Left out of a holiday with friends, help to move past it

[CallHerJohn]

This is pretty lame but I'm feeling a bit vulnerable so looking for advice.

I have two local friends, who have kids the same age as mine. We tend to meet up all together, have a group chat with the three of us, and the only reason we'd be without one of us is if the 3rd one is working or not around for some reason - generally we invite each other and/or our families when meeting up.

Last week the two other families went on holiday together. I only found out a few weeks ago after asking what one of their plans were over the Easter break. She sheepishly said her family were going away with the other family. I didn't really react, even though I was a bit hurt not to be asked. It's so silly isn't it? I'm a grown woman, but it feels like all those school days feelings of not being included have come right back.

We have a little baby (the other families have two dcs each), so maybe they thought we wouldn't be able to come or want to, but it would have been nice to be asked i guess? Or maybe they just didn't want us to come. Which hurts to think about.

I was ditched by my group of friends at the end of primary school (I never found out why), and ever since it's given me a bit of insecurity around relationships, so this plays right into my anxieties.

I will be seeing these friends regularly at the school gate, activities and socially (i hope?) and I guess I need to have some help to get over this and just move on so it doesn't affect the friendship. Like a mantra to tell myself? Or something?

Interesting that one of them has asked you to go for a coffee - maybe she wants to explain what's happened?

Yes I thought that, it's a positive I think

"I guess it is the way it was done sort of in secret that makes it feel worse. If they just said "hey CHJ we're thinking of going to x place with the other family, thought it probably wouldn't suit you guys right now though so maybe next time we can all go together" or something"

But a lot of people don't do this do they, just stick their head in the sand because it is the easier option. I think the choice is yours - try not to let it bother you and carry on as normal or drop them as friends. I do understand what you mean, I also had bad friendship experiences at school, but try not to take it personally - people are ultimatly spinless and go for the 'easy' option.

I'm not sure that I'd ask why - but I'm prideful and wouldn't want to let them know I'm hurting over it. I would breeze over whatever excuse they eventually give you.

What I would do is accept the dynamic has changed and that you can now do things with one of them or the other and you don't have to include them, and that they should be just fine about it, right?

I'd also get 2 tickets to something good and invite just one of them with her kids. Maybe the sheepish one. But that's because I'm petty as fuck and what they did affected your kid.

You always get lots of weird replies on threads like this, of course it's hurtful, and odd, of them not to invite you or mention it. If it's not the baby (which it still might be), it will be jealousy, maybe OF the baby. One of the two of them will have suggested going away, maybe the one who suggested coffee wishes to speak to you privately. Good plan to cool off a bit, they will miss you!

Agree with this totally. If something has really bothered you, you should speak up. The thing with this and any situation is what is right/ok, and if both parties differ there may be a problem, but also some can also "agree to disagree" and move past the specific incident and remain friends. It depends on the emotional intelligence of both parties.

Sorry wrong thread! Reported

I am wondering if there has been any friction BTW one of your kids and one of theirs. Or maybe their daughters have gotten closer and wanted to hang out as a twosome. You might not see it yourself, these things are not always visible, even to the child who is not invited (i.e. your child didn't necessarily do anything wrong, just the friendship dynamic changed).

I would try to be a bit flexible re the adult relationships. You aren't married to any of these people. I was in a friendship group I thought was very close, then I had to move for dh's work and they dropped me within days even though there were 6 months till the move. It was nothing personal, they just apparently didn't see the point in spending time with me any more. I learned to be flexible and not overinterpret friendliness.

In this case, however, your daughter has been hurt. My kids have been second-stringed by friends at times, and likewise I know there are children who have been second-stringed by one of my kids for one reason or other. Kids grow apart and that's ok, also it doesn't really work when adults try to force kids to stay friends with each other, but the kid who is left out does not have to keep on as if nothing happened - she is allowed to pull away and find other friends if she believes the other child is no longer very interested. In other words, these friends have every right to go on vacation together, but if your daughter feels the friendship between herself and the other girls was damaged by that, she's not necessarily wrong.

To be honest I have done this - the family that we didn't invite, their kids were often the cause of social problems amongst the other kids in the group and had in particular been niggling the other girls into some nasty behaviour towards one of my daughters. They also were incredibly fussy eaters so impossible to go anywhere for food other than a pizza shop and they wouldn't go to bed so it was impossible to have chill adult time in the evenings.

I know it sounds spiteful but I wanted to enjoy our holiday, wanted my kids to have a nice time, and our other friends felt the same. We did tell them we were doing it after we'd booked though and not keep it a secret. We've done other trips just with them and with the big group before and since.

