Left out of a holiday with friends, help to move past it

[CallHerJohn]

This is pretty lame but I'm feeling a bit vulnerable so looking for advice.

I have two local friends, who have kids the same age as mine. We tend to meet up all together, have a group chat with the three of us, and the only reason we'd be without one of us is if the 3rd one is working or not around for some reason - generally we invite each other and/or our families when meeting up.

Last week the two other families went on holiday together. I only found out a few weeks ago after asking what one of their plans were over the Easter break. She sheepishly said her family were going away with the other family. I didn't really react, even though I was a bit hurt not to be asked. It's so silly isn't it? I'm a grown woman, but it feels like all those school days feelings of not being included have come right back.

We have a little baby (the other families have two dcs each), so maybe they thought we wouldn't be able to come or want to, but it would have been nice to be asked i guess? Or maybe they just didn't want us to come. Which hurts to think about.

I was ditched by my group of friends at the end of primary school (I never found out why), and ever since it's given me a bit of insecurity around relationships, so this plays right into my anxieties.

I will be seeing these friends regularly at the school gate, activities and socially (i hope?) and I guess I need to have some help to get over this and just move on so it doesn't affect the friendship. Like a mantra to tell myself? Or something?

this actually happened to me and I completely forgot until I read the update post about comforting your child. The odd thing is it was over 10 years ago and we are all still friends but the 2 families went on holidays together (without asking us) for a number of years and no longer really spend much time together. I think the best thing is to make sure you book a fun holiday for your family at place where you older children can meet new people and focus on what fun that was

I agree with others, it was probably because you have 3 and one of them is very small, still hurts though and not sure the right way to have played it, but it wasn’t this way and if it was a friend of mine I don’t think it would have entered my mind.
I think I’d start widening my social circle, if they ask I would say it did upset me we were not invited. Don’t hide what you feel, but say it calmly, cool and unemotionally.

See some new people.

Sorry to hear OP. Similar things trigger childhood memories for me too.

Try not to take it too personally, you don't know the reason. You sound like a lovely friend and they would be silly to throw your friendship away.

Keep meeting up with them if you enjoy their company. Perhaps just don't hold them as, pp said, "tier 1" friends. Definitely mention their holiday and say "oh, your trip away looked great. If you go again we would love to join!" and then see what they say. I would think they would say something then why they went by themselves. It may not be a big reason, perhaps they had talked about it before and then two chalets came up?
Sometimes people get closer for a while in a friendship group and do more things together in pairs or whatever. I've learnt this now, and take it all in my stride. Of course it's never nice to feele excluded but it happens. Open up your friendship groups, through schools you will meet so many other mums/dads/carers too.

It's definitely the deception that is an issue, they know they have acted shitty by their behaviours

Haven’t RTFT but have read all your responses. Is it possible that the other two are abit closer with each other and you hadn’t realised? It doesn’t invalidate the friendship the 3 of you have but does theirs predate, or is it possible they do things with each other that you’re not aware of? Or as others have said is there a couples dynamic you’re not aware of.

I was in that situation, it was hard not to take it personally though. I’ve also been on the other side, been part of a group where someone else didn’t know the others as well as they knew each other, so was upset if there was ever anything they were not to be invited to.

They’ve kept it secret to protect your feelings/not known how to broach it, I would be taking a step back now because even if it wasn’t ill intentioned at all, you will struggle to trust them not, you’ll feel insecure and paranoid.

Excellent reply.

I can see why this hurt your feelings, OP. Similar has happened to me, although I do think it's good to have friends who can handle things like this without getting overly upset and dramatic as it's freeing for everyone. It's tricky as I wouldn't want people to feel obliged to invite me to things to avoid me getting upset. I only want to be invited if people genuinely want me to come, so my instinct would be not to say anything as this might make them feel pressured in future. You might ask something like, 'How did the holiday come about?' in a non-accusatory tone. That might at least give you more intel. Maybe there were only two cabins or something. Or you can just not react, but know that you are free to invite only one of them or neither of them to something if that's your preference in future. If anything, it relieves you from any pressure to consider their feelings on such matters. Sorry your feelings are hurt.

This is a good point, and a solid reason not to raise the issue. You don't want a pity invitation.

I only want to be invited if people genuinely want me to come, so my instinct would be not to say anything as this might make them feel pressured in future.

