Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating or coincidence?!?

168 replies

TheyAreMyBhunasPete · 23/04/2023 23:22

So a couple of weeks ago, my husband suddenly starts a health kick. Wants to start eating more protein, press ups in the living room. I ask him what's brought this on and he says he wants to look better for me. I notice also his sex drive suddenly increases. We joke and I say something like "if I posted this online on mn or some advice page everyone would be convinced you are having an affair" we laugh. I have no worries.

Anyway, fast forward to now when he's mentioned it stings when he pees and he's got these ulcers on his penis. We have an appointment for tomorrow at a clinic.

Can this be a coincidence? Surely not? Sahm with baby so my life would very much implode

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 23/04/2023 23:24

Cheater. I hope I'm wrong.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 23/04/2023 23:24

I read the first paragraph and thought "well why does that mean he's cheating?" But then I read about the scabby dick. Has he tried explaining that?

AP5Diva · 23/04/2023 23:27

A doctor should be able to tell if it’s something like dormant herpes (from years ago) or a new infection.

Shoelacesundone · 23/04/2023 23:30

Surely a spoof post.

Original poster
TheyAreMyBhunasPete · 23/04/2023 23:31

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 23/04/2023 23:24

I read the first paragraph and thought "well why does that mean he's cheating?" But then I read about the scabby dick. Has he tried explaining that?

He just doesn't seem too concerned. I've said it looks like herpes in a non accusational way and he really didn't seem flustered. I'm sure he would react if he was hiding something

OP posts:
RavenclawLuna · 23/04/2023 23:31

I'd get yourself checked as well. It sounds like he's a cheat. Hope I am very much wrong though.

Original poster
TheyAreMyBhunasPete · 23/04/2023 23:31

AP5Diva · 23/04/2023 23:27

A doctor should be able to tell if it’s something like dormant herpes (from years ago) or a new infection.

They can tell? I didn't know that

OP posts:
Original poster
TheyAreMyBhunasPete · 23/04/2023 23:32

Shoelacesundone · 23/04/2023 23:30

Surely a spoof post.

Nope unfortunately not 🙃

OP posts:
Original poster
TheyAreMyBhunasPete · 23/04/2023 23:33

RavenclawLuna · 23/04/2023 23:31

I'd get yourself checked as well. It sounds like he's a cheat. Hope I am very much wrong though.

I'm not concerned, we have a baby and have only had sex once since he was born

OP posts:
Sittwritt · 23/04/2023 23:34

Well your life does not have to implode.

High chances he’s been having a fling. Very high. But it’s all about what happens next. MN will tell you to self combust and pack his belongings in bin liners and lock him out once it’s all out in the open. But it’s very much about whether he owns up, is truthful from that point in, highly remorseful and wants his family so badly. MN will tell you that once a cheater always a cheater. LTB etc etc. and if he was thinking of his family he would not have been sticking his d in another woman.

Perhaps the ulcers are his endearing way of being ready to come out to you. Perhaps he does not want a double life anymore. Perhaps he’s ready to face the music.

You can test him out with this but you have to hold yr nerve. Just say, I think it’s about time that you stopped pretending and told me the full truth, because as it is, there is more to this than you are letting on. Then silence from you. Long silence. You will hear him talk. If he denies it, keep quiet and just watch and observe. If he totally does not start to stumble perhaps walk away a little and say you are not prepared to spend your life with a liar. Games up.

Anyhow, should you LTB then prepare yourself for the real world of OLD with a shocking choice of just about the same talent as yr current hubby.

My advice is to work out who the help he is and then work out whether you can work with that.

Original poster
TheyAreMyBhunasPete · 23/04/2023 23:39

Sittwritt · 23/04/2023 23:34

Well your life does not have to implode.

High chances he’s been having a fling. Very high. But it’s all about what happens next. MN will tell you to self combust and pack his belongings in bin liners and lock him out once it’s all out in the open. But it’s very much about whether he owns up, is truthful from that point in, highly remorseful and wants his family so badly. MN will tell you that once a cheater always a cheater. LTB etc etc. and if he was thinking of his family he would not have been sticking his d in another woman.

Perhaps the ulcers are his endearing way of being ready to come out to you. Perhaps he does not want a double life anymore. Perhaps he’s ready to face the music.

You can test him out with this but you have to hold yr nerve. Just say, I think it’s about time that you stopped pretending and told me the full truth, because as it is, there is more to this than you are letting on. Then silence from you. Long silence. You will hear him talk. If he denies it, keep quiet and just watch and observe. If he totally does not start to stumble perhaps walk away a little and say you are not prepared to spend your life with a liar. Games up.

Anyhow, should you LTB then prepare yourself for the real world of OLD with a shocking choice of just about the same talent as yr current hubby.

My advice is to work out who the help he is and then work out whether you can work with that.

