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Original poster

34 weeks pregnant and we just found out he has another child

251 replies

Shauna27 · 24/04/2023 23:12

My husband and I have been together 6 years and we're expecting our first child next month. I'm so happy to be pregnant as it was a difficult journey to get to this stage (multiple miscarriages and rounds of ivf) but my whole world came crashing down yesterday when he received a call from a relative of his to say that a women had contacted them claiming he was their father.
I cant even believe I'm writing this, it doesn't feel real.

This women is in her late 20s (she would have been conceived when my husband was very young and also there is a 10 year age difference between my husband and I). My husband doesn't know what to do with moving forward. He wants to do whatever I feel ok/comfortable with as he said his first priority is me and our baby. I just feel like the world has come crashing down on me and now I carry the burden of deciding how he should proceed with this. I'm obviously very fragile emotionally given the circumstances, and would prefer that this girl never existed because of the pain it creates for me, but at the same time, I would never deny my husband the right to connect with his daughter nor her the right to connect with her father. It just hurts so much that the timing of this is literally weeks before my baby is due and it feels like the joy of that moment is being stolen from me because I have to deal with this situation. I've just come on here for some advice and maybe a way to see this in a positive light because I really don't want to feel so sad in the lead up to my baby being born, it makes me feel so guilty for my baby.

Just to add, my husband isn't even entirely sure that he's definitely the father as this happened many years ago after a very short fling and the women he had the fling with never contacted him regarding a pregnancy and there would have been literally no reason she couldn't have as he would have been supportive of whatever she wanted to do. My husband is completely floored by the news too. Any advice would be really helpful! Thank you in advance.

OP posts:
Whichwhatnow · 25/04/2023 11:01

I can understand your shock, but... given the length of your relationship, this could easily have been a 7/8/9 year old who your DH would have had to try and build a relationship with while navigating access arrangements, child maintenance etc and you working out your role as stepmother, all with a newborn.

A 29 year old in another country is no threat to you. She hasn't sought out your DH until now so presumably isn't desperate for a very close father/daughter relationship? She could be lovely and a great - albeit distant - addition to your lives.

Dontcareforthehaters · 25/04/2023 11:03

This is a hard one, I feel for the OP, what terrible timing.
To help you all move forward, I would first try to establish the facts, i.e. I would ask for a DNA test, once the results are in them the situation will either need further consideration, or not. As you said, this happened so long ago that requesting a DNA test is totally fair.

If the results indicate a genetic relationship between your husband and this woman, then he really does need to be the one who makes a decision on how to proceed. It may be that he lets her know that he is interested in getting to know her (if he is her father and he is interested in getting to know her), but she will have to wait until the dust settles.

Best of luck with this tricky situation.

FoodCentre · 25/04/2023 11:11

Would you like someone to write you a thesis?

What is your problem @illtakeit ConfusedHmm
Being unpleasant for no reason like ok??

FoodCentre · 25/04/2023 11:13

sugarspices · 25/04/2023 10:55

@FoodCentre I think @CornflakesOnTheSolesOfHerShoes summed it up really well when she said:

It’s the destabilisation of what you thought you knew; the rival claim by a total stranger on your husband’s paternal role; the intrusion of a previous relationship into your own; and the fact that your baby isn’t arriving into the newly created family you thought you were making but a much more complicated blended set-up.

Thanks. Its obviously not been confirmed yet, but I agree with others who say she may well enrich OP's family. And if she doesn't, there's no obligation to be involved with a nearly 30 year old woman.

When the shock does down, it should all work out either way i or

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 25/04/2023 11:22

t’s the destabilisation of what you thought you knew; the rival claim by a total stranger on your husband’s paternal role; the intrusion of a previous relationship into your own; and the fact that your baby isn’t arriving into the newly created family you thought you were making but a much more complicated blended set-up.

But...no. There is no complicated blended set up. That's just nonsense. There's no intrusion of a previous relationship. The baby IS arriving into their newly created family.
This woman is not going to affect OP's life or baby in any way at all. She's a grown woman and OP doesn't even have to meet her.

MNHQ
LivMumsnet · 25/04/2023 11:30

Morning all. We're just popping our heads around the door to spread a bit of peace and love here. After all, Mumsnet is here to make parents' lives easier and it looks as though the OP could do with a bit of understanding in what is a difficult situation. Thanks all. Flowers

Irequireausername · 25/04/2023 11:32

illtakeit · 25/04/2023 10:51

Would you like someone to write you a thesis?

Show quote history

Exactly. I doubt I could even explain it thoroughly enough to the poster if they are as genuinely baffled as they're suggesting.

CornflakesOnTheSolesOfHerShoes · 25/04/2023 11:40

But she exists! Regardless of whether she’s popping round for Sunday lunch or a looming mysterious presence, her existence alters the whole shape of the family that OP’s baby is arriving into, and that knowledge must be hugely painful to confront, regardless of how things might eventually turn out. It’s just obtuse to pretend not to see that.

CornflakesOnTheSolesOfHerShoes · 25/04/2023 11:41

Sorry, that was meant to be a reply to @50percentNamaste

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 25/04/2023 11:42

CornflakesOnTheSolesOfHerShoes · 25/04/2023 11:40

But she exists! Regardless of whether she’s popping round for Sunday lunch or a looming mysterious presence, her existence alters the whole shape of the family that OP’s baby is arriving into, and that knowledge must be hugely painful to confront, regardless of how things might eventually turn out. It’s just obtuse to pretend not to see that.

