34 weeks pregnant and we just found out he has another child

[Shauna27]

My husband and I have been together 6 years and we're expecting our first child next month. I'm so happy to be pregnant as it was a difficult journey to get to this stage (multiple miscarriages and rounds of ivf) but my whole world came crashing down yesterday when he received a call from a relative of his to say that a women had contacted them claiming he was their father.
I cant even believe I'm writing this, it doesn't feel real.

This women is in her late 20s (she would have been conceived when my husband was very young and also there is a 10 year age difference between my husband and I). My husband doesn't know what to do with moving forward. He wants to do whatever I feel ok/comfortable with as he said his first priority is me and our baby. I just feel like the world has come crashing down on me and now I carry the burden of deciding how he should proceed with this. I'm obviously very fragile emotionally given the circumstances, and would prefer that this girl never existed because of the pain it creates for me, but at the same time, I would never deny my husband the right to connect with his daughter nor her the right to connect with her father. It just hurts so much that the timing of this is literally weeks before my baby is due and it feels like the joy of that moment is being stolen from me because I have to deal with this situation. I've just come on here for some advice and maybe a way to see this in a positive light because I really don't want to feel so sad in the lead up to my baby being born, it makes me feel so guilty for my baby.

Just to add, my husband isn't even entirely sure that he's definitely the father as this happened many years ago after a very short fling and the women he had the fling with never contacted him regarding a pregnancy and there would have been literally no reason she couldn't have as he would have been supportive of whatever she wanted to do. My husband is completely floored by the news too. Any advice would be really helpful! Thank you in advance.

I’m not sure why this is the “last thing you’d want to happen” during your pregnancy. It’s a shock but surely not a catastrophe. Your husband can start to make contact through email and phone until either he or she can travel to meet up. You and your baby are both still safe and sound.

Congrats on your pregnancy OP!

It's a shock but you know what? If this woman is his daughter, your husband, your son and maybe you will have a new addition to your family who may be absolutely wonderful.
Your DH is still a first time dad, don't let that weigh you down, but this woman could be someone else who you all love and who loves you!

It's a whole adult person, not another child and you're in a situation of needing to offer no childcare or anything that'll change your dynamics.

She may just want to have a long distance relationship with her father and once youre over the shock, this will be a lovely thing. Not too invasive due to distance!

I'm hopeful this will be a great thing for you, after your losses and fertility struggles you've possibly now got a sister for your son, who will no doubt adore him.

Anyway OP, at 34 weeks pregnant you're not going to feel particularly rational about anything. I'm pregnant and feel put out by the dog farting, just take one day at a time x

I took from the OP that it was a woman saying the OPS husband is her father not that he's the father of a child. 10 years is the age difference between the OP and her husband I think.

I don’t get these mean and strange replies. It’s totally understandable how you’re feeling. Of course the first step is the DNA test then go from there.

You are getting a really hard time here OP with people being completely unempathetic and invalidating your feelings.

Your feelings are valid. You're 34 weeks pregnant so bound to be feeling emotional anyway, and you don't know what this new situation will bring.

However, you can't allow your feelings to get in the way of your husband and his daughter trying to salvage what they can of a father/daughter relationship.

The truth is, in an ideal world she would have been there all along, and their relationship isn't really anything to do with you. You have to let it happen.

Do you have a counsellor/ therapist? I'd recommend finding someone to talk to about all of this as you need to have an outlet for your feelings, especially at this fragile stage of your pregnancy. Good luck with the birth.

I think you are getting some harsh responses here, OP.

I can imagine how shocked both you and your DH are.

As PPs suggested, your husband need to insist on DNA test before going any further. There is also no need for him to go meet her in person immediately. Especially since you have high risk pregnancy.

If it's proven that she is indeed his daughter, I would first establish some contact via email / email phone and see how it goes.

I wouldn't expect him to drop everything and go meet someone in another country who might not even be his biological daughter while you are pregnant. This is not a small child, she is an adult.

Bloody hell @EllandRd you really are being incredibly vicious to OP.

OP please disregard mean spirited people, it's amazing Mumsnet really makes you realize how many spiteful people walk around us.

There’s no reason for him to travel to her country immediately. He can get in touch with her via email, phone, whatsapp, facetime…

She is an adult. Surely she will understand that he is not in a position to leave you alone right now? And she will also understand that this is a lot to take in for your husband.

Assuming she is his daughter and they want to try to build some sort of relationship, it should be perfectly possible to do that without encroaching on his time with you and your baby. She may not even be ready to meet immediately and is just wanting to take the first steps to see who her father is.

