34 weeks pregnant and we just found out he has another child

[Shauna27]

My husband and I have been together 6 years and we're expecting our first child next month. I'm so happy to be pregnant as it was a difficult journey to get to this stage (multiple miscarriages and rounds of ivf) but my whole world came crashing down yesterday when he received a call from a relative of his to say that a women had contacted them claiming he was their father.
I cant even believe I'm writing this, it doesn't feel real.

This women is in her late 20s (she would have been conceived when my husband was very young and also there is a 10 year age difference between my husband and I). My husband doesn't know what to do with moving forward. He wants to do whatever I feel ok/comfortable with as he said his first priority is me and our baby. I just feel like the world has come crashing down on me and now I carry the burden of deciding how he should proceed with this. I'm obviously very fragile emotionally given the circumstances, and would prefer that this girl never existed because of the pain it creates for me, but at the same time, I would never deny my husband the right to connect with his daughter nor her the right to connect with her father. It just hurts so much that the timing of this is literally weeks before my baby is due and it feels like the joy of that moment is being stolen from me because I have to deal with this situation. I've just come on here for some advice and maybe a way to see this in a positive light because I really don't want to feel so sad in the lead up to my baby being born, it makes me feel so guilty for my baby.

Just to add, my husband isn't even entirely sure that he's definitely the father as this happened many years ago after a very short fling and the women he had the fling with never contacted him regarding a pregnancy and there would have been literally no reason she couldn't have as he would have been supportive of whatever she wanted to do. My husband is completely floored by the news too. Any advice would be really helpful! Thank you in advance.

The child is in her 20s now.

Sorry, what are everyone involved’s anpproximate ages here, I’m confused?

You ask for positive ways to see it. Your unborn child will have a half sibling. Another person to love and support them.

Goodness I’d be so upset too. TBH I’d be upset that your husband was so quick to put his reaction on you, on the guise of you and your baby ‘coming first’. That is really, really not what I would expect from my husband.

He’s a father, he has a child. I’d be horrified if my husband thought for a second he could do anything other than engage with her and try and create a relationship.

@GettingThereCharleyBear thank you for your kind words x

All these people telling OP that she isn't entitled to feel hurt or upset. FFS. This is a blow out of the blue for anyone (unless all of you have had a 20 something year old daughter of your dh turn up on your steps and you just said "Oh darling, this one's for you. I'll be in the kitchen watching corrie") A whole other human being that he missed seeing grow up and now has to navigate a relationship with - all while his wife is heavily pregnant. Come on.

OP, your dh should reply to her and tell her he knew nothing of her existence and the first thing might be for the two of them to do a dna test to make sure they know where they stand. He should tell her that you are heavily pregnant so he cannot travel at the moment. Whether you can travel or not I think a slow approach is better anyway - do the test, start emailing/texting, arrange to meet when you've got to know each other a little. I also strongly suggest that he sees a counsellor about this if she is his daughter - you too. This is a big thing in his life and it will impact him - and you. But it could be very positive. I met a parent in my late 20s - but the parent contacted me not the other way around. It is a rewarding relationship but undoubtedly tricky in the first years.

I can understand this is a shock to you and you feel its taking the shine off your pregnancy but really, if he is the father, then it's not so bad!
Your husband is probably shocked to to the core also by this bolt out of the blue, however as a PP has said it is not his daughters fault ( or his) that his identity has been kept a secret from her all these years. Of course she wants to meet her Dad and get to know his family, that's only natural. But first things first, get a DNA test done to ensure he actually is her Dad and meanwhile try to put yourself in her shoes and get things in perspective. This really shouldn't affect you or you baby negatively.

@MissTrip82 I should have said in my initial post, the girl is in her late 20s and lives in a different country to us. Its not that he doesn't know what to do regarding contacting her, he will of course do so, its that he doesn't want to leave me to go to a different country to meet her when I have a high risk pregnancy and I may be induced at any scan going forward. This is why he's saying it's my decision etc (which is still unfair to put on me, I agree).

Sorry, what are everyone involved’s anpproximate ages here, I’m confused?

Don't know their ages, but op is 10 years younger than her dh. The daughter of the op’s dh is in her late 20s.

This must be an incredible shock to you both !
Your husband has made it clear you and baby are priority so focus on that.
Take time to let it sink in and don’t make any rash decisions, get a dna test to confirm it there’s no point in doing anything surely until it’s definitely confirmed.
whilst your husband has said he will follow your lead if you tell him you don’t want him to have a relationship (but he really did) it may cause problems down the line, so ask him what he wants but take it very tentatively and slow.
really this is no one’s fault, he didn’t cheat and he wasn’t told.