I did ask him straight up. I said this is your chance to fess and we can have a mature conversation about it. If I'm blindsided with it at a clinic I'm going to find it hard to come back from. He didn't seem concerned at all and said he hasn't done anything

OP posts:
Shoelacesundone · 23/04/2023 23:44

I'm sorry this is a real post but what are you possibly thinking that makes you want to stay with him? If it's financial I understand. But sadly I think he's experienced that men like him have options (why...God knows!!) With a certain set and he's not going to change. He's going to get more blatant. Put all your effort into your education, home, employability, parenting and looks. It's a very harsh world out there. Best to either work to get a much, much higher quality of man or manage single.

Original poster
TheyAreMyBhunasPete · 23/04/2023 23:48

Shoelacesundone · 23/04/2023 23:44

I'm sorry this is a real post but what are you possibly thinking that makes you want to stay with him? If it's financial I understand. But sadly I think he's experienced that men like him have options (why...God knows!!) With a certain set and he's not going to change. He's going to get more blatant. Put all your effort into your education, home, employability, parenting and looks. It's a very harsh world out there. Best to either work to get a much, much higher quality of man or manage single.

Aside from this he is the most loving, wonderful, sensitive, communicative man I have ever met. Incredible 50/50 parent. This would have been his only downfall, if he has cheated. I'm retraining at the moment so won't stay for financial reasons. I'd just lose all my faith in men, because he is the most wonderful man on the planet. I hope I'm wrong

OP posts:
Shoelacesundone · 23/04/2023 23:51

Good luck xxx hopefully not cheating xxx

Original poster
TheyAreMyBhunasPete · 23/04/2023 23:52

Shoelacesundone · 23/04/2023 23:51

Good luck xxx hopefully not cheating xxx

Thank you 💕

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 23/04/2023 23:53

@Sittwritt

Perhaps the ulcers are his endearing way of being ready to come out to you.

Yeah it's adorable, super endearing.

Wtf?!

indieray · 23/04/2023 23:58

Body language and eyes tell it all. You look him dead straight in the eyes ' have you cheated on me , can you swear on your child's life you haven't cheated ?'
Low blow I know but any uncomfortable person whose lying will look anywhere else but u. Touch their face/hair /chest /phone/keys whilst telling you they're answer. Will try and cross their fingers without you noticing whilst swearing on ...life. If they keep on trying to justify their answer or keep going over their responses getting huffy & frustrated they are LYING.
I'm a psychologist and see it every day. Just be fully aware take your time over a few days if needed to get answers. Trust your gut.

LilylilyDaisy · 24/04/2023 00:17

indieray · 23/04/2023 23:58

Body language and eyes tell it all. You look him dead straight in the eyes ' have you cheated on me , can you swear on your child's life you haven't cheated ?'
Low blow I know but any uncomfortable person whose lying will look anywhere else but u. Touch their face/hair /chest /phone/keys whilst telling you they're answer. Will try and cross their fingers without you noticing whilst swearing on ...life. If they keep on trying to justify their answer or keep going over their responses getting huffy & frustrated they are LYING.
I'm a psychologist and see it every day. Just be fully aware take your time over a few days if needed to get answers. Trust your gut.

A person with even basic skills in avoidance or manipulation can easily combat that approach: "I don't believe in swearing on anything, that's ridiculous"; "Are you a child? Should I do "pinky promise" too?"; "I've already told you straight exactly how it is"; "I thought we could have a serious, respectful conversation. Talk to me when you are going to do that"; "I don't believe in swearing on someone's life"; "That's low, dragging our child's life into it"...

All of which are of course avoidance techniques, but done with the right amount of conviction and/or indignation (real or put on) may not gain the asker any real ground.

As a psychologist, how would you deal with someone who comes back with the types of answers outlined above?

WetBandits · 24/04/2023 00:20

AP5Diva · 23/04/2023 23:27

A doctor should be able to tell if it’s something like dormant herpes (from years ago) or a new infection.

This isn’t true.

It does sound like herpes, he might have had it years and not known about it or he might have cheated recently and it’s a new infection. There is absolutely no way of knowing when the infection was acquired.

IslamicLaw · 24/04/2023 00:35

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

misssunshine4040 · 24/04/2023 00:52

How can you only have had sex once since your baby was born but in your post you said his sex drive has increased ?

Doormatnomore · 24/04/2023 01:01

@indieray I’ll swear on my child’s life anything you like - cause it won’t actually do anything to risk my child’s life, like swearing on your mothers grave what does that actually mean? Sorry for the derail but it’s like when people say “but he said he loved me” people say they love lots of things it’s just words. If you were therapist to most of my family you’d be mystified as to why we all fight so much if not making eye contact is your barometer for deceit.

op I hope it’s not herpes and he’s not a cheat but something made you already think he was.

IHateLegDay · 24/04/2023 01:14

I really hope it's just a coincidence 😬

JimnJoyce · 24/04/2023 02:11

Well the first thing is to get a disgnosis then go from there.

Zanatdy · 24/04/2023 06:12

herpes can lay dormant for years but it tends to then just be an odd sore and the worse attack is the first one. It seems odd he’s shared with you though if he has been cheating, as if you’re not having much sex it would have been easy for him to hide this from you i’m sure

Swipe left for the next trending thread