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Original poster

Husband doesn't allow overnight guests

329 replies

Abbi634 · 23/04/2023 00:39

My husband and I recently got married. We live in London and we have 2 spare bedrooms that aren't often used. I thought this would mean we could have friends and family to stay occasionally. But my husband objects.

He won't let me have friends to stay for the night if they're in town. I've told him this wouldn't happen more than once every two months, and that I would take care of everything. But he said no, they should get a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space'. So if a good friend who lives abroad is in London and asks to stay the night, I can't say yes - even though I really want to.

He also objects to close family coming. I suggested that my sister and family could come and stay for a long weekend. She lives the other end of the UK and has two daughters, aged 6 and 4. I love my nieces and I think it would be fun to have them to stay. My husband said no - and said they should stay in a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space' and it would be too much to have them here. (He would however meet up with them during the day for a meal/activities).

He says he is ok with my parents sometimes staying for a weekend, but he said has made it clear he doesn't want it to be often.

I feel sad that I can't be hospitable with our spare rooms. I enjoy having friends and family to stay (doing a nice dinner in the evening, having brunch etc).

I feel he's being unfair. It would not be often - just once every two months or so. Is it reasonable for me to think that? And to be sad about it?

OP posts:
thedancingbear · 23/04/2023 13:43

And yes, relationships between close family members who live a long way away are seriously challenged if they don't have the space to stay with each other. Been there, done that. It's one of the many hidden penalties of not having much money. If travelling to see your friend or relative is expensive, and you then have to factor in a hotel too, relationships inevitably suffer.

Freefall212 · 23/04/2023 13:46

Fairislefandango · 23/04/2023 13:42

That by not having overnight guests, her DH is ending her relationships with all her family and friends which makes him abusive.

I'm not claiming he's abusive, just selfish and maybe a bit controlling.
But saying 'We can't have overnight guests because we don't have room' is reasonable. Stopping the OP from having her family to stay 'because he doesn't like it' is not reasonable. He is not making it literally impossible for the OP to sustain a relationship with her family, but he is making it unnecessarily more difficult.

Do you not have any meaningul relationships with family or friends who haven't stayed overnight in your home?

This is actually odd to me. The majority of my close family and friends have never stayed overnight even though I had space and I truly had no idea that people felt that they can't be friends with someone or feel close to family unless they stay overnight in their home. Who knew!

If OPs DH had a friend with a pet pig and OP didn't want the pig in her house would you really say that she was a controlling selfish asshole cutting him off from his friend? I just find that to be a bizarre approach to life.

bellac11 · 23/04/2023 13:48

thedancingbear · 23/04/2023 13:40

No-one's saying that. It does make it a lot harder, though, if every time you have to visit your family member (i) you have to spend hundreds of pounds on a hotel room (her sister's is a family of four) and (ii) it's abundantly clear that your husband doesn't want them there.

Show quote history

No, its abundantly clear that he doesnt like overnight guests and theres nothing wrong with that.

She is also not a great budget manager then if she has to spend hundreds of pounds on a hotel, she can grab a cheap airbnb room or travelodge, cheap as chips, or just do a long drive like most families do.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 23/04/2023 13:48

Fairislefandango · 23/04/2023 13:26

Well, I can only speak for myself, but if having overnight guests was so important to me, I wouldn't have married someone who hated them so much in the first place.

It may well be that the OP's husband didn't impose this edict until they were married.

Maybe so, but equally, if it was so important for her that her family stays overnight when they visit, she should have discussed it before they moved in together IMO.

He's not rude or controlling or weird solely because he doesn't want guests staying the night - it's personal preference, just as having people to stay overnight is personal preference.

MuddledMindy · 23/04/2023 13:48

It's your home as well, as much as his. If he needs his own space then he needs to check into a hotel when you have your guests to stay.

Freefall212 · 23/04/2023 13:49

There are a lot of threads by controlling abusive selfish women in AIBU then who have asked about putting inlaws up in hotels vs having them stay in their homes. Interesting how those threads are not full of claims that the OPs are controlling and selfish and abusive and cutting off their husbands from contact with family ans isolating them by not allowing inlaws to stay in their homes.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 23/04/2023 13:50

MuddledMindy · 23/04/2023 13:48

It's your home as well, as much as his. If he needs his own space then he needs to check into a hotel when you have your guests to stay.

Or OP could check into a hotel with her guests instead of having people to sleep overnight.

bellac11 · 23/04/2023 13:51

thedancingbear · 23/04/2023 13:43

And yes, relationships between close family members who live a long way away are seriously challenged if they don't have the space to stay with each other. Been there, done that. It's one of the many hidden penalties of not having much money. If travelling to see your friend or relative is expensive, and you then have to factor in a hotel too, relationships inevitably suffer.

This is bizarre.

