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Original poster

DH moving out

185 replies

Kelliesmile · 24/04/2023 01:32

Dont really know what answers i will get but i feel so alone right now.
A bit of background incase you haven't seen any of my previous posts.
DH quit his job before Christmas (which is nothing new he quits jobs alot) and has been a lazy so and so ever since. I've been picking up overtime just to pay the bills, rent etc and I am absolutely shattered. Then to come home to a messy house just makes my blood boil which then makes me start moaning! (I have tried to ignore it and say nothing also)
For the last 3 weeks I've been telling him how unhappy I am and that I feel things are not working, he said he will make more effort but he hasn't.
Today we got into another row over the same old stuff (crisps and chocolate wrappers left on the settee, pots in the sink when there wasnt any when i left, tea and milk spilt all over the side etc)
So another row and he came into my face called me a F@#%*!g c@%& and said he hated me!
I said if that's how he felt then he needed to pack some stuff and go.
He made a call then said he was leaving tomorrow, taking all his things and never wants to see me ever again. I instantly felt a huge relief and even went to the corner shop and got some boxes for him.
As the evening went on we were civil, although he was saying its my fault because I nag all the time but I just ignored him.
Before I came to bed 3 hours ago, he said I had 24 hours to sort my shit out and ask to talk and he would stay.
WTF is that about 🤷‍♀️ so for the last 3 hours I've been in bed with a huge mix of emotions and I have to be up in 5 hours for yet another day of work.
I know us splitting is the right thing to do in the long run cause clearly neither of us are happy but it still hurts. I'm not perfect, but I will put my hands up amd accept some responsibility for this marriage break down where he is just passing the blame.
Hes already took his ring off, changed his fb status to single and told his family and friends its over.
So why say ive 24 hours to change and chat?
Any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:
Weatherwax13 · 24/04/2023 01:41

I know us splitting is the right thing to do in the long run cause clearly neither of us are happy

You have your answer here OP. He won't change and all this horrible, manipulative behaviour is designed to make you feel guilty. If he gave a shit he would've upped his game when you first told him you'd had enough: or better still not been a lazy, selfish sod in the first place. You'll be so much happier without him. Don't give in to his bullying.

Pbubz · 24/04/2023 01:42

Do you own or rent? If it were me I would be making sure he was gone within 24 hours, not s chance would I be trying to "change his mind". Sounds like he's really immature and who the hell leaves food wrappers in the sofa? How old is he? Sounds like a teenager!

Honestly you can do better, he's made his bed, sounds like he's made his mind up and has made it public you've broken up, so why would you do anything but leave him now?

Sounds like a horrible situation and I'm sorry you're going through it but if you're initial reaction was relief I think that says all you need to know.

PotKettel · 24/04/2023 01:45

It sounds very painful I’m sorry op. Make sure you take half of the content of joint bank accounts, or I might indeed take the whole lot and then pay him an allowance as I doubt he’ll contribute to rent or mortgage once he’s gone.

Original poster
Kelliesmile · 24/04/2023 01:49

Luckly its a rented property and all in my name only.
And hes 44 believe it or not

OP posts:
BurntOutGirl · 24/04/2023 01:57

He's graciously granted you 24hrs as he never thought you'd actually agree that you should split and now he's back peddling.

But... nothing will change if he stays... he's proved that over and over by being lazy and disrespectful.

Stay strong and ask him to leave.

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/04/2023 02:27

"Before I came to bed 3 hours ago, he said I had 24 hours to sort my shit out and ask to talk and he would stay. WTF is that about"
He was so cocksure that he had you where he wanted you - so sure that when you said "if that's how he felt then he needed to pack some stuff and go" that you were bluffing - so sure that when he "made a call then said he was leaving tomorrow" - that he was calling your bluff. He actually thought that when he said he was leaving that you would crumble and beg him to stay. He was THAT sure of himself.

But you didn't beg him to stay. Instead, you went and got some boxes for him to pack his stuff into. He didn't expect that. He really didn't expect that! He's still hoping that you're bluffing, and will fall to your knees wailing, begging, stopping him from leaving. He cannot comprehend that huge wave of relief that you felt, that the idea that you'd never see him again was actually very welcome to you.

