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Original poster

Left out of a holiday with friends, help to move past it

309 replies

CallHerJohn · 24/04/2023 04:25

This is pretty lame but I'm feeling a bit vulnerable so looking for advice.

I have two local friends, who have kids the same age as mine. We tend to meet up all together, have a group chat with the three of us, and the only reason we'd be without one of us is if the 3rd one is working or not around for some reason - generally we invite each other and/or our families when meeting up.

Last week the two other families went on holiday together. I only found out a few weeks ago after asking what one of their plans were over the Easter break. She sheepishly said her family were going away with the other family. I didn't really react, even though I was a bit hurt not to be asked. It's so silly isn't it? I'm a grown woman, but it feels like all those school days feelings of not being included have come right back.

We have a little baby (the other families have two dcs each), so maybe they thought we wouldn't be able to come or want to, but it would have been nice to be asked i guess? Or maybe they just didn't want us to come. Which hurts to think about.

I was ditched by my group of friends at the end of primary school (I never found out why), and ever since it's given me a bit of insecurity around relationships, so this plays right into my anxieties.

I will be seeing these friends regularly at the school gate, activities and socially (i hope?) and I guess I need to have some help to get over this and just move on so it doesn't affect the friendship. Like a mantra to tell myself? Or something?

OP posts:
MsWhitworth · 25/04/2023 07:01

TheaBrandt · 25/04/2023 06:52

Also you are minimising the impact of the baby op because that suits your agenda - I don’t think the others would see it like that. They also can’t say so without sounding mean. I kind of get it though once you are through a challenging parenting stage you want no more part of it. Are there other families with older ones and a new baby that you get along with?

That’s because IT IS mean. Maybe it’s a bit inconvenient to have a baby along but I would rather that than sneak around behind the back of a friend I’m meant to love and care about and run the risk of hurting their feelings if they find out.

They’re meant to be her friends! Who cares if a baby comes, they haven’t got to look after it. They’ve put their own desire to have a perfect holiday over the feelings of a person they’re meant to like and care about. They’re not nice people.

Allezvite · 25/04/2023 07:15

I think what must hurt the most here is that you knew them both separately first and then brought everyone together. Might you be able to ask the most trusted or longest-standing friend of the two about it separately? I think it would be horrendously awkward to sit down as a three to ask them together, and it might feel rather confrontational. If you speak to them separately and say you and dc were sad to be left out and you just want to understand if there was a particular reason and also check if this is their preference now, to do things as a group sometimes but as a pair others.

You don’t want to be doing the “pick me” dance, or trying to engineer things with one or both of them if they’ve now decided they prefer to do holidays etc in this way.

and I agree that sadly it is probably either the baby / having non-matching children or that one of theirs isn’t keen on one of yours, or their DHs are closer or something like that. Really awkward stuff that’s hard to say to someone.

A test of friendship - if you’re able to get it out in the open you can adjust the dynamic accordingly.

JoanThursday1972 · 25/04/2023 07:28

Fair enough for people not to want to go on holiday with a newborn but not fair enough not to have a decent conversation with friends.

TheyAreMyBhunasPete · 25/04/2023 07:45

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 25/04/2023 05:46

Totally. At the moment I have a baby and I wouldn't inflict that on anyone (mine sleeps through but I can't trust they'll sleep OK on holiday). Why should someone be kept awake/woken up by my baby? Im considerate of other people. Once mine is older vice versa, I don't want to be woken either. Tat isnt my idea of a relaxing holiday. I guess we are all different ... hence why OP probably wasn't invited. A baby will add a whole other layer of faff, and it's ok for someone not to want that if they're on holiday 🤷🏼‍♀️

Show quote history

Again, they wouldn't even be staying together

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 25/04/2023 07:56

TheaBrandt · 25/04/2023 06:52

Also you are minimising the impact of the baby op because that suits your agenda - I don’t think the others would see it like that. They also can’t say so without sounding mean. I kind of get it though once you are through a challenging parenting stage you want no more part of it. Are there other families with older ones and a new baby that you get along with?

Exactly its a lose-lose

SeulementUneFois · 25/04/2023 09:21

TheaBrandt · 25/04/2023 06:52

Also you are minimising the impact of the baby op because that suits your agenda - I don’t think the others would see it like that. They also can’t say so without sounding mean. I kind of get it though once you are through a challenging parenting stage you want no more part of it. Are there other families with older ones and a new baby that you get along with?

This OP.

Just because it might not be next door it doesn't mean it would be not impact things.

MilkInWay · 25/04/2023 09:33

Thinking about it in a different way. There are lots of girls in particular who are in a close friendship group of 3. Should 2 out of the three never have a playdate by themselves? Sleepovers? Isn't it that the three are friends and enjoy each other's company but sometimes it's easier, more enjoyable, more manageable or simply preferable to have a playdate with only 1 of the 2 good friends? As long as it feels equal it's fine.

