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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH moving out

185 replies

Kelliesmile · 24/04/2023 01:32

Dont really know what answers i will get but i feel so alone right now.
A bit of background incase you haven't seen any of my previous posts.
DH quit his job before Christmas (which is nothing new he quits jobs alot) and has been a lazy so and so ever since. I've been picking up overtime just to pay the bills, rent etc and I am absolutely shattered. Then to come home to a messy house just makes my blood boil which then makes me start moaning! (I have tried to ignore it and say nothing also)
For the last 3 weeks I've been telling him how unhappy I am and that I feel things are not working, he said he will make more effort but he hasn't.
Today we got into another row over the same old stuff (crisps and chocolate wrappers left on the settee, pots in the sink when there wasnt any when i left, tea and milk spilt all over the side etc)
So another row and he came into my face called me a F@#%*!g c@%& and said he hated me!
I said if that's how he felt then he needed to pack some stuff and go.
He made a call then said he was leaving tomorrow, taking all his things and never wants to see me ever again. I instantly felt a huge relief and even went to the corner shop and got some boxes for him.
As the evening went on we were civil, although he was saying its my fault because I nag all the time but I just ignored him.
Before I came to bed 3 hours ago, he said I had 24 hours to sort my shit out and ask to talk and he would stay.
WTF is that about 🤷‍♀️ so for the last 3 hours I've been in bed with a huge mix of emotions and I have to be up in 5 hours for yet another day of work.
I know us splitting is the right thing to do in the long run cause clearly neither of us are happy but it still hurts. I'm not perfect, but I will put my hands up amd accept some responsibility for this marriage break down where he is just passing the blame.
Hes already took his ring off, changed his fb status to single and told his family and friends its over.
So why say ive 24 hours to change and chat?
Any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:
GoodChat · 24/04/2023 18:45

billy1966 · 24/04/2023 18:32

He's a loser OP, always was always will be.

Call the police and get him out of YOUR home.

He despises you, but is prepared to use you for as long as you are prepared to be a mug.

Get him out.

Call the police to have him removed.

You deserve better.

She can't just expect the police to come straight out and get rid of him.

He might not be on the tenancy but he clearly still lives there and isn't doing anything illegal.

Daleksatemyshed · 24/04/2023 18:51

On a practical level Op, if you really want him to leave you need to make his life far less comfortable and make it harder for him to stay. Don't do his laundry or cook for him, any bills you're paying should be in your name incase he tries to be difficult about taking his name off. I'd speak to your LL and make it clear you'll be his only tenant incase your DH tries to get his name added to the tenancy agreement. If he turns nasty when he realises you don't want him to stay then call the Police and log his behaviour.
I know I sound rather heartless here but I hate seeing a woman being taken for a mug and he really is taking the piss.

Twazique · 24/04/2023 18:51

I think the OP said its in her name, so he has no right to be there.

Twazique · 24/04/2023 18:52

The OP doesn't have to put up with aggressive or dangerous behaviour.

GoodChat · 24/04/2023 19:01

Twazique · 24/04/2023 18:51

I think the OP said its in her name, so he has no right to be there.

That doesn't mean the police will turn up and remove him immediately

pheonixrebirth · 24/04/2023 19:33

My ex pulled the same stunt, and with all the same cocklodging behaviour as well.
After another argument about him smoking weed. 🤦‍♀️ He said he'd had enough and he was off.

Very much like you OP my first feeling was of absolute relief. I was very aware that if I looked a little too ok with his decision that he might see his arse and try to stay, so I put on a bit of an act of looking a upset and quiet. That seemed to bolster his ego and that I was "losing" him!

I even dropped him off at his friends house, all the way there him telling me he didn't want to do this but I pushed him to far. I actually felt a bit sorry for the sad, deluded man child.
As soon as he shut the car door I sped off and didn't even glance in the rear view mirror. It took less than 24 hours before the texts started.

It's been 2 years now and my home has never been more calm, clean, tidy and above all peaceful.
I hope you get your peaceful haven OP. Flowers

TicTac80 · 24/04/2023 19:35

I really hope he has gone now!! Good luck OP x

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 24/04/2023 19:35

Of course he's still there, he's realised his gravy train is leaving the station without him.