Or an excuse becuase you dont actually like them

'sorry we dont keep in touch much but you live too far away and I cant be arsed paying 50 quid for a travellodge room'

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 23/04/2023 13:53

thedancingbear · 23/04/2023 13:43

And yes, relationships between close family members who live a long way away are seriously challenged if they don't have the space to stay with each other. Been there, done that. It's one of the many hidden penalties of not having much money. If travelling to see your friend or relative is expensive, and you then have to factor in a hotel too, relationships inevitably suffer.

They only suffer if you allow them to suffer - people don't need to stay overnight in your home in order for you to have a close relationship with them Confused

Fairislefandango · 23/04/2023 13:53

Do you not have any meaningul relationships with family or friends who haven't stayed overnight in your home?

Not really, no. We are close with my parents, dh's parents and both our siblings. We live 4 hours' drive away from the nearest of them (and from all our old friends) and they have all stayed over at our house multiple times amd we at theirs (even when we lived nearer to them). They are the only family we see regularly. Our closest non-local friends have stayed over. The rest we very rarely see, but stay in touch online.

Maybe so, but equally, if it was so important for her that her family stays overnight when they visit, she should have discussed it before they moved in together IMO.

I don't disagree with that at all.

BringItOnxxx · 23/04/2023 13:54

Freefall212 · 23/04/2023 13:49

There are a lot of threads by controlling abusive selfish women in AIBU then who have asked about putting inlaws up in hotels vs having them stay in their homes. Interesting how those threads are not full of claims that the OPs are controlling and selfish and abusive and cutting off their husbands from contact with family ans isolating them by not allowing inlaws to stay in their homes.

Generally these are about the woman having to do all the running around or the in laws being rude or critical.

BringItOnxxx · 23/04/2023 13:55

What's your DH's relationship like with this family? Are the close in proximity/emotionally?

Original poster
Abbi634 · 23/04/2023 13:56

Thanks so much everyone for your replies. I have read through them all today.

It sounds like this issue has split opinion. It's interesting to hear everyone's views.

Just to clarify, my husband isn't neurodiverse and he doesn't have anxiety issues. He can enjoy a party. When he first meets people, he's very friendly and charming.

We didn't live together for that long before we got married. And we lived in a tiny one -bed flat. So we didn't have to negotiate overnight guests. I don't remember him ever implying they would be a problem for him. I didn't expect this.

I totally get it if people are reluctant to have overnight guests because they don't have much spare space. But we are fortunate enough to have spare rooms and also a spare bathroom (so we wouldn't need to share a bathroom with guests).

Also, when I said in my original post that I'd said it wouldn't be more than once every two months, that was for friends and family combined. My sister would be a one-off (once a year at most). And for friends, I meant just one night, not the whole weekend.

He knows that I am totally happy for his family and friends to come and stay for a night/weekend. In fact, I think it would be a nice way to get to know his family more.

I had made it clear to him that I would only want to allow close friends, and not become a b&b for anyone who needs a room in London. Also, I told him he would be completely free to do his own thing (but that it would be nice if he e.g. joined us for a drink, to be friendly).

I have brought this issue up a few times with him. In one discussion, he said 'I live here too you know'. I said 'well so do I'. He replied that we are able to live in a house with spare rooms because he earns more than me and pays a greater share of the mortgage.

OP posts:
Fairislefandango · 23/04/2023 14:01

I truly had no idea that people felt that they can't be friends with someone or feel close to family unless they stay overnight in their home. Who knew!

I think you're maybe misunderstanding. In most cases we are talking about it being made more difficult to maintain relationships with people you're already close to. It's not that the actual act of staying over in someone's house makes your relationship closer.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 23/04/2023 14:04

Who died and put him in charge!

Daffodilsandbagels · 23/04/2023 14:04

“People on this site must live in such a middle class bubble where they all have houses with extra room to have hordes of relatives visit with space to entertain and cook”.

Ridiculous assumption - me and my partner live in a one-bed flat and we still have people to stay over multiple times a year. We are happy to be able to offer people a comfy sofa, or if they want more space/privacy and don’t mind paying, they can get a hotel room. But hotels are expensive and plenty of times people choose the sofa bed because they want to see us and we want to see them! I don’t know what you mean by “space to cook” - we just use the kitchen to cook for guests, same as we do when we’re cooking for ourselves.

jsku · 23/04/2023 14:05

@Abbi634

If you are happy to live a life where any important decision will be made by him - because he earns more - stay.
I lasted 15 years in a marriage with this sort of person. Had to eventually leave as it was unbearable and I was unhappy for the long chunk of it.
Mine wasn’t as clear about his life philosophy until we had kids and I became ‘less’ than him as I didn’t earn. So I ended up staying to wait till kids grew up.
Had I known earlier - I’d have never gone that way with him.

You have a choice.

Fairislefandango · 23/04/2023 14:06

He replied that we are able to live in a house with spare rooms because he earns more than me and pays a greater share of the mortgage.