I find the insistence on being included in everything and these great feelings of hurt for not being included quite inflexible and a bit demanding.

Original poster
CallHerJohn · 25/04/2023 09:43

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 25/04/2023 06:39

You're also ignoring the many posters which are saying it would change the dynamic (sleep is just another issue).
Personally, I think it would be really awkward! I think I would be too chicken to tell them incase they overreacted (like many on here), I would like to be honest and upfront with them assuming they're reasonable people but reading this thread it does make me wonder. I think I would just make up something to save the drama, and obviously I wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings either. Although if one of my friends was going to be weird about not being invited on holiday with their baby then that would make me question them as well. I feel my friends are all reasonable people, as am I. I feel a reasonable person would feel upset, but then also understand and not think it was a big deal (after being upset for a bit).

Show quote history

I'm not denying that the baby changes the dynamic, I am hearing that the baby could be the reason. I get that it's a stage the others are now well past and might not be their thing.

OP posts:
darjeelingrose · 25/04/2023 10:08

CallHerJohn · 24/04/2023 09:19

No I definitely wouldn't have gone anyway had i known! That would be really strange and not something I would do. Nor would I have insisted!

Show quote history

I think you aren't being quite honest (with yourself?) here. You said
If they had said
"hey CHJ we're thinking of going to x place with the other family, thought it probably wouldn't suit you guys right now though so maybe next time we can all go together"
it would have been better. But don't you think that you would have been inclined to say "hold on, that'd suit us just fine".

You then say
Yes we would have absolutely gone. It was a low key family oriented sort of thing, not far away, and only day time options as there's no night life there.
So I think you would have insisted, not in an awful way, you would be telling yourself that you were putting their fears to rest etc. I don't think you are the bad person here at all, but I think this is why they didn't tell you.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 25/04/2023 10:16

OP, have they been in touch since?

I wonder if they are feeling sheepish / embarrassed. It was pretty scurvy to sneak behind you back.

MsWhitworth · 25/04/2023 10:17

I know you are being persuaded by posters here that what they’ve done is reasonable and you’ve nothing to complain about, but that runs the risk of invalidating your feelings and making you feel worse.

FWIW I think you have every right to feel hurt and upset. What they’ve done is mean and selfish.

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 25/04/2023 10:42

MilkInWay · 25/04/2023 09:33

Thinking about it in a different way. There are lots of girls in particular who are in a close friendship group of 3. Should 2 out of the three never have a playdate by themselves? Sleepovers? Isn't it that the three are friends and enjoy each other's company but sometimes it's easier, more enjoyable, more manageable or simply preferable to have a playdate with only 1 of the 2 good friends? As long as it feels equal it's fine.

I find the insistence on being included in everything and these great feelings of hurt for not being included quite inflexible and a bit demanding.

Exactly this. It sounds horrible to be friends with people like this where you need to run everything past them and include or invite them to everything. It's actually very weird and I wonder if people actually do this RL because it doesn't seem very practical

fruitbrewhaha · 25/04/2023 11:22

Oh gosh. They didn’t tell you because they knew if was shit not to invite you. If like to say you’ve all hind together as a three they know they have been out of order.

You have to ask them. Either you call them out on it and they apologise or come up with a good reason, ie maybe they took the last two cabins? Or it will eat you up. Give them the opportunity to make it up to you and the kids. Or fuck them off.

Original poster
CallHerJohn · 25/04/2023 11:24

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 25/04/2023 10:16

OP, have they been in touch since?

I wonder if they are feeling sheepish / embarrassed. It was pretty scurvy to sneak behind you back.

They've both been in touch, separately and also in the group chat.

Group chat was a photo of our eldest dcs from 4 years ago looking cute, not sure why as it wouldn't have been a "memory" as it's the wrong time of year. The other one commented how cute they all were. I've not replied.

One has asked to go for a coffee on the weekend. Odd too as it was just to me

The other was to ask to borrow something reasonably urgent which I've replied to and I think her dh has collected (I've been with the baby).

I'm keeping things low key at the moment, not sure how things will go as there's a kids party this weekend that one of them will be at.

OP posts:
Original poster
CallHerJohn · 25/04/2023 11:27

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 25/04/2023 10:42

Exactly this. It sounds horrible to be friends with people like this where you need to run everything past them and include or invite them to everything. It's actually very weird and I wonder if people actually do this RL because it doesn't seem very practical

Show quote history

This thread is in relationships, not aibu, and I've noted that I'm feeling hurt and vulnerable so looking for advice. I fully understand that you think I'm bu but this isn't what I've asked and I actually think your posts are unnecessarily nasty. At the very least jumping to all sorts of incorrect conclusions about what this friendship group are like or what I'm like to be friends with. Are you offering anything constructive?