He's not got the spine to say that he wants to stay. He's wrapped up in some image of himself as some sort of Alpha Male, calling all the shots, having the Little Woman run around facilitating his every whim. You've put up with his shit for so long he doesn't see that he's pushed his luck too far and you'd now rather be shot of him. So he's rewriting it all inside his head, that this is a choice he's making but he'll relent if you're apologetic enough. What an absolute wanker he is!

Make sure you get the keys off him before he takes his boxes elsewhere, or change the locks once he's out. Remember that feeling of relief when he said he was going, just in case he decides to change tack and plead to stay. You need him gone.

Soonenough · 24/04/2023 03:34

@Kelliesmile .I love that you went and got him boxes !!

Aquamarine1029 · 24/04/2023 03:43

You'd have to be mad to stay with this loser.

SunflowerTed · 24/04/2023 03:47

Stick to your guns! He is lazy and entitled ! What are you getting from this relationship? Glad he has taken his ring off - it saves you asking him to!! Make sure he gets all his shit into his boxes on the way out !!!!!

Summer2424 · 24/04/2023 04:01

Hi @Kelliesmile from the sounds of it he doesn't want to split up. Taking the ring off, changing his fb status and telling his family is just him being dramatic and seeking attention from you x

suburbophobe · 24/04/2023 04:04

DH quit his job before Christmas (which is nothing new he quits jobs alot) and has been a lazy so and so ever since. I've been picking up overtime just to pay the bills, rent etc and I am absolutely shattered. Then to come home to a messy house just makes my blood boil

Yea. Lazy fuck. Be glad to be rid of him. He's the proverbial cock-lodger.

He quit his job BEFORE Christmas? We're almost in May!

God girl! You can do better than this!

And don't let him back into your life. He adds nothing to it.

suburbophobe · 24/04/2023 04:28

he said I had 24 hours to sort my shit out and ask to talk and he would stay.

LOL. He's got nowhere to go. DO NOT fall for it.

Hes already took his ring off, changed his fb status to single and told his family and friends its over.

What a fucking drama queen.

GIRL! Stick to your guns and follow on through. He will never be what you are looking for in life. You deserve so much better.

crisps and chocolate wrappers left on the settee, pots in the sink when there wasnt any when i left, tea and milk spilt all over the side etc

I had 24 hours to sort my shit out HA! Good one. Can't even sort out his own. Job-wise, flat-cleaning wise.

Ugh. He sounds disgusting. No respect for his surroundings, or you. I couldn't even want to have sex with a man like that personally. I'd be wondering about his personal hygiene too......

He love-bombed you to get you to marry him. Thinking that was it and his job was done. HA! The scales have fallen from your eyes now.

Maybe some counselling why you put up with such a massive shit. I'm only saying it cos I've been where you are. Honestly, life on the other side is so much better.

You sound lovely by the way.

suburbophobe · 24/04/2023 04:33

from the sounds of it he doesn't want to split up

Of course not! He's got it made!

Would bet money that he's perfected the art of getting women loved up and using and abusing them.

From the threads on here there's plenty of them around.

what happened to 21st century men?!

I despair.

Ywudu · 24/04/2023 04:47

He is so sure you won't finish it and will beg him to stay.
He has zero respect for you.
I don't think he'll leave easily but stick to your guns he sounds vile. Have you got anyone who can be with you and makes sure he leaves and is not abusive?

Zanatdy · 24/04/2023 05:51

Don’t back down. He clearly doesn’t want to go but is too much of an idiot to apologise and admit he’s to blame. So he’s trying to push it on you. Do nothing. Let him go. If you give the marriage another chance you’ll only be back here in another few months in the same place. Time for you both to move on

Flatandhappy · 24/04/2023 06:08

He wants you to beg him to stay at which point he will “graciously” agree, then go back to his slobbish selfish ways and in his mind it is all on you. Single parenting is tough, doing it all on your own with a selfish tosser who does nothing to help is even harder. Good luck.

