34 weeks pregnant and we just found out he has another child

[Shauna27]

My husband and I have been together 6 years and we're expecting our first child next month. I'm so happy to be pregnant as it was a difficult journey to get to this stage (multiple miscarriages and rounds of ivf) but my whole world came crashing down yesterday when he received a call from a relative of his to say that a women had contacted them claiming he was their father.
I cant even believe I'm writing this, it doesn't feel real.

This women is in her late 20s (she would have been conceived when my husband was very young and also there is a 10 year age difference between my husband and I). My husband doesn't know what to do with moving forward. He wants to do whatever I feel ok/comfortable with as he said his first priority is me and our baby. I just feel like the world has come crashing down on me and now I carry the burden of deciding how he should proceed with this. I'm obviously very fragile emotionally given the circumstances, and would prefer that this girl never existed because of the pain it creates for me, but at the same time, I would never deny my husband the right to connect with his daughter nor her the right to connect with her father. It just hurts so much that the timing of this is literally weeks before my baby is due and it feels like the joy of that moment is being stolen from me because I have to deal with this situation. I've just come on here for some advice and maybe a way to see this in a positive light because I really don't want to feel so sad in the lead up to my baby being born, it makes me feel so guilty for my baby.

Just to add, my husband isn't even entirely sure that he's definitely the father as this happened many years ago after a very short fling and the women he had the fling with never contacted him regarding a pregnancy and there would have been literally no reason she couldn't have as he would have been supportive of whatever she wanted to do. My husband is completely floored by the news too. Any advice would be really helpful! Thank you in advance.

Wishing someone didn’t exist isn’t the same as wishing someone was dead ffs

I also don't see why he potentially 'has' to go meet her. Why would he? There is no obligation for him to rush over. He should explain to her that he can't right now as his baby is due any time. Then he should maybe take a step back, establish DNA, then go from there.

She could come to you even. This woman might have a father figure who an uknown biological father will never take the place of. If he is the father, she might just be curious and want background information. He can never be a father to her in the same way your baby will be.

She could be lovely ! Your poor H

My husband doesn't know what to do with moving forward. He wants to do whatever I feel ok/comfortable with as he said his first priority is me and our baby. I just feel like the world has come crashing down on me and now I carry the burden of deciding how he should proceed with this.

This is very wrong. He needs to stop being a coward. Everyone I know with similar situations (and I know a few) starts small with emails and calls and builds up. No one rushes off or starts with DNA tests.

And yes, it's a shock and your honesty about your first feelings means people are comparing those with what they THINK they would feel. They're wrong. We're always much better people when it's someone else's life!

I don't think you need to worry about him jumping on a plane and missing your child's birth. You only have a few weeks left and dna test needs to be done first. Even if he is her father their still strangers so surely they would want to spend some time having phone calls and face timing before actually meeting. Does his daughter have children?

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP. I know what it’s like to go through loss and fertility treatment and to have a very high risk pregnancy, and in these final weeks of the pregnancy you don’t really have the head space for anything else. That’s completely understandable. In a way I think you won’t really know how you feel about all this until your baby has been safely delivered and you are through the post partum stage and settling in as a new mummy. As much as you can I would try to compartmentalise and deal with the news later. Don’t be too worried by any thoughts you have about this in the first few months post partum, it can be a very emotional time and your feelings will probably not be a guide to how you’re going to feel longer term. Looking back on that time I was a bit deranged…with good reason because your mind focuses on your baby and biology kicks in, but it’s not a great time for rational thinking about the future, or it wasn’t for me.

It seems to me less likely that the mother of this young woman would lie about her parentage at this late stage, but I understand the wish to confirm. That is something for down the line maybe. The timing is bad for sure, for you and for this young woman who probably felt very nervous about reaching out to her father and now finds that he is expecting a new child imminently, I could see that being a very painful situation for her. I think she should still understand though that your husband needs to focus on being there for you right now.