I think you just ignore it. It doesn't mean your feelings aren't hurt, but expressing anything to the others really makes it too dramatic no matter how you slice it. It's always hard when you think you've got your tribe and find out things aren't as tight as you thought or want. Maybe find some meet up groups or activities with children same age as yours to socialize with now. Focus on your family as your first priority for spending time, friends get leftovers. 🤷‍♀️

"I've just said to them that we don't always have to do everything together, but yeah it is a bit rough isn't it. Not sure if that's the best approach but it feels most natural to me"

I think you need to accept this. Just as you have asked your DC to. Sorry op. It's probably not personal. Try to listen to your own good advice.

Op, your post made me sad. Firstly those closest to you have not decided you're not worth it - well a few 11 year olds way back notwithstanding.. This group may have all sorts of reasons but you not being worth it, isn't it - try not to let this holiday erode your own sense of self worth. I'm in a similar-ish dynamic, 3 women are friends, two of the dads are friends but my husband is only friends with one of them and as a result those two families have been away camping a few times. Part of me has felt a little hurt not to be invited but I just accept that no one is forced to go on holiday with me and I don't let it affect our friendship.
I hope you feel ok but what happened at the age of 11 is no reflection on adult you.

That's the reason I take friends from work, school etc as come and go but have some close friends who mean a lot, forever. Don't take it personally, it's almost always about situations and the easier option in life! X

Ita not personal at all, please don't project into your DD or she will grow up with similar (unnecessary) insecurities.

I was thinking the same thing, that message is intended to illicit guilt and your friends have every right not to go on holiday with you for whatever reason they choose. (Or is this a holiday you do every year as a threesome or something, and have done so forever?) However, if it does upset you so much perhaps it is best to 'phase out' the friendship, as there are likely to be more occasions like this and any relationship should be a positive one overall. And if you do go a bit funny after this, then it's likely they will phase you out, I feel their guilt will turn to anger. Only you know these people though and the background. Have a stop and think. Good luck

I think while it may be tough to hear whatever the answer would be here, you should ask them why they went on the holiday without letting you know.

You could ask in a light tone, say like how was the trip you went with XYZ, hope you guys had fun…. and with a big smile add, interesting that you didn’t add me to the invite (or something along those lines). Basically ask in a light way and definitely ask either ways.

You owe it to yourself to ask and they owe it to you to be asked. For me it’s about getting what you want from your relationships/friendships. And reading all your messages, I think knowing why is what you want.

I’d say take some time (if you have a few days to take, take it and if you don’t as you mentioned a party, take whatever time you have to psyche yourself up, give yourself a mini pep talk of you are wanted and if they don’t want you, it’s on them and not you, you need to know why and your priority is your needs etc. Also prepare yourself for a negative answer or one that would make you feel sad. Plan for a way to walk away if you get a negative answer, maybe a fake call comes in to your phone, lol.

After these, ask them why. You really should.

I wouldn’t say anything. Instead I would branch out a bit more and arrange some family days out somewhere amazing with my kids and another family and then tell them about it. I have experienced similar things before and honestly the truth is that people will put you in a particular ‘’bucket’’ eg I am less sporty so I am not invited to certain get togethers that are particularly active (I would like to be asked). I have decided to just ignore it and let them get on with it. It’s much worse to force yourself in.

I think it’s great you all hang around together and your children all get on so well.
However I do find it a little possessive that they can’t do stuff without you… I’m part of a 3 friendship and I often do stuff with one of the friends and not the other, and I know they both meet up without me too..
I think on this occasion it will be because of the baby, not maliciously but a baby does restrict the group and you have to be back for feeding times and nap times etc which is so restrictive if you have older kids that are more spontaneous… I don’t think I would want to holiday with a baby/toddler now that my daughter is past all that.. but it also depends on the type of holiday…. If it’s centre parcs or something similar where you’re all off cycling, swimming, climbing etc then it wouldn’t be much fun for you with a baby…. But if it’s more of a sit back and watch shows type of holiday then I don’t suppose a baby in a buggy sleeping would make too much difference …
Either way I’d just ask them if they had a nice time and possibly just drop into the conversation in a joking manner that “you kept that one secret’ … they’ll probably say they didn’t think you’d want to go with new baby and didn’t want to rub your nose in it….

No.

Don't beg. They probably won't be truthful and you'll look extremely needy.

Agree Zelda sorry Bosman that’s terrible advice. Asking in a “light tone” doesn’t neutralise what you’re saying you just sound extremely passive aggressive, Honestly no point mentioning it they will like anyway and you will be put in the “too difficult “ box and phased our.

