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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH moving out

185 replies

Kelliesmile · 24/04/2023 01:32

Dont really know what answers i will get but i feel so alone right now.
A bit of background incase you haven't seen any of my previous posts.
DH quit his job before Christmas (which is nothing new he quits jobs alot) and has been a lazy so and so ever since. I've been picking up overtime just to pay the bills, rent etc and I am absolutely shattered. Then to come home to a messy house just makes my blood boil which then makes me start moaning! (I have tried to ignore it and say nothing also)
For the last 3 weeks I've been telling him how unhappy I am and that I feel things are not working, he said he will make more effort but he hasn't.
Today we got into another row over the same old stuff (crisps and chocolate wrappers left on the settee, pots in the sink when there wasnt any when i left, tea and milk spilt all over the side etc)
So another row and he came into my face called me a F@#%*!g c@%& and said he hated me!
I said if that's how he felt then he needed to pack some stuff and go.
He made a call then said he was leaving tomorrow, taking all his things and never wants to see me ever again. I instantly felt a huge relief and even went to the corner shop and got some boxes for him.
As the evening went on we were civil, although he was saying its my fault because I nag all the time but I just ignored him.
Before I came to bed 3 hours ago, he said I had 24 hours to sort my shit out and ask to talk and he would stay.
WTF is that about 🤷‍♀️ so for the last 3 hours I've been in bed with a huge mix of emotions and I have to be up in 5 hours for yet another day of work.
I know us splitting is the right thing to do in the long run cause clearly neither of us are happy but it still hurts. I'm not perfect, but I will put my hands up amd accept some responsibility for this marriage break down where he is just passing the blame.
Hes already took his ring off, changed his fb status to single and told his family and friends its over.
So why say ive 24 hours to change and chat?
Any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:
greyhairnomore · 24/04/2023 11:43

24 hours ? Fuck that. You'll be glad he's gone he sounds bloody awful

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 24/04/2023 12:39

You'll be lucky if you get him out that easily, be prepared for some weapons grade emotional manipulation coming your way.
Its absolutely the right thing for you, he is using you, treating you like dirt, and has no respect for you. Being on your own is much much better than that.

namechangeasparanoid · 24/04/2023 14:07

It sounds like his shit not yours. Get rid.

Oldnproud · 24/04/2023 15:45

Good luck. Hold your ground and make him leave asap. The relief you felt was proof enough that you would be much happier without him in the long run.

readbooksdrinktea · 24/04/2023 15:50

Popetthetreehugger · 24/04/2023 07:34

Please take any important papers or sentimental things with you to work . That flash of relief was the real deal . Onward and upwards x

This, OP. Don't back down. He sounds like an immature idiot, frankly.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 24/04/2023 15:55

44 and in Facebook 👀👁️ seriously 😒

Kisskiss · 24/04/2023 16:05

The manipulative DH ( not darling husband)
he’s the one who better think hard and be ready to come to you grovelling in under 24h. Read your post back, he sounds completely ridiculous and treats you shabbily and with no respect! You’re well rid of him and it’s great that he’s the one saying he’ll move out!! Good riddance to bad rubbish and hopefully he doesn’t change his mind…

Kelliesmile · 24/04/2023 17:23

Thankyou everyone for your messages
Update:
I'm home from work and he's still here 😡
Drinking vodka and wants to talk! I've told him no and he needs to be gone before I get back. So I'm now at the gym when I had no intention of coming tonight after having so little sleep 😴
This is not going to be as straightforward as I thought

OP posts:
euff · 24/04/2023 17:32

I guess no signs of him packing anything?

Daleksatemyshed · 24/04/2023 17:37

So now he's really feeling sorry for himself, no one more full of self pity than someone drunk. It will be anger or tears later Op so be prepared.

Isheabastard · 24/04/2023 17:55

Your only hope might be to be really stroppy with him and maybe his half drunk self will have another temper tantrum and storm off.

Id start working out how to barricade the doors if he does remember not to fling his keys at you on the way up. So play up the drama all the way.

Im separated and my Stbxh just can’t help himself having a knee jerk stroppy moment every time I don’t acquiesce to his wishes. He then thinks better of it and sends an apology or excuse after.

Beaverbridge · 24/04/2023 18:02

Nothing to talk about. You've called his bluff and he's shitting himself!. Stand strong lovely.

perfectcolourfound · 24/04/2023 18:04

Your DH is lazy, selfish, uncaring, disrespectful and a whole lot more. He's an idiot for just quitting a job, but at the very least he should be doing the lion's share of the housework and cooking so that he's pulling his weight. To expect you still to do that is appalling, in fact unbelievable. And worse than that - he's actively leaving the house in a mess like a (badly behaved) teenager.... so you're picking up his post and mess when you get in from work.

You've been remarkably patient. I wouldn't have been able to stand that for a day. Why does he think you should do all the work - paid and otherwise? Why does he think he can sit around doing nothing and it's your job to serve him? Why does he think he can quit a paid job and not bother to find another?

he's been taking the p*ss for a long time. I'm sorry to say he has no love or respect for you, or he wouldn't treat you so dreadfully.

And you've now seen the light and told him to go. And he's realised his charmed life is at risk. If he leaves, he'll have to find a job, someone to do his washing and cooking and cleaning. He's lazy and doesn't want that effort, so he needs to reel you back in and ensure he keeps his feet under the table with you.

His entitlement and arrogance is so bad that he doesn't say 'I'm so sorry, I've been an idiot, would you reconsider me staying?' (even then the only sensible answer would no 'No!'. Instead he turns it around as though he's doing YOU a favour by giving you time to apologise to him and beg him to stay.

He's ridiculous as well as lazy and selfish. The man's a complete arse. You will be SO much better off without him. Your life will be easier. One less person to clean up after and earn money for. Imagine coming home to a tidy house every day! One less person treating you like an idiot. You can get rid of the resentment that must be building in you. You don't have to be a servant to an ungrateful, entitlement idiot of a man.

He is saying these things now because HE needs you 1000 times more than YOU need him. You are perfectly self-sufficient - you earn, you clean, you cook, you manage. He is a burden to you in fact. Your life will be loads better without him in it. Whereas his life will be alot harder without you - because he'll have to start acting like an adult and not an entitled 13 year old.

Stand your ground. You know - your gut knows - that you need ot get rid of him. He brings nothing good to your life, and a whole lot of work and resentment. You deserve better. Stay strong. Seek help IRL and on here. A better life is just around the corner!

Blondewithredlips · 24/04/2023 18:13

You need to get rid of this cocklodger ASAP.

Wfhandbored · 24/04/2023 18:16

What an absolutely arse. Praying he's gone when you get home! Please keep us posted

Downtogetdown · 24/04/2023 18:21

Hope you have better luck when you get home and he’s gone 🤞 he sounds like he brings no joy to your life-just upset and expense.

barbrahunter · 24/04/2023 18:26

I can't imagine that he'll be gone when Op gets home. I think that, unfortunately OP has got a fight on her hands. He knows it will be hard for him to find someone else so obliging. Don't hesitate to call the police, OP if he becomes threatening.

StrawberryPavlova · 24/04/2023 18:30

Pretty sure the correct response here is 'why the fuck would I want you to stay?'

Hope he gets his shit out of your hair without too much fuss.

Beaverbridge · 24/04/2023 18:32

He, ll be there. As OP said any violence or abuse phone police.
His party time on your watch is over.

billy1966 · 24/04/2023 18:32

He's a loser OP, always was always will be.

Call the police and get him out of YOUR home.

He despises you, but is prepared to use you for as long as you are prepared to be a mug.

Get him out.

Call the police to have him removed.

You deserve better.

HamBone · 24/04/2023 18:36

You’re too tired to argue tonight. If he’s still there when you get home, ask him to start packing and keep away from him.

If he doesn’t leave tonight, get some sleep and sort it out tomorrow. You can also contact his family and say that you’ve split up so he’s moving out. Just to make it clear to them that it’s really happening (and they should prepare for him to turn up on the doorstop)

RandomMess · 24/04/2023 18:38
Flowers

He can't believe you want to end the relationship he seriously thought you would beg him to stay 🙄

You may have to involve the landlord to change the tenancy so he no longer has the right to be there. Start divorce proceedings on line?

Doggymummar · 24/04/2023 18:40

Please be careful if he is drunk when you get home, my ex was an alcoholic and prone to violence when drunk and cornered.

Twazique · 24/04/2023 18:44

I would put his stuff in bin bags and line them up by the door, make it look obvious.

If he is even a little bit threatening phone the police.

Twazique · 24/04/2023 18:44

I wonder who he phoned?