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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH moving out

185 replies

Kelliesmile · 24/04/2023 01:32

Dont really know what answers i will get but i feel so alone right now.
A bit of background incase you haven't seen any of my previous posts.
DH quit his job before Christmas (which is nothing new he quits jobs alot) and has been a lazy so and so ever since. I've been picking up overtime just to pay the bills, rent etc and I am absolutely shattered. Then to come home to a messy house just makes my blood boil which then makes me start moaning! (I have tried to ignore it and say nothing also)
For the last 3 weeks I've been telling him how unhappy I am and that I feel things are not working, he said he will make more effort but he hasn't.
Today we got into another row over the same old stuff (crisps and chocolate wrappers left on the settee, pots in the sink when there wasnt any when i left, tea and milk spilt all over the side etc)
So another row and he came into my face called me a F@#%*!g c@%& and said he hated me!
I said if that's how he felt then he needed to pack some stuff and go.
He made a call then said he was leaving tomorrow, taking all his things and never wants to see me ever again. I instantly felt a huge relief and even went to the corner shop and got some boxes for him.
As the evening went on we were civil, although he was saying its my fault because I nag all the time but I just ignored him.
Before I came to bed 3 hours ago, he said I had 24 hours to sort my shit out and ask to talk and he would stay.
WTF is that about 🤷‍♀️ so for the last 3 hours I've been in bed with a huge mix of emotions and I have to be up in 5 hours for yet another day of work.
I know us splitting is the right thing to do in the long run cause clearly neither of us are happy but it still hurts. I'm not perfect, but I will put my hands up amd accept some responsibility for this marriage break down where he is just passing the blame.
Hes already took his ring off, changed his fb status to single and told his family and friends its over.
So why say ive 24 hours to change and chat?
Any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:
Original poster
Kelliesmile · 25/04/2023 08:36

So as predicted hes still here.
He kept asking to talk last night, saying it didn't have to come to this and things can be sorted out.
As hard as it was I stood my ground and said he needed to go because nothing will change. He started crying which pulled on my heart strings but I didn't back down. Although why do I now feel sorry for him?
His Brother is apparently coming to collect him and his belongins at 10am
I'm not sure if i should go out somewhere now before he wakes up or stay here, ive never had a issue with my BIL so I'm not worried about that but I know DH is going to be repeating his self from last night and trying to get me to let him stay

OP posts:
MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 25/04/2023 08:38

I would go out, less chance of any confrontation with DH

Guineasrule · 25/04/2023 08:46

He has made a hasty decision but does not want to apologise or talk rationally, or accept his part in the breakdown 🚩🚩. However he has realised he has no where to go, no other woman in line ready to take him in & he needs a bit more time to get his house in order.

just remember how you felt getting those boxes for him. Let him go. It is the sudden change which is making feel this way.

Flatandhappy · 25/04/2023 08:47

Well done for staying strong x

ConstitutionHill · 25/04/2023 08:47

Wow. Stay strong Kellie. This is the best thing for both of you. Prepare yourself for a barrage of tears and threats, maybe even the "I can't live without you" one.

Just remember that feeling of relief at the thought of him being out of your life.

Popetthetreehugger · 25/04/2023 08:53

Depends if you care enough to put your side ? You may , rightly , be so done that you don’t give a fig what Hs family think . His brother is bound to ask if this can be salvaged, if you want to clearly state the situation from your side , this is that moment . My thought would be to say , this is in sadness , not anger . We have nothing left . We both deserve a chance to move on . We don’t see that the same way . H past life choices have shown how he wants to live his life . THis is not how I want to live . I have stopped wanting him to change . But Iv stopped wanting to change my life goals to fit him .
Good luck , your new life is calling x

billy1966 · 25/04/2023 09:14

Kelliesmile · 25/04/2023 08:36

So as predicted hes still here.
He kept asking to talk last night, saying it didn't have to come to this and things can be sorted out.
As hard as it was I stood my ground and said he needed to go because nothing will change. He started crying which pulled on my heart strings but I didn't back down. Although why do I now feel sorry for him?
His Brother is apparently coming to collect him and his belongins at 10am
I'm not sure if i should go out somewhere now before he wakes up or stay here, ive never had a issue with my BIL so I'm not worried about that but I know DH is going to be repeating his self from last night and trying to get me to let him stay

Stay strong.

Well done.