I assume as she lives abroad it’s not something where she will turn up on your doorstep anyway day , so have your baby enjoy the birth and settling in as a family. If he wants to contact her just let him start with a phone call and see what happens.

@Pallisers thank you so much for your reply and very helpful advice! I really needed to read something like that to get my head around how we navigate this situation and your words have been very reassuring! Thanks again x

no he shouldnt put that on you he should realise himself he cant leave the country right now

just remind him of the high risk and say of course get in contact but thats all for now

I think the first step would be a dna test to prove (or disprove) the claim, and make sure dh carries out the test so he gets the results directly.

I agree it’s a huge shock. You’re at an exciting and nervous stage of your life, and this has occurred. You must remember it’s nothing personal or done to hurt you. However, it is a lot to take in, and to get your head around.

It's obviously a huge shock to you both and I can see how upsetting it is for you but the woman is in her 20s, she lives in another country - is she really going to have a massive impact on your lives? It's not as if you're going to be hosting her 50/50 or paying huge amounts of maintenance. She probably just needs to know where she comes from, pretty sure she is no threat to your relationship unless you allow it by your shock.

I would honestly try and get communications going through email etc first before you jump into the deep end and meet. You don't know what kind of person she is and with your pregnancy it will take some of the weight of your shoulders knowing it's not going to clash with possible induction.

Sorry you're going through this. It must be a massive shock. But don't let it damper your excitement for your baby. He hasn't done it already, it's new for you both still.

@Shauna27

I'm hurt by the timing of it all!?

He didn't know, he hasn't wronged you. I get that it's a shock and moving forward he has an adult child who he will likely have contact with but it's no threat to your own relationship

@shieldmaiden7 thank you for your advice and kind words x

I'm also 34 weeks pregnant and would not welcome news like this!

Honestly if it was me I'd ask my husband to leave it for 6 months or so - the girl is already late 20s there's no rush to make contact. Try to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and early newborn days, then redirect your attention to this once you're more settled in family life.

@sugarspices it's so nice to have another pregnant women's perspective on my situation as I feel people are not understanding the anxiety we have already without this thrown into the mix! Thank you for your reply you made me feel a lot better!

@aberlot you are attributing the hurt I feel by the situation to my husband. I don't blame my husband for any of the hurt I feel in this situation, nor do i blame the girl. The reason i am hurt is because I have a high risk pregnancy and I didn't need a very stressful and shocking situation like this bomb that has just been dropped in my life. If anyone is to blame for this situation, it's the girls mother for keeping my husband in the dark about this girls entire existence.

I think it's understandable to feel how you do, especially after IVF etc. I know how vulnerable that makes you feel.

Remind yourself that whatever happens, your baby is still his first experience of being a Dad, his first time of being in a relationship and going through all the highs and lows of parenting together. Focus on your little family as the three of you get to know life together, once your baby is here.

I'd tell him that I wouldn't want him traveling right now, and that he should work out the best way forward from here so that he can support you and find out about the past of this woman, and the true situation.

OP you are totally allowed to feel hurt. You can feel however you feel- it's not for any judgy mumsnet commenters to tell you what you are and aren't allowed to feel.
The timing is far from ideal and it sounds like it's been a huge shock for you and your husband. Especially with what you've said about having had a rocky journey to your own pregnancy.
It sounds to me that you know you'll be supportive and you're just processing your emotions. I think that's ok.
Your husband is also processing it and is trying to do the right things by showing he is here for you in one of your most vulnerable times.

Try and keep in mind the daughter couldn't have known you would be pregnant, it's just one of those things with regard to timing.
One step at a time. It sounds like you and your husband have pretty good support in each other, and this could be happy news given time. Good luck with the next steps.

Pause, and try to calm down.

I get why it's upsetting. Instead of your child being both your and your husband's first child, out of the blue he already has a child. It's an adjustment most women make when they date a man, not when they're about to have a child with them.

How did she find your DH's relative? Did they do one of the DNA tests on Ancestry.com or somesuch? If they did, then there is a good chance that she is his daughter. If it's tracking down the name due to what your mother told her, then maybe there's still a bit of a question mark. Either way, a DNA test would settle the questions and give you a breather while you have your child.

@KickAssAngel thank you for your response, it's really helpful to have advice from someone who understands the fragility of a pregnancy after many rounds of ivf etc and how this is the last thing you would want to happen during a high risk pregnancy.

@Inkypot you are of course right about her not knowing that I would be pregnant etc. I have no bad feelings towards her personally, I just feel bad about the timing of it all. I really appreciate your advice. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post.

To wish that a human being doesn’t exist is a massive and awful over-reaction.