Well, this says it all really, doesn't it? Sorry to hear this, OP. Is he reasonable and kind in other respects, or does his greater earning power make him think his views are more important than yours in general?

Lampzade · 23/04/2023 14:08

Abbi634 · 23/04/2023 13:56

Thanks so much everyone for your replies. I have read through them all today.

It sounds like this issue has split opinion. It's interesting to hear everyone's views.

Just to clarify, my husband isn't neurodiverse and he doesn't have anxiety issues. He can enjoy a party. When he first meets people, he's very friendly and charming.

We didn't live together for that long before we got married. And we lived in a tiny one -bed flat. So we didn't have to negotiate overnight guests. I don't remember him ever implying they would be a problem for him. I didn't expect this.

I totally get it if people are reluctant to have overnight guests because they don't have much spare space. But we are fortunate enough to have spare rooms and also a spare bathroom (so we wouldn't need to share a bathroom with guests).

Also, when I said in my original post that I'd said it wouldn't be more than once every two months, that was for friends and family combined. My sister would be a one-off (once a year at most). And for friends, I meant just one night, not the whole weekend.

He knows that I am totally happy for his family and friends to come and stay for a night/weekend. In fact, I think it would be a nice way to get to know his family more.

I had made it clear to him that I would only want to allow close friends, and not become a b&b for anyone who needs a room in London. Also, I told him he would be completely free to do his own thing (but that it would be nice if he e.g. joined us for a drink, to be friendly).

I have brought this issue up a few times with him. In one discussion, he said 'I live here too you know'. I said 'well so do I'. He replied that we are able to live in a house with spare rooms because he earns more than me and pays a greater share of the mortgage.

So he is being controlling

TheKobayashiMaru · 23/04/2023 14:09

He replied that we are able to live in a house with spare rooms because he earns more than me and pays a greater share of the mortgage.

What a prince among men. Just as I predicted.

thedancingbear · 23/04/2023 14:12

bellac11 · 23/04/2023 13:51

This is bizarre.

Or an excuse becuase you dont actually like them

'sorry we dont keep in touch much but you live too far away and I cant be arsed paying 50 quid for a travellodge room'

Show quote history

What blinkered middle-class nonsense. Check your privilege.

Putting a family of four up in a Travelodge for a weekend costs a lot more than 50 quid, let me tell you.

'Just check everyone into a hotel' ffs.

Sunnysunbun · 23/04/2023 14:25

Sorry he sounds nasty and unreasonable.

billy1966 · 23/04/2023 14:33

And so it begins....

Him laying down HIS law and mentioning he earns more than you.

You have married a dud.

Do not rush into havibg children with this loser.

You do not know him really.

He is only now beginning to reveal himself.

You have made a big mistake marrying him and I suspect you are going to see a lot more of this behaviour going forward.

He is controlling and you are on a bad road.

Ring Women's aid for a chat.

Does he control any other behaviour?

Has he views on ANYTHING else that you do?

Clothes, spending, work, going out?

Be very careful OP.

Do not dismiss this.

Freefall212 · 23/04/2023 14:36

What was the rationale for getting a 3 bedroom house for the 2 of you? Was that something you both wanted? Planning for future kids? One of you work from home and use a room as an office or a gym?

What was the thinking behind the size of the house you bought?

TimeToBreakFree · 23/04/2023 14:37

Abbi634 · 23/04/2023 13:56

Thanks so much everyone for your replies. I have read through them all today.

It sounds like this issue has split opinion. It's interesting to hear everyone's views.

Just to clarify, my husband isn't neurodiverse and he doesn't have anxiety issues. He can enjoy a party. When he first meets people, he's very friendly and charming.

We didn't live together for that long before we got married. And we lived in a tiny one -bed flat. So we didn't have to negotiate overnight guests. I don't remember him ever implying they would be a problem for him. I didn't expect this.

I totally get it if people are reluctant to have overnight guests because they don't have much spare space. But we are fortunate enough to have spare rooms and also a spare bathroom (so we wouldn't need to share a bathroom with guests).

Also, when I said in my original post that I'd said it wouldn't be more than once every two months, that was for friends and family combined. My sister would be a one-off (once a year at most). And for friends, I meant just one night, not the whole weekend.

He knows that I am totally happy for his family and friends to come and stay for a night/weekend. In fact, I think it would be a nice way to get to know his family more.

I had made it clear to him that I would only want to allow close friends, and not become a b&b for anyone who needs a room in London. Also, I told him he would be completely free to do his own thing (but that it would be nice if he e.g. joined us for a drink, to be friendly).

I have brought this issue up a few times with him. In one discussion, he said 'I live here too you know'. I said 'well so do I'. He replied that we are able to live in a house with spare rooms because he earns more than me and pays a greater share of the mortgage.

You see, that last line is very telling.

It's a power trip to try and use his money as leverage to control you.

Really not healthy and it won't get better. Unfortunately the opposite.