I understand that this is a huge shock but it doesn’t have to be a disaster. Quite the opposite. She may be lovely and become a valued member of the family. Or the relationship may never come to much and fizzle out once they have made contact.

I really do think you are overreacting and, once you’ve had some time to process, you will find a way forward that works for all of you.

So much I could say about this but actually I’ll just send my love. At 34 weeks pregnant this would have shaken me, but actually it could be a lovely thing - with time. I’d welcome her to your home for a meeting now before the crazy newborn period, as a couple. She’s done nothing wrong. Explain you’d both love to get to know her, get a dna test done so both she and your husband can know for sure. Then baby comes first!! And getting to know her can proceed after the first few weeks of newborn mess. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing; with time hopefully it’ll become something lovely. Someone extra to love your baby. An adult who pops in for dinner once in a while and you slowly get to know. Best of luck to you and your family, I hope this works out well for all of you

I can see how this is a huge shock for both of you but there is no need for your DH to fly off and meet this woman in the next few weeks. Indeed I suggest you take this slowly.

First things first, DNA test. Establish once and for all if she is his daughter. At least then you will know the facts. All sides will have complicated feelings about this situation that will need to be navigated but none have to be done with immediacy.

Really sorry OP. I’d be floored too and, tbh, I’d feel a little selfish in the sense that I’d feel a bit put out that my much longed for baby’s arrival has come at the same time as this news.

But I’d try to remember this was not while he was with you/shortly before it/during a break, which does happen all too frequently. This results in a devastating relationship breakdown while heavily pregnant which is obviously not the case here. It sounds like you have a good relationship and will support each other through this.

I’d definitely start with a DNA test though - not because I wouldn’t trust the ex but more so as I’d want to prevent any more heartache for your husband or his daughter if they begin to bond believing they’re father and daughter.

I agree with people saying there's no need for your husband to jump on this right now.

They could have some contact by email or a couple of phone calls, they don't need to rush to meet up when you are pregnant and obviously need him with you. She will still be there in a few months' time, and having a newborn is a very good reason to keep things stable right now.

They should get a DNA test done and in the meantime, have email contact for a few months to get to know each other a bit.

Once baby is here and you are settled, then they could meet up up.

From your title I thought your DP might have had an affair with a young DC as a result. This 'child' is late 20s so will have less of a direct impact in terms of his time and energy.

So first of all he doesn't have to travel anywhere now - he needs to be with you, end of. In fact he should probably sort out a DNA test before any travel on either side is sorted out.

He doesn't have to travel to see her any time soon. If they are related and they do want to start a relationship I would suggest a slow build up of emails and zoom

Yes it's a shock but completely workable.

Good luck with your pregnancy. Focus on you and what you can control

God the absolute state of some of these replies. MN is a fucking cesspit lately.

Of course it’s a shock, it would be a shock to most people (they’re lying if they say otherwise) and your emotions are heightened being full of hormones. Ignore those feigning ignorance as to why it possibly wouldn’t be a shock. It doesn’t matter if this woman is an adult, it IS a shock still and anyone with half a brain could see you didn’t mean you want her to die, you just don’t want to have to give any mental energy to this situation when you’re in the countdown to having a baby.

Firstly, you need to tell him it’s inappropriate and unfair for him to put the decision on you re: contact, but he absolutely doesn’t need to swan off to another country right now, that is ridiculous. He needs to establish if this woman is actually his child, does he know the mother, timelines are correct etc? Next steps would be DNA. He needs to explain this to her, explain the timing and as PP says, she’s an adult she should have the capacity to understand what he is going through and why he cannot dedicate lots of time to her right now. If the DNA comes back to be his, then they could build a relationship remotely at first.

Try to take some time to relax and concentrate on your baby and the imminent arrival, and it will seem easier / less emotional and raw with time.

Poolyou don't want to have the anticipation that the test results are on their way whilst you are due to give birth or soon after - it's worth remembering that it will take at least a few months (or more) for your hormones to settle down. I was again very emotional at silly things really during this time.

Be kind to yourself and focus on you, your husband and your baby - the emotional trauma you have already been through to get pregnant is huge, I'm not sure I realised how much of a toll it took on me until a few months after my DC was born. So enjoy it as much as possible and don't let this ruin your special time. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and birth and remember your husband clearly loves you and the baby so much and you are his number 1 priority 💐 💕

Sorry op, I had to copy and paste my post and obviously only did half of it... the first half should have said that your feelings are completely valid, I also had a high risk pregnancy after loss and ivf and my anxiety was through the roof, I would get upset at far less significant things. Tell your husband how you feel and delay any action after after your baby is born, even the DNA test as you don't want the anticipation of those results. Good luck x x

Are you always this much of a cunt?

