that moment is being stolen from me because I have to deal with this situation. I've just come on here for some advice and maybe a way to see this in a positive light because I really don't want to feel so sad in the lead up to my baby being born, it makes me feel so guilty for my baby.

Just to add, my husband isn't even entirely sure that he's definitely the father as this happened many years ago after a very short fling and the women he had the fling with never contacted him regarding a pregnancy and there would have been literally no reason she couldn't have as he would have been supportive of whatever she wanted to do. My husband is completely floored by the news too. Any advice would be really helpful! Thank you in advance.

@OrderOfTheKookaburra thank you for your response. From the information my husband was given, she was just told by her mother that he was her father, no DNA has been involved so its still not clear if he definitely is.

OP, relax. There is absolutely nothing that you can do about this situation.

Before he makes any decisions, he should have DNA testing done. If she is his daughter, this may be as stressful a time for her as it is for you. You are having your first baby ,and she shows up. She is finding her father after 20 years just at the time that he is having another child. Not particularly good timing for anyone.

He will welcome your child, and if the girl is his child ,he should welcome her as well. Both children will have the exact same connection to him.

A good man has the capacity to love all of his children. Your child is entitled to a loving father. This girl is entitled to a loving father.

This can become a good situation or it can become a problem situation. It will depend up the character and energy that all involved bring to the table.

A good man loves his children not necessarily because he loves or loved their mother, a good man loves his children because they are his children.

The conception of this girl had nothing to do with you. If she is his, he has lost 20 years with his child that cannot be regained, and that us sad for both of him. However, this situation can remind you to be grateful that your child will have both of his or her parents there from the very beginning.

You get to decide if your cup is only half full or running over. Your own attitude will play a major role in creating stress or lessening stress. You are pretty much the driver of this train as relates to your feelings and attitudes.

@ClairDeLaLune yes I totally agree, I don't mean her personally, I meant I wished the situation didn't exist for me to deal with. It was just clumsily written - I have no bad feelings towards her personally.

You’ve had some wildly unempathetic responses here.

There is no planet on which any poster who has castigated you for your reaction, would have reacted well to this news.

It is absolutely fine to be upset/angry/shocked by this. Completely normal, in fact.

What do you and your husband want to do next?

Wish you the best with the rest of your pregnancy.

Wait why does he have to potentially go see her now? Why can't he start with a phone call and explain that his wife is due a baby in a few weeks so he won't be able to travel any time soon?

Wow that’s a lot to digest while you’re very heavily pregnant. I agree with the above people he needs to get a dna test and go from there. Might be good to try and time it after your babies arrival. You must have so many emotions going on in your head! It’s weird why has she decided now to tell her child re about your husband being the father. So strange! Sending hugs try and keep breezy you don’t know anything for sure right now! Concentrate on yourselves and baby you can deal with this situation after the baby arrives. Let’s face it she’s been in no rush to tell him has she.

Oh OP what a shock.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Please don't worry - things will get easier with time.

I searched for, then met my real dad out of curiosity at the young adult age. In all honesty it didn't go well for me - we no longer speak (my choice, I realised life was more simplistic and happier before).

I hope that's not the case for your DH but I wouldn't worry about this until after baby is here and you're feeling better.

Be there to support DH - remember you have no real obligation to get involved at this (or any) point. I would ask DH to keep it quiet from you for now and if things develop between them then you can start to get to know her (if you want to) at a way later stage.

I would also advise DH to take it slow.

Me and my biological dad rushed things and that ultimately ruined our relationship (without going into too much detail).

One small step at a time for everyone's best interests 🙂

How are you certain ? The child is 20 not 10.

What an awful comment to make to the OP, I think she has every right to feel the way she does. She has spent years with this man and built a relationship on the foundation and the premise that neither of them have children and that they can go through those journey/emotions together. Not everyone is ok with being with someone with previous children, nor is it your business or anyone elses to tell OP what she should be ok with. Frankly I would be asking after ten years why now? What does the mother or the child gain from him being in her life after ten years? If it was just a fling and he does not know the child at all after over a decade he is no more than a sperm donor in that instance. I would move on with your life and not get involved with the mother or her offspring.