No it doesn't, it doesn't change her family at all. She's a complete stranger who OP might not ever meet.

sugarspices · 25/04/2023 11:52

@50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself unless OP and her husband decide not to have any contact with his adult child at all, it's obviously going to have an impact on their lives, even if that impact is only so much as a couple of visits a year.

Their baby has a sister, someone is going to have to explain this background to them when it's age appropriate. It's quite bizarre to consider a surprise adult child a complete non issue that will have zero impact on the lives on anyone 🤔 it's already impacting OP, whether you think it should or not.

NowAAT · 25/04/2023 11:55

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 25/04/2023 11:42

No it doesn't, it doesn't change her family at all. She's a complete stranger who OP might not ever meet.

Show quote history

I don't understand how you can say it doesn't change anything? What if OP's DH want to have a relationship with his daughter?

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 25/04/2023 11:58

What if he does? How does him making phone calls or sending emials affect OP's life or family at all?

FoodCentre · 25/04/2023 11:59

Exactly. I doubt I could even explain it thoroughly enough to the poster if they are as genuinely baffled as they're suggesting.

I think what's more likely is you can't explain it and you're looking for a problem where there is none. I can't understand why a PP would be 'devastated' by the news. That's all.

I asked a perfectly valid question and somebody kindly answered with a non-snippy reply. Not that hard.

If you don't want to answer, scroll on by. Nobody tagged you @Irequireausername

NowAAT · 25/04/2023 12:03

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 25/04/2023 11:58

What if he does? How does him making phone calls or sending emials affect OP's life or family at all?

So the relationship will definitely not go further than emails and phone calls? Stop being ridiculous and be a bit more rational

Irequireausername · 25/04/2023 12:14

FoodCentre · 25/04/2023 11:59

Exactly. I doubt I could even explain it thoroughly enough to the poster if they are as genuinely baffled as they're suggesting.

I think what's more likely is you can't explain it and you're looking for a problem where there is none. I can't understand why a PP would be 'devastated' by the news. That's all.

I asked a perfectly valid question and somebody kindly answered with a non-snippy reply. Not that hard.

If you don't want to answer, scroll on by. Nobody tagged you @Irequireausername

What? It's literally me that you tagged in the first place...

FoodCentre · Today 09:31

Irequireausername · Today 08:06

People on here are unreal. I'd be devastated. Hopefully he's not the father.

Why devastated? About what, specifically? Because I'm not getting the extreme reaction. Shocked and maybe unhappy, but why devastated.

I am allowed to talk to people on here, just as you are. Grow up.

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 25/04/2023 12:23

NowAAT · 25/04/2023 12:03

So the relationship will definitely not go further than emails and phone calls? Stop being ridiculous and be a bit more rational

Show quote history

I'm being very rational, unlike many on here.

They live in different countries. She's a complete stranger. It's not going to be much more than emails and phone calls for a long time, if ever. But the Dad going for a short visit at some stage changes my point not a bit.

Talking about complex blended familys is pure nonsense. OP literally never has to meet this woman. I think some posters are thinking this is Eastenders or something, she isn't moving into their spare room tomorrow and expecting bedtime stories from Daddy.

MangoPi · 25/04/2023 12:31

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 25/04/2023 12:23

I'm being very rational, unlike many on here.

They live in different countries. She's a complete stranger. It's not going to be much more than emails and phone calls for a long time, if ever. But the Dad going for a short visit at some stage changes my point not a bit.

Talking about complex blended familys is pure nonsense. OP literally never has to meet this woman. I think some posters are thinking this is Eastenders or something, she isn't moving into their spare room tomorrow and expecting bedtime stories from Daddy.

Show quote history

Yep,

My experience was exactly like this.

Met bio dad for the first time at 20 after a few phone calls and texts.

Saw him twice over the space of 3 years, once on his own, once with his parents.

Ultimately, there wasn't enough commitment on his behalf mostly - he said he could only see me once every couple of years as he was a very busy man, I felt this was nowhere near enough to build a relationship considering we literally did not know each other and he was awful at keeping up communication over the phone.

Fizzled out to nothing, I last spoke to him 2 years ago.

We only live an hour and a half away from each other, let alone another country.

You have to really want the relationship and to commit to it I think, especially when said child is an adult, that is a lot of time to have missed and to try to build upon.

Fine for the OP to have her feelings about it but the expectations I think need to be set realistically in the first instance.

She might well come over to visit but she isn't moving in any time soon I shouldn't think.

TescoFinestMyArse · 25/04/2023 14:14

Why do you feel guilty for your baby!?

FoodCentre · 25/04/2023 14:26

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Irequireausername · 25/04/2023 14:34

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No i'm not, you had a go at me when I replied to the OP and then again when I replied to somebody else. I wish you would get bored of me 🤞

TescoFinestMyArse · 25/04/2023 17:14

@50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself

Completely agree with everything you've said.

Emmamoo89 · 25/04/2023 22:01

Was half asleep when I wrote that. Your feelings**

LovetheSums · 03/05/2023 18:33

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MeetMyCat · 03/05/2023 20:59

I understand why the OP is feeling blindsided by this - boy meets girl, wedding, baby on the way - then, oh hang on a minute, an adult daughter pops up. Hardly the fairytale, is it?