If I were him I would want to write and say that this is out of the blue for him, he never had any idea and would have offered support had he known, that he would like to meet and build a relationship on terms she feels comfortable with, but that right now he isn’t able to leave the country. I expect what she wants to hear right now is goodwill and care, but that the exact timing of meeting won’t be a huge issue at this point.

While the timing is extraordinary and stressful for everyone, I can’t help hoping that long term this might be a wonderful thing for you all. There won’t be any stress of shared childcare etc but there could be a new person in your lives who will love your baby and enrich their life. A half sibling may be such a blessing. You may all look back on this time and wish you’d known how well it turned out. That’s not to undermine your feelings now, just to offer hope. This young woman will never take the place of your child, the first child your husband will know and nurture and raise. She didn’t have the chance to experience that but hopefully they can build a different relationship in time. I hope it’s possible to welcome her.

Good luck OP. Focus on yourself and your baby, but know that maybe waiting in the wings is a person who is fragile and hopeful themselves, and that will perhaps turn from a shock to a lovely thing for your baby and your family.

Wow, what a bomb shell OP. No wonder you're shocked and the timing is terrible for you. I totally get that!

Once you're both over the shock OP, I think he can be totally honest with her - you're about to have a baby, it's a high risk pregnancy so he could start to build a relationship over the phone before meeting once the baby is here and things are more settled. I'd definitely ask for a DNA too, just for confirmation.

Like you say, she made her choice to never tell your husband about his daughter, or her daughter about her father, so he has absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

It does however make me wonder if your husband's ex knew he's now having a baby, felt very bitter and timed this perfectly..... it just seems too much of a coincidence

Some of these responses are so typical of Mumsnet, people are behaving like you are the one with the issue and that you don't have a right to feel the way you do. I would totally feel like you do and it's completely justified to feel many emotions.
I think your husband needs to deal with this and not put this huge burden on you. If he loves you then he will understand why you are giving the responsibility back to him. A DNA test is definitely necessary to do but seeing as you are in different countries it maybe that you will have to wait until your baby is born, especially as you say you are high risk.

Good luck x

Hi Op
Your husband definitely needs to get a DNA test,
Just to ensure she is obviously his daughter, !

If she is definitely his,

I can totally understand you feeling side swept by this out of blue News,

Which seems unreal, maybe Surreal kind of way,
Also you probably feel very Confused,
Even thwarted that this was supposed to be the first time being new parents together with new baby, a life journey adventure, ect,
Maybe a bit of jealousy could be in the mix with your feelings too,

If you struggling quite a lot to come to terms, maybe brief counselling therapy just to explore your feelings about this happening,

If handled in the right way, this News could turn out to be good news,
Even though it does not look like it,
from your point of view,

This unknown woman who could be related to your unborn baby ,
Could very well have an Auntie type of relationship to your new child,

You don't obviously have to have any type of relationship with her,
If so wish,

Your husband sounds like he was young himself when she was conceived,
It does happen,

It just seems strange that he never knew she existed though,
Not even in inkling,
I think he was seriously in denial mindset way of thinking in regards of this situation @Shauna27

He might feel a need to attend brief counselling therapy for this himself,
Do so if he feels it could help him explore his feelings,

It's not fair at all, he has made you feel onus is on you

It's really not,

It's bit of immature attitude somewhat and being indenial of the reality of this situation

He needs to step up, from his stupor dream like state and wake ⏰️ up to this situation

Like one poster said its not Bad News,

It's Obviously Big News to yourselves

I totally understand why you’re so upset about finding out now. Not to mention the additional pressure that your dh has put you under to make a decision about his visiting her. I see why he’s done this and it sounds as if it’s coming from a good place. However, I can appreciate it will not necessarily feel that way for you!