OP posts:
mast0650 · 25/04/2023 11:32

One has asked to go for a coffee on the weekend. Odd too as it was just to me

Sounds like a good opportunity to clear the air if you want to. I would, if it was me. I know some other people thing it will be too weird/awkward/embarassing. I agree that it will be a bit uncomfortable, but if you feel this friendship is worth something, then personally I think it is worth trying to be honest.

TheaBrandt · 25/04/2023 11:34

It is hurtful but honestly I would rant to your Dh and put on a jolly front to them and see the bigger picture - would be a shame to burn bridges if they are otherwise decent friends whose company you enjoy.

Honestly I’m out the other side of these friendships forged with other parents and many have endured although our kids are teens and not really friends though a few are. We were laughing the other day as one friend remembers their family weren’t invited on a camping trip in 2012 none of us remember why but they were obviously hurt at the time but never said anything they are great lovely friends would have been awful if they had stropped off over something that is so minor now and here we are years later still friends

Littlepiglet123 · 25/04/2023 12:35

I hear you. Been through it and you are all owed to be hurt- I was.

It's not the fact they want a baby free holiday it's the fact they don't appear as if they were going to let you know.

Would they usually post photos on the group chat of them on their holidays, would they have continued to have done this being on holiday together and having not told you? Doubt it.

JulieHoney · 25/04/2023 12:41

As your children no longer “fit” - ie having a very much younger child without a corresponding playmate - you may find this happens more often.

A great number of parent friendships spring from having children who play together well, leaving the parents the space to socialise. Once that gets out of balance, the friendships can wither away a bit.

Littlepiglet123 · 25/04/2023 12:43

What I did learn my experience (which was only different in that my best friends were my siblings) is that, if I could turn back the clock, I may have put a message on the group chat along the following lines "Sorry for the silence, I'll be honest in saying I have been really hurt hearing about your holiday plans. I appreciate that you may want a baby free break, but having not been told anything about it- when I thought we were all on the same page, has left me feeling excluded. Knowing you all as lovely humans, I'm pretty sure they was not your intention, but, it's never a nice feeling being left out of something you would have once been included in."

Or some such reply
Good luck x

Whydidyou · 25/04/2023 12:48

Great reply

TheaBrandt · 25/04/2023 12:50

Oh god don’t send a message like that to friends. Unless you are happy for the friendships to be over.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 25/04/2023 14:43

CallHerJohn · 25/04/2023 11:24

They've both been in touch, separately and also in the group chat.

Group chat was a photo of our eldest dcs from 4 years ago looking cute, not sure why as it wouldn't have been a "memory" as it's the wrong time of year. The other one commented how cute they all were. I've not replied.

One has asked to go for a coffee on the weekend. Odd too as it was just to me

The other was to ask to borrow something reasonably urgent which I've replied to and I think her dh has collected (I've been with the baby).

I'm keeping things low key at the moment, not sure how things will go as there's a kids party this weekend that one of them will be at.

Show quote history

Sounds as though they are trying to sweep it under the rug. How strange about the posting of the photo.

In your shoes I'd be polite but disengaged at the kids' party; it would take me longer than a few days to process all of this. Will there be others there you can chat with? Or be on your phone a bit.

No way to the coffee at the weekend.

bjrce · 25/04/2023 15:29

One has asked to go for a coffee on the weekend. Odd too as it was just to me

My guess is - she is the alpha of the two and probably the one that came up with the idea of the holiday and has tasked herself with meeting up with you to "clear the air" and get back to normal ASAP.

She will have a ready made excuse for you. They both know they hurt you, that's why at they are keeping a low profile, the request to borrow- was testing the waters with you and the fact the DH picked up they are still keeping at a distance until they are clear on how you feel.

As soon as you have the coffee she will be straight back to the other friend to let her know how it went. They appear to want to resume normal activity -

They both know what they did was wrong - its now up to you how you want your friendship to proceed.

I can really understand why you're hurt.

Notanothernewname · 25/04/2023 17:51

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 25/04/2023 10:42

Exactly this. It sounds horrible to be friends with people like this where you need to run everything past them and include or invite them to everything. It's actually very weird and I wonder if people actually do this RL because it doesn't seem very practical

Show quote history

I was going to say the same thing. I've only seen this weird possessiveness over friendships on MN.

I'm friends with two ladies we have known each other 25 years, we'll go out as a trio but we'll also go out as pairs at times. It all depends on what it is or when it is. I'm not really one for theatre so they'll go without me, I've been shopping with one not the other.