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Original poster

Husband doesn't allow overnight guests

329 replies

Abbi634 · 23/04/2023 00:39

My husband and I recently got married. We live in London and we have 2 spare bedrooms that aren't often used. I thought this would mean we could have friends and family to stay occasionally. But my husband objects.

He won't let me have friends to stay for the night if they're in town. I've told him this wouldn't happen more than once every two months, and that I would take care of everything. But he said no, they should get a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space'. So if a good friend who lives abroad is in London and asks to stay the night, I can't say yes - even though I really want to.

He also objects to close family coming. I suggested that my sister and family could come and stay for a long weekend. She lives the other end of the UK and has two daughters, aged 6 and 4. I love my nieces and I think it would be fun to have them to stay. My husband said no - and said they should stay in a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space' and it would be too much to have them here. (He would however meet up with them during the day for a meal/activities).

He says he is ok with my parents sometimes staying for a weekend, but he said has made it clear he doesn't want it to be often.

I feel sad that I can't be hospitable with our spare rooms. I enjoy having friends and family to stay (doing a nice dinner in the evening, having brunch etc).

I feel he's being unfair. It would not be often - just once every two months or so. Is it reasonable for me to think that? And to be sad about it?

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 23/04/2023 14:39

I have brought this issue up a few times with him. In one discussion, he said 'I live here too you know'. I said 'well so do I'. He replied that we are able to live in a house with spare rooms because he earns more than me and pays a greater share of the mortgage.

I think if you'd put that in your OP, you wouldn't have had people defending him.

SOMumm · 23/04/2023 14:39

TheKobayashiMaru · 23/04/2023 14:09

He replied that we are able to live in a house with spare rooms because he earns more than me and pays a greater share of the mortgage.

What a prince among men. Just as I predicted.

this jumped out at me too, believe it’s called ‘pulling rank’
also reminded me of my Dad, when we were early teenagers,
on querying a command, to be told ‘because I said so’

Itwasnaeme · 23/04/2023 14:40

£50 for a hotel room in London for a family - please send me the link as I'd love a trip down.

pointythings · 23/04/2023 14:43

He replied that we are able to live in a house with spare rooms because he earns more than me and pays a greater share of the mortgage.

And this is at the heart of it. He thinks he gets to call the shots because he earns more than you do. This will get worse.

Freefall212 · 23/04/2023 14:47

SOMumm · 23/04/2023 14:39

this jumped out at me too, believe it’s called ‘pulling rank’
also reminded me of my Dad, when we were early teenagers,
on querying a command, to be told ‘because I said so’

Show quote history

It would be pulling rank if he then said so I make the rules or that his additional money is power but stating the fact that you could afford a bigger house and bigger mortage because of his income is just a fact. His income is why this have this house. If he made less, they would have a smaller house as they wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage of this house.

I don't know the specifics but If I agreed to put more extra money into a house and take on a bigger mortgage because the house gave me space for a home gym and work from home office and then my husband said, nope, that extra space will be for my family, I would not be happy. But it depends how it all went down.

bellac11 · 23/04/2023 14:49

thedancingbear · 23/04/2023 14:12

What blinkered middle-class nonsense. Check your privilege.

Putting a family of four up in a Travelodge for a weekend costs a lot more than 50 quid, let me tell you.

'Just check everyone into a hotel' ffs.

Show quote history

What privilege, what on earth are you talking about, or are you just using buzzwords you dont know the meaning of

I was responding to a poster who said she doesnt have a great relationship with people she doesnt see a lot of, I have no idea if she was talking about a family of four. Try reading the thread properly

Theeyeballsinthesky · 23/04/2023 14:53

So he’s a controlling arse who is already pulling the “I earn more so I get more say” line

do not have children with him

ClementWeatherToday · 23/04/2023 15:07

I have brought this issue up a few times with him. In one discussion, he said 'I live here too you know'. I said 'well so do I'. He replied that we are able to live in a house with spare rooms because he earns more than me and pays a greater share of the mortgage.

Translation: "Now that we are married, I feel comfortable in behaving in a financially controlling manner."

This won't end here, OP. I wouldn't have children with him. Imagine how much worse it'd get then. He clearly didn't mean his marriage vows, did he?

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 23/04/2023 15:08

“He replied that we are able to live in a house with spare rooms because he earns more than me and pays a greater share of the mortgage.”

@Abbi634 what a charmer. This doesn’t bode well for the future, sorry. X

Coyoacan · 23/04/2023 15:11

And yes, relationships between close family members who live a long way away are seriously challenged if they don't have the space to stay with each other. Been there, done that. It's one of the many hidden penalties of not having much money. If travelling to see your friend or relative is expensive, and you then have to factor in a hotel too, relationships inevitably suffer

I just went to visit a friend in another town who I hadn't been able to visit in 7 years because I cannot afford to pay for a hotel room and she only has a studio flat.

People are saying that it is very middle class to expect people to have spare rooms, which is fair enough, but it is also extremely middle class to expect your visitors to be able to afford a hotel.

Mischance · 23/04/2023 15:15

I am puzzled .... you say he does not allow it. Allow?

I think you have some serious thinking to do here - is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

It is fine for you both to have different views on things, but in that circumstance discussion and compromise are called for. He is assuming that he is the boss and what he says goes. He is wrong - unless you choose to let this happen ...

2bazookas · 23/04/2023 15:23

Who owns the property? If you are an equal owner then he should adjust to your different POV, surely?