It’s a natural reaction to wish this had not happened

it’s hassle, it’s going to be difficult potentially and we’re all entitled to our feelings- perhaps @Shauna27 is saying here what she doesn’t feel she can say out loud in her real life

Ah OP, I think you're totally justified in feeling upset. I'd be upset myself. All this needs to go on hold until after the baby comes. He needs to explain this to her. A few months down the line he can do the DNA test then. I think I would be very wary of someone just 'popping up' out of nowhere now. I would be wondering if the mother heard that you had money and that might be behind all this now.

Has the woman actually been in touch with your DH or just through a friend. My late FIL went through something similar, he split up with his wife, divorced, remarried and some years later got a letter forwarded on by a charity. The letter was from a 20 year old girl who believed he was her father. We did the maths and it wasn’t possible that he was the father, so he wrote back telling her this giving dates. Fast forward a few months and another letter arrives, she says she still thinks he’s her father and still wants to meet, as she’s missed out so much not knowing him. FIL contacted the charity to tell them and they told him not to write back. Take it slow, a couple more months isn’t going to hurt if DH wants to contact her, but I would also want DNA tests done before he goes off to another country.

Hi OP, I would be absolutely horrified. I am also pregnant at the moment after many difficulties and I would struggle to cope with that sort of news.
until I knew it was definitely true, I would be skeptical so if possible I would want a DNA test.

You should be able to feel however you want about this. You do not have to think it’s wonderful or build a relationship with her (if it’s true) unless you decide to. Your baby is your priority.

Gosh OP what a shock. This really changes the dynamics of what you thought you had doesn't it? I totally get why you feel side swiped.
Let's just consider your husband though, and the range of emotion he must be feeling. From disbelief to hurt and anger at being denied the chance to be a father for so long. He must be feeling pretty terrible too?
However, your firsts with your new baby, will be his too. The relationship, if proven of course, will not alter what he has with your child..and I guess that's where your emotions are coming from?
You say your 34 weeks pregnant, there is no rush for your dp to meet this girl before your baby is born especially given the distance.
I would imagine they will exchange messages and chat prior to any meeting. And you should support that, the meeting can happen post baby's birth.
Of course it's changed things but it doesn't have to be a negative impact.
The best thing you can do, is be open and talk to your dp, and support him too.

You know, I'm in my 40s and having being conceived in similar circumstances, I've never met my father. As a child it wasn't possible because my mother was so against the idea - no reason, he wasn't a bad man by all accounts, she just very much saw me as "her" child and didn't want anything to do with him.

As an adult, with the resources to track him down, I didn't bother, precisely because I didn't want to throw such a bomb into someone else's life, especially out what was nothing more than curiosity on my part. Perhaps that was wrong - he has missed out on getting to know me and my children, just as much as I missed out on knowing him - but it never seemed worth the fall-out.

I would put the burden of this decision back on to him, it is, respectfully, not yours to make. I'd advise him to proceed with caution though. She may not even be is, and if she is, she may have an agenda. Or it may be all completely innocent, and who knows, even positive. But I'd proceed very cautiously.

Op this is a tough one, of course it shocked you and you will of course be upset as the family you believed you were creating together will now be different. You will all need time to adapt to this.
His daughter is in innocent in this as you know, she was never made aware of who her father is so we don’t know if she’s tried to find out for a while or has never been interested. Now she knows she clearly wants to meet to find out more about her heritage , her father and what her life could be like with her father part of it.

Your husband also needs to explore this as you know he will be surprised and will be worried about the stress of all this on you but he’s missed out of raising a child and has no idea about this women/ daughter. I think he will find this hard when your baby is born and he will realise he could have already had this life.

Is there anyway that she could visit your country? Even with your husband perhaps finding her somewhere local to stay? That way your husband is close to you and if you’re all up to it, you could maybe meet her too? Yes she needs to meet him and do some dna testing but as she is already an adult, maybe she would like to know about his life and be a part of yours too.

Take some time to feel shocked and upset about this. You aren’t blaming anyone but still have a right to be upset as would many women if they found out their husband had another child. You know he didn’t hide it which I guess feels a bit better. Make sure you’re taking it easy and not letting the stress get to you too much.