The woman claiming to be OP’s DH’s daughter is 27-29 years old (late 20s). OP’s DH was probably a teen when he had her (so now in his 40s) and OP is 10 years younger (in her 30s). This would be easier to keep track of if OP just said everyone’s ages.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all OP. This news is huge and unexpected. All you’ve done is share your honest feelings and I think most would feel the same way (you didn’t mean it maliciously, but of course your life would be easier right now if this situation wasn’t happening and she didn’t exist). I really hope you are ok.
Although obviously this needs to be explored, and if your partner is the Father, they’ll want to meet etc. However, I think the priority right now is your unborn child. You need as little stress as possible, particularly if you are high risk. If it’s been 20+ years, I think it’s reasonable for flights etc to wait a few months. So of course, support your partner as best you can (can’t imagine what receiving that news must have been like!), but don’t be afraid to tell him exactly what you and your baby need right now. Really hope it works out for all of you x

@CoffeeBean5 I rushed my post as I was trying to get my thoughts down in some type of order whilst feeling very stressed. You are right about those age estimates, apologies for the confusion!

@Blossomed thank you for taking the time to reply to my post and for understanding how I feel given the circumstances. I will definitely take your advice on board x

This must be a huge shock for all three of you! Your DH should definitely sort out a paternity test to confirm whether or not this is true.

Cannot believe the people minimising your feelings around this OP. What a huge shock! Are you sure jts not a scam though ? That was my initial reaction. If this was my OH I would actually say I want him to express an opinion on what to do next. Or some choices. It's not fair of him to put this on your shoulders when you're in such a vulnerable place.

It would be perfectly reasonable even if he was a single man to reply and say its a huge shock, can he have some time to process. She is an adult, she could wait a year or so for a visit.

oh OP, I can understand this is unsettling for you and your partner, especially when your hormones and emotions are high.

Please do try to see the positives in this situation though as potentially, there are many.

Your feelings are totally valid op don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. And pregnancy makes you more vulnerable. It is a huge shock and it will affect your life (positive or negative nobody can know for certain as we don’t know his daughter and her expectations of her ‘dad’) so I would recommend some counselling or CBT to help you move forwards.

I cant believe people dont understand the issue. It is totally reasonable to wish the DD didnt exist. Im not sure what to suggest but i really think DH should ask her to take a DNA test. If she is in a different country, i cant think there will ever be much of a relationship. It is a sorry situation caused by the previous partner of your DH and he obviously isnt to blame. Takr care of yourself op.

DNA test first.
Then after the birth of your baby if your dh is the father he can meet up with her.

She’s simply another member of the family.

It must be a massive shock and will take a bit of processing. It’s understandable that your are upset at the timing, given the bubble you will have been in, but in time that shock will fade.
The first thing is to arrange a DNA test and to decide where to go from there. It sounds like there are logistical barriers to them meeting up straight away, but they could maybe exchange some emails to start with. There’s no need to rush this - take your time. It could turn out to be nice news once the dust settles. The first thing to do is establish the facts.

Agree with PPs, suggest DH gives her a call or emails her, says he would like to meet her and have a relationship in future but to avoid any future upset if it turns out bio mum is wrong they should do a DNA test. Then start to build relationship slowly via emails etc before progressing to meeting in person. And mention new baby on the way so not available to travel anyway for a while.

There are some people I wish didn't exist, if I'm honest. If I suddenly found out my dh had an adult child we'd never known about, I'd probably secretly wish they didn't exist, too, until I had time to recover, meet them, learn who they are, etc. Just the idea of this person who has now thrown a huge complication in your life... It's a lot to absorb, even when you realise that they aren't to blame. It's just that I like my life how it is, and I don't want someone to come and rock the boat. (And I'm not 34 weeks pregnant in a high-risk pregnancy!)

^^ This
You make it sound like he’s going to jump on the first plane to go and see her or start paying backdated child maintenance.

Get a DNA test arranged first then go from there. He certainly shouldn’t be even considering meeting her for some time yet, could be completely wrong assumption on her part.

I know you are probably shocked ..
You just need to focus on yourself and your pregnancy and let your husband deal with this
you keep saying timing is wrong (for you) but its not about you
This young woman doesn't even know you , she has probably been building up the courage to do this for a long time

my own mother had me in similar circumstances because she is mentally unwell,
somewhere I have a biological father and probably some half siblings walking around and I don't know who they are..
One of the reasons that I haven't attempted to find my biological father is because I don't want to blow up his life, he doesn't know I exist , but I really shouldn't have to carry that burden
that is my mothers fault and not mine, I didn't ask to be born

It might not be ideal for you but if this really is your husbands first born child you need to accept it because it isn't her fault