Give him a time frame to leave, if he's not gone phone the police and have him removed

ttcat37 · 24/04/2023 19:47

GoodChat · 24/04/2023 18:45

She can't just expect the police to come straight out and get rid of him.

He might not be on the tenancy but he clearly still lives there and isn't doing anything illegal.

Show quote history

The threshold is actually really low for a quick police response in these circumstances

carly2803 · 24/04/2023 20:02

get rid op!! be firm!

hes trying it on- he will promise you the world when you get home and promise to change etc

dont fall for it!

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 24/04/2023 20:06

Drinking is a bad sign. No intention of behaving decently. He'll use it to get angry and nasty or maudlin and sad. Both are manipulation. The only decent thing to do would be a sober mature conversation where he acknowledges what a shit he is, and even then what does it matter. Actions always speak louder than words. Does he have anywhere to go? If he does, take him there and drop him off.

Justalittlebitduckling · 24/04/2023 20:35

he said I had 24 hours to sort my shit out and ask to talk and he would stay.

It sounds like it’s him who needs to sort his shit out: leaving wrappers on the sofa and immediately changing his fb status! Sounds like he has the emotional maturity of a teenager. And now expecting you to change your mind and beg for him to stay.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 24/04/2023 20:40

Golly he has got a nerve.
Good advice above, call the Police if you have to.
Good luck, and here's to a furniture without this dead weight. X

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 24/04/2023 20:40

Stay firm OP, he's trying to play the game and cause you to back down.

PrincessW11 · 24/04/2023 20:45

Adios loser!
Stick to your guns, he needs to get out for good
You can see right through his stupid mind games

Louoby · 24/04/2023 20:47

He was calling your bluff obviously! Tell him to leave tonight, then call a locksmith and get the locks changed!

Gettingbysomehow · 24/04/2023 23:40

You need to tell him you are not interested in talking and that he needs to get out asap.
He is having last minute doubts because he doesn't want to lose his easy parasitic life.
I was married to one of those and now he is gone my life is 100% better.
Be strong and get rid.

k1233 · 25/04/2023 01:39

He's learning a very important lesson on ultimatums. Don't give one unless you are happy to live with the consequences.

DFWM · 25/04/2023 02:18

Your H is a lazy man child. He is trying to project the guilt/shame onto you, don't let him! Stick to your guns, you stated yourself you know that splitting up is the right thing to do!

Good luck!

OhwhyOY · 25/04/2023 02:37

OP if he's sponging off you he's obviously not going to want to go. If the tenancy of the flat is in your name only I'd put in writing to him eg via email that he's not welcome and needs to leave. Then if he still won't go in a couple of weeks or gets aggressive etc you can get the police involved and show reasonable notice was given. Hope you can resolve the situation without resorting to those tactics though, is there anyone else you can get involved to encourage him to leave even if you tell him it's temporary initially? Eg his parents?

TreadLightly3 · 25/04/2023 03:54

What a nightmare @Kelliesmile but you know you can do this. Wishing you all the best for your much lighter life to come! Xx

Thepossibility · 25/04/2023 04:07

I hope you manage to get rid of the leech, don't back down!

Matchymatchylemonscratchy · 25/04/2023 04:55

Stand firm. Tell him you don’t want him back. Tell him he needs to leave immediately. Always remember that feeling of relief. Ask the landlord for permission to change the locks at your expense.

coffeestrongblacknosugar · 25/04/2023 05:24

Yuk, what a loser he is.

I hope you have got rid of him now.

autienotnaught · 25/04/2023 05:43

He doesn't want to leave he likes living in your house and being waited on whilst not working. He threatened to leave to try and stop you 'nagging' him. It backfired and now he's trying to say he will stay if you sort yourself out. I had similar and my ex left to stay at his mums to 'teach me a lesson' . He figured he would have a few weeks being looked after at his mums while I struggled alone. Unfortunately fir him I realised life was a lot easier with out him! So I changed the locks and moved on. I would get him out, even say it's temporary if he's resisting. Be careful too if you are worried about your safety ask someone to help. Don't be fooled if he turns on the charm, gets a job, starts cleaning the house. It will all change back the minute he gets comfortable.