I think for your own wellbeing you have only two options; either ask them or stop worrying about it.
You can talk about it with a million different people, but they are not them so nobody else can tell you their reasons.
Cutting of the friendships over this without knowing what really happened is robbing yourself from friends and especially your kids too, as they all get on so well.
Taking some time apart will eventually give them a reason to leave you out.
I do understand why you would do so, and I also think, for me, it would be the fear of asking as it is so confrontational.
But as this bothers you so much there might be no other option. Good friends will hear you out with respect, right?
And the time after having a baby leaves almost any woman feeling insecure a bit quicker than usual, you might even find they understand your feelings and it deepens your friendship.
As long as you speak from yourself and your feelings and not imply any ill intentions on their side.
I would hope for you, and myself in situations similar to this, this is how it would go; have a glass together, carefully find your moment, show your vulnerability, chuckle, cry a bit, and get a big hug from your friend(s) 😘

Try not to worry! I do think it's hurtful that they didn't mention it to you. - I hope it was because they didn't want to upset you and make you feel left out, but I honestly think it will be because of you having a young baby and it changing the dynamics.

Be brave and be yourself. Rise above it and take it at face value, they wanted a baby-free holiday. You can continue to spend time with them and this needn't spoil your friendship.

However, work on building bonds with those friends who have babies the same age as your baby too. This will help you too.

My Mum always used to harp on about friends being there for a reason, a season or a lifetime and she's so right. I tell my kids the same!

I thought I was being constructive by being realistic . Your friends sound like nice people and if you are their friend, I would hope you would understand that they might be past the baby holiday phase knowing it's nothing personal.
You could ask them why you weren't invited, although I'm not sure what that would achieve as you said they already feel guilty unless you just want to make them feel (more) bad. Next time they might invite you out of obligation or because they missed your company and genuinely want you to come, you'll never know if you ask. Maybe they won't care depending on how you act now and you won't be invited to any trips again. Maybe they'll feel really terrible and make sure not to upset you again. I really don't know. There's a limited amount of outcomes in this situation.
I would struggle to be friends with someone if I had to be worried about upsetting them and felt like I had to include them even in everything (plus it's not always practical!) Most of us do think of other people, but also for things like holidays also want to put ourselves first! I'd say this is why your friends feel guilty because they feel conflicted.
Friendships change depending on all sorts of things and I get why you're upset, but I can see it from their point of view too.
I would take a few days to wallow about it, then get over it and plan something fun for all of you when they get back.
Hopefully that's constructive enough for you! 🙂

Do you know this was preplanned together? Maybe one booked, mentioned to the other and the other family invited themselves and booked the last available cabin?
I do think the baby situation could be an issue. You said there was no nightlife, just drinks and dinners cooked (the babies needs would affect this, noise etc)
Potentially it could be a husband miss match? Does your husband speak to the others outside of the group..did he know they were going and opted out without telling you even?

OP,

I think most people can imagine your hurt, particularly as this has been triggering.

The wise and hard thing to do is to look hard at these people and how much you enjoy their company?

How much you will miss their company?

Doing something that will make the coming years difficult for YOU and your children would be such an own goal.

What they did wasn't kind but it may be that they are a bit dim and lack emotional intelligence.

You sound like a nice woman and it would be awful for you to say in a years time that you wished you had managed your upset better and not taken action that made YOUR life harder.

I think this could be a wake up call to branch out further locally and invest more in other friendships.

Many many people experience a version of this, but the wise thing to do is to come out on top of the situation by acknowledging your hurt but determined to not give them this power.

They may well think you are possibly going to be upset.

Surprise them!

Be breazy, not needy.

You cannot change what has occurred.

Your focus needs to be the best outcome for YOU for the long years ahead in primary.

They drag if you have difficult with parents, so avoid at all cost putting yourself in that situation.

Take control and have a friendship on your terms.

Invest in others and making new connections.

I think you could well look back on this situation as a very positive one.

Knowledge is power.

I agree with you. I don't understand the view that whatever other people want to do is always OK, and you should never ever tell them if their actions have upset or offended you. It seems a very weak and timid approach to me which over time will erode self respect.
I value my friends, but not at any price. And if the price of keeping them happy is to remain silent and pretend to be fine when I'm not, then that feels like too much to pay. I want relationships that are authentic and if that means rocking the boat occasionally by speaking up, well, rather that than pretence and secret resentment.
Its irrelevant whether other people find the friends actions reasonable. It's the OPs friendship and she doesn't, so has every right to voice that.