Eviebeans · 24/04/2023 06:12

He’s told his friends and family he’s leaving and they’ve said “oh are you sure that’s such a great idea who else is gonna put up with your shit cos you can’t come here”
so now he’s realised which side the bread is buttered but even now can’t bring himself to apologise

EllandRd · 24/04/2023 06:23

Kelliesmile · 24/04/2023 01:49

Luckly its a rented property and all in my name only.
And hes 44 believe it or not

Laugh in his face and tell him there's nothing you need to say. He is a lazy slob, you deserve so much better. Let him move out and be glad he is someone else's problem now.

GoodChat · 24/04/2023 06:25

He's done the big dramatic announcements in the hope that someone will talk you round.

The 24 hour thing is to keep you on edge.

Tell him you don't need 24 hours and he should leave before you're home from work.

HRTeatime · 24/04/2023 06:25

Wow, you have to hand it to him, he’s seriously fucking arrogant. YOU have 24 hours to sort your shit out?? Which shit is the that? The shit where you do every bloody thing for him, or the shit where you are the one keeping you both fed, warm and housed by working your ass off? Because of course, it’s not him at all that needs to seriously sort his shit out. Oh no🙄

Well done op. I’m loving the fact you went and got him boxes. I bet he really started panicking then. There he was thinking you would put up with his lazy, selfish ways forever, sure you would beg him to not go, and you popped off to get some boxes. I can just imagine him trying to figure out how he was going to save face, make you feel it was all your fault, and get to stay in your home with you running around doing everything for him.

Your life will be infinitely better without this deadweight in it.

Takeitonthechin · 24/04/2023 06:43

My reply would be, I've nothing left to say other than, "please leave now"

Abacusporttaco · 24/04/2023 06:44

Hes already took his ring off, changed his fb status to single and told his family and friends its over.

He is a pathetic heap of shit. Jesus Christ. Make him go and be someone else’s burden, you deserve to be free of his shit x

WilkinsonM · 24/04/2023 06:47

When he said he was going you felt relieved. He's expecting you to grovel and beg for him to stay. Make sure he goes!

BelleSauvage9 · 24/04/2023 06:50

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/04/2023 02:27

"Before I came to bed 3 hours ago, he said I had 24 hours to sort my shit out and ask to talk and he would stay. WTF is that about"
He was so cocksure that he had you where he wanted you - so sure that when you said "if that's how he felt then he needed to pack some stuff and go" that you were bluffing - so sure that when he "made a call then said he was leaving tomorrow" - that he was calling your bluff. He actually thought that when he said he was leaving that you would crumble and beg him to stay. He was THAT sure of himself.

But you didn't beg him to stay. Instead, you went and got some boxes for him to pack his stuff into. He didn't expect that. He really didn't expect that! He's still hoping that you're bluffing, and will fall to your knees wailing, begging, stopping him from leaving. He cannot comprehend that huge wave of relief that you felt, that the idea that you'd never see him again was actually very welcome to you.

He's not got the spine to say that he wants to stay. He's wrapped up in some image of himself as some sort of Alpha Male, calling all the shots, having the Little Woman run around facilitating his every whim. You've put up with his shit for so long he doesn't see that he's pushed his luck too far and you'd now rather be shot of him. So he's rewriting it all inside his head, that this is a choice he's making but he'll relent if you're apologetic enough. What an absolute wanker he is!

Make sure you get the keys off him before he takes his boxes elsewhere, or change the locks once he's out. Remember that feeling of relief when he said he was going, just in case he decides to change tack and plead to stay. You need him gone.

This!

barmycatmum · 24/04/2023 06:51

“Immediately I felt a huge relief” this is your truth right here, OP.

hang onto it.

no matter what emotional whiplash and mourning process comes afterward (and it will, because there’s lots to unpack when something ends), that immediate flash of relief you felt is your deepest truth.

when my ex broke it off with me, I had someone ask me what was my first feeling. And it was that- a HUGE flash of relief just flooded through my body.
this friend of mine said “that was the truth, hang onto it,” and that held me together through all the crap that came after - him trying to come back, etc.

so I’m passing this wisdom on to you. Do NOT forget that relief. Even when you have down and heavy feeling days.

wishing you all the best. I am so glad for you that he is getting out of your life.

he is trying to backpedal in such immature ways, I’m glad you’re not falling for it. What a toddler he’s acting like.

you don’t need to carry a person like this through life- and make no mistake, you’d be carrying him until he drained all your energy.

Hope he leaves soon!