I think the first thing is to take the pressure off both of you. She’s waited a long time to find the person, who she believes is her dad and your dh possibly needs to hear that taking it slowly is the right thing for her, for everyone. Putting aside your feelings and expectations, meeting her should be well planned and done in a sensitive way to ensure that she doesn’t get hurt. You’ve had great advice about taking things slowly. This is what I’d tell your dh. Along with a dna test. She may not want to invest her time in someone, who doesn’t end up being her dad.

Then of course, very importantly are your needs. You have a high risk pregnancy. You need your dh around. This may be difficult for the woman claiming to be his daughter to understand, which is why I’ve suggested in the paragraph above that with any communication with her, he tries to centre her needs as much as possible.

My 14 year old dd is an ivf baby. She is my one an only pregnancy so I never experienced that loss, just the roller coaster of the rounds of ivf before I became pregnant with her. I can therefore to a certain extent relate to how cautious and protective you are having to be with your baby.

What I would be doing now is putting some support in place for when he goes away to visit her. That is, unless she comes to see him. But you’ll still need support and I also think counselling will be a good idea. Bless you.

God I just wrote an empathetic response and deleted it.

The only thing I don't get is why you fee guilty for your baby? You feel sad about the timing of this as you want to fully focus on your baby. With the greatest respect, this is not a situation that demands your urgency right now. This child is not a child, they are 20, they have waited a long time to get in touch and a few more months won't hurt. You could respond and say to this woman that you are about to give birth and will be in touch once that has happened and you have settled into a routine with the new baby. I personally don't think that is manipulative, you are simply stating your needs, while remaining supportive.

Where I wrote 'you' I mean you as a couple. Just reread posts about calls and emails - I agree it starts like that but don't think it is fair on OP right now, as her partner would be consumed by it and she would have to emotionally support him through it while getting to a grips with a newborn.

I think it's important to recognise your feelings are valid OP, but you are 100% going to have to separate and compartmentalise them.

It's tricky to navigate as your partner will naturally be curious. Perhaps just have some more dialogue with him about how he is going to find getting to know an adult daughter, who may possibly even be angry towards him.

It’s a shock which is understandable

its ridiculous that he’s asking you to decide what to do. He’s a grown man, missed out on his own child’s childhood and needs to man up and be a parent to this girl.

That's a toughy isn't it OP.

I'm not sure how I'd cope with that. I'm calm and have good boundaries.

I guess, shit happens.

You have to be cool about it.

She exists, and she is a woman who wants to have a relationship with her father, and that's ok.

You can either accept her or not.

Your choice.

I do think you need to calm the fuck down here... I can kinda see why you are over-reacting, you have a lot going on right now.. but you are over reacting.

There is no need for anyone to drop everything and immediately fly out to meet this girl, so forget about that for the time being.

He needs to talk to her - find out what she wants, theres every chance she simply wants to know some background, who he is etc and that may well be all!

She may have enough people in her life she does not need a man who whilst (possibly) her biological father, is not her DAD in any real sense, to add to the mix.

He isn't likely to be a friend, and one would assume she has friends of her own.

She's not going to need financial support like a small child would (whether or not she wants it/feels as if she needs it, he has no moral nor legal obligation there!) so you can pop that in the 'don't worry about it' pile too.

Living abroad, it is unlikely she is going to pitch up on the door step...

The timing is crap, but thats life - it isn't personal and even her Mother can't realllllly be held responsible for this, as she has no idea of your life or his life circumstances. Let that go.

It is weird, and emotional to find out someone exists who you had never even thought about - I have a half brother who I didn't know about until I was 19. He's a nice guy, he didn't want my Dad to be his dad (he had a perfectly good Dad!), he didn't want my Dad to be his friend either (he has friends too funnily enough). He's in our (my sister and I's) lives in a casual sort of a way, we refer to one another as sister/bro but we don't do birthday cards or christmas cards and we meet up maybe once a year, and talk on FB as and when mutually interesting things pop up. It is about as casual and minimal as it gets really.

He could have had a closer relationship with my Dad but as it ended up, after a few meetings they just decided they don't really 'get' one another or 'like' one another all that much (not in a nasty way but in a 'i wouldn't choose to spend time with you' way). No harm, no foul, they both know more about each other than they previously did, it's answered some questions for both and all is well!

3 people have been hurt and put in difficult positions due to the selfishness of one person, the woman who kept the birth secret from OP's husband and her own daughter for nearly 3 decades (the daughter is late twenties). OP's husband is also the victim here, let's not forget. He has had his fatherhood stolen from him and then dumped on him just as he is expecting a much wanted child after years of difficulties conceiving. I wouldn't castigate him. The OP and the new child must his priorities for the foreseeable future - they are choices he made and they need him more. Op and her DH need not feel selfish or guilty at all. They can deal with the adult daughter slowly in their own time, starting with DNA testing first.

Pregnancies always seem to attracted drama. We don’t know if she is truly his until a DNA test is taken. When I was pregnant my husband’s estranged mother suddenly wanted to make contact again after kicking him out simply because he came of age and no other reason and cutting him off completely for 15 solid years. She was very friendly and all until we caught her gossiping on her cell phone and it was discovered that she was only interested in the baby and not her son. So we told her to leave and not come back unless she planned on patching things up with her son first. She also had a lot of nasty things to say about me. Don’t need a snake poisoning my baby’s ears. Horrible woman.

Um… He didn’t know she existed. How is he at fault for missing her childhood? Also curious how he is going to parent a 20 year old woman. Please enlighten me.

Aww, I totally understand why you're feeling upset about this. I'd be the same. As much as you can focus on your (plural) baby. Even though this may no longer be his first child, its still his 'first' at doing all the new baby things. First time being with his wife and holding her hand as she pushes new life into the world. First time getting to phone his family and friends announcing the birth. First time walking down the hospital corridor with car seat to proudly take his child home. First time sitting on the sofa staring at awe at the moses basket knowing that's a life he helped create. These are all things you still have. Enjoy them, let him enjoy them, and make your precious memories without letting this news take the shine off things. Your baby may not technically be his first child but it'll still be his first time being a father of a new precious baby. Much love. xxx

Wow, the replies that lack any empathy or imagination surely are trolls? Or do real people actually feel comfortable telling a pregnant woman she is overreacting in this situation?

My mind is blown.

This is the best advice by a long way. He has to deal with this, and he should deal with it properly.

try to take the long view, she may become a positive addition to all your lives.

There was a post here a few years ago from a woman who had been in a similar position as you with older children. Her husband tried any excuse to dodge the whole thing, in the process making it worse, but also losing her respect.

You husband should call her, do a lot of listening, but set expectations too.

I don’t get why you’re in pain about this. Shocked yes. But I think you’re overreacting. It happened a very long time ago.

I feel for you, what a shock for all of you and the timing is terrible. However, I don't think there is any need for him to meet with her before the baby is born, better to start contact via messaging, phone calls or a letter initially anyway. Of course a dna test needs to be arranged and I would be wary of allowing dh to develop too much of a relationship prior to that.
Once your newborn is here and dna is established you can all start to work it out properly, though if she is an adult she probably mostly has her own life and will just want to visit and get to know her father (and his family) a little.

I hope you, your husband and your DC-on-the-way are ok. What a shock, and shocks aren't something you need just now.

Personally, I'd always be cautious about a stranger from abroad getting in touch out of nowhere to claim they're a long lost family member. It could be genuine but it could also be a scam. Has she provided any evidence to support her claim?

I'd suggest your husband ask for them to have a DNA test to find out for sure if he is their biological father, before he gets too emotionally or financially involved.

Why (and how) did she contact his relative and not him directly? Something doesn’t quite add up.

She didn’t know you were pregnant, she hasn’t done this at this time to spite you. She’s probably been trying to get the courage to do it for a while, if she is genuine