Aria2015 · 23/04/2023 15:31

Eek op. That last bit re him earning more. Not good. Not good at all. He'll use this as flex for other things too. In a true partnership, this should not be a thing.

billy1966 · 23/04/2023 15:33

Step one of an abusive relationship, start telling her what she is and isn't allowed to do.

Step 2, mention money, giving her a heads up that he is already intending to control you and financially abuse you.

He's an abusive man.

You can protect yourself and leave or you can go ahead and have children with this waster.
Boy but you will regret staying and you will never forget this thread that gave you a heads up.

Tell your family and friends what is going on.

Let them support you.

RichardHeed · 23/04/2023 15:48

This thread is a depressing read.

cannaecookrisotto · 23/04/2023 15:54

I don't think it's controlling. Also in OP it says he's made some compromise with parents staying and it's not like she's mentioned him banning her from visiting family as opposed to them staying.

I wouldn't be happy hosting overnight regularly. I work like a fucker all week and like my weekends to wind down.

Also, my DP wants a dog. I have used the words "no, I will not have a dog in this house". I'm not controlling, he can do whatever the fuck he wants as long as it doesn't include bringing a dog home.

If he doesn't like it, he's more than welcome to fuck off elsewhere.

overitunderit · 23/04/2023 16:03

He sounds like a tosser. I wouldn't stand for it, genuinely. And the comment about him paying more of the mortgage is a huge red flag too.

MysteryBelle · 23/04/2023 16:55

Read your update. What does he think the two spare bedrooms should be used for then, if not for occasional guests?

And, it sounds like no matter how much you reassure him, he believes with all his heart and soul that you are going to fill those guest rooms with people constantly. And he is afraid of you escalating your ‘schemes and dreams’ from once every two months to all the time. Do you work full time? Does he?

When you said you told him it would only be your close friends and he could go off and do what he wanted, he may be thinking what he wanted is to be at home without other people in it, a fact you very well know. And you magnanimously offering to host his relatives, well, you know he isn’t going to do that very often anyway, so you’re using that argument in a bit of an underhand way.

If a woman had pointed out to her h that she made more and paid more and so should have a say, posters would be ok with that. Maybe h needs the space for his mental health, not a specific condition, but we all have mental health needs. Build a guest cottage out in the back, op, if your happiness hinges on overnight guests. You say you’re shocked to find out h doesn’t want overnight guests, maybe he’s dismayed to find out that you do. You gave a long list of people you want to stay overnight and that doesn’t reconcile with your promise to keep it to once every two months, in his mind probably. Not everybody likes or is comfortable having overnight guests especially on an ongoing basis. You’ve got different ways of thinking. Neither one is wrong or bad. Was he thinking of using those rooms for something else?

greenspaces4peace · 23/04/2023 17:23

Your update with the “I earn more” BS is bullying.
I’m really saddened to read his response.

WimpoleHat · 23/04/2023 17:27

Aria2015 · 23/04/2023 15:31

Eek op. That last bit re him earning more. Not good. Not good at all. He'll use this as flex for other things too. In a true partnership, this should not be a thing.

I posted earlier to say I understood his point of view re lots of visitors - but totally agree that the “I earn more than you” comment is out of order…..

gerbilcrocus · 23/04/2023 18:18

cannaecookrisotto · 23/04/2023 15:54

I don't think it's controlling. Also in OP it says he's made some compromise with parents staying and it's not like she's mentioned him banning her from visiting family as opposed to them staying.

I wouldn't be happy hosting overnight regularly. I work like a fucker all week and like my weekends to wind down.

Also, my DP wants a dog. I have used the words "no, I will not have a dog in this house". I'm not controlling, he can do whatever the fuck he wants as long as it doesn't include bringing a dog home.

If he doesn't like it, he's more than welcome to fuck off elsewhere.

I think if I was your partner I would fuck off elsewhere - you sound miserable!

gerbilcrocus · 23/04/2023 18:22

greenspaces4peace · 23/04/2023 17:23

Your update with the “I earn more” BS is bullying.
I’m really saddened to read his response.

It doesn't surprise. Someone who's mean-spirited and uptight enough to refuse people staying over every couple of months is the kind of mean-spirited and uptight person who would feel the need to say this.

TheKobayashiMaru · 23/04/2023 18:48

SOMumm · 23/04/2023 14:39

this jumped out at me too, believe it’s called ‘pulling rank’
also reminded me of my Dad, when we were early teenagers,
on querying a command, to be told ‘because I said so’

Show quote history

Totally a parent thing to say. My way or the highway.

saraclara · 23/04/2023 21:38

BringItOnxxx · 23/04/2023 13:54

Generally these are about the woman having to do all the running around or the in laws being rude or critical.

Show quote history

Well I at least don't fit your description. I liked my in-laws, and my husband did most of the organising and entertaining for them when they came to stay

The same in-laws that only had two double bedrooms and a box room, yet hosted the four of us and the four of my SILs family, and sometimes an auntie as well, and would bed down with the kids on mattresses and cushions on their living room floor to give us, SIL and her DH, and auntie, the beds.

It's not about the number of bedrooms, it's about warmth and hospitality.

saraclara · 23/04/2023 21:40

Ooops @BringItOnxxx , I think I skimmed and misread your post. Sorry.

But yep, the bulk of my post still has a place in the thread, I reckon