I'm not saying this is why you haven't been invited of course! But perhaps there is something more at play here than the dynamic between the adults - are all your kids getting along alright at the moment?

Yes incomprehensible.????😂

Any update, OP? Hope your week has gone OK.

Thanks for asking. I've not seen the other two all week except for at the party which was a two minute drop off situation so nothing to report really. I've been getting lots of normal texts and memes from that mum, who is either a) just going about things normally, or b) trying to reconnect (although that might be me projecting). I've been responding normally but not instigating just to get a bit of space to think. Her dh went out to an event with my dh and some other guys in the week and he told dh how we should definitely come next time. A pity invite? Trying to make amends? Take at face value? Hard to know. Before all this i wouldn't have second guessed it but now I'm just a bit sad about it all and how it's affecting my judgement.

As for friend B (coffee invite), I might be seeing her today. I think if she talks about it and it feels right in the moment I'll tell her it did upset me and now I'm second guessing the nature of our friendships. I don't know if it'll make a difference but at least I'll have been honest.

Ehh. I had only just said to dh a few months ago how happy I was with life family, friendships, work etc, how fortunate I felt with my place in the world. This has thrown things off now and I'll need a bit of time to rebuild I think.

Actually, I've called off the coffee. So no further updates for now.

I couldn’t think of anything worse than going on holiday with another family, even if they are friends, so I’d be relieved, you might find OP if they keep it up they end up falling out! I don’t understand why a baby would be an issue on this situation - yes someone with their first baby, who might be a bit precious, but a third child baby is totally different! The baby has to fit in with older kids routine etc!

OP, only you know if saying anything would make you feel better. I can see why it’s been upsetting though 💐

Yeah a two week main holiday with another family no ways but 2-4 days somewhere kid focussed with like minded other families is fun.

Youve basically jinxed yourself op honestly everytime I’ve ever said anything like that (ooh how well everting is going) something then goes wrong!

I totally get you, op. They are pretty naive to think that this wasn't going to have to come out in the wash at some point. Maybe it's just something like there were only 2 cabins left, but even in such a scenario they should have spoken about it. The secrecy is horrible.

I don't blame you .

Am currently in my own situation of learning that I am a second class friend, and feeling like a fool. It's difficult to see past..

Except in this case, her friends do like her, felt guilty about it and have been trying to make up for it. Personally, not wanting a baby on holiday is fair enough and OP seems like hardwork, and being immature to throw away a good friendship. In saying that it seems like this is a dealbreaker for OP so then she probably should end the friendship but I think she will regret it in the future. There is so much projection on this thread, I would love to see a reverse of this and I think the responses would be completely different.

Bit unnecessary?! How is she hard work to feel hurt ? Where has she said she is ending the friendships? She is taking a bit of space i think ? If you read her posts carefully she is the one who brought these two together and feels excluded by the way they organized a holiday without including her !

But that's exactly my point. I have matched many friends together, it's not my right to then feel because I have introduced them I have to be included in any and all plans they make. I introduce people, because I like them and think they will like each other. I don't do it for some personal benefit. I think this is one of those situations where some will agree with the OP and some will not. Or at least see where the friends might be coming from. It feels very childish to me. I remember this myself as a child, when there were three and often one person got left out. I feel it's a very female thing!

Sorry I didn't answer you properly (tired!) she said her friends are trying hard, sending memes, friends husband said they should come next time, she's not really responding, she's now cancelled coffee. That's why I said hard work. In this situation I would then get annoyed at OP. I do appreciate we are all different and have different requirements of friends. I can see both points of view, and I would feel sad and disappointed myself if I was OP, but then if I thought about it, I'd understand it (even of it had annoyed me). But to me now OP is being quite immature and petty. Like I said though, we are all different and have different "boundaries".

friends husband said they should come next time, she's not really responding, she's now cancelled coffee. That's why I said hard work.

Actually disagree with you here. By the way the Friends husband spun it - was they couldn't make it this time - in actual fact they weren't even asked to go or told about the holiday. Bit harsh to state the Op is being hard work.

The friends know they fucked up and want the OP to row back in row - business as usual - They will probably spin the line - Oh we'd never do anything to hurt you - but the did and they know they did.

By their posting their usual memes and texts - they are trying to make it appear there's absolutely no need to mention the holiday - which is actually quite insulting to the op, they want her to bring it up first (If at all!).

I rather hoped that the mean girl/league table of friends thing was left behind at the school gates.

The OP is not doing anything immature or petty. What an unfair and ill-considered characterization!