He's a loser who doesn't want to loser the mug that pays for everything.

He couldn't care less about you.

His tears are for himself and the thought of not living off you.

Get him out and change the lock barrel if necessary.

Your life has value.

This is your future if you allow him to stay.

Losers never change.

They are incapable of loving anyone.

This is not someone to inflict on a child or ever have a family with.

Get him out.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you.

Strong boundaries prevent women getting stuck with a loser.

He's shown you that he's always going to be a leech.

Give yourself the chance of a better life.

You can't do that with a leech.

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

billy1966 · 25/04/2023 09:16

Oh and keeping saying

I no longer love you.

I don't want to be with you.

I don't want to live with you.

I DON'T WANT YOU LIVING OFF ME.

On a loop.

slowquickstep · 25/04/2023 09:32

Stay strong, block him on everything. This is the first day of your peaceful new life

GP75 · 25/04/2023 09:38

Hope it goes well OP, I'd hang around if I were you, make sure he goes and he doesn't take anything he shouldn't. It's early but I'd be sitting in the garden with a glass of wine 🍷

AmandaHoldensLips · 25/04/2023 09:45

He's feeling sorry for himself and playing the victim.

Stay strong and know that you have a much brighter future ahead.

Once he's out of that door you will feel like the weight of the world has been lifted.

AmandaHoldensLips · 25/04/2023 09:46

(And all the begging and promising to change is bullshit.)

Newestname002 · 25/04/2023 09:52

Do ensure he can't get hold of important documents (including your passport). Lock them away or take them with you - although I'd personally not leave the home. Also change the locks (or just the barrels) as soon as he's out of the door whether he gives you his keys or not. He's had time to get keys copied... 🌹

Anaemiafog · 25/04/2023 09:53

He had no intention of leaving. The big threat was to get you to put up and shut up. It never crossed his mind you'd respond the way you did. Now he'll do everything he can think of and promise the world to get you to agree to stay together, things might even be ok for a while but he won't change.
Be strong. Remember he's let you struggle, working extra and left you to come home to a pigsty. That's the man he is.

Shitsville123 · 25/04/2023 10:00

Of course he doesn't want to leave. He didn't work and you ended up doing everything for him. He lost his temper thinking you'd back down and you didn't. Well done OP and good luck. You are correct in that he will never change.

billy1966 · 25/04/2023 10:07

So another row and he came into my face called me a F@#%!g c@%& and said he hated me!*

readbooksdrinktea · 25/04/2023 10:15

He said he hated you. Stand your ground and get him the hell out.

bluebell34567 · 25/04/2023 10:17

billy1966 · 25/04/2023 10:07

So another row and he came into my face called me a F@#%!g c@%& and said he hated me!*

yeah, remember this every time.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 25/04/2023 10:20

It’ll be suicide threats next. A relative of mine used them on her pg daughter in law. That’s pretty lowdown behaviour imo and she’s still alive .

GoodChat · 25/04/2023 10:23

Hopefully his brother has now been and he's fucked off left respectfully

billy1966 · 25/04/2023 10:38

Definitely expect drama like illness, suicide threat etc.

From the user, loser, abuser handbook.

Ring the police to do a welfare check if he does.

Tell them you have left and abusive relationship and he is making threats.

The police are well used to these abuser tactics.

SeamsLegit · 25/04/2023 11:51

I have never been so emotionally invested in a Mumsnet post!!!!
I am PRAYING to the universe that he has been collected (kicking and screaming if necessary!).
STAY STRONG, your new life is right around the corner! He has shown you who he is... Believe him!!!!

autienotnaught · 25/04/2023 11:56

Good for you op. And he has learnt a lesson. You can't treat people like crap. He's being nice because he's hoping to change your mind. Hope it went ok and you are ok.

PrincessW11 · 25/04/2023 12:29

Well done! U can box the rest of his stuff up later, have a big glass of🍷as you literally feel the stress drain away. He can now be his brother’s/anyone else’s problem

Crikeyalmighty · 25/04/2023 12:40

@Kelliesmile in the nicest way, you deserve better regardless of if you are a bit of a nag (his words) raise your standards if you are actually bothered about a relationship- Guys who call you a 'c' and say they hate you- it's not usually the first time. They are drama llamas and of a low standard- especially when they are workshy too. Everyone can fall out of love, but if you've got someone calling you a 'c*' and with sod all work ethic